Thursday, January 1st, 2015

Sitting still as if I were a deer caught in headlights, I froze. I assumed Gunther wanted everyone to pay attention to his lecture, but why he pointed fingers at me would be anyone's guess.

I assume if I were in the gentleman's shoes, I'd probably expect the same treatment from my pupils.

So, was I rude? I'd admit I was.

My bad manners have been known to be a sign of weakness and insecurity. And, I hope he forgives me.

I couldn't help it if my eyes were focused on the floor or anywhere else in the room rather than on him. My center of attention was more on my car, as I hope Ophelia won't be towed away.

Impatience was my middle name!

I just have to get through this meeting since my brother might drill me about it when I get home. Joshua was like that as he was trained to become a sergeant in the Marines and somehow took that type of personality with him when he came home. Thus, I expect that to happen.

"So, who wants to start?"

That manly voice startled me as I flinched in my seat and accidentally bumped into Cathy .

She looked at me as if I wanted to be that prospective volunteer.

Yeah, right!

But as before, I didn't have time to protest as Cathy already raised her hand to propose that her new friend would do it.

I looked left and right to figure out who she was talking about. I had a hunch it was me, but prayed for a miracle that it was somebody else.

***************

Gunther smiled as he saw his sibling raise her hand. He knew she would be right on time, as if he planned this whole setup from the get go.

Gunther pointed to her to speak up.

"Hi Cathy, everybody this is my sister. She offered to help Bernice and I to start this AA meeting off right. Would you like to introduce to us who your new friend is?"

Mumbling curse words to myself, I eventually murmured the words "Fine" under my breath,  hoping no one would hear me. I interrupted Catherine's little speech about me and spoke up.

"Yes, I am Marlene Brennan and I'm a habitual drinker. Thank you Cathy for the small intro. but if you don't mind, I'll take it from here."

She nodded, and was glad that she allowed me to continue.

"My brother asked me to come here, so here I am! Glad to meet all of you."

Not! And I waved my hands frantically to let them know how friendly I was.

"What's your brother's name?" Gunther asked.

Like I need to tell you his name. This Mr. Dawson dude is quite inquisitive. What is this? Does everybody need to know everyone's family business? And the Dawson surname awfully sounds familiar.

However, before I could say something else, Gunther beat me to it.

"Is it Joshua Brennan?"

I nodded.

How did he know? I swear I'd find that out, and as soon as I get home my brother is gonna get a 'mouthful of complaints' from me!

Gunther continued talking while I sat still trying to hide my anger.

"Oh, yes I know him. He spoke to me the other day. He's part of the PTSD group that meets downstairs on Thursdays and Fridays. Told me he knew someone who might want to join this meeting and so, here you are. Thank you Marlene for coming."

Darn it! Why did I state my surname? Moreover, why did Joshua have to tell Gunther that?

It caused me to frown.

Ow!

My chapped lips started to hurt when I moved them around. Possibly it's because I don't use lip gloss as Paige advised me too. 

Darn it! She's like my mother. Always telling me what to do but she tends to be right. Her common outburst," Don't tell me I didn't warn you Marlene."

But as someone once told me, it takes twenty-six muscles to smile and sixty-two to frown. So, that might explain the pain that I'm feeling. The more bones it took to move the jaws, the harder they must work.

Or simply, I'd have to go to the dentist for a checkup.

"Don't feel bad Marlene. What we talk about here, stays here. Am I right, everyone?"

The echoes of "yes" responses blurred in my ears. As if these people would really do that. We should've signed a trust agreement if they were going to stay truthful.

I nodded and sighed. Two can play that game for sharing personal information out loud. My dark brown eyes glared at him.

"As I was about to say, before Mr. Dawson interrupted me, I convinced myself that the alcohol was my safe haven. The truth was, I have been letting my thoughts run wild that left me terrified of what might lie ahead. A broken heart? Regret? Failure? Depression? Yup, that was all that I faced in the past."

I briefly closed my eyes remembering those memories that haunted me each day. And once I opened them again, I spoke as fast as I could to get this out of the way.

"I left Texas after my sister's death and felt it was partly my fault that Moira is no longer with us. I drank my tears away while my brother was still battling his own demons as he just retired from the Marines."

Catherine started rubbing my back as I cried.

"I'm sorry to hear about that dear. Please know, we are all here for you if you want to talk about it. But I have to stop you there. You don't have to tell us everything at the moment. Time will heal. And thank you for sharing that Marlene."

His head turned away from me and without another thought, he blurted out these words, "Now, who'd like to be next?"

How could Gunther just say that? Doesn't he have any empathy at all? But I remained in my chair and placed my happy face on, even though my heart sank.

