The weekend ended and the kids went back to their house. Wijdan and Zoha were back to being normal around each other, well as normal as a messed up couple could get. The routine had gone back to as it was and things were looking back to being the part of the norm.
But what came to Zoha as a surprise was Inara’s continuous demand of leaving her at Nano’s place during the weekends. She’d start whining after coming back from school every Friday and wouldn’t shut up until the driver dropped her at Rehman residence. This wasn’t something to fret over. Wijdan was okay with it because Adeem and Afaaf hadn’t shown the same enthusiasm as Inara on the prospect of staying at their Nanu’s. They were teenagers now and were busy in their studies and friends almost all the time. So it wasn’t possible for them to share Inara’s sentiments.
But this was just the start. Over the time Inara had slowly drifted more distant from the family. She was almost always at Rehman residence and even though Zoha didn’t like it she was at least convinced that her daughter was with her parents only. Wijdan on the other hand never took much interest in where Inara was on the weekends. He was busier than ever. His promotion and ever increasing contacts had him totally invested in his work and circle.
But Zoha knew she had to intervene when she got to know from Afaaf that Nano had come to school to meet Inara’s teacher. This was the heights. No matter how much love and respect Zoha had for her mother, it wasn’t acceptable to her that she was meddling in her kid’s business.
“You have to stop, Ammi! In fact both of you have to stop! Inara can’t always stay here at your place. You know Wijdan, he can get real brutal when he wants to and one thing he never compromise on is the kids’ studies and their upbringing. I’m also of the same view. This is something we should take care of.”
Mrs. Amina poured the tea into the cups and handed one to Zoha.
“At least there is something you both can agree on.”
“Ammi, I…”
“Have you ever spent at least half an hour with your daughter and no, teaching her or confiscating her certificates doesn’t count.”
Zoha looked away.
“Exactly! Your daughter is feeling as a misfit in your perfect family, Zoha. She’s self-depreciating. She thinks that she doesn’t live up to any standards your so called family has. Do you have any idea how this is affecting her? She’s looking for an escape. She can’t stand her own family for longer than a week. You should be happy that her escape is only her Nanu’s home; she isn’t looking for it anywhere else. You never cared for her feelings so don’t do that even now. Let me handle this because with the way you and Wijdan are going, you guys will end up making her doubt herself some more.”
Guilt had started eating Zoha from within. Whatever her mother had voiced out, Zoha wasn’t unaware of it. She was just acting indifferent because this was easier than standing against her in laws and husband who had higher standards in everything and Inara didn’t fulfill any of their criteria. She wasn’t good in the subjects they thought were important for kids to excel at, she wasn’t prime and sharp, rather clumsy and laid back and she also hadn’t inherited her family famous sharp features and complexion. She was beautiful but not in the typical Sukhera way. And all this had somehow made her an outcast in her own family. Zoha had always thought this wasn’t something she could do anything about and thinking so she never even tried doing what she could actually do, loving Inara and trying to work on her insecurities. The result was now in front of her. Inara was growing distant from them all with each passing day.

