A/N

Yes. Another song recommendation ☝🏻
Feeling like it kinda suits the mood.

"You need to eat something or you'll fall sick, San-ah!"

Lisa was always very kind and caring with me, but I couldn't help finding her annoying in all her behaviours, so that day as well I just scoffed at her concern and focused on the document on my desk once again.

"You can't be here all day. It's Sunday! Let's go out and have dinner, we can have a walk. The weather is so nice, you love fall season"

"Can't you see that I'm busy?"

"Fine, we'll stay here! But I'm so bored... Why don't we buy a house in a more central place? You know my friend Jisoo, don't you? She told me that there's a nice villa on sale in Sageun-dong district. We could go check it out"

"Sageun-dong is too chaotic and full of students, I can't stand the nag! Moreover, what's wrong with this apartment? The view is nice too" I pointed a the huge window wall.

The sun was setting behind the Han river, the orange light reflecting on the water and on the many windows of the tall buildings sorrounding the place. I got lost in that view and I couldn't help but think at Wooyoung's body pressed against that same window, his back arched against my torso. I could still remember the burning feeling of his skin against mine, the feverish gasps leaving his mouth as I thrusted inside of him. 

"That's weird, I know you have a house in that same district. Nearby Hanyang if I'm not wrong" her voice rescued me from my day-dreaming.

I locked eyes with her. How much did she know?

"It's not mine. Belongs to - a friend" I said hesitantly.

"A friend, huh?" she smirked.

She didn't add more. I stared into her eyes: they were dark and inscrutable. I realized that my feelings towards Lisa were everyday more similar to those I've always had for all the girls in my past relationships. After a while I just couldn't stand them anymore. It didn't matter how cute or caring they were, they couldn't match my needs. I felt that our apparent harmony hid a great psychological distance and that while sharing the same bed we had different dreams.

I started thinking about a divorce. We had been married for less than a year, but I couldn't hold that lie any longer. But it wasn't that easy. The most difficult obstacle was my mother: she and Lisa had the perfect relashionship and my mom accepted her like a daughter. She was much more fond of Lisa than I was and I knew she wouldn't like me to divorce so early, without even trying.

Almost every weekend Lisa insisted to go to my mother's house and spend the day with her, sometimes we stopped for the night. Mom and Lisa chatted happily, as if they really were mother and daughter. During one of those weekends I was lying on the couch by myself sipping a black coffee, Lisa somewhere else in the huge house. My mother, a little further on, was fiddling with ink and brush: she had enrolled in some university for the elderly, infatuated with traditional painting.

"You and Lisa should hurry and have a baby. What are you waiting for?" she said all of a sudden without stopping painting.

"She just hasn't gotten pregnant yet" I tried to dissimulate, not wanting to talk about our non existant physical relationship.

"Lisa told me everything. I know it's you, the problem. She thinks you don't like her anymore" she looked at me.

"Don't listen to what she says, she's being paranoid" I tried to cut it short.

"Did you two have a fight?"

"No"

She stayed silent for few minutes, "You know Kang Jihoo's daughter just had a divorce?"

"I too was thinking of getting you another daughter-in-law within a few days" I joked.

My mother faced me completely shocked but, seeing me smirking she started laughing too.

"You're not funny, San-ah! Lisa is the perfect woman for you. Also when you had that unbecoming relationship with that boy she never left you. She took care of you! If she hadn't shown me those photos, you might still be caught up in that immoral affair"

Her words left me dumbfounded, I must have misunderstood, it couldn't be...

"What pictures, omma?"

"Oh, San-ah! Don't play dumb with me, you know what I'm talking about. That Wooyoung of yours... Luckily we took the decision head on and acted decisively. That fool never dared go around you anymore"

I felt my heart skip a beat and squeezed the cup I was holding.

"Omma, what have you - wait. The email too? You sent that email to his superiors?" I hoped she would deny, but I alread knew the answer.

"That was Lisa's idea. At first I had only thought of tracking him down and telling him that if he looked for you again I would go and report it to the authorities, but her idea was much better. She's so smart, isn't she?"

I remained silent for a few seconds staring at the cup I was holding in my hand. I was uncontrollably shaking. With all the strength I had I hurled the cup against the wall, where it shattered into a thousand pieces. I rushed out the front door, followed by my mother's desperate screams, but I didn't turn around.

