Prologue - Part 1
Hey guys! This is just an introduction of their friendship over the years. I hope you enjoy! ❤️
⚠️ Warning - this chapter contains mentions of sexual assault, anxiety and suicide. Please don't read if any of this triggers you. ⚠️
~ Madison's POV ~
5 years old - Kindergarten
"Stop it!" I pushed his hand away causing him to let out a laugh before he tugged on my braid again for the third time.
"Santigo stop." This time he laughed, but not at the fact I told him to stop but instead at the way I said his name.
"My name is Santiago. You missed out the 'a'." I heard a few laughs behind me and I finally turned around in my seat to look at the smirking six year old behind me.
"Leave me alone." I tried to give him a glare, but it probably came out more like a frown. Before he could say anything I turned around in my seat and picked up my pencil again.
I could hear more laughter for a while but I just chose to keep my head down and get on with my work, deciding it was better to focus on learning my times tables than to pay attention to the kids behind me.
By the time lunch came around, I still hadn't grasped much from my math class but that was normal for me. I was never good at math, even as a five year old when it was much easier.
A small grin threatened to stretch across my face when I opened my lunch box and found my favourite strawberry yogurt inside. I was busy opening it carefully to avoid getting any on yogurt on my clothes when someone walked past the bench I was sitting on and knocked it out of my hands.
"Loser."
I lifted my head away from the pink puddle on the floor just in time to see a boy I hardly knew, walking away from me, clearly laughing at what he just did. My grin quickly turned into a frown as I let out a small sigh and put the clean spoon my mom had given me back in my lunch box.
"Here." I turned my head when someone sat down next to me, surprised to see Santiago sitting next to me. He would have been what you would consider popular. Yes there was a hierarchy, even in kindergarten among five and six year olds.
I tentatively took the Twinkie which he was holding out to me while he held another one in his hand.
"I'm sorry for being mean to you." He refused to meet my gaze as he apologised and instead stared at the other Twinkie in his hand. He only looked up at me when I held my other hand out to him.
"What?"
"If you want me to forgive you then you have to give me both." I could tell he wasn't happy, but surprisingly he nodded and gave me the other one causing me to smile for the first time that day.
I carefully unwrapped the first one and took a bite out of it, swinging my legs backwards and forwards on the bench since they couldn't reach the floor.
A moment passed as Santiago just sat next to me in silence and I turned to look at him, seeing a neutral expression on his face. He didn't seem happy or sad but I wanted him to smile.
"Here, I'll give you one of my Twinkies but only if you be my friend." He looked at me again as I held the Twinkie out to him and I could tell he was about to say something, probably about the fact that they were originally his, but at the last moment he stopped himself and nodded his head giving me a smile.
"Okay." He took the Twinkie from me and unwrapped it as we sat together.
"I'm sorry I can't say your name. I can't speak Spanish." I mumbled this quietly expecting him to laugh at me like everyone else did because I couldn't speak Spanish.
"It's okay." He shrugged his shoulder as he spoke, keeping his eyes on the cake in his hands.
"Can I call you Santi?" I'd never heard anyone shorten his name at school, everyone called him Santiago, but I just couldn't get passed the first bit.
"Okay, but only you can call me that. No one else."
8 years old - 3rd Grade
"You're not very good at this Maddie." I sent him a glare as I tried to turn the soldier around so that I could find Santiago's soldier.
"I don't know the controls." He let out a laugh when I pressed the wrong button and instead of shooting, the soldier dropped down onto the floor doing an army crawl across the floor. Since we were playing multiplayer, I could see my soldier crawling on Santiago's side of the screen.
All he did was laugh again before he paused the game and shuffled across the couch in his living room. He sat next to me, taking the controller out of my hand and started showing me the different controls.
"To shoot your gun you press this button and to throw a grenade you press this button."
"This is a boys game Santi, don't you have anything else we can play?" All he did was shake his head before putting the controller in my lap.
"I don't play girls games." I let out a sigh as he shuffled back to his side of the couch and picked up his controller. We resumed the game again but it was becoming clear that I was going to lose since he'd had way more points than I ever would.
