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Jolie
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Author :: LolitasYouth

Reviewer :: Jiminandhisjams9

First Impression :: 10/20

» Cover :: 3/10

Three really is just and only for the effort. It frankly looks bad and childish, specifically those drawings of fruits and aeroplanes, yet there is a very serious-looking Jungkook. I see, however, the “thing” you were trying to go for, and if you would have done it right, it would’ve been a very good cover. 

Maybe try a better placement for the fruits, the hands and the aeroplane. Also, try to find pictures that would better suit the cover’s overall vibe. Whatever you do, please change it! 

» Title :: 3/5

The title applies to the story, well, of course as that’s our female lead’s name. And I must admit, that “Jolie” for some reason, sounds efficacious. I don’t even know myself what that means, but it just “hit” me when I heard it. However, I’d say that naming a story by the any of characters’ names is quite unoriginal - this should explain why I gave you slightly more than half of the score for this one.

» Blurb :: 4/5

It was intriguing and sharp. It left an impact, it made an effect on me despite the small grammatical errors. “But yet” is grammatically incorrect, so please either say “but” or “yet”. Overall, I was intrigued by the blurb, even though it gave me cliché vibes, I was still wondering what made this “Jolie-girl” so special. I liked the way it was written because as I said, you managed to have “that” effect. I’ll say that some of your sentence-phrasing wasn’t really good though. 

Beginning of a new start :: 7/10

In the first three chapters and the prologue, we got introduced to the main characters. If we talk about the storyline, not that much happened but the pace seems appropriate. I honestly, wasn’t exactly pulled in but these chapters allowed me to get a sense of how the settings and characters are.

Concept and plot :: 20/25

So far, sincerely not much has happened, but as I read more chapters, I felt more interested in the story. For now, it doesn’t seem like anything overly original but I still like these types of plots, I can also see it becoming better with every chapter. There isn’t much to say about what you already have, but for what comes later, I am sure it will be very exciting.

For the moment, know that I am loving what you are going for!

Characters and emotions :: 12.5/15

The interaction between the characters was one of the best aspects of this story. The way that Jolie and Jungkook interacted was hilarious, tense, absorbing and entertaining - all that at the same time! I also think that the relationships between literally everyone were well-executed!

Throughout the story, we can see Jolie and Jungkook getting closer and we can also start to get familiar with their personalities. You are doing good in portraying Jolie’s presence, her unique and captivating personality, I am sure you will develop even more of that later on. There weren’t that many strong emotions to describe yet, but I still think that if there were, you’d do it exceedingly. 

Tone and style :: 7/10

I thought that the way Jolie was introduced to us, was quite powerful. You could’ve made a better dialogue, or more specifically, a better-paced dialogue. But overall, it was good. I also liked your detailed and engaging descriptive language, however, you need to work on word choice in some points. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve found just a few times when the word choice wasn’t good, and here is an example:

“a slight breeze lifted his hair…” - saying “lifted” doesn’t quite sound good. Something like “a slight breeze blew through his soft hair,” would sound better. Not that you have to exactly write it like that, it was just an example it’s up to you if and how you might change that sentence.

Another thing I wanted to point out, is how obnoxiously long your paragraphs are. Most readers, including myself feel annoyed reading such long paragraphs. Once again, regarding your paragraphs, please do not put two different characters’ speeches in the same paragraph as it is confusing and contributes to the paragraph’s length.

I found it really cool that up until now, the story has been in 3rd person but still more focused on Jungkook. Just make sure you keep your tense consistent throughout your writing. You often mix past-tense and present-tense vocabulary up. You also, sometimes, narrated some sentence fully in present tense and switch back to past tense in the next one. Please, take note of this, it’s crucial.

Grammar :: 16.5/20

Firstly, I wanted to go over something that was slightly more disappointing than what else about this story. Please do pay attention to typos. You have way too many of them, which makes your texts sound offhand. An example of these typos is putting unnecessary and grammatically incorrect spaces between punctuation such as between quotation marks: “ The thing I know is…” 

Another one (which I am actually not sure if it’s a typo, but what makes me think that it is, is the fact that your English is good enough to know this) I wanted to talk about is - Jets - vs - Jets’ - vs - Jet’s. Most of the times in your writing when something belongs to something or someone, you do not put an apostrophe - and it’s crucial; crucial to show possession over that thing!

Please watch out for run-ons and extremely long, unreadable sentences. You need to work on your punctuation, I won’t be able to tell you about it because I not sure if you write in British or American. But just get some more information on commas and punctuation with dialogues. 

“Less harsher” and “Even when she was angry her voice never got louder,” - please understand when you need to make use of competitive forms for words and when you don’t. “Harsher” and “louder” both mean more severe, being more harsh and being more loud. In both cases, placing words in that form is unnecessary and considered an error.

“19 year olds” - please make sure this is hyphenated. When you use “#-year-old/s” as an adjective, it needs to be hyphenated. The main reason why I pointed this out, is because you had many words in your story that would be easier to read and would sound better if they were hyphenated. 

Overall, your grammar isn’t bad but you need a lot of work. You need to phrase your sentences properly which I know is a hard thing to do, but writing was never easy. If you do some research (about punctuation and etc, basically grammar), and maybe add new vocabulary to your story, you can be a very powerful writer! I believe you can do much better than this, and please, please make your paragraphs of adequate lengths!

Total :: 73/100