Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. (Les Brown)

Hakuna Mojito - It means no memories for the rest of your night.

Who am I kidding, but only myself. Alcohol won't solve your problems. But when I was younger, it took over my life.

Earlier this morning, a stroke of fear came upon my shoulders as a ghastly presence entered my thoughts. What bothered me felt like goosebumps, ones that came over to pay a visit for a specific reason. Ones that would keep me from becoming sane again.

As my mind wandered; I couldn't get the last words out of my head. "Marlene, it' s over."

But I couldn't let it go, no matter how I tried.

Yes, I was in a depressed state of mind. Haven't seen a shrink in years, for I thought I could cope without them, but now I know I'm wrong. And that's why I'm here to sign up for the 12-step program, Mr. Dawson. I need to stop drinking and manage my craving.

Accidents just don't happen out of the blue, right? But fate has a funny way of showing it to me.

***************

Just came back to my hometown after living in California for a while as I had to clear my mind. I ventured out to the West Coast, but after two years of living with friends I only met through work, I grew homesick. Thus, I decided to fly back to Texas to live with my brother.

It was nice to see Joshua again, although I knew he was feeling down as well, but he never cared to share his past with me.

My brother was a former soldier that fought for our country, and I respected his privacy. Although, I had a hunch that it had to do with the trauma he faced during the war.

In order to help him out with the house payments, I found a secretarial job downtown. It didn't pay much, but at least I could get by without feeling guilty for staying at home for free.

***************

I was only fourteen when Joshua left for North Eastern Point Military Academy. My brother had big dreams to carry on our father's legacy.

However, I didn't want him to go and fly to New York, because Texas was so far away. But my brother assured me he'd be back on holidays to visit us.

As I was still young at that time, I wondered what it was like to fly to another state. Would it be better than staying in this town of Corpus Christi? And would I be treated differently if I were in my brother's shoes?

But no matter how I complained, my brother's mind was made up. We accompanied him to the airport that day and his flight would be taking off soon.

We couldn't go with him past the checkpoint area, because that was designated for those who had a boarding pass. So we said our quick goodbyes and hugged him. My mom was the one who was the most worried, because her only son would be leaving for military school and soon for combat.

And I ... I felt desperate back then. Even though I had friends who accompanied me in high school, I felt indifferent when it came to talking with my sister. Since we were the only two girls in the Brennan family besides my mom, I always felt like second best.

It's like a comparison between the two funniest characters in a silly cartoon -- where the wise- cracking rabbit was considered to be number one to the loony and crazy duck, who always ended up in second place.

Moira was my beautiful sister and couldn't top that. I respect her even though I felt like I'm riding in her shadows, just like the hand-me-down clothes my mother saves.

***************

As we drove home that day, I kept looking up in the sky for an airplane that could possibly be carrying my brother. I never flew before and despite my acrophobia, I'm willing to actually set foot and explore the world too... someday!

And that eventually happened later in life to my dismay. But I learned that if you never try it out, you'll never know what the "what if's" in life could have been.

***************

I didn't want my brother to know I started drinking again. But he must've seen the wine bottles hiding under my bed. He left me a post-it-note on my table yesterday. Joshua wanted me to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to seek help to recover from my addiction.

It's not that I didn't want to go, for I do need help, but am too lazy to attend. But to defy my temperamental brother was out of the question. Joshua happens to be like our late father, who doesn't want to hear excuses. Whatever he wants you to do, it must be done, pronto. No if's, and's or but's.

And without my knowledge, Joshua scheduled a meeting for me to attend, which left me blindsided. I complained that I did not agree to it, but he started to raise his hoarse voice. And that's what got me scared and eventually followed his orders.

My brother was all that I have now since my sister and parents passed away. I get worried that Joshua will soon leave me too, so I try not to aggravate him.

***************

Thursday, January 1st, 2015

Afternoon

I was driving on the thruway to attend the damn meeting, when I signaled to change lanes toward the exit of Montero Street, yet a little voice inside my head said ... "turn right." Automatically, I was persuaded to move the steering wheel to the right and briefly looked over my shoulder to see if there was ample space for my vehicle to move.

