Lost. That's how I felt. A sense of loss like I've never experienced before. I felt like I had lost something important, a part of me and I couldn't find it, I couldn't have it back.

But no matter how lost I was, I wasn't going back to Wooyoung. I knew that if I had he would come back to me, he would have forgiven me, and I didn't want it. He was better without me. He could start a new life. He could be happy. He deserved so much more than being my lover. 

Lisa and I got married in spring and even if the wedding day should be the happiest for groom and bride I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong. Everything felt like a terrible lie. That day I looked at my mother while I was standing at the altar: she made eye contact with me and just nodded. Her eyes were full of happiness and pride, maybe relief too. Then Lisa arrived and she was stunning. She was already very beautiful but in that white dress, with her hair gathered in golden trinket falling to her forehead she looked almost like a goddess. 

I was getting married for the first time but it was nothing new to me: even if Wooyoung and I werent' married I had already lived it all. Living together, the little everyday argument, going back to a place that you could call home just because somebody was there waiting for you... I already had it all but was too stupid to see it. 

After couple of weeks Lisa told me that she wanted to quit her job as Davis' assintant and asked me to hire her in my company, I didn't like the idea but I couldn't really refuse, she was good and I had no reasons to say no except for my own feelings. That's how I slowly started to really know her. And god, she was demanding! She had a say on everything: food, drinks, house forniture, the way I dressed. Not even the toilet paper brand we used could escape her fussiness. She really cared about the way she looked too: hairsaloons, beautician, consultations for cosmetic surgery, they became an everyday routine in which she spent tones of money. But as long as she was happy I was okay, she didn't have reasons to complain so I could live in peace.

Times passed and I felt like my life was going on but I couldn't keep up with it. I missed Wooyoung every day. It didn't matter if months had already passed, we never searched for each other as we promised, but I couldn't help but think about him, about us. I never called him, but everytime the phone rang I was just unconsciously hoping that it was him.

I tried my best to not think about him, about what we had, but everytime I was with Lisa, everytime we tried to make love, I couldn't help but remember the way Wooyoung made me feel. Those feelings were long lost. With Lisa I couldn't get hard, I managed only if I thought about Wooyoung, about his tanned skin, about his legs, about his mouth and those plump lips closed around my cock, about the tiny whimpers that he was making everytime I touched him. But it was never enough. Lisa wasn't Wooyoung and my body could feel it. 

Sometimes I dreamed about him. One night it was so vivid that I woke up in the middle of the night saying his name. I immediately turned to look at Lisa, worried that she heard me, but her eyes were still closed, she was sleeping soundly. I breathed a sigh of relief and that's when I realized that I had another little problem: I came in my briefs. It never happened before and I felt completely ashemed but relieved that Lisa was still sleeping and didn't notice.

As I said Lisa was very demanding and one day she woke up with the idea to completly change the office design. She wanted to make it more appealing for our clients. I was about to refuse when she said that she had the perfect design company for the job. My jaw dropped when I heard the name: it was the company Wooyoung worked for. I told her that I would organize a meeting with them and I immediately called them.

My heart was racing as the phone started ringing. A female voice answered the call. I settled an appointement for the day after, my voice was shaking and at the end of the call I couldn't help but ask: "Is Jung Wooyoung still working there?"

"Sir, I'm sorry, he's no longer part of the company"

"Oh" I was surprised "Has he been transferred?"

"He was fired" she cut it short clearly uncomfortable.

"Fired? How?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"I'm sorry, sir, but this is privat information"

I hung up the call and immediately texted Jongho. I couldn't call Wooyoung, I made a promise, but there was nothing wrong with Jongho checking on him. He understood my worry and helped me. I just waited. No more than thirthy minutes passed but they felt like hours. When my phone finally rang again I jumped from my seat and hurried to answer. 

"He's not picking up, hyung. I checked the phone, the bill is still payed by the company, but it seems like he hasn't used it in the last six months" he sounded worried.

And I was even more. Something was wrong. 

I texted Lisa and told her I would go to the appointment the day after and I brought Jongho with me. A very young agent came to greet us. We discussed about the restyle, the guy was good and knew how to do his job, but the only thing that concerned me was Wooyoung. How could he be fired? He was too good at his job and I knew how much he cared about it. He wouldn't be so irresponsible to do something stupid to get fired. The meeting was almost over and I tried my best to sound cool as I asked about Wooyoung. Luckily this agent wasn't so professional as the girl I spoke to the phone with.