*

The opened book was lying on the windowsill. Its pages were still as the panes had been bolted to not let the wind and rain in. Consequently, the rain was falling on the glass and making itself known.
Inara had come to the window to enjoy her book with a cup of tea but seeing the way it was raining she had become lost. The view outside wasn’t something to ignore. So she let it make scenery on the canvas of her memory.
This was soothing to her mind which wasn’t at peace for many days now. Her CAIE results had come a week back and since then a debate had ensued in the house. Her father wasn’t pleased with the number of As she had scored. Her result was on average good but average good and Sukhera good were two different things and as the norm, Inara had failed to reach the Sukhera level.
Now, according to her father her future was a big question mark as she wouldn’t be able to get into the university he had in his mind for her neither she’d be able to get a seat in the degree program he wanted for her. This also meant she won’t be fit for sitting in the CSS exam, something which was like cakewalk for her family for so many years. Adeem was already on the road to becoming a bureaucrat like his father. Same was true for Afaaf, though both were in different branches but they were where their father had hoped them to reach.
Inara as usual was called to her father’s study and that’s when the old age rebuking started. Zoha was also around and as always she didn’t say anything.
But this Inara wasn’t the same eight year old who had cried herself to sleep the day her mother had snatched her excellence certificate from her. This Inara had learnt to put her point across her family no matter how unyielding they would be looking.
Living at her Nanu’s house most of the times had proven the best decision any elder had ever taken for her. Her confidence in herself had slowly reformed, though she was still not there like her siblings. The lack of care had turned her into someone who didn’t speak unless it was necessary. Her interest in things related to her home life and her family was limited. And giving her opinion, she had never done that. She was living like a guest in her own house. Only her room was the place in there where she was totally herself. And her Nano’s place where she was actually a guest felt like her safe heaven but for how long?
For a while she tried being the person her parents wanted her to be. She had understood that being different was a bane of her life so she chose to work on herself. She started striving for better grades, started acting like Afaaf and following in Adeem’s footsteps. But it all exhausted her. And there was no appreciation for her efforts from her parents or siblings. Wijdan and Zoha didn’t acknowledge it at all and Afaaf snorted telling her she could never get there.
Adeem was the only person who was saddened by this. And that night he had taken her to the lawn and said those words to her which were with Inara even now.
“I love you because you’re my sister and I’m going to keep on loving you no matter how different you’re from us. This difference, it makes you unique, Inara. You have your own specialties which don’t match with ours but that doesn’t mean they don’t matter. Stop being someone you’re not. I know it’s hard not being able to be true to what they all want you to but it’s even harder not being true to yourself. They don’t love you like this. You should at least love yourself the way you are.”
This was the moment Inara gave up on pleasing her family. From there on she was the same Inara her family could never come to terms with. She started working on the things she was passionate about.
Literature, books, creative writing, history.
And after passing her high school she wanted to further pursue any of these as her major in the university. She knew before anyone else that she wasn’t cut out for civil service, something her father so vehemently insisted on. But now they all also knew and Inara was satisfied.
“Inara, beti?”
She came out of her thoughts and looked at the house help.
“Sir is calling you in his study.”
“Again?”
Inara said aloud and nodding her head followed her outside of the room.
She wasn’t expecting both Adeem and Afaaf to be also present there with Zoha and Wijdan. That told her she was in for something big.
“Yes, Baba?”
Her father gestured her to sit down and pushed a pile of paper towards her. By the looks of it they were admission forms of some sort.
Inara eyed it with a scowl on her face and soon enough her confusion had gotten clear.
“I used my contacts and you’ve been selected in the university I had chosen for you in the faculty I had in mind. Fill this up and hand it back to me. And be ready. The classes will start from next month.”
Inara glanced at her mother and siblings. Zoha was smiling as if this was her wish as well but deep down Inara knew she wanted her to play along. Afaaf was indifferent while Adeem was concerned.
“I won’t.”
Wijdan was taken aback.
“What?”
“I won’t go to this university and I clearly won’t be majoring in that!”
She pointed towards the degree.
Wijdan narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t used to his kids refusing him or contradicting with his plans for their future.
“I’ve already applied for a university in Lahore.”
All of them were shocked. Adeem grinned.
“When and in which major?”
“While I was at Nano’s and the Major is English Literature.”
Wijdan’s lips formed into a hard line.
“I’m pretty sure my name will be there on the merit list whenever they display it. You don’t have to worry about that. Also I’ll be living in the hostel. So I think accommodation issues are also set.”
“What if I don’t pay for this?”
Inara smiled dejectedly.
“You can do as you please, Baba. You’re the boss here. I’m not your most favourite kid so it’s pretty useless on my part to ask any favours from you. But both you and I know, in fact every person in this room knows that Civil Service isn’t for me. If you still push me through this then you’ll be doing both yourself and me an injustice. I want to choose a field I can actually work in, Baba. Not just drift through with the pressure of proving myself because let’s be honest here, there’s nothing to prove. Your two star kids are sitting right to your left and I’m the ugly duckling. I’ve always been that and to tell you the truth there’s nothing else I strive to be because there’s no point.”
Heavy silence had followed after which stayed there for god knows how long.
“Do let us know when the merit list is displayed and about all the dues. I also want to know about the hostel you’ll be staying at.”
It was Zoha who had come up with the decision.
“Sure, Mama. Can I go now?”
Zoha nodded. No further words were exchanged between them. Inara turned around and starting walking towards the door.
“I told you not to send her to your parents’ every other weekend. Now do you see what’s happening here?”
Wijdan had rounded on Zoha as usual. Afaaf was trying to cool him down. Adeem was by his mother’s side but Inara didn’t stop. Opening the door she was out of the study and closed it with a faint click behind her.
Her family was inside.
And she was outside.
And somehow it hurt but didn’t hurt at the same time.

