I sat on the couch in front of a warm, rolling fire. I had built the fire in the fireplace all by myself and was rather proud of it if I do say so. The time was 8:25 and I could hear the door of the suite come open. I turned around knowing it was Roger returning from the studio rehearsal. He had a strange look on his face as he closed to door behind him.

 "Hey. I’ve had four cocktails but I’m not hammered. How was rehearsal?” I asked him as he came inside, putting his wallet and his watch on the roud table just inside the door in the entryway.

 “It was good.” He answered. “Got a lot done today.” He came into the room and walked over to one of his bags that I had sitting on the bar counter in the small kitchen. I hadn’t yet done anything with that particular bag.

 “I made dinner reservations at 9:15...found a Japanese hibachi place I thought you would like. Sounds good, yeah?"  I said as I flipped through a magazine in front of me. I could hear Roger unzipping the bag behind me. "You may want to check the bed if you’re lookin’ for…"

 "Why did you hesitate to sign that paper?" Roger interrupted me. The question caught me entirely of guard and it came out of nowhere. He was referring to the marriage license of course. The tone of his voice said it all.  I stopped flipping through the magazine before me. I felt a bit paralyzed. "Answer me." I could feel icy blue eyes on my back, burning into my head. I fiddled with my ring and turned around to face Roger.

 "I...you know...needed to be sure I was signin' my new name in the right place. I'd never signed anythin' as Taylor before...I had to think about it." I answered him before turning around to face my magazine again. Roger laughed uneasily.

 "That's bullshit. That's complete bullshit, Lydia. You've never lied to me so why you doin' it now? Why...did you...hesitate...to sign that fuckin' paper? Huh? Seven years? It's been seven fuckin' years, Lyd. And what? You and I can't figure it out after seven years? So, what the hell is it that made you..."

 "A case of herpes, and of case a' syphillis...THAT....Roger...THAT...is why I hesitated to sign that fucking paper! I been thinkin’ about it all fuckin’ day and obviously you have too!” I had turned around and practically shouted the word at him. There was silence now. I laughed a bit condescendingly.

 "Oh....now what? You don't gotta' fuckin' thing to say about that?" I could feel myself getting hot from the inside out as I watched Roger uncomfortably lean up against the barstool in front of the kitchen counter, his tongue in cheek and his knuckles against his lips. He blinked repeatedly. "You don't think that MIGHT be a fuckin' reason to hesitate!? You think I don't fuckin' know how the hell I ended up with somethin' itchy and unsettlin'!? Jesus Roger!" There was silence again. He took a deep breath.

 "I…I wanted to talk to you about this earlier. I...I didn't know they had somethin'. There were...you know...there were like five or...somethin'...I...I don't know which of them had...I...you know what I...I told you 'bout this, Lydia. We talked about this. I told you what I did." Roger mumbled into his hand, chewing on his knuckle.

 "Oh. Oh, I see. You told me about it...And I should be okay with that. Just two diseases that's no big...that's bullshit, THATS bullshit, THATS BULLSHIT, ROGER! You told me AFTER I WENT TO THE DOCTOR! I've never said anythin' before! That is your professional life and this your personal life...those are very different things!" More silence again as Roger chewed nervously on his thumb and eyed me. I was half standing with one knee on the couch.

 "We...talked...about this...we agreed that what happens on tour, stays on tour and you have been supportive and..." I stopped Roger.

 "It didn't fuckin' stay on tour, Roger! You brought it the fuck home...TO ME!!! To me...to me..." My voice trailed off becoming softer and softer. I had to stop and take a deep breath before I tore Roger's head off. 

 I'll admit, I was beyond hurt when Roger returned from touring in December and after an intense night of hard fucking, I ended up with not one but two diseases that I detected a week and a half later. We had been cleaned up pretty quickly but Roger had barely touched me since it happened.

 "It is a long and lonely life when we're on the road for as long as we are, Lydia! Do you even realize that!? My god! I miss you every damn day we are gone! All I want is for you to come with me because I NEED you!" Roger looked at me with pleading and frustrated eyes. "My god, Lydia! I fuckin' NEED you so much! To keep me grounded! To keep me from goin' completely out of my mind! I don't have a barometer of what's too much without you! I don't know where the excess should stop!" Roger's expression turned fearful. He swallowed hard "But I don't have you on tour! Why!? Because it's too fuckin' long. It's physically and emotionally draining and I know you'd be safer and more comfortable wakin' up in our own bed, takin' care of our house and our bills and not dealin' with a different hotel room night after night!" He blinked several times again. "Well you know what Lydia!? I fucked that up too! I won't argue you...YES. I gave you a fuckin' disease and I don't know who the fuck I got it from!

