It is late and I should have written before now, but I have found myself quite busy since my return to London. Since I received Lucius's most recent letter, Gabriel and Michael have been schooling me on how to wield the sword. As Michael himself has said—it appears that remaining offensive will not be enough, Lucius will come for me if I do not come for him. 

I must be schooled in defense as well. I must know when to use this weapon. When the time comes, the other angels are not permitted to help me. I must complete my task on my own. This frightens me, but I feel relieved to know that no one else need suffer Lucifer if I fail.

My muscles do not hurt, as I believe they should, but the quivering of my arms when in the midst of a duel is enough proof of my weakness. Gabriel is stern with me. He pushes me even when I am tired and I can barely keep myself standing. His attitude towards me is born of his anger at my recklessness.

He had taken me in his office as soon as I'd returned. "You could have gotten yourself killed. All of this would have been for nothing—all because you needed to see him? You should be wiser than that, Cassiel. We have done so much to get you here, to reach this moment. How dare you risk it all on a childish desire."

"I was afraid for Leviathan—"

His voice was raised, stern, but not yelling. "You're going to kill him. You came here to kill him."

"I needed to know if I would still care. If I would still love him like I did before."

He shook his head. "Why does it matter? You want him gone, dissipated, forgotten. You asked to become human so that you could end his existence."

"But it has been seventeen years since I last saw him—at least when I could recognize him for who he is. Time runs differently in heaven. Hundreds of years have passed and I am only now reappearing in this story. I just needed to know if, who he is now, would change how my soul, how my heart, felt about him" I had bowed my head, pleading with my friend to listen, to understand. "And even you cannot stand before me and pretend as if Leviathan has not changed. It is clear something within him is at war."

"He is still a demon. He made his choice."

"And humanity made theirs, and yet Adonai forgave."

"It is not the same for us."

I closed my eyes and forced myself to breathe, to will my fingers to stop shaking. I'd long since buried them within the folds of my dress, trying to keep Gabriel from knowing how much he was affecting me. In my heart, I understood that he did not want to harm me—he had agreed to help me in my cause and had done a splendid job of doing so—but I found the truth agonizing at best. I was in love with a man who had proven himself wicked. Why then, as I stood trying very hard not to cry, did I feel as if I'd misjudged him?

"He has fought for me." I said, my eyes still pressed shut. "Time and time again he has tried to warn me, tried to urge me to stay away from Lucius. Even as I hid, feet from the devil, Leviathan came to my aid."

"A valiant effort on the part of one of Satan's angels."

I looked at him then. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that there is no conflict within Leviathan. Promise me this—and I shall carry out my mission without hesitation."

"It is not my place to know the workings of souls," he shook his head, "the workings of demons."

"No. It is not. But it was once my job to know the grieving of souls—and even now I can see there is a working in Leviathan Desmott. The shadows—"

He cut me off. "The shadows you see are just furies."

I sighed. "Perhaps, but why then do they plague him? Why do Lucifer's whispers cling to him and feast on his very being. They are no friends to him, Gabriel."

"And what would you have us do? You are human, Cassiel. You chose this."

"Perhaps I chose wrong. Perhaps something has changed within him over the last seventeen years—Over the years that have passed since he fell, since I began the journey of following him here."

There was a firm knock on the study door. Lizzie did not wait to be allowed in, she opened the door with the confidence only the lady of the house could possess. "Your voices carried into the dining room. I wanted to make sure that no words were being said that need not be."

She raised an eyebrow at Gabriel, questioningly. Her expression was so stern that it seemed almost comical that she was only masquerading as his marital partner. As far as I could remember, Sariel and Gabriel were only ever dear friends in heaven. Standing before them now, I wondered if such standings had changed.

He straightened, folding his hands behind his back, and in that moment they truly looked the part of husband and wife. "We're fine."

She smiled and stepped into the room, her weight pushing the door shut again as she leaned against it. "Merritt," She said softly, "I don't believe we have met since you regained your memory." She lifted her hand to me, "My name is Sariel."

I took her hand and shook it. "I know you. You look over the fallen."

She blushed and laughed, quietly to herself. "Among other things, yes."

This confused me. "Other things?"

"Oh," her gaze darted to Gabriel and she failed at masking a smile. "I only meant that recently I have been tasked with doing other, more domestic tasks."