"Give me your controller." I frowned at him as he held his hand out to me and then took the controller from me when I gave it to him. He handed me the one he was using before he carried on playing, but this time gaining points for me instead of himself.
A few minutes later we swapped back again and within a minute the game ended.
"You won Maddie." I turned to look at him as he gave me a smile causing me to smile too.
"But next time I'm winning, I can't keep letting you win."
12 years old - 7th Grade
Wiping my eyes I stepped out of the girls bathroom, looking around for someone that I could ask for help.
I took a few steps in one direction before I went in the other direction, not sure of where to go or who I was supposed to tell.
Are you even supposed to tell anyone?
"Maddie?" I turned my head just as Santiago came around the corner, giving me a frown when he saw the tears in my eyes.
"What happened?" I shook my head, unsure of what I was supposed to say to him or what I was even allowed to say. I knew he was already aware of these things, he was thirteen which meant he'd already had the talk with the teachers about this. His birthday was in September whereas mine was in August so I wouldn't get the talk at school until next year when I was thirteen.
But my mom had already told me about all of this since I was in the 7th grade now and she thought I'd need to know.
"Santi I'm scared." I wiped my eyes as I stepped closer to him stopping in front of him. He looked at me through his long lashes as he spoke.
"What happened? You can tell me Maddie."
"There was blood." I spoke quietly when I said it but he still didn't understand.
"Blood where? You're hurt?" I quickly shook my head when his eyes widened. "I'm not hurt. I had blood on my...on my underwear."
"Oh." He frowned as it fell quiet between us for a moment and I'm sure my cheeks were bright red as we just stood in the empty hallway together.
"That means you're a girl...like, properly now."
"I was a girl before this Santi." He let out a small laugh when I said this and he nodded his head.
"I won't tell anyone Maddie."
"But, I need help. I don't know what to do." Once again the tears welled up in my eyes as I remembered the feeling I felt when I first saw the blood that had stained my underwear.
"When we got told about it, the teacher said if it happens at school the girls should tell the nurse. Let's go and do that." He held his hand out to me, and when I took it he gave me a small, reassuring smile before we went off towards the nurse's office.
We eventually found her and instead of leaving me like I expected him to, Santiago held my hand and explained the situation to the nurse who was just looking at the two of us with some creepy excited smile.
"Aren't you so sweet Santiago? It's okay Madison, I'll get you come clean underwear and a pad. Don't you worry about a thing, it's totally normal."
She told us she would be back in a minute and left the two of us standing in the hallway alone again.
"Thank you Santi." I gave him a shy smile and all he did was pull me in for a quick hug, before he stepped away again making sure to put some distance between us before the nurse came back.
14 years old - 9th Grade
"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong that's why." Santi rolled his eyes before he let out a sigh.
"I can tell something happened at school, just tell me. I can help you." This time I let out a sigh and put the down the pen that I was using to do my homework.
"It was nothing. Some girls were just talking about you and then when they saw me, they called me a few names." I shrugged my shoulders as if it was no big deal but Santiago still frowned.
"What were they saying?"
"They just said that they think you're really good looking and they didn't understand why you would-"
"Not about me Maddie, what did they say about you?"
"Oh. They just called me ugly, flat, pale, stuff like that." Once again I shrugged my shoulders like it didn't bother me, but this time Santiago moved closer to me on the floor where we were doing our homework in his room.
He knew me too well.
I wasn't actually that pale, but since I wasn't actually Latina like a lot of people who lived in our area, the girls at school would tend to make fun of me for that. I also wasn't as curvy as they were which is why they called me flat.
"Maddie don't listen to them. You're so beautiful." When he said this I looked away from him, suddenly feeling the sadness from earlier come back even though I tried to push it away.
"But...Santi they're all so pretty. They have nice hair and they're Latina so they're naturally tanned and they have proper boobs and-"
"And you're Maddie - my beautiful Maddie. Your hair is perfect and so is your skin tone and I don't really care about your boobs but I'm sure they're perfect too."
I let out a laugh when he said the last part before I gave him a small smile.
"Do you really think so?" He nodded his head before pulling me in for a hug.