 "I swear to god, Roger...if you're going to plow everything in a skirt you better make one of those little bitches who bend over for you FIND YOU SOME SLUT WHO IS CLEAN! YOUR GOD DAMN ASSISTANT CANT EVEN FIND YOU SOME CLEAN WHORE!? IT'S THE LEAST THEY CAN DO! YOU HAVE TWO FUCKING ASSISTANTS FOR GOD'S SAKE!"  It was the first time in seven years I had ever yelled at Roger. He closed his eyes for a moment and stared to the floor. I didn't say anything either, I just watched him and allowed my insides to stew. I could feel those blue eyes on me again.

 "How can you be so sure you got both those things from me?" Roger asked. The question caught me entirely off guard…again.

 "What?" I asked.

 "You heard me. I was on the road for a long time and I know what kinda' appetite you have, Lydia. You know who I been doin'...who you been doin'? Who you been fuckin' Lydia? Who have you had in our bed? Whose to say I didn't get it from you?" Roger crossed his arms before him but immediately his expression changed to slight horror. I was completely shocked. Completely. Shocked.

 "Oh my god...are you accusin' me of..." I trembled from being exasperated. "...you're accusin' me of...fuckin' someone else!?!?"

 "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I don't know why I said.." I stopped him.

 "I can't believe you, Roger!! You would sit there and accuse me of sleepin' with someone else!? THE SWABS CAME BACK POSITIVE FROM YOU! YOU IDIOT!"

 "I know, I know they did...I'm sorry...I didn't mean that...I know you haven't been with..."

 "JESUS CHRIST! I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT DEDICATED TO YOU! MY GOD ROGER, YOU ACT LIKE AN ENTITLED INFANT SOMETIMES!" I paused and took a deep breath because I was livid and I thought for certain I was about to cry.

 "I know you haven't been with anyone else and I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, Lydia...I'm sorry." I gritted teeth because I was beyond furious.

 "Before I met you, I had just as many notches in my bedpost as you do. But you know what, when I met you I stopped sleepin' with everythin' else.   You changed me, Roger...you changed me and I changed you! It's about fuckin' time that you give me all the things I deserve for bein' such a good girl! I have NEVER asked you for nothin'! All I'm askin' for is for your dick to BE CLEAN! Don't you EVER accuse me of FUCKIN' SOMEONE ELSE! You're right...I do have an appetite…AN APPETITE FOR YOU!" I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. It took every fiber of my being to not cry. I couldn't believe my fuckin' husband of less than twelve hours would accuse me of sleepin' with another man. I wanted to slap him as hard as I could...but I didn't. I was bigger than that. We were both silent for what felt like hours. Finally, Roger took a deep breath. I couldn’t fight the tears anymore. I started weepin’ like none other. Why the man I loved so dearly, whom I had been with so long insisted on breakin’ my heart by bringin’ something home from tour that I sure as hell didn’t want was beyond me.

 "Oh shit…babe…baby don’t cry. I hate seein’ you cry like that. And….it’s my fuckin’ fault” Roger came over to the couch where I was. He attempted to put his arms around me but I smacked him away. “I deserved that…” he admitted as I only cried harder.  After my initial wave of tears, wiped my eyes dry and looked at him.

 “Roger…your sense of entitlement sickened me…literally. I have hardly seen you in nearly two months.” I stared at the couch.

“Lydia, I love you. I love you and you are so very perfect in every way and that’s terrifyin'. I wanted you...I wanted you and not some slut that I was done with in ten minutes. I married you 'cause you're the one. I wanted you to be my fuckin' wife. I’ve…I’ve been really distant from you lately ‘cause I can’t get over the guilt.” Roger bit down hard on his knuckle. I could tell he had a lot more to say and he lookd ghastly fearful. "Shit...Lydia...please don't leave me. I know you've thought about it since I came back...god, I'm fuckin' beggin' you not to think about it again. I love you.  I'm nothin' without you. I wanted you…’cause there’s no one like you." There was silence between us again. I looked to the floor.  "I don't know why I hurt the only damn thing that means anything to me..."

 Roger and I were very quiet again. I could hear him sniff as he looked away from me. He sighed and sniffed again as I stared him down. I could hear him swallow and sniff again. Complete silence now. Roger rubbed his hand over his face. I don’t know why it came to a head now. I have no idea why we didn’t get in to this the moment I came down with somethin’. I think I was in such a state of shock and pissed as hell that I was actually being treated for a disease that I didn’t have time to jump down Roger’s throat. I sniffed and looked up to him, sighing. I stood up from the couch and headed for the bedroom. I closed the door and locked it behind me. I walked over to the closet and pulled out my suitcase, unzipping it and laying it on our bed. Tears rolled from my eyes as I stared at it’s emptiness.