I stopped to a bar and around midnight I left without really knowing where I was going. Almost without realizing it I found myself on the road that led to the Scandinavian house. The last time I was there I didn't have the strenght to go in, after all it didn't belong to me anymore. The automatic gate opened slowly and I drove into the garage. There was an agreement between Wooyoung and me that the left box was mine. I glanced at the one on the right, I opened it. When the shutter rose and Wooyoung's white Lexus appeared in front of my eyes, I was overwhelmed with joy. He was at home.

I rushed to the front door.

I was met with the musty smell that comes from houses left closed for too long.

"Wooyoung! Wooyoung-ah!" I called and called, but nobody answered. The Scandinavian house remained silent.

The large living room was tidy. On the table, there was still my pack of cigarettes from the day we parted. I went to the kitchen, to the dining room, remembering that he had left a half-drunk soda on the table that day. But there was nothing left. When we were together, I never offered to help with the housework, Wooyoung wasn't good either but he liked order. He wanted to see everything in its place. I used to tease him about it and he always replied that that's how a good architect was supposed to be. Tidy.

I entered our bedroom and, at the sight of that bed on which we had made love countless times, I felt tears prick my eyes. I opened Wooyoung's walk-in closet. We both cared about the way we dressed, but he had a habit of wearing it all the time if he liked something. If, on the other hand, he didn't like it, there was no way he would wear it, it didn't matter if it was designer or very expensive.

I stood there a little longer, looking around and remembering many small episodes of our life. I went to his study which seemed emptier than usual, even if I couldn't tell what exactly was missing. I walked into the library that I had hardly used, but where he often retired to read. I remembered the time he was phoning a friend and I, finding his straight face amusing, tiptoed up to him and started pulling down his sweatpants. Taken aback, he had desperately tried to hold them up with one hand, giving me a menacing glare but continuing impassively talking on the phone. I had begun to undress him while he was trying in every way to stop me with one hand. Only when I started kissing him and touching him everywhere did he stop fighting and let me do it, trying to keep his cool still talking on the phone. Finally, overwhelmed with pleasure, he hung up and, throwing his arms around my neck, he pushed me to the floor...

I gave a stop to the memories, the burning in my eyes had become more difficult to ignore.

I turned to leave when I suddenly realized that there was a key on the desk. It was his car key. It was tucked into a gold-plated key ring we'd bought on our trip to Busan and had two intertwined hearts and the word "umbrella" engraved on it - Woosan, it seemed funny to us how our names put together created a real word, it was like a secret that only we shared. We had two of the same made but while I almost immediately lost mine, Wooyoung had always used it.

Noticing that the desk drawer was half closed, I opened it softly: inside were various documents relating to the property, the Scandinavian house insurance and the certification of residence, along with another set of keys and a mobile phone, his mobile phone. I fumbled through the drawer nervously hoping to find a letter, something written, anything that could assure me that Wooyoung was okay, but I found nothing.

Suddenly tired, I went back to our room and layed down on the bed.

Please, don't do this to me, Wooyoung.

Please, be safe. 

I don't want to live in a word without you.

Revolving these thoughts in my mind, I gradually fell asleep. I don't know how long after I was awakened by my cell phone ringing.

"Hyung, you okay? Your mother and Lisa are freaking out, you scared the shit out of them!" I could hear the sadness and worry in Jongho's voice.

"Tell them I'm not dead. Not yet at least" I turned off my cell phone without giving him time to reply.

When I finally went back home it felt like everything was broken. I felt broken. I didn't want to face my mother nor Lisa. I couldn't stand their faces without feeling nauseated. If I wasn't eating properly until then, it got even worse. If I tried to eat or drink I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't work. I got sick.

The high fever did not go away despite all the medicines I took. I was unconscious most of the time and when awake I could not distinguish reality from feverish hallucinations. Sometimes I saw Wooyoung on the bed next to me. Sometimes he was sleeping, sometimes he just looked at me. The worst was when he was talking. 

Are you killing yourself for me as I did for you?

"You didn't die. You wouldn't do this to me"

There was nothing left for me here.

"Please Wooyoung, I love you so much, please"

No. You don't.

"I do. I do love you. I don't want to live without you"

Then just die.

This went on for two months, so much so that I seriously began to think that I didn't have long left to live. It all happened in one day. I woke up and the fever was gone. When I finally managed to get out of bed, I filed for divorce.