*

Even before opening the door to the living room, Mrs. Amina could hear the sound of laughter coming from the inside. Her lips curled up into a satisfied smile as she adjusted the tray of snacks and clicked the door open.
Inara was sitting snuggled into her Nanu’s arms and was telling him all about her adventures on the university campus. Rehman was as always very interested in knowing about her student life and was adding his comments every now and then.
This was the norm for past three years. Since the time Inara had shifted to Lahore for her education, she was there at her Nanu’s house every weekend or with the gap of a week or two. Then it would be her endless stories and her grandparents.
After moving to Lahore they all had seen a new Inara. The change of environment had really changed her outlook towards life. She was studying her choice of subjects and that gave her the edge she never had while living in Pindi with her parents. With freedom of thought came the confidence which was buried beneath the layers of her shattered self-image.
By nature she was still the same, not easily opened up and keeping a distance but she would always be up for a debate now with her facts on her fingertips. Her general perception about life had morphed into a more positive and realistic approach and there had formed a certain calm in her personality, a steady flow which Mrs. Amina liked the most. It was almost like her real self had come onto the surface washing away all the blemishes the judgment of others had put.
But what didn’t change in all these years was her relation with her family. She used to look for chances of skipping her visits to her father’s house. And it wasn’t like the family felt it that much. Adeem was almost always away because of his selection in the administrative service. Afaaf was staying with her parents but her job in the commerce and trade department was also not giving her any spare time. This left only Zoha and Wijdan who had become ignorant after sending Inara to Lahore and Inara preferred it this way. Her second last semester was going on after which she had hopes of doing a fulltime job as an English subject teacher. She had her plan straight and so far nothing was looking to be in the way. Lahore and her Nanu’s place, two temporary homes she had made for herself when her own couldn’t give her the feeling of it. But temporary arrangements have this drawback to them, they are well…temporary.

*

Inara tuned out the jubilant buzzing which was coming from the lounge and the lawn area and kept on walking towards the kitchen. Her father’s laughter and her mother’s sophisticated yet welcoming gestures towards the guests were looking so alien to her but she didn’t comment on anything. For even doing that she had to get dressed up and go there between them and that she wasn’t going to do.
There was a barbeque party arranged for Afaaf’s in laws. Yes, the princess of Sukhera clan was getting married. Inara didn’t know many details about the guy or his family, just the fact he was chosen by her father and that was indication enough that Afaaf would be happy.
She opened the fridge and taking out peanut butter started spreading it on the bread. She was famished after working on the next assignment for the kids and now she needed to replenish her energy.
The day she got graduated was the saddest day in her life so far. She could always go back for post grad but she was pretty tired of living off her father’s money when he didn’t even like her that much. She had decided that she’d try getting a decent job first and saving herself some money to bear her expanses. It was the time to be independent.
And when she had finally succeeded in getting herself a job, she had come to know the odds of the world outside. She was earning way below than both her siblings but she was satisfied with the way she had started. She’d only grow from here she was sure of it.
“Now, that’s wrong. You can’t have all the fun alone.”
Adeem stood close to the fridge looking over the counter to find anything else to eat. Inara just shrugged her shoulders while munching on her sandwich.
“If you haven’t been paying attention, the real fun is outside.”
Adeem made a disgusted face.
“I’m not interested in knowing the latest gossip and the prices of the property, thank you very much.”
One thing Inara loved about Adeem other than his support of her choices albeit silent was his disdain for some aspects of the circle they moved in. He hated the shallowness of it as much as Inara did. He mixed up well but that was another story because now his job also demanded it.
“So, soon you’re going to have the house to yourself hun?”
He asked putting a cookie in his mouth from the jar.
“Ah! The joy!”
Inara fake gagged. Adeem chuckled. He hadn’t comment on it but he liked this confident streak to Inara after she had come back from Lahore. She wouldn’t shut herself in her shell, not in front of him and Afaaf anymore. Though Afaaf and Inara’s strained relation needed a lot of work but they weren’t as bitter towards each other as before.
“You two are such assholes!”
Afaaf announced dropping herself on the stool and pouring a glass of water.
“I thought you were enjoying that.”
Inara pointed in the direction of the lounge. Afaaf shrugged her shoulders.
“I did for an hour or so. Now I’m dead bored. My mother in law can’t stop talking.”
“She’s probably gonna keep on doing this even after marriage. Think this through, hun.”
Afaaf narrowed her eyes at Inara. Unlike Adeem she hadn’t accepted this Inara as wholeheartedly. Though they weren’t fighting anymore neither were they giving each other the cold shoulder, still Inara being all confident of who she was didn’t sit well with Afaaf. All her life she had seen people comparing Inara with her and they always had things to say in her favour only. This had boosted Afaaf’s ego, a kind of assurance and Inara’s crumbled image of herself had only added to the satisfaction. People were still the same but Inara had changed. She had stopped getting these things to her head and Afaaf was trying to wrap her mind around this fact.
“I’ve done all the thinking and it has led me to the conclusion that Yawar and his family are the best people for me. Yeah, my mother in law can be annoying at times but that’s manageable.”
Inara shrugged. It was totally fine by her. Afaaf was a part of this circle only and Inara somewhere knew she wouldn’t mind these issues like meddling mother in law or a boastful father in law.
“How’s your job going?”
For the first time Inara smiled wholeheartedly.
“Great!”
“I’ve seen you working and mind you they aren’t paying you enough.”
An attempt to make Inara realize her career choice wasn’t benefitting her financially like Afaaf’s was. Afaaf didn’t know unlike her Inara knew her well.
“I’m not deterred by it. We normal people start slow.”
Adeem ruffled her hair.
“You are doing well for yourself.”
Inara smiled at him which he reciprocated while Afaaf just sat there with a bland expression on her face.
Their parents won’t ever admit it but somewhere the childhood problems had put a wedge between them all. They weren’t as close knitted as they should’ve been and somehow it was okay.