I continued merging over to the next lane as I turned on my lights, when a beeping sound behind me was heard. I looked at my rear view mirror to see where it came from. A truck driver blared his horn loudly as if I was at fault for distracting him.

Same to you Mister! Like I give a hoot about your troubles! There was a lot of room for my car to cross over to your lane. You have no right to be all confrontational about it!

He definitely wanted my attention and there was no doubt about it that I wanted to respond, but I stopped myself from striking back.

I digress any sign of road rage, so I didn't bother to beep my horn. If I retaliated back, it would spell trouble as my friends and family had learned. So, I didn't want to add more fuel to the fire.

Besides, the sound of my car's tooter was of a small bell such as a children's bicycle horn instead of a strong one that could warn a person of a passerby.

I figured this malfunction might have happened due to the old wirings my vehicle has. Thus, I think the steering wheel needs to be repaired. But that will have to wait.

***************

Probably the angry driver didn't see my blinking lights for he looked like he was preoccupied with his phone or some other contraption.

That was another reminder how multi-tasking could be as deadly as it looks, especially if it was done while driving. One might think he or she could be more productive when multitasking because doing two or more things at once isn't risky enough.

Well, it isn't right. My best friend's brother was struck by a distracted driver. Fatalities happen just like that and once you're hit, it's too late to say I'm sorry.

And that's why I fear reckless drivers when driving on the highway.

Why don't people ever learn?

Yet that didn't explain my urge to bypass the eighteen wheeler. I just came from work and wanted to go directly to that meeting. I can't defy my brother, no matter how I wanted to go home instead.

I tried to focus to get to my final destination, but the headache I had earlier lingered. A concerned co-worker of mine gave me Aspirin pills, but it only eased the pain for an hour.

And then I heard it.

BANG!

I glanced at my side mirror and saw that a crash occurred in the previous lane I was just in. A domino effect must have caused three vehicles to hit each other.

Ooh, I'm thankful that was not me. Although, I feel sorry for those drivers who got into that traffic jam.

But, I'm glad that I changed paths earlier or else I would've become part of that fatality.

Maybe it was an angel from above that saved my car from being involved, but then again, I'm not one who believes in miracles.

***************

During my morning visit to the downtown café, I was handed the daily newspaper by this blonde-haired barista.

And there was my former crush on the front page, a picture with his aunt and cousin. Apparently, Owen's aunt helped catch a crook in a bank robbery and lived to tell about it.

That story should've concerned me for that must have been scary if I were the one who bumped into a bank robber.

Instead, it left me flabbergasted, as the guy I used to love made it to the front page, as he ran after the masked robbers who had ammunition with them.

The fact that Owens's name popped up again in the tabloids caused butterflies  to run around in my stomach and to reminisce about what we once had.

And I wondered why the barista even gave the morning edition to me in the first place. I didn't ask for it. She waved it in front of my face after placing my cup of coffee on the table, as if she wanted me to read it for a specific reason. So, I grabbed the paper with little interest as she smirked at me.

I quote that her last words to me were "I hope you enjoy hon."

I haven't had anyone call me 'Honey' in a long time. That waitress might be overly friendly, calling everyone petty nicknames, but I didn't think that would bother me until now.

And who was she? Or did she even know who I was?

Gigi was written on the lady's name tag, but I don't know anyone by that name. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Nervous as a turtle hiding within its shell. As I've been alone for some time after the tragedy, I forgot the names of most of the people in my hometown.

**************

Thus, the memories of the college party my friends and I had a decade ago came back to haunt me, and wham, bam, alakazam, it hit me!

Perhaps the barista knew who I was from that day. My sister and I were once in the headlines ourselves, since Moira came home from her deployment. She was also the honorary guest speaker of my college ceremony. So, practically the whole town recognized the Brennan sisters.

