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Undisclosed Secrets
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Author :: ViniShah2

Reviewer :: gukkeun

First Impression :: 13/20

» Cover :: 7/10
It's nothing special; pretty simple. But its simplicity is what makes it stand out. For a simple plot like yours, it's very much suitable. Not to mention the aesthetic is pleasing to the eye. But do make some adjustments. The subtitles aren't visible at all. Either enlarge the words or shift it to a darker area. The white would contrast well and the wordings may be seen easier. The fonts could be altered as well.

» Title :: 5/5
What more can I say? It describes the story perfectly. There's nothing more to be said.

» Blurb :: 1/5
I do have to say how distasteful it is. Nothing about the blurb is intriguing, or in the very least, had something to look forward to. The narrative synopsis suits the theme really well, but do make it more interesting. Be specific. How could the "prize of trusting people blindly" impact her life? You could add fillers even by inserting Ana's background and career. A good idea would be ending it off with a cliffhanger; an unsuspecting twist to the blurb itself. Wouldn't that be more exciting? Imagine being swelled with curiosity just from the blurb!

Beginning of a new start :: 5/10

The beginning was a bit of a cliché. Almost every book begins with the MC struggling to get out of bed. It would be nice to see some creativity to greet readers at the start. But, your writing style definitely makes up for it. It wasn't anything special, decent on my part, but definitely better than most books I've seen. The grammar as well. It wasn't perfect, but the proofreading was fairly well done. You gave me a strong first impression in terms of style for the entrance.

Usually, character introductions made in the middle of the story would piss me off. However, I just loved how smoothly you inserted them in. They don't interrupt the story. In fact, they helped in skipping a few parts of the redundancy, which I dare say was genius. Nevertheless, I don't prefer the way you listed out bits of their personality. That's something we would rather find out on our own while being absorbed in the story.

The storyline I managed to grasp onto for the first few chapters seemed to be the secret James was hiding. That literally was it. It went on for four chapters straight. The rest of the content was the introduction of the MC's persona, Ana. But keep note that her character was introduced in a boring manner. I lost interest four chapters in. The only information I seemed to be getting was red flags from Austin and an overprotective big brother. There was no movement in the plot. Fasten the pace, add some sort of a mysterious aura to it. A code that needed cracking that would last until the climax of the story. For now, I dare say the invitation to read further isn't whipping up an interest.

Concept and plot :: 17/25

A lot of fillers at the beginning of the story. A huge amount of them. Some scenes were unnecessary; redundant, should I add. The pace was too slow, nothing had me quivering in excitement of what's to come next. The intimate scenes between the protagonists were cute, but that's just it. They were of course, very much realistic. But there's no point if the story didn't have a twist that made up for the fillers and bland unneeded scenes.

However, the deeper I go into the storyline, the more interesting it became. The execution needed some fixing, especially the pace it was set at. The redundancy of fillers affected my view on it a lot. Learn to differentiate a necessity and just plain redundancy. Unless it plays a part in the storyline, just avoid it altogether. Other than that, I have to say, it's a fresh breath of air. The growing bond between Ana and Austin was a sight to see. And the ending was very much interesting.

Characters and emotions :: 8/15

I have to admit, I became confused from time to time becuse of the names. John, James, and Jake's names were so identical–in my eyes–to the point I had to travel back to the first few chapters and identify them. Usually names shouldn't effect the story, but in my case it did. It may just be me, but to be on the safer side, have names that contradicts each other. Perhaps keep away from those that start with the letter "J". Believe me, it wasn't a fun ride with all the travelling back amd forth.

In terms of characteristics, I really couldn't tell the difference between John and Jake. They were too similar. Austin at least had this cold and rude front for a moment. Everyone else had such a passive aura, they could've dissipate into thin air and it wouldn't affect the plot. And unfortunately, none of them were really that interesting. Not even the protagonists. I couldn't relate to them or bond a deep connection with the characters. You need to go in depth when it comes to their persona. Don't expect a simple character introduction slipped in between the paragraphs would make any difference if you don't apply it.

