╭⋟───────────────╮
The Jewel to his Blu
╰───────────────⋞╯

Author :: JeonJudisu

Reviewer :: btsluvvesper

First Impression :: 6.5/20

We all know that the first impression is what attracts a person towards you and your work. But dear, your first impression was not the best impression at all. Why? I will be explaining them now.

» Cover :: 1.5/10
The cover is the center of attraction. And your cover was nowhere near 'attractive'. Now, you might say that I shouldn't judge the book by its cover. But as a reader, I am bound to do so as it is the first thing a person would see before reading the story.

You used a very plain picture for the cover and also the fonts were not the best ones as well. It felt like you just threw in some fonts, just because you had to. Not because you want it to be attractive. I would recommend you to ask any person who is an expert in this field to make you the cover for.

Other than attractiveness, the cover should also convey the meaning or message about the plot behind it. There should be a bond between the plot and the cover. Let it be direct or indirect, it should. But again, we are coming back to zero for this part as well. There was absolutely no connection between the cover and the plot, neither directly nor indirectly. Again, I would suggest you to ask anyone who is good at designing or order a cover from any graphics shop from Wattpad.

You can easily explain your theme or a bit of plot in order to show the connection between the plot and cover layout. And that's it! You are all good with the cover.

» Title :: 3.5/5
The title is another important element of the first impression. It suggests and/or reflects what the story would be about. It should be welcoming yet relevant to the plot.

Your title was unique and inviting. I liked how you tried to reflect "Jewel and Blu" with Taehyung's "blue love parrot" from the "Winter Bear" song. I must say that it was indeed a very unique thought.

However, the title didn't reflect the story at all. By reading the title, I thought the story would show Taehyung and Dawn's bond-like Jewel and Blu's one. Or, something that would show or reflect Taehyung's song's particular lyrics that you tried to portray before. But it wasn't that at all.

I see that you are still writing your story, so I would recommend that you try to connect your title and storyline to portray the accurate message through the title about the story. I am sure then you would ace it.

» Blurb :: 1.5/5
A blurb is like the finishing touch of the first impression and beginning of the story chapters. It should be short and intriguing that would directly ask the readers to come and check the book out. It should give off a hint of the theme of the story.

Unfortunately, you also failed to do it well. Your blurb was too short or I can say was of just one single sentence, that also a song's lyrics that did not reflect on the storyline at all. If I was reading your book as a reader instead of a reviewer, I would never give a second thought about it seeing its blurb.

You need to be creative yet connective with the story. Based on the blurb, one usually reads a book. It should give a hint of character/s and theme as well. Now, imagine having a book with little to zero creativity, originality and relation with the story for the blurb. How unprofessional it sounds.

I would say that change your blurb into something creative and try to give your originality and relation with the story. Yes, you can keep the song line as well, if it gives your blurb a better look, but at least try to show the connection between everything.

Beginning of a new start :: 5/10

The beginning of any story should be hooking, that would keep the readers hooked. According to your theme and concept of the story, the beginning wasn't too bad or good. It was so-so. It was basically showing a few parts of Taehyung's life, which was also very fast-paced.

The beginning should be interesting yet slowly and steadily entering the main plot. Though it was showing Taehyung's life events, it seemed quite fast for me. So keeping that in mind, try to make the beginning more interesting.

Concept and plot :: 17/25

The concept wasn't new, we often see neighbors falling in love or falling for a widow on this platform. So, the concept wasn't that intriguing or new. But the plotline was good so far. They seemed quite realistic, I could easily relate to that in real life. But again, your pace and happenings in the story were quite fast. For example, let's talk about the first few chapters.

First, it showed that Taehyung and his brother are going home after a long time and how they talked about their lives, reached home and helped their family in harvesting. Then in a split second, you showed that Taehyung and Jimin were back to school. And then, suddenly Taehyung and his family are being chased by people for his brother being an actor.

You get what I am trying to say, right? You are going on a fast track. Don't do that. It will make the readers clueless at some point. Yes, you are showing the reasons, what happened and why. But still, I feel that you can improve by keeping a slow and steady pace between certain events.

Characters and emotions :: 8/15

I must say that you were justified in building Taehyung's character. You explained him quite nicely. However, I felt like Dawn's character could be better. In the story, her character wasn't shown much till now. Most of the time, it's mainly focused on Taehyung. So, I would advise giving Dawn a little more spotlight as well.

Now, the main way we can connect ourselves with the characters is through emotions. If emotions are explained nicely, it would be great work. Sadly, you lacked in this part. Your characters' emotions weren't felt at all. For example, if we take a look at Dawn's emotions when her husband died, she was supposed to feel devastated. And being pregnant, her emotions should be at peak level. But, as a reader, I couldn't feel that at all. Now, if you say that she was shown strong, then also in a traumatic situation her emotions should at least take a toll hearing her husband's death. However, it wasn't expressed like that at all.

Also, I would recommend using third person point of view, in order to show the emotions of the characters. In that way, you would get a wide range to express their feelings. Also, it will aim directly at readers' emotions as well.

Tone and style :: 5.5/10

I would be lying if I said your writing style was bad. It was good. I liked it. It had most of the things well described. You may not have used many new words and/or terms. Yet, you showed everything nicely. Your vocabulary wasn't too rich or too poor. It blended well. However, your writing seemed too bland. There was no thrill. It felt like a boring movie playing. No spice was there.

Honestly speaking, I usually don't prefer writing in rhe first or second person pov. That's because I feel it is quite hard to express feelings and describe the scenes and all. But you did a good job in that.

The tone of the story didn't feel like it went off track anywhere, which is a plus point, as many authors struggle in those places. Compared to that you did a nice job. However, again the same thing comes here as well, it was too bland. No spark at all. If it's too plain it won't look good. Try to give spices to your tone and writing style.

Also, I would say don't directly start any characters' point of view without mentioning it. It was quite tough in places when I could not get who was talking. I had to re-read a few chapters to get a hold of it properly. So, a little "Taehyung/Dawn's POV" writing won't take much time, right? Next time, keep that in mind.

Grammar :: 16.5/20

Your grammar was quite good compared to many books I have read so far. You were keen on tenses, dialogue tag punctuations, spelling mistakes, typos and other stuff. But you used wrong punctuations with action tags.

✎… What is an action tag?

↳ Action Tag is another way of identifying the speaker.

Example :

["You are indeed an angel." Riya smiled at him.]

Here, "smiled" is an action tag. Now, according to the action tag rule:

↳ If a dialogue is followed by an action tag, then it should end with a period (.) or the needed punctuation such as question mark (?) or exclamation sign (!). Otherwise, ending with a comma (,) is wrong.

Let's take a look at what you wrote :

["Hung out with the guys after shooting but I didn't get hung over," I shrugged.]

This is wrong. Also, you gave an unnecessary break between "hung" and "over", and made it two separate words but in reality, it's a single word. The correct one is :

["Hung out with the guys after shooting but I didn't get a hungover (.)" I shrugged.]

Look at the underlined parts. As "shrugged" is an action tag, you must use period (.) instead of a comma (,). You made this mistake almost everywhere. So, fix it up soon, dear.

Next is your wrong use of dash to indicate abruption in a statement/dialogue. You used hyphen (-), instead of em-dash (—).

✎… What is a hyphen?

↳ Hyphen (-) is a punctuation mark, used for joining words or parts of words together.

Example :

[Cross-dressing, well-known]

✎… What is an em-dash?

↳ Em-dash (—) is used to separate extra information or mark a break in a sentence.

Example :

[I was thinking of going — never mind I will just stay at home.]

What you did is you used hyphens (-) to indicate a break instead of em-dashes (—). Below is an example of your work.

["What a pity- the dasik finished already," the director remarked before addressing us.]

Again it is wrong to do so. Here not only you used the wrong punctuation but also missed the verb "is".The right one is :

["What a pity — the dasik is finished already," the director remarked before addressing us.]

For this part also, you made mistakes everywhere by using hyphens instead of em-dashes.

Other than these things, you did a great job with grammar. So, now that you know the punctuation rules, apply it properly. I believe you will be a great author in the future.

Extra Note :: I won't say much now, as I already have explained where you ace and lack. All I want to say is, you are already doing good. I can see potential in you, so just follow the guide and you would do great. All the best for your future work. And also do visit here whenever you need our guidance. Thank you.

Total :: 58.5/100