"I do. You'll always be the most beautiful girl to me. Don't worry about your body Maddie, you're only fourteen, you'll still change and grow. They're just too stupid to understand that. Usted esta perfecta." (You're perfect.)
I rested my head against his shoulder, enjoying the comfort he gave me before I eventually pulled away from him.
"I love you Santi." He gave me a weird look like he always did when I said this, before he pushed me away from him and moved back to where his work was on the floor.
I rolled my eyes at his behaviour before I picked up my pen, focusing on the homework I was doing until moments later I heard him mumble quietly from his place near me.
"I love you too."
It wasn't long after when we started hearing the sounds loud voices coming from downstairs. Santiago was quiet for a moment before he eventually stood up and helped me to stand up to.
I could tell by his expression he was stressed about what was going on downstairs.
"I think you should go Maddie, it could get-"
I jumped at the sound of glass smashing downstairs which cut Santi off before he could finish his sentence.
"Crap..." I watched with wide eyes as he gently pushed me down hinting at me to sit down on the floor again before he left his bedroom and moments later came in with his younger sister. She was only nine years old, she was six years younger than Santiago.
He quickly shut the door before he sat down on the floor with her next to where I was sitting. I knew this wasn't unusual for them to experience, it just wasn't normal for me to be here while it happened.
"It's okay Isabel. It'll be okay." He held her in his arms as he leaned against the wall, sending me an apologetic look when there was another crash downstairs which caused me to flinch.
For the next half an hour we just sat there in silence trying to tune out the sounds of Santiago's parents shouting downstairs. It was exactly how he said it usually happened.
But from the way he seemed so relieved after it stopped, I couldn't help but feel like he was relieved for another reason.
Not just relieved that it had finished, but like he was scared something else was going to happen too. I never understood that feeling though and I never could put my finger on it, it was just something I felt in the moment when he kissed Isabel's cheek and spoke.
"See, I promised it would be okay."
Isabel gave him a smile before she eventually stood up and went back to her room when they were sure the arguing had stopped and the sound of the front door slamming echoed through the house.
"Santi..."
I didn't know what to say and thankfully he just gave me a smile and stood up again.
"Come on, I'll walk you home."
Just like he always did, he took my hand and guided me out of his house and we started the short walk to my house. I was lucky my house was so close to his, but it didn't mean he ever let me go home alone.
15 years old - 10th Grade
The second I stopped by our table in the lunch room the boys instantly stopped speaking.
"What?" Santi shook his head at me giving me a smile as he pulled out the seat for me next to him. I sat down, narrowing my eyes at Noah and Nicolas who were eating quietly across from Santi and I.
"I can leave if you want to finish your conversation?"
"No, you don't need to." Santiago shook his head, giving me another smile before he started eating his food. I could tell that they were hiding something, but I didn't push it and instead just let out a sigh as I started eating. The silence at our table didn't last long since the three of them started talking about their upcoming football game.
Santiago had met Nicolas and Noah on the football team last year. I didn't know them as well as he did but sometimes he sat with them at lunch which meant I would sit with them too.
Not all the time though, Santiago was my bestfriend but I wasn't clingy. I liked to do my own thing sometimes with some of the girls I knew from my history class but most of the time Santi wanted me to sit with him, so I did.
He had a few other friends who I'd seen him around with but I didn't know them much at all.
"Bro, who are you going to ask to go with you to the Valentines dance?"
I turned my head to look at Santiago, waiting to see what he would say in response to Noah's question.
"I already have a valentine, just like every year." He threw his arm around my shoulder, giving me a smile as he placed a kiss on my temple.
His action just caused Noah to roll his eyes before he started talking about the different girls he was thinking of asking.
Hours later, Santiago and I walked into his bedroom like we did almost everyday after school.
"What were you talking about earlier at lunch?" I dropped down on his bed after I put my school bag on the floor and I watched as he sat down on his bed too.
"It wasn't that deep, I don't know why they went all quiet."
"Well, what was it?"
"Sex."
I rose an eyebrow at him as he leaned back smirking at me when he saw the expression on my face.
"Sex?" He nodded his head letting out a laugh when I looked away. It was something we hadn't spoken about, until now. Not in this much detail anyway.