The small room fell silent.

"Perhaps we should retire to dinner," Gabriel said.

Sariel spoke up. "No, I wanted to join the conversation."

"Were we that loud?" He demanded, "So loud that you could hear us from downstairs?"

This was met with the most demure shrug I have ever witnessed. "I make a point of listening in, every now and again."

He made a sound at the back of his throat. "Of course you do."

I stepped forward, none too willing to be caught up in any argument that may ensure, and said, "May I ask you a question, Sariel?"

She nodded.

"What do you think of Leviathan?"

She hesitated, her mouth opening and closing as her gaze went directly to Gabriel's for guidance. "I—"

"I would urge you to speak plainly to me on this subject as it is of dire importance to me." I said.

Her expression was pained as she said, "I'm not sure questioning such things will lead you in a good, or productive, direction. Should we not stay true to our course?"

"I just ask that you speak truthfully about his character as of this moment in time. Is he conflicted? Does he doubt Lucius and wish to repent?"

Gabriel spoke up, "Please, let's not waste any more time on such talk—"

"Michael told me of your heart." Sariel said quickly, "I hope you do not mind that he went as far as to share such confidential words with me. He believed I might be of help to you—and so I shall tell you, what I told him: Leviathan wants to do right, but he does not know what that is."

I dare say, my heart soared at her words. "But isn't the desire to understand enough to warrant his redemption?"

She stepped forward and placed her hand over mine. "I believe that is a question for Adonai."

"Then I shall ask him."

And I have. 

It has been days since our arrival back at Lily House and I have not ceased my conversation with Adonai. Speaking to Him as a human is quite different from what it is like as an angel. Before, as with when I first started all of this, I could just go to him and tell him of my fears and desires. He is everywhere always, and so speaking to him in heaven was as natural as breathing. 

Although his closeness to me has not changed, as he walks with humanity in the same steadfast way he does with angels, I feel the distance between us with harrowing certainty. I am different and so our bond is different as well.

I have also had to learn to listen for him in different ways. His voice was once auditory and reverberating, now it can be found in the patter of rainfall or the ghost of candlelight on my bedside table. I do not doubt His presence or His hand in this. It is my belief that Adonai is trying to teach me something, I just hope that this lesson is not a painful one. 

I smirked just now writing that. Pain—oh, to go back to the days when my biggest worry was that I could not feel pain. I was afraid I might be seen as a freak—if only that girl could see just how freakish I am now. The Ruth Merritt Holbrook from six months ago would faint if she knew even the half of it.

Once again, I digress. Let us return to the point at hand.

I have yet to receive any full feeling on what Adonai would have me do. I keep telling myself that if Adonai orders it, I shall kill Leviathan. I shall do what I mentioned earlier and end myself alongside him. I am not sure what sort of life I could even live after such an ordeal as this. I am still seen legally as incapable of mixing with society. To the outside world, I am mad. Anyone who reads this diary will certainly believe so. 

But I have a redeemable soul and Leviathan does not, perhaps the world is so cruel as to separate us even in the afterlife.

But as much as I tell myself that I can kill him, I feel something in my heart telling me that I cannot. What if he can be saved? What if there is more to this story than what I first believed. Could the mad girl really redeem a demon? Once I would have scoffed at the very idea of such things—but that was before I realized that I was an angel. 

I suppose nothing is too far-fetched at this point.

And so what will I do if Adonai does not change His judgment on Leviathan? I have the same free will as I did as an angel; I know it is within my power to refuse. I could walk away from all of it. Leave things as they are. Leviathan's last letter asked that I go to America. It is possible that a city such as New York or Boston might allow me to disappear—but then what have I accomplished in all of this? For what did I exchange my wings?

Love—or some fabricated picture of it. I had loved Leviathan enough to not want him to end up in hell—even if that is what he deserved. Even if it was what he inadvertently chose for himself. We are both fools. He fell from heaven and I fell for him.

Regardless, I should have Michael go to Adonai to ask for His reply. 

I guess I am asking too much, since I have given up the blessing of hearing my master's voice directly, to have Him relay messages to me through other angels. Maybe Michael will return with silence. In truth, I have done nothing to warrant such special treatment; I am only human after all. But I yearn to know what I should do.

I fear I shall have to brace myself for the worst. Lucius is coming and I must be prepared to face him—alone.