A man raised his hand and as I turned around to see who it was, I was shocked to see a familiar face. Brunette, with high cheekbones. Oh no, It can't be! It's ... it's Chino ... the bartender who poisoned me years ago. Unless he has a twin, I've got to get out of here!

I covered my mouth hoping he would not recognize me. I thought he'd still be in prison with his other two accomplices who held my former crush and I for ransom.

I tried to keep a straight face and pretended to yawn to cover up my previous act.

The mystery guy was about to open his mouth when I decided to rush out. I whispered to Cathy that I had to go to the restroom and took my purse with me.

It was a white lie, but what could I do? If that was indeed Chino, heaven forbid, I'd pass out. He couldn't be back for revenge, could he? Or has he really changed for the better?

Now, I feel my own brother set me up and feel so stupid for falling for this trap! But then again, it was possible Joshua had nothing to do with this at all. Brother and sister just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time!

Damn it! I wish we could just move to Timbuktu and change our names. It's like we're total celebrities in this town!

As I stood up, I pretended to jiggle my legs together so everyone would believe I really had to use the restroom. But in truth, I'd rush downstairs to start my car.

I decided to find the door that led to the stairway this time, for taking the elevator again might just lead to trouble as I met my annoying seatmate, the mysterious lady in red. When she touched me earlier, it felt odd like déjà vu. Chances are I must've met her somewhere as well, but I couldn't quite figure that out.

Red, the color of danger, a warning that might creep up in my life again. A threat of failure, and a trigger of an attack. I'm a bit superstitious, so I couldn't figure out if I'm just blowing it out of proportion!

I focused on going down the stairs in order to get to my destination. Gently gliding my hand down on the railing, I carefully descended down each step. How I wish that I could take these heels off of me and go barefoot . But doing so would only delay me from getting to 'Ophelia'.

***************

As I unlocked the door of my house, I heard familiar footsteps coming towards me. I had a feeling it was Joshua, but instead of finding out who it was, I rushed inside and bypassed the tall man waiting for me as if he was our father instead of my sibling. I fell into my brother's arms as he prevented me from walking further.

Joshua put his arms around my shoulders in order to calm me down. My late sister would do the same thing when I had a tantrum and I miss her warm touch. My brother's arms were almost the same, but he had callous hands that weren't as smooth as Moira's. They were rough, and I imagine his hands went through rough times in his line of work. But either way, I'd take the hug. It's the 'cuddle hormone' that keeps me cozy inside. It's like keeping the furnace stocked with coal to keep the fire burning.

And it probably was a sibling thing as he knew when something was wrong just as he got mad when he found out that Owen was two-timing his sisters. I laughed at that thought, as I remember how the sleazy guy became afraid of Joshua. Owen practically ran the other way after he heard my brother's lectures.

"Whoa, sis. Are you tryin' to run me over? Slow down, what's wrong?" He asked with a laugh as he bent down to give me a bear hug.

Joshua was quite taller than me, but that didn't matter. If I had to stand on my tiptoes to reach my brother's height, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

My brother saw my glum face and tried to cheer me up by giving me some candy he had in his pocket, but I refused to take it. A piece of chocolate couldn't cool me down right now.

He opened his mouth and gawked in surprise since I didn't even grab the wrapper.

"What? No chocolate, Mae? Did something happen at the meeting?"

There you go. The key question I forecasted. And brother knows how I love chocolate, but sometimes I will refuse it. Just like today.

As the tears poured out, I managed to spit out some words.

"It ..it was terrible. I'm not going back there bro ... please don't make me."

I dashed to my room and locked the door behind me. Joshua might come in to soothe me, but right now I didn't want any company.

I searched for my diary since I needed to add a daily entry before I forget them. As the great singer and songwriter, Barry Manilow, once said "I write the songs"... well, inside this journal were my own song lyrics I just had to jot down.

The colorful composition book was behind my desk drawer. Previously, it had a black cover as it was given to me by my brother at a young age. It was for a prank because he always thought I was dull, that was until I blossomed in my teens. And through the years, I added color, glitter, stickers, even magazine and newspaper clippings to make the cover and the pages of the journal stand out.

Thus, it had MARLENE written all over it. What I stored in there were notes and melodies of hunger, pain and rejection.

***************

Does one ever stay positive? It might not be impossible, but in my mind, being perfect all the time is a bore!

I'm quite the opposite - clever, smart-alecky and expressive in my satirical methods. And I tend to remain quiet at times.

I have to accept myself for who I am. Have to stop pretending to be perfect like my sister or take things with a grain of salt like my brother.

Being the youngest sucks. And to top it off ... right now, I'm scared. The past was back to haunt me, but I will remain brave. I dried my tears with a tissue and reopened my diary, and decided to take a trip down memory lane.