Thursday, January 1, 2015

It made me smile that my brother cared. But I knew it was too good to be true, for Joshua doesn't remain satisfied with me for too long. And as I forecasted it, he convinced me to go back to the next Alcoholics Anonymous session.

It always comes with a price with Joshua. A take it or leave it type of mentality.

I was a bit hesitant to do this, but I decided to go back despite what he said. I felt guilty for running out without notice. Catherine might have been annoying, but she didn't mean any harm. Nosy Gunther happens to be okay to say the least; his aim is to help Alcoholics like me to stay sober. Yet, the main reason I left was the guy I ran away from. I'm 99% sure that it was the bartender who was supposed to be locked up, but I had to admit I had my doubts. Didn't stay to hear who he was, and now I want to kick myself for doing that. The innocent  man could have been Chino's doppelganger for all I know!

I heard a wise man once say, "Nothing in life is to be feared!" And if I don't go back, it would make me look bad. So I took a moment to bite my lips and made the decision to do the right thing instead of running away from it. I promised myself to be brave like my siblings and tackle my Alcohol Addiction again!

***************

I closed my journal and sat at the edge of the bed. I guess it's time to confess what's going inside my head or else these precious moments were going to lead to disaster.

Facing Joshua, I confessed what happened after wiping my wet face with my sleeve.

"I thought I saw someone from the past. That ... that ..."

I couldn't spit it out as the words left a nasty taste in my mouth. Kept moving my tongue around my teeth to keep myself from tasting my sorrow.

"Who was it?"

Facing my brother, I sighed and closed my eyes.

"That bartender ... the one who should still be imprisoned."

I muttered those words without a pause, even though I didn't want to repeat that thought.

"Are you sure? The judge won't allow that, Mae. That guy got ten years without parole. It's still too early if they let that prisoner out."

I thought about what he said and figured that Joshua might be right, but what if the guy escaped along with the two scoundrels? I've seen how prisoners easily escape on TV all the time. And then they'll be after me again and who knows what else will happen.

Was I being paranoid? Definitely, that I found myself biting my nails, a bad habit I developed as a kid. Tried to hide it from my brother by hiding the evidence, but I assume it wasn't any use since he saw my jagged nails.

"I know that look Mae. Turn that frown upside down and stop biting your nails! You can't fool me. Don't be scared. I'm here to protect you. And I'm sure our other friends will too, if you just give us a chance. And if it's just one person you are afraid of in that room, it can't be that bad."

Joshua hugged me. I know how he's trying to comfort me because that's what big brothers do. But what about what I want? Don't little sisters have any say?

I repeated back what he said to me as it made me cringe. I put my hands up in disgust and grunted.

"Did I hear you right, bro? How can you say that it can't be that bad? You don't know the other half of the story! How would you feel if you were me?"

I shouldn't have said that as he was going through some pain himself, but the words simply escaped my mouth.

He looked at me in disapproval and closed his eyes as if he was thinking about what to say next. After a few moments, his eyes opened and glared  at me as if I were his trainee instead of his sister. After face palming himself, his eyes widened. His body language was not good from the start anyway, so I wasn't surprised.

"I know you must still be traumatized after all that has happened in the past Mae. But we have to take baby steps to tackle our demons. Now I just called Gunther to save your seat. Please go back there before they give that empty spot to someone else. Now do we have a deal or not?"

I have to admit he drove a hard bargain.

"Fine. But if I get screwed Josh, this one's on you. I swear something weird has to be going on."

He must have had a heavy heart, as Joshua sighed.

"Marlene, that's just all in your head. Now, we both have problems we are dealing with and nothing's going to happen if we just sit here and fiddle with our fingers."

I looked up at him and pouted. If this was about his own PTSD, then I don't want to hear it. I crossed my arms and grunted.

"How would you know? I've been through a lot, Kuya." I only call him that when I feel like it - it's the Filipino word for older brother.