"Wait, have you done it already?" He nodded his head, his eyes shining in amusement when my own eyes widened.
"And you didn't tell me?"
"Why would I? It wasn't a big deal."
Guys.
Of course it's a big deal. Well, in my opinion it is anyway.
"It happened at a party Maddie. I've done it a few times. But you would know, if you ever came with me to the parties."
I rolled my eyes at his comment, of course he would try to remind me that I always declined his invitations to the parties that he would attend. It just wasn't something I was ready for, I was the one who was still 15 years old. At least he was 16.
"Whatever." It fell silent for a moment and I couldn't figure out what to say to him, so I just said the first thing that came to my mind.
"Did you enjoy it?"
Of course he just let out another laugh at my question before he nodded his head, still laughing.
"Yes it was very enjoyable." I nodded my head, looking away as a blush rose on my cheeks.
"Aw, are you shy Maddie?" I narrowed my eyes at him, while I shook my head although it was clear this topic made me seem like a prude.
"Well from your reaction I can tell you've never done it, but I already knew that anyway."
"You did?" He nodded his head before he spoke as if he had to explain the obvious to me.
"You've never had a boyfriend and you don't go to parties."
I really did sound like a prude and for some reason I really felt like I had to defend myself.
I was still only fifteen years old for crying out loud.
"Well I'm not shy, I'm still young and I just don't talk about this stuff with anyone. None of the girls I'm friends with are like that."
Santiago nodded his head as he looked away from me before he turned to look at me again with that annoying smirk on his face. I could just tell he was going to say something that would cause a reaction from me, and he definitely did.
"Have you ever masturbated?"
My eyes widened at his question and I quickly sat up straight sending him a glare as my cheeks reddened.
"Santi! You can't ask me things like that."
Of course he just laughed at my reaction which only added to my embarrassment.
"Oh come on, you tell me when you're on your period and I just told you I've had sex, how is this any worse?"
I just shook my head at him, I could tell he was enjoying this.
"No, I've never masturbated."
"Never?" He definitely seemed surprised by my answer which instantly told me that it wasn't normal for a girl my age to have never done it.
"No, I don't really know how to do it."
He nodded his head clearly amused by the blush on my cheeks which didn't seem like it would be disappearing any time soon.
"You don't have to feel pressured to do it Maddie. But, if you want to know how, just do some research. There's loads of stuff online."
Some people might assume - and they definitely did while we were in highschool, that Santiago and I had done things together - that we'd at least kissed. But the truth was we never did. He probably didn't find me attractive, considering he was on the football team and I was just a normal girl. But he never overstepped his boundaries, the most we ever did was hug and snuggle. Everything was platonic.
"Like porn?" He nodded his head letting out a laugh when I said this. "Yeah like that I guess."
I nodded my head before I let out a sigh.
Was this even normal?
I mean, what age is it okay to start discussing things like that with your friends? If you talk about it, does that mean you have to start thinking about actually doing things? And don't even get me started on peer pressure.
I was never pressured in highschool but I definitely observed it.
"Isn't it a bit early? At fifteen years old for me to be thinking about having sex?"
"For you, yes. A lot of girls your age have already done it, but I would never let you do anything with a guy. Not yet, anyway."
"Like I'm going to ask you for permission."
"It's not about permission Madison, I know you can do what you want. But I'm a guy, I know how guys think and I don't want you to be used by someone who isn't good enough for you. I'm just looking out for you. You know I love you."
I gave him a small smile when he said this which he just returned. At that time I didn't think much about him being protective, because I wasn't even considering having sex. But when we got older, his protectiveness definitely became an issue.
16 years old - 11th Grade
"Santi come on." He rolled his eyes at me before closing his locker door and taking my hand in his.
"You're annoying as fu-"
"And you know I hate it when you swear so stop it." He let out a laugh at this before throwing his arm around my shoulder as we walked to the lunch room.
It had only been a recent change in him that I'd noticed. I mean, he was a guy, he swore a lot anyway but recently it just increased. It was like almost every sentence he would say a bad word.
