If they ever had to repay the tears I wasted on them. I'm sure they would cry for lifetimes and die. It’s not about revenge or reverence, it’s about emotions and feelings. The depth of the emotion I felt, was almost a heartbreak. 

Almost, because even though I felt the pain, I didn't hear my heartbreak and fall. It was a gradual process, something I couldn't stop until I was at the edge of misery. 

The pain was fresh, stinging through my body but I knew very well that life will not let me go that easily. How could it? It had more sufferings written for me. It was a clearly stated fact in bold that "I could not run away from my own problems". 

Problems that led to insomnia, pain, disbelief, and dementia. There were days when I wanted to throw myself out of the window. And there were days when I wanted to feel what I felt before they ruined it. 

If you were in my shoes, would you say that the things that happened with me were 'problems'? Would you say that if your trust was shattered into innumerable pieces? If your heart was stabbed and thrown away? If your back bled profusely due to the wounds they gave you? Would you still say it? 

You won't. You won't say a word you say right now because you would know exactly how I feel. It would be like we switched positions, and when I will mock you, you will bleed. How weird would that feel? Me in the position of power. I would know the effect my words have on you. You will feel the ache again and again. I won't stop it, because I would be you, and you never stop. 

It’s ironic, how one sentence from a specific person can make you feel an array of sentiments. It’s unlike any other experience I ever had even though I felt it a million times. Every time it happened, it would be a different sensation. Every realization differed from the previous one, causing my checklist of "Things I’ve felt" to increase. I wouldn’t call it an achievement since it could drive anyone to madness. 

But one of the things I do count as achievement is the way I coped. Yes, I cried. I cried on starless nights and I cried on sunny days. I cried when I was alone and I cried when I was surrounded. I cried when I was happy and I cried when I was sad. I cried because the only thing I was allowed to do was to let my emotions flow. 

They flowed like a stream of fresh water, refreshing and mesmerizing at the same time. Refreshing as it cleansed me of the labels they attached with my name. Mesmerizing because as it flowed, I felt less guilty. My realization slowly seeped in, that not everyone can appreciate beauty. It’s in the eyes of the watcher and maybe the people who watched me weren’t qualified enough to appreciate the beauty of the creation. 

It was sad, but it was relieving at the same time. Maybe because I knew that I was pure, or maybe I saw speckles of white on a female, fully tainted red in handprints. Maybe it was both, maybe it was neither. But whichever it was, it made me appreciate the fact that not all see what you see. Not all choose to look over the flaws. Not all have trained their eyes to notice the perfection amongst the imperfections. But I have. 

I didn’t 'run away’ from my own problems. I kept them at a distance. For you, it may be cowardness, but for me, it was protecting myself. You may not understand why I did so, so I won’t waste my time explaining it to you. But the one thing I surely will tell you is that your actions will return to you. I'll see you on the day when you will be bleeding and I will be perfect because eventually, the roles change. 

On that day I will ask you "How does it feel repaying my tears that I wasted on you?"