"Okay Mae, you hardly call me that, nor speak in our mother tongue, so what's really bothering you?"

I didn't know what else to say. Maybe my whole day started out as a disaster and I felt like Eeyore, the purple donkey in the Winnie Pooh series, who said " I was so upset, I forgot to be happy." It was just one of those days that a girl goes through. But I had a feeling deep down inside, it was because I was thinking about 'him' - the guy who somehow remained in my heart.

" Okay, I confess bro. It's Owen. I read about him and his aunt in the papers this morning at the coffee shop downtown. A barista who attended to me just set the morning paper before me as if she were waiting for my reaction."

I put my head down on my lap and cried. I don't know what else to do, for I have never been this boy crazy over one foolish jester. It's like Cupid  struck an arrow through me when I fell in love, but couldn't remove it once I got heartbroken and it got stuck. And to make things worse, once Joshua held my chin upwards, he muttered the words I refused to hear.

"He's still on your mind, isn't he sis? But don't you remember what Owen did? He nearly tore this family apart!"

My brother put his hands in the air and started walking back and forth. I was afraid this would happen if I mentioned Owen's name. He was the main reason we were kidnapped by our captives a few years ago. And then I left the poor guy alone after we were saved, but he has always remained on my mind. Wonder if he thinks about me too.

"I will never forgive him, Mae."

Did I hear that correctly? Joshua has no right to tell me that. He may be my brother who I dearly love, but there were times when he went too far.
I calmed myself down, before I gave my response, for the anger in me built up again. After silently counting to three, I faced Josh, eye to eye like a raging bull.

"Thank you for your thoughts Kuya, but it's my life and you can't tell me how to live it. I know what Owen did! Why do you think I re-read that chapter in my diary again?  You have no right Josh to come barging in my room to tell me that. Look, I'll go back to see Mr. Dawson and his friends again!"

Once that rant was done, I got off my bed and opened the door.

I sensed Joshua knew what I was going to ask him to do, so without  haste, he blurted out, "I'm so sorry Mae for my outburst, but that's how I feel about Owen. Listen, if you want me to come with you to the meeting, I can. I'll just ask my boss for a day off."

I shrugged my shoulders in despair as I had enough.

"There's no need Josh. I'm a big girl now, bro. I know what to do. Please let me do things my way," and directed him out of my room.

Joshua knew he already crossed the line with me and left. I felt guilty for causing another sibling argument between us, but I needed privacy to think about my next move.

***************

Thursday, January 8, 2015

"Welcome back Marlene! We're glad you can join us again."

Hearing those deafening words from Mr. Dawson gave me an earache.

Before I arrived at the next AA session, I drank a shot of gin in the parking lot. It was secretly stashed in my car's glove compartment and I drank it to calm my nerves as I wanted to apologize for running out on Mr. Dawson and the rest of the AA members last time.

I arrived thirty minutes early before the session started, because I didn't want to go through the whole parallel parking ordeal again. Therefore, I had plenty of time to find an empty spot for Ophelia. Last time, I felt I accidentally hit a car behind me when I backed up since I found an unidentified dent on the side of my vehicle. It wasn't a major incident that freaked me out, but it was enough to make me facepalm myself. I don't want my vehicle to have any scratches of any kind. But I must admit I'm not perfect all the time.

Now, I assume I drank a bit too much than expected, that loud noises were something I wanted to drown out now.

***************

I faced a smiling crowd who again welcomed me with open arms. With my feisty attitude, I tried to smile, yet it felt more like a smirk.

Seeing an empty seat next to me, I wondered what happened to Catherine. Even though I found her to be a nuisance, she was someone I found to have a sunny personality that was very engaging. Considering my own persona, I don't think I'm the best person to hang around with. So, Catherine had some spunk to befriend me.

I looked at the seven other people before me and managed to blurt out the words I practiced saying before my car's  mirror.

"Thank you all for your greetings. Sorry for leaving early last week."