I gazed up from where I was seated to find the waitress, so I could talk to her, but Gigi was no longer by the counter.

I don't know if I'm correct, but these events were like pieces of a puzzle that needed to be put together.

The newspaper article, the waitress and the furious truck driver who almost bumped into my car. What was going on? Was there another piece that was still missing?

Owen ... my one and only!

No, Marlene, you have to forget about him. No man should come between two sisters.

My conscience was probably correct. But no matter how I tried, I couldn't release him from my mind. He was a nuisance that ruined me. Yet, I still wanted to see him again.

***************

I twitched my neck forward and focused on the road.

Ignoring the imaginary voices in my head, I continued to drive.

However, the car continued to have a mind of its own.

It didn't want to move forward, and instead I found myself parked by the divider lane. It was as if a form of 'magic' took over my hands, because I swore that I did not do that.

Hmph! Just my luck to be stuck here with no recollection of parking in this area!

And that truck driver I previously saw, passed by me as he placed his hands outside his window to raise his finger at me.

Like I needed that!

How could this happen?

I either did these movements myself unconsciously, or 'someone' actually toyed with my vehicle!

I couldn't think straight anymore as the thought seemed absurd, but scenarios such as these mischievous acts aren't unheard of. There are bad people lurking around these days.

I tried to calm down.

As I opened the door, I looked around my vehicle. It was a second hand car, as it used to belong to my brother.

At the time, my brother was about to enter the Marines and was about to trade the vehicle to a used car salesman once he purchased a new motorcycle, but I begged him not to do it.

After convincing him to hand over the keys and driver's registration to me, I danced for joy!

I've always dreamed of owning his 2000 Jaguar Prestige and once I got my driving license, I knew I'd take that 'baby' for a spin.

'Ophelia'. Yes, I named my car 'Ophelia' after the character in Shakespeare's play, Hamlet.

The reason was due to the fact that I loved that character's role despite her untimely death, besides the fact that was the first name that came to my mind.

Shakespearean plays have been one of my favorite things to watch since then. Crazy as it may sound, the ole' dialect of English in which the Bard of Avon spoke, isn't as crazy as it sounds. And I like to dissect what the author meant in his stories.

Giving a car an identity has been a practical idea in my mind even though some people might think it might be foolish. My brother was one of them since his eyes twitched in disbelief that I was even serious about it back then.

So, even though 'Ophelia' was a hand-me-down Jaguar that has been through a lot, 'she' still works wonders! Just as Ophelia's love for Hamlet once was.

***************

I couldn't find anything wrong with the exterior side of the car, so I bent down to check the tires.

There weren't any punctures or nails that I could see either, so I walked in front to open the hood.

Now, if my brother were here, he would know what to do. I don't really like fidgeting with all the gadgets down there due to the oily stains, but I am willing to do the impossible and check if everything happens to be in place.

I'm the girl who isn't afraid to break a fingernail. I could care less of my appearance right now. I'll be that ugly dame for all I care.

My best friend Paige was the one who'd fit that 'pretty girl' criteria. She'd even be worried if a pimple broke out on her face!

And no one should meddle with her in those freakish incidents! Once I did that, I "got fried", as in stuck with hearing all her complaints!

Just wonder how her husband handles it.

Poor Noah!

Paige and I were complete opposites, but for her to remain by my side all throughout these years has been quite remarkable!

We have been friends since grade school, so we practically know each other like a book! Thus, everything that I learned has changed me and if it weren't for Paige and her caring husband, I probably wouldn't have made it this far.

***************

I closed the hood of the car after checking it out. Since nothing was loose or out of place, I went back inside.

I started the engine again, since everything looked fine to me; so perhaps I was just too nervous being alone again. Thus, I decided to head towards my destination.

Joshua told me this Alcohol Anonymous meeting would be in the Wilmington building at five pm.  I figured if I would be able to share my story with others, where it all began, this pain would be erased. I also heard there were some free refreshments there, so I could also get a bite to eat to ease my hunger.