The emotions need a bit of tuning. A better way to give their feelings more exposure is by sticking to third person POV and describe how it affects their being. Literary devices are a thing. Put them to good use. They help you better construct sentences in a more poetic manner. Poetic equals to heartfelt. Heartfelt equals to understanding the characters on a deeper level. When emotions were described such short words, there's no way we could place ourselves in their shoes.

One more thing, Ana stutters every five minutes or so. Might want to look in on that.

Tone and style :: 6.5/10

Your writing is fairly decent. The events and scenes were conveyed smoothly and very much understandable. It was easy to get a grip of what's going on, and none of the sentences had me puzzled with the storyline. It was a fresh breath of air.

One thing I've noticed were the uneven paragraphs; they were a mess. Especially when every subject needed to be said was cramped up into one single dialogue. At other times, the characters were communicating without a break. Even more confusion occured when dialogue tags and action tags weren't used to identify who was speaking. Dialogue tags, action tags, and action beats play a huge part in communication. Extra note, have a balance between the action tags and dialogue tags instead of focusing on one than the other.

Moving on to the unnecessary capitalising. In short, WRITING LIKE THIS to convey anger or screaming. This is an example:

"RIGHT NOW, I said." He motioned to the car.

On the fourth chapter, one whole paragraph was capitalized. It's informal and a devastation to the eyes. The exclamation mark was created for a reason. Rephrase some wordings and you could make the characters appear more threatening and intimidating without using the childish way to conclude it.

"Didn't you hear me? I said, right now!" he instructed, motioning towards the car.

Another issue would be the unnecessary POV changes. Recall the scene where Ana tripped in front of Austin. The scene was repeated. The only thing that changed was the eye of the person. This is something I've noticed over time, you convey thoughts through first person very frequently. Some POVs were as short as one paragraph. Another issue would be the additional information added in the form of brackets "()" during first person. This could easily be fixed if it was written in third person the whole way. You'd literally just flash through it with no problems.

Now, take a look at the paragraph below.

Anna dashed to the office pantry, which was right next to the cabin. She made Austin's coffee and held it in one hand while holding her diary and pen in the other. She entered his office with caution, knocked, and placed his coffee on his table.

Is it needed? Is a lengthy paragraph necessary for such information? It isn't. It ruins the momentum, especially if you know absolutely nothing would change if you take it out. Skip it. It's fine. Not everything has to be told to the audience. Just move on with a time skip. [Ana scurried back into the office with the coffee in her hands just a few minutes later, a sheepish grin painting her face.]

Another matter would be the inconsistent writing style. Instead of sticking to narrative/descriptive, there was the usage of scripted styled dialogues meant for plays when phone calls were made. Incredibly informal. These are used for plays, not fanfictions. Also avoid time skips written like "After going through the drawers-".

Grammar :: 15/20

There were plenty of overlooked mistakes, so I'll point out the repeats and leave you to check for the minorities. This one might just be Wattpad's error, but the hyphen was used instead of an em dash. Please note that a hyphen joins two words to indicate that they have a combined meaning. An em dash emphasizes the conclusion of your sentence. Wattpad converts em dashes to hyphens most of the time, but extra knowledge on your part.

There tend to be a missing comma before title/endearment. Had me confused on whether you grasped the concept because sometimes the commas were used correctly, and on other times, there weren't any. I would've overlooked this error if it wasn't for the consistency throughout the book.

Another thing would be rephrasing certain sentences with the usage of other words. Because some of them should be put differently and could be considered a grammatical error from the incorrect vocabulary usage.

Extra note :: Like I said, it's a fresh breath of air. There are things that could be improvised, but I'm certain you're willing to dedicate some time to improve this book. If executed nicely, I dare say you have a masterpiece.

Total :: 63.5/100