"Oh that guy! I hope you're not friends with someone like him" he replied with a tone of disgust.

"What do you mean?" Jongho asked before I could snap.

I inhaled a deep breath trying to calm down.

"It happened five months ago, we received an anonimous email informing us of certain, lets say, undecorous behavior"

"And you believed it?" I asked shocked.

"Well... The email was very detailed" he chugged "And to think that when he arrived he looked like such a nice guy, he studied at Hanyang, you know? And he was also very good looking. I would have never thought that was into such abominable habits"

"Abominable habits?" I couldn't understand what he was talking about.

"Ehm..." he sounded imbarassed "He... prostituted himself" he whispered.

I froze and couldn't find the words to reply. Luckily I had Jongho with me.

"However, it is not certain that the accusations correspond to the truth, right? I guess he has never admitted anything and it is not that it is very correct to draw conclusions on the basis of an anonymous email"

"You're right, he never admitted anything, but..." he hesitated, "to see the clothes he had and all, one wondered what a boy who had just finished university did to get so much money! The watch he wore on the day of the interview didn't go unnoticed. That alone was worth a fortune!"

I realized with pain that he was evidently talking about the Rolex I'd brought Wooyoung from America. I don't know if out of anger or fear that he might be in trouble, mainly because of me, I felt something rise in my throat, I felt like vomiting. I lowered my head to shocked to formulate a sentence that could make sense.

"So you just fired him?" I heard the anger in Jongho's voice and I never felt so greatful for having him as at that moment.

"We didn't fire him. We got him to resign. How can a student in his early twenties fall so low? And to say that it didn't work badly at all. As for his tastes..." he paused, "We couldn't risk the company's reputation. If he tried to seduce some man here or worse one of our clients..."

"The fuck are you talking about?" I growled.

I felt Jongho's hand grabbing my knee and squeezed it under the table as a sign I had to calm down.

"All those people are a menace, Choi San-ssi" he replied irritate, as if I were disputing something irrefutable.

"How can a boy like him being a menace?" I felt my voice shaking and I grabbed the edge of the table to find some firmness.

Why everyone was seeing Wooyoung as a menace? He did nothing wrong but love me.

"You know what I'm talking about! All of them, they all have Aids, I read it somewhere"

"Aids?" Jongho and I exclaimed at the same time.

And I knew that our conversation was over. I couldn't add anything else to someone so ignorant. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or to cry. I had an upset stomach and a great need to vomit. We stood up and after a quick akward goodbye we left.

"Who is the bastard who came up with the idea of sending that email?" Jongho hissed.

"Where will he have gone?" I felt like I was on the verge of crying.

Why didn't he call me? Was he safe? Did he have enough money to live? Was he still in Seoul? 

I was breaking down.

"I'm sure he's fine hyung. He's stubborn, he can take care of himself. I'm sure he found another job"

And if not? What if he had done something stupid?

I couldn't ask that out loud, too scared to hear any possible answer.

"Stop the car!" I almost yelled.

Jongho pulled over startled by my sudden reaction. As soon as the car stopped I jumped out and threw up. My stomach continued to writhe even if I had nothing left to puke.

After that day I couldn't think about anything else. I tried my best to find Wooyoung but he was unreachable. He never answered his phone, I stopped by the Scandinavian house but it looked abandoned. For the first time in my life I could feel the immensity of Seoul. No one knew him in the circles I frequented and I couldn't find him even in the construction sector. I didn't have his father's phone number but I had an address. 

I sent Jongho to Namhae but his father said that Wooyoung hadn't been home in years and hadn't called in months. It was like he had vanished into thin air.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was scared that something bad had happened to him. I was terrified at the idea that he could have done something stupid. But most of all I was scared that all of that was my fault. 

A/N

Can you help me? Cause Wooyoung is the cutest thing I've ever seen and I'm so biased.

Also, I'm sorry if I haven't updated for days but busy life is back and I can't keep up with everything 😭

Hope you're all well! I'll try to update again soon. Love you loads ❤️