*

The shift in the monotonous life had come in the form of Afaaf’s wedding. Since she was the most beloved child of the family, the preparations for her big day had started early on and everyone was taking their part in it. This was the first time in her twenty five years of life Inara was seeing her parents acting as normal husband and wife. Maybe it was Afaaf’s love which had made them forget they had the tendency to start an argument out of thin air.
It was the night of Afaaf’s Dholki when Inara finally got tired of her cousins and Afaaf’s friends’ continuous noise. She had reached her saturation point of social interaction for the day and wanted to retire to her room already. Not that she was the life of the ongoing singing session. So when she silently slipped out of the room, no one noticed.
She was passing the lounge towards the stairs when her name had her stopped in her tracks. Her mother was surrounded by some aunties from the extended family. This was Afaaf’s marriage and seeing her name being mentioned in a conversation was something Inara found odd.
“I’m very happy to see Inara, though. She has worked on herself and it shows.”
It was her phupho praising Inara’s glow up. Inara just shook her head smilingly.
“She had to. With the things going for her this was the only option.”
Her grandmother. Inara almost felt her heart sinking. She was sure what she would hear next wasn’t going to sound nice but she still kept on standing close to the wall.
“I love Inara. She’s such a sweet little thing but as I’ve mentioned many time before she doesn’t have that Sukhera charm. Afaaf had it even as a child and now it has grown some more. But Inara, no, she just doesn’t cut it. Also she kind of pushed away the Sukhera legacy. Wijdan says she didn’t have it in her and I believe him. Neither could she do it on educational front nor did she have that in personality. She’s laidback and part of the crowd when we Sukheras are famous for leading it. We don’t blend, but Inara is almost invisible when she’s among the masses. No shine through the crowd. Nothing I expect from a Sukhera while Afaaf…”
Her grandmother was still going on about her rant on how Inara didn’t live up to the Sukhera standard. What she didn’t know, Inara had been getting fed with these facts since, maybe the day she was born. It was carved onto her memory, her soul and her subconscious.
No matter how fitting now she was in her work front or the world outside but the fact remained the same, Inara Sukhera hadn’t been accepted by her family even now. She was still the ugly duckling of this family and she had no misconception regarding this.
Instead of going to her room as she had initially planned, Inara had found herself outside in the lawn close to the fountain. The pool around was covered with the petals of different kind. Inara sat down on the edge of it. She wanted to draw. A duckling to be precise. But she had stopped drawing long back. When she was trying to fit in. It was way long back.
But even though she had stopped trying for it, the pain was still somewhere in her heart. Something she tried her best to suppress. Families are supposed to support each other no? Because when they don’t, it hurts, more than anything out there.
She bent a little seeing her reflection in the water. Inara Sukhera. The daughter her parents never loved. The sister her siblings never wanted. The family failure. The one with an average everything. There was nothing extraordinary about her no matter how much she tried.
The ugly duckling.
The commotion towards the gate hadn’t pulled her out of this state she was in. Adeem had few of his friends over and he was probably seeing them off now. Inara didn’t look up.
But she should’ve because the person walking towards his car was looking at her with interest and mild amusement.

*