"Hernández." Both Santiago and I turned around when we heard someone call him by his second name. He removed his arm from around me as he stepped closer to the guy I noticed to be the one person he absolutely hated the most at this school.
Asher Hill.
They actually used to be pretty close until Asher apparently said something to Santiago that he didn't like at a party and they had a fight.
"What do you want?"
Instead of responding to Santiago's question, Asher's eyes shifted towards me and he gave me a smile causing Santi to tense up.
"Madison."
I gave him a small smile at the greeting which he obviously took as an indication that it was okay to speak to me.
It's not like I didn't know him, when he was friends with Santiago I crossed paths with him multiple times.
"How are you Maddie?"
"Good, thank you." He nodded his head before he stepped closer in my direction, ignoring the glare that Santiago was giving him.
"I'm having a party this weekend, you should come."
"She's not going." I turned my head to look in Santiago's direction but before I could say anything, Asher beat me to it.
"I think she can make her own decisions, don't you bro?"
"I'm not your freaking brother. She's not going, that's the end of it." I stepped closer to Santiago, taking his hand in mine when I noticed he was becoming more and more tense.
"Santi let's just go." I tugged on his hand but he didn't move, instead he kept his eyes on Asher who was smiling teasingly.
"Go on Santi."
Before I could even register what had happened, Santiago's hand was out of my grip and he stepped towards Asher with a menacing glare on his face.
He was just about to pull his fist back to punch him when I grabbed his arm to stop him.
"Stop it! If you hit him you'll be kicked off the team. Santi leave him, just come with me."
Santiago turned to look at me and in that split second I saw just how angry he really was.
Anger was another thing that I had noticed to be increasing in him recently too.
If this was how he reacted at school, it didn't surprise me that Asher was able to get a rise out of him at the party.
Santiago was ready to fight him again and this time there was no alcohol involved which usually made guys a lot more argumentative and aggressive.
Thankfully, he stepped away from Asher and took my hand, pretty much dragging me to the lunch room and away from Asher who was watching us walk away.
We didn't say a word as we walked into the lunch room, getting our food and then going over to the table where Nicolas and Noah were sitting.
"What happened?"
"Asher happened."
Noah nodded his head in understanding, but before he could probably try and tell Santi to make up with Asher so that they could all be friends again, a whiny voice spoke up behind me.
"What did you just say about Asher?"
We all turned around to see the queen bee of the school glaring at us, or in particular, me.
"Absolutely nothing, run along now." I waved her on in the direction she was walking in before I turned back to face my food, but all she did was speak again.
"Asher is mine, Madison."
"Okay, you can have him." I gave her a smile before I took a bite out of my sandwich, letting out a moan at the taste causing Santiago to laugh next to me.
"He would never go for anyone like you anyway. He has standards, he wouldn't go for Santiago's whore."
"What did you just call her?" My eyes widened when Santiago stood up from his chair next to me and I quickly swallowed the bite I'd just eaten. Just as I was about to speak he beat me to it.
"She's not my whore, she's my best freaking friend and she's the most amazing person in this damn school. The only whore here is you."
It wasn't the first time someone had called me that, especially in front of Santiago. But, this was the first time he'd gotten so angry.
16 years old - 11th Grade
"I'm going to get into so much trouble for this." I let out a groan as I dropped down onto his bed. The fact his house was so close to mine meant I was pretty much always here since his parents were hardly ever home or they just didn't care about my presence.
My words caused him to laugh as he sat down next to me.
"You're acting like this is the first time you've ever skipped school. We've done this before Maddie."
"No I know, but...ugh. You're becoming a bad influence on me." I wiggled a finger in his direction causing him to roll his eyes before he lay down on the bed next to me and closed his eyes.
"I'm tired, be quiet." He wrapped his arms around my waist before he rested his head on my shoulder causing me to let out a sigh.
We spent the next hour like that while he napped and I just enjoyed the peace that I got while he was sleeping and therefore not talking.
Unfortunately though, it didn't last long enough because when he woke up he then decided he was ready for breakfast.
"Have you ever tried it?" I shook my head as I scrunched my nose up, putting the bottle of vodka back in the cupboard where I stumbled across it while looking for some pancake mixture.