Gunther cut me off. I suppose he also saw me eying the empty chair, so he explained to me that his sister was out sick.

"No explanations needed Marlene. Everybody has a hard time dealing with their pain. And if you are wondering about where Catherine is; she had to stay home because she doesn't feel good. She's what I'd like to say, 'under the weather'." He air quoted the last part with his hands.

Whatever happened to Cathy, made me sympathetic towards her pain. Yet, I nodded towards Gunther and kept my mouth shut. I have other things to worry about.

"Before you left Marlene, you didn't get to meet the rest of our "AA family". So would everyone on my left side of the table please introduce themselves?"

Everyone around me nodded in unison. Thus, I didn't have any choice, but to hear what each one had to say. I attempted to sigh, but tried to hold it back, for I didn't want to give them the impression that I was bored.

The first one to speak up was Gunther's wife Bernice. She was a recovering  alcoholic who met her husband in a wedding she attended. She was one of the bridesmaids and apparently had a fallout with the bridezilla. Bernice apparently arrived drunk and kept falling asleep. As a groomsman, Gunther came to the rescue, and gave her some coffee before the ceremony began. And from there, the duo hit it off as dating partners to lovers.

I grinned. It sounded romantic, but for an intro, I was expecting to hear more about Bernice the alcoholic, not how she met her husband. But if that's what she wanted to share, so be it.

The next two were the twins ... Dexter and Preston. Dexter was fired from his job at a power plant because he couldn't control his temper after he had several arguments with his co-workers. His brother tried to help him while Dexter looked for another job, but to make matters worse, his wife and child left him. Thus, Dexter tried to end his life. Feeling sorry for his only sibling, Preston came to Gunther's aid for support. It's exactly like what Joshua did for me. Although Dexter's story was worse than mine, it's not worth ending one's life over a dramatic loss.

Next to them were sisters Darlene and Claudette who wanted to make a difference in their lives for their families' sake. They were moms that  didn't get the help they needed right away because of the stigma and shame of their alcoholic addiction. Sort of sounds like my own habit. I didn't want anyone to know about my problems.

The man sitting three seats away from me was named Archer. He admitted that he started drinking in high school as he fell into the wrong crowd and all they wanted to do was to be the life of the party. He said that what started out as fun ended up being a living hell. His constant drinking continued through college and then into the law office he worked in. Thus,  Archer's boss gave him an ultimatum; to get help or leave. He had a family to take care of and couldn't afford to lose his job, so like the others, Archer saw Gunther's pamphlet and the rest is history.

I was beginning to see a pattern here where somehow my brother and I fit in. No matter what struggles people make, there must be someone that will be willing to help us out.

Finally, the mystery man I waited for to talk spoke up. I crossed my fingers hoping this wasn't the person I suspected him to be.

"My name is Ari. I think I'm the reason why Marlene left last week. Am I right?"

Ari eyed me as I was only two seats away from where he was. It gave me the chills, but I remained stone cold in my seat.

How did he know? Was it obvious why I left?

"Don't worry Marlene, I'm not like my cousin Chino. I don't like him either after he wrecked our family apart."

I faced him in disbelief. Did he say Chino was his cousin? That was a relief. Now I can see the resemblance. But how does he know me?

My thoughts were again interrupted by the nosy AA director.

"Sorry to cut in, but do you know each other?" Asked Gunther.

Ari nodded.

"I'm afraid so. She might not remember me, but I saw her when my cousin and his two other accomplices had a court hearing."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I don't recall this, Ari. But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. My mouth stayed open in awe because I couldn't say anything.

"Well, I feel we surprised Marlene with your presence Ari. I hope you and Ms. Brennan will get along soon for we cannot afford to have any disagreements here," warned Gunther.

I didn't like Mr. Dawson's gaze at me, but I'm not going to get in his way. So I spoke up.

"I'm sorry Ari for what I did last time."

I figured that I would talk to him after the session.

Surprises, surprises. I was worried for nothing.