Chapter 9

Like

I couldn't help thinking about it, about the things Kassie said to me. Hindi ko nga lang ba maamin sa sarili ko o...matagal ko na namang alam at naamin na rin sa sarili ko na gusto ko nga si Ethan noon...

And one day Janine came to me at the university. I was at the university's parking lot and was waiting for Kalyx. When she found me there.

"I heard you and the girls talking that day." She said.

Tumingin ako sa kaniya at tingin ko ay alam ko ang sinasabi niya. That day when Ethan proposed to her for marriage...

"Rina, give it up. Ethan will marry me and there's just nothing you can do about it now..." She said.

And my lips just parted...

"I heard you confirming it to Kassandra and Bianca that you liked Ethan—well, you didn't really say it. But your silence means that you really like Ethan... At hanggang ngayon ba, Rina?"

Ngayon na lang yata kami muling nag-usap ni Janine...

She's Kuya Axel's younger sister and we grew up together with our older siblings. At nakasama rin naming lumaki si Ethan.

"Look, Rina. I also have liked Ethan for a long time since we were just kids! And I don't just like him. I love him! I'm in love with Ethan, Rina. Kaya sana ay mas lumayo ka pa sa amin ngayon..." She said. And I think it was just out of desperation...

She's desperate to get rid of me... As if she wants a world now where only Ethan and her exists... And as if I've never existed in the first place...

"Janine..." I called.

Pinag-isipan ko pa ang sasabihin ko sa kaniya, pero sa huli ay nasabi ko na rin. "Back in high school, you told me that you liked Ethan... At that time, I was about to tell you as well...but you said it first..." I sighed a little.

Bahagya namang kumunot ang noo niya sa akin habang nagsasalita ako.

Nagpatuloy ako. This is the last time. And maybe the only time that I'd tell her about my true feelings... And she's supposed to be my best friend...

Muli pa akong nagbuntong-hininga bago muling nagsalita. At mabuti na hinayaan niya naman muna ako. "I didn't want you to feel bad... So I kept my feelings to myself... But I think you're already aware of it... You were aware of how I feel for Ethan, too..." And then I looked at her.

And I saw her eyes widened a fraction as she was looking at me, too.

"You already dumped him before!" She said.

At tumango naman ako sa sinabi niya. "Yes, I did... Back in high school Ethan also had confessed to me first..."

Nanlaki lang muli ang mga mata niya.

I sighed a bit before I continued. "And I didn't tell you about it since you said that you like him..."

I realized that I was selflessly loving the people around me... That no matter if I bleed, I still thought it was okay because akala ko na kaya ko naman kung ako ang masasaktan kaysa ang mga tao that I care about...

Same as I didn't want Janine, my best friend, to get hurt if I told her too that I also liked Ethan as much when she just told me how she liked him as well...

But it seems now that she already knew that I liked Ethan as well... At kailan pa niya nalaman...

"I just didn't want you to worry about me... Because if it was me, I will worry about you, too..."

Nakatingin kaming dalawa sa isa't isa.

"That's why I didn't tell you anymore that I also liked Ethan, but it seems now that you're aware, too..." I said.

But maybe she chose not to acknowledge my feelings...

Hindi na siya nakapagsalita.

At umiling pa akong muli. "But... you don't have to really think about what I said now. I'm sorry..."

I still care about her, of course. She's still my friend. Sinabi ko lang sa kaniya ngayon because I want to be honest with her, too. At dahil tinanong na rin naman niya ako tungkol sa nararamdaman ko.

But I realize, that I didn't care more about myself... At minsan pala ay nakakalimutan ko na rin ang sarili ko...

I was more concerned with the needs and wishes of others more than my own...

Palagi kong inaalala ang mararamdaman nila...pero paano naman ang nararamdaman ko?

And then I realize na...

Tama na.

I realize that it's finally enough.

I wanted to protect Janine in my own way. I wanted to protect her feelings that's why I didn't tell her about me and Ethan...

But now that it's done, at nasabi ko na rin sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko ay parang gumaan din ang kalooban ko.

And it was also somehow freeing... It's like finally ay may napakawalan na rin akong daladala ko... At kahit pa alam ko na makakaapekto pa rin ito kay Janine itong pag-uusap namin ngayon, pakiramdam ko ay kahit ngayon lang ay inuna ko rin ang sarili ko na huwag ko na ring mas pahirapan pa ang sarili ko...

Janine didn't say anything after that...

At nang tuluyan nang nakaalis si Janine at bumaling ako sa likod ko at natigilan naman ako nang makita kong nandoon na pala si Kalyx nakatayo at mukhang kanina pa siya nandoon. Did he heard what Janine and I talked about Ethan...

"Kalyx..."

Lumapit naman siya sa akin.

"Did you... hear..." I asked him.

Tumango naman siya sa akin...

Pagkatapos ay pumasok kami sa loob ng kotse niya. Ilang sandali kaming tahimik sa loob ng sasakyan at hindi pa rin siya nag-d-drive paalis doon.

"So...you like your friend? What was his name, Ethan?" He asked.

Unti-unti naman akong tumango sa kaniya...

Tumingin si Kalyx sa harapan namin. Napatingin na rin ako roon. Puro mga sasakyan lang ang nandito sa parking lot at mukhang hindi pa bumabalik ang mga may-ari sa kanila. Mukhang napaaga rin ang tapos ng huling klase ngayon ni Kalyx. I have somehow memorized his class schedule...

"You still like him until now?" He asked me after a while of silence.

Muli kaming nagkatinginan sa tanong niya.

"But he already proposed to your other friend... And he will marry her..." Kalyx said.

Hindi ako nakasagot agad at binalik ko na lang ang tingin sa harap...

"How about me..."

Bumaling muli ako sa kaniya nang muli rin siyang magsalita at may tanong din muli sa akin.

Muli pa kaming nagkatinginang dalawa.

And then he asked me one question. "Do you...like me, too?" Medyo humina rin ang boses niya sa tanong niya.

But I got it. I think I get it...

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

And my lips parted at his sudden question at first... But then, unti-unti rin akong tumango sa kaniya...

And then I said it. "Yes... I like you, Kalyx..." I said.

If we're talking about this thing, I think you can like people. And it doesn't have to be that special kind of like all the time...or to have such special and different meaning to it.

It could only mean that I like a person because they are likable...

Nagkatinginan kami ni Kalyx. Until he slowly nodded his head. And didn't anymore asked more questions. At wala na rin akong sinabi pa pagkatapos. And then he started maneuvering his car and drove us out of the campus.

We had dinner first. Madalas na rin kaming kumain sa labas ngayon. But tonight it's a little bit different. He brought me to a more formal or private expensive restaurant...

At nang nandoon na kami ay napuna kong halos puro lang yata mga business people ang nandoon o kaya iyong mga couples na mas matanda sa amin at may mga trabaho na. I wonder why Kalyx brought me here.

"I think it's very expensive here..." Tahimik ko na sinabi.

Tumingin naman sa akin si Kalyx at ngumiti lang. "It's fine. Order what you want. I just want to eat good food tonight." He said, at bumaling na siya sa menu na hawak niya.

Sinunod ko na lang din siya at pumili na rin ako ng gusto kong dinner kagaya niya.