"Have some then."
"Now?"
Santiago nodded his head before coming over to where I was standing and taking the bottle out again. I watched as he took out a glass and poured some into the glass for me.
He slid it across the counter to me before I just slid it back to him.
"You drink it first." My words caused him to laugh and he picked the glass up without question, putting it to his lips. He knocked the drink back before putting the glass down and pouring me some.
I knew he drank, but I didn't know he found it that easy.
"Now your turn." This time when he slid it to me, I held it in my hands, staring at the clear liquid which pooled at the bottom of the glass
"I've never drank alcohol before."
"I know, I'm not stupid Maddie. Just drink it. It's one glass, nothing will happen."
I let out a defeated sigh before I closed my eyes and drank it all in one go like he did.
Of course it was a bad idea and as soon as it hit the back of my throat the burning sensation erupted and I started coughing.
"Crap, I probably should have warned you about that." I glared at him as I continued to cough and my eyes began to water while he just let out a laugh, pulling me closer to him. I rested my head against his chest, feeling the vibrations in his chest as he laughed.
"Do you want to try some weed now?"
"Go away Santi."
Of course he just laughed again at this as he rubbed my back.
"I love you too my beautiful."
17 years old - 12th Grade
I held Santiago's hand in mine as we walked into the party that was going on to celebrate the win Santiago and his team had just got in a football game.
Once we got towards the end of the 11th grade, I started off slow, going to a few parties here and there with him, and eventually I started going to most of them with him. I wasn't the best at dealing with alcohol though, actually Santiago would always call me a lightweight. Of course I would argue with him but it didn't really matter. We both knew it was true.
"Try not to get plastered this time."
I narrowed my eyes at Santiago as I pulled my hand out of his grip as we stepped into the kitchen where some of his friends were already drinking - including Noah and Nicolas.
"Hey." I smiled at the two of them, giving Noah a hug when he wrapped his arms around me.
He was definitely drunk.
I let out a laugh before I stepped out of his arms and stood next to Santiago, thanking him when he handed me a red solo cup.
He taught me to never accept drinks from anyone except him, something which just ended up staying with me for the rest of my life.
"Really?" He shrugged his shoulders as he took a drink of his own drink, while I just rolled my eyes drinking the little bit of alcohol that he'd put in my cup.
"I'm starting you off slow."
"I don't need you to-"
"Okay Maddie, whatever you say." I narrowed my eyes at him when he cut me off but instead he just turned around to face the blonde girl who tapped his shoulder from behind.
I rolled my eyes and instead turned to speak to Noah and Nicolas, talking about the game that they'd just won. From the corner of my eye I saw Santiago go off with the blonde into the living room, which meant I got a chance to fill my cup myself while ignoring the disapproving looks Noah and Nicolas were giving me.
I drank that cup and then another one, feeling the effects of the alcohol start to wash over me almost instantly.
Maybe an hour later I was busy dancing on the makeshift dance floor with some random guy off the football team with another full cup of tequila in my hand.
I felt his hands move from my waist to my hips as he held me against him, causing a bubbly laugh to escape my lips. He seemed to take my laughter as a good sign and soon he stepped even closer and our bodies were pressed together. My eyes locked with his and soon his lips were against mine.
The kiss didn't last very long and soon he was guiding me upstairs as I continued to sip on my drink like it was just water.
I followed him through the dim hallways as we stopped at a bedroom and he opened the door allowing me to go inside first. He closed the door behind me and without turning the light on, he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
At the sudden contact I dropped my drink on the floor, feeling the liquid splash against my feet. His grip around my waist was tight as he started kissing my neck, ignoring my attempts to move his hands from my waist.
I didn't want this. I know I followed him upstairs but I didn't want this.
I couldn't speak, it was like the alcohol had muted me and the darkness had blinded me. I couldn't see, I couldn't scream especially over the music blaring downstairs.
All I could do was feel; his hands against my body, his lips on my skin, my body connecting with the bed when he pushed me down onto it and the weight of his body on top of mine.
My limbs felt heavy and I lay there wishing that I had the strength to push him off me but I couldn't.
So I just lay there letting his hands roam over my body. One of his hands was soon gripping my wrists, holding them above my head as his other hand continued feeling me up.
Until he finally moved.
Soon the light in the room turned on causing my eyes to sting, and after the moment it took for me to adjust to the sudden brightness I saw a figure holding another against the wall.
It took a second for me to realise it was Santiago and he wasn't just holding the guy against the wall, he was punching him. Soon once the shock had worn off the guy starting punching back.
"Stop it!"
"Santi!"
"Please stop Santi!"
I tried and I tried to stop him from fighting the guy but he just seemed so blinded by his rage that he couldn't hear me.
That's when it suddenly caught up with me.
It was like someone had suddenly hit play again and all of sudden I was hit with this wave of emotion. The thoughts of what had just happened, like a nightmare where you can't scream and can't move, you can't see or hear anything. He was on top and I couldn't move.
These kinds of parties were like that, you're so deprived of all your senses - your hearing with the music, your sight with the dim lights, your ability to scream and be heard above the sound.
They just make you feel claustrophobic.
Suddenly my breathing began to quicken and it felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't scream.
It went on for a moment until I felt someone holding me in their arms rubbing my back soothingly. I instantly recognised it to be Santiago who was holding me, whispering quietly to me.
"Santi...it hurts." Tears were running down my cheeks as I struggled to breathe while he held me in his arms.
"I know baby. I'm right here Maddie, just focus on my breathing."
"He tried to...he was going to-"
"Shh, don't think about that. You're safe, I'm here. Don't think about that. I would never let anyone hurt you, ever."
I rested my head against his chest, gripping his shirt tightly in my face as I closed my eyes, waiting for the panic attack to finally subside.
It wasn't the first one I'd had in front of Santiago, they actually became pretty regular towards the end of our friendship.
Maybe it was like I knew he was leaving.
I was just getting myself ready for what happened that day.
18 - Summer after highschool graduation
"I can't believe you're finally eighteen." I rolled my eyes at Santiago as he pulled me in for a hug, holding me against him.
"And you'll be nineteen in less than a month."
"Good, that's how it's supposed to be. You're younger than me, but when we're the same age it's just weird." Once again I rolled my eyes before I pressed my hands to his chest to push myself away from him.
"Promise me we'll celebrate when I come back." He nodded his head, pressing a kiss to my forehead afterwards.
"Of course we will Maddie. This is the one time I'll give you permission and let you get drunk out of your mind."
"Oh please, we both know I would have done it without your permission, just like every party we've ever been to." He nodded his head letting a laugh when I said this.
Although it was my eighteenth birthday today, my parents were insisting we had to drive a few hours away from where we lived in Santa Ana to go and visit my grandparents for a week.
They claimed I had just had the whole summer which I spent with Santiago and that we would still have a few days to 'party responsibly' before we started college in the fall.
"We'll go out with a bang, don't you freaking worry Madison Clarke." I let out a laugh when Santiago nodded his head, clearly thinking of all the fun we would have during the last few days of summer when I got back.
Santiago and I were planning to go to California State University together, while I was going to study nursing, he was going to study business. It wasn't like we would be separated after college started but still, it was the end of an era.
"Madison!"
I let out a sigh when my mother called me from inside the house probably to ask me to come and help her pack.
"Thank you for coming to see me."
"It's your birthday, of course I would." Once again he pulled me in for another hug and instead of pushing him away, I just stayed in his arms.
If I had known it would have been the last hug he gave me, I would never have pulled away.
"Happy birthday Maddie. I love you."
"I love you too Santi."
Eventually he pulled away from me and handed me a small black box with my name on.
"I know it's your birthday today but don't open it until you're back. I want to see your reaction."
I nodded my head and put the box in my pocket, giving him a smile as I thanked him for the gift.
"I'll see you in a week then?" He nodded his head, taking my hand in his and squeezing it gently.
"Don't miss me too much Maddie." I rolled my eyes at him when he winked at me before he let go of my hand and started walking away.
I watched him walk away before I let out a sigh and went back into the house. I put the gift box he gave me in my room on my dresser before I finished packing my things.
