Ariel

Kayla leans across my desk as she inspects the photos of me and Ryder. They start from my eighth birthday when I was given a Polaroid. I still have it and occasionally take photos of us which Ryder reluctantly agrees to. I really need to get one of me, Faithful and Ryder. I'll get one of Kayla when I'm certain she's not going to freak out on me again and run.

"I didn't realise you and Ryder grew up together."

"Yeah, we've got a lot of history."

History as in Ryder's mum supplied my dad with drugs in between her prison stints until he overdosed. We've known each other a long time. Long enough that I know he's falling for Taylor.

Ryder's not in love but he's not aiming for his usual fun and fuck. He's always been clear with previous girls that he doesn't do commitment. I understand why. Ryder has ambitions to get away from this place, and he doesn't want to repeat history and do what both our parents did which was get trapped in unhealthy relationships due to young love and teenage pregnancy.

My mum had me when she was nineteen and Ryder's mum had his oldest brother when she was seventeen. We're aware drugs are the real problems in their lives but having me meant my mum never left my dad due to some fucked up idea of keeping our dysfunctional family together, and it meant Ryder's parents stayed together while his mum had affairs until his dad left her and also left all his kids.

Ryder has definitely been moulded by his messed-up upbringing and his parent's messed up relationship. I have too. It's mad that we do it; let all the shit around us affect us in a negative way. Not that it's only affected Ryder in a negative way. He does a lot of good too.

"Who's that?" Kayla points at a photo of me, Ryder and his older sister, Riley. She's only two and a bit years older than Ryder but you'd think she was his mum the way she'd look after him when they were younger. In many ways, she was occasionally my fill-in mum, in times when my real mum was too busy, either unsuccessfully trying to stop my dad from being high or locking herself in her room.

"Ryders sister, she's working towards becoming a psychologist."

"Really?" Kayla says, looking slightly surprised

"She's really clever. Managed to get a scholarship into a university north of here. I can never remember the name." I look at the photo of Riley.

I always admired Riley. She's kind, clever and worked really hard to get to where she is. While her older brothers always got into trouble and started to follow the route of their mum, she kept her head down and moved out as quickly as possible. She asked Ryder to go with her but he said no. I still, to this day, don't know why he didn't.

Kayla turns around and faces me. She looks shy, and I wonder if this is how she'll always be, embarrassed about wanting me.

I lean forward and brush my lips against hers. She tilts her head and opens her mouth allowing my tongue to collide with hers and she moans quietly. I love it when she moans. Silent kissers always freak me out. I need some encouragement to know they're enjoying what I'm doing.

One of the twins squeals outside my door causing Kayla to jump away. I exhale slowly, "Are you embarrassed of us?"

"No. I just think our relationship is between us and no one else." Kayla smiles.

I don't believe her. I know she's struggling with accepting her sexuality and therefore us. It was the reason I suggested we hang out at my house after school rather than somewhere public.

"So if I was a guy, you'd act the same?" I arch an eyebrow.

"I don't want you to be a guy." She kisses me gently.

"Good, because I really don't want to have a sex change for you. By the way, how did gremlin boy react to you cancelling your date?"

Kayla laughs. "He was really upset, especially after hearing about my amazing kisses."

"I'm not surprised." I grin, pulling her closer to me.

A knock on the door makes Kayla jolt back as my mum opens it with her eyes closed. "Is it safe to look?"

Kayla cringes and I roll my eyes. "Yes, mum."

My mum opens her eyes and smiles widely. She's been really happy since the twins have returned. I'm really glad but also slightly jealous. I wish I could make her feel that good.

"Do you two want to make cookies with us?" My mum says. "Tilly And Tobias are asking if you'll join us but if you're too busy, don't worry."

I look at Kayla waiting for her to decide. She smiles and shrugs. "I love cookies."

"Great." I take Kayla's hand and lead her into the kitchen.

The twins are standing on chairs with a spoon and a bowl in front of them. My mum smiles widely as her gaze lands on our interlocked hands.

Kayla slips her hand out of mine, crosses her arms across her chest and steps forward. "What do you want us to do?"

"You can be in charge of chocolate chip. Ariel, you can be in charge of white chocolate. Tilly is doing caramel and Tobias is chocolate and raspberry. I'm doing oatmeal and raisin." My mum gestures at an array of ingredients and cookbooks scattered across the table.

"That's a lot of cookies," Kayla chuckles.

My mum laughs. "You can never have too many cookies. We all need more sweetness in our life."

My mum starts measuring out the ingredients and tossing them into the twin's bