"Go fuck yourself. I'm mean, not nice." - MGMT, When You Die

~~~

The funeral was as grim as any.

Black was a staple color in my clothes so, today's colors fit into my normal color of attire. The difference was found in my style of clothes.

I hated wearing suits so, my facial expression matched my discomfort.

"Show respect for your grandfather," my aunt scolded before striking me on the cheek. "I know he wasn't the best person, but without him, you would've been in the system."

All of that just because this suit didn't fit me well. I was about to explain to her that this suit was cheap and irritated the hell out of my skin, but she wandered away too soon for me to say it.

It was still the wake so, people were looking at my grandpa's dead body. I looked at him briefly before I felt an expectation to show some emotion. Family members crowded around me, expecting me to cry or have a heart-to-heart I guess.

So, I kissed him on the cheek.

I regretted it. His skin was ice. Somehow, I liked it more than when he was physically warm. At least now the smell of smoke wasn't overwhelming.

Soon, everyone sat down and listened to the minister. The minister was a woman by the name of Jennifer Matthews. I was surprised that it was a woman.

Given my grandpa's somewhat sexist comments, I found it ironic.

As I began my walk up to the pulpit to talk about my grandfather, the stinging sensation that my aunt left behind returned to my right cheek. I was fighting back tears, but it wasn't because of the bullshit spewing out of my mouth.

I cleared my throat and moved a brown strand of hair out of my eye. The plan was to read what I wrote verbatim. If I spoke from the heart, I'd get more than a slap from my aunt.

"Hi, guys. As you all know, William was my grandfather. My mom is his kid and she couldn't make it due to unforeseen circumstances," I said. I looked up from my paper to see people's faces go to the tint of the body in the casket. "Oh wait, I forgot. I'm not supposed to talk about her."

I heard people in the audience murmur about bringing me off the podium so, I decided to speed it up a little. I crumbled up the lined paper and put it to the side.

"Okay, so, William was my grandpa. He raised me basically. I appreciate it, but he did the bare minimum. Yes, I had food and a roof over my head, but I didn't really do a lot with him. It was like I was a burden. I hope he doesn't burden the Devil or God or whatever dude controls the afterlife if there even is one," I quickly spoke into the mic before scurrying back to my seat in the front row.

"Um, thank you for those very honest words, Adrian," my aunt lied at the pulpit. Her eyes gazed at me. She wasn't saying anything to me of course, but I could tell it was taking everything in her not to walk down and grab me by the neck.

I wasn't brave enough to even turn to the left or right once I sat in my seat. I didn't want to see my grandma's expression. The tension was everpresent.

I felt my pale face become flushed. I didn't know if it was because of my embarrassment or because I was starting to feel empathetic.

Jesus, I needed to get a hold of myself.

My grandma had a box of tissues sitting on her lap. I reached over and grabbed one.

"Oh, don't get all teary-eyed now," she said, moving the box away from me. Her face matched mine in color, we were both a mess.

~~~

My grandma and I went home at about 10 PM that night. Being around my extended family for a long period of time exhausted me. Everyone was just so dysfunctional, but also superficial.

Every time there was a funeral, there was a sudden need for unity within the shattered people I called my family. There were so many feuds going on within the family just a week before my grandfather's death.

Most of the issues dealt with money, or the lack thereof. Some dealt with no communication and bitterness.

After the funeral, we all gathered at my aunt's house to just have a nice time. However, everyone was so caught up on the missing person in attendance; my great-uncle biologically. However, I called him my uncle anyway.

Apparently, my grandpa had a tumultuous relationship with his brother. Their beef went way back.

My aunt, yes, the one that slapped me, said that it was about time that Uncle Jack is welcomed back into the family. She stressed that we all needed to put our pasts aside so that we could all have a future together.

The only problem was, it was pure, unfiltered bullshit.

The only time the family came together was when the Grim Reaper knocked on the door. After the body was six feet under or ground up and put in a container, peace lasted for 2 months max.

Then, someone's drug habit would mess something up and old wounds would be opened.

Either way, I couldn't wait until I saw the sunset.

Maybe then, I wouldn't be seen as the issue or "the slut's son." I never understood why people called my mom a slut when in reality, she never opened her legs. My dad was the one who slept around and also killed her, but she was somehow the slut.

My grandma sat down at the table and demanded that I bring her purse to her. Since she'd obviously been through a lot, I did so without thinking.

I knew I was about to have my ass handed to me verbally.

Her hand disappeared into her purse and she grabbed a carton of Winstons. Cheap.

"You shouldn't be smoking that, ma," I mumbled, but audibly.

She grabbed a lighter. "And you shouldn't have made me look like a fool."

"I'm sorry, I just hate funerals," I half-lied. I didn't really like funerals, but I wasn't sorry for anything I said.

"Sure, but you didn't hate your grandfather," she reminded, lighting the cigarette.

The house already was stained with cigarette smoke from my grandpa. My grandma had quit years prior, but I guess she started back up.

"I don't hate anyone," I informed truthfully.

"You obviously hate yourself," she commented as she blew the smoke right in my face.

My eyes stung. I quickly blinked and tears left my eyes due to irritation.

"Jesus, don't do that. It's already bad enough that you're killing yourself. You don't have to drag me down with you."

"Why do you think I'm smoking right now?"

"Because you're trying to start up an old habit."

"No, I don't want to lose the scent of your grandfather," she said before getting up and walking up the aging wood steps.

"Also, don't go to your grandpa's burial tomorrow."

I couldn't go to my own grandpa's burial. Bullshit.

Was I really that much of a bother to my family?