<<<<<<< >>>>>>> <<<<<<<
One week later
"Mom I can't right now I'm going to see Santi."
"You spend too much time with that boy." I rolled my eyes at her words as I shoved my shoes on my feet before shouting a 'goodbye', closing the front door behind me.
I walked excitedly down the few streets between our houses thinking about all the things I wanted to tell Santi when I finally saw him. We had been messaging and snapping each other while I was gone, but a few days ago he just stopped replying.
I assumed he lost his phone again because he did that a lot.
Eventually I stopped at the house where I'd spent pretty much my whole childhood with Santiago. Once we became friends when I was five and he was six, it didn't take long for me to start going to his house. Eventually I would be going every few days at the least.
It was like my second home.
Taking no notice of the fact there were no cars on the driveway, I walked to the front door, knocking on it excitedly. It was normal for it to just be Santiago at home, his sister would spend most of her time at their neighbour's house and his parents were either working or avoiding each other.
When no one came to the door I knocked again and eventually after another minute someone opened the door.
"Who are you?" I frowned at the unfamiliar older woman, taking a step back when she gave me a glare.
"Um, I'm looking for Santi, is he here?"
"Who?" Her glare only intensified when she spoke again with a confused expression on her face.
"Santiago...Santiago Hernández, he lives here."
"No he doesn't, I do now. You have the wrong house girlie." She gave me one last glare and I flinched when she slammed the door in my face.
All I felt was confusion as I stepped away from the house, staring at the building in front of me just to make sure I had the right house.
It was his house.
I could see the black curtains he hated so much in his bedroom window from where I was standing on his driveway.
But he wasn't here. His family wasn't here.
Instead of knocking again like I so desperately wanted to, I decided to call Noah to find out if he knew anything about where Santiago was. But just like Nicolas who I called next, he had no clue. Both of them said they hadn't spoken to him in days like me.
I somehow managed to get back home and I sat down on the steps on my front porch, trying to figure out what I was supposed to do now.
I ended up spending the next hour trying to call the rest of his friends to ask if any of them knew what happened and when they all gave me the same answer, I tried calling his phone again although I knew it wouldn't help. I just did it anyway, over and over again until I couldn't leave anymore messages for him when his inbox became full.
Once the sun started to set I eventually got up and walked upstairs, keeping my phone tightly gripped in my hand. I let out a sigh once I stepped inside my room, closing the door quietly behind me.
I had no clue how to feel, what to do or what to say.
He was just gone. Like he didn't exist anymore, like he never existed.
How could that even happen?
Is it even possible that someone could just vanish into thin air?
My bestfriend. The one person who was there for me throughout pretty much my entire life. The person I found the most comfort in. By the age of eighteen I couldn't even remember what life was like before I met him.
He was my bestfriend.
He was my other half.
He was my everything.
He was gone.
It felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Any second now I'd wake up and Santiago would still be at his house playing video games or watching TV, waiting for me to come home from my grandparent's house so that we could finish our summer together and then go to college together.
But that wasn't going to happen.
The longer I just stood there blankly staring at my room, the more numb I began to feel. I couldn't figure out which emotion I wanted to feel.
That was until my eyes landed on the black box that he gave me on my birthday, which was still resting on my dresser where I had left it in such a rush.
"I know it's your birthday today but don't open it until you're back. I want to see your reaction."
The second I saw it, I felt a heart wrenching sob escape my lips as I dropped down to my knees on the floor. I just sat there crying, wishing that I could just understand what was going on, what had happened to him.
Wishing that I could just see him.
Wishing that he would hold me like he did whenever I cried.
Wishing that he would reassure me it would be okay.
But it wasn't okay and it wouldn't be okay.
Without being able to understand exactly what was going I knew I was confused, scared, sad, broken, hurt, worried, devastated, angry, shocked, heartbroken and disoriented.
I needed it to stop. I needed the pain to stop, I needed the overwhelming wave of emotions to just stop.
At first I only meant to take two pills to help the pain in my heart ease.
But before I knew it I'd taken them all.
And the worst part was, I didn't even care. As long as the pain stopped.
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I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, I'm still trying to get into a groove but I thought I'd show you the first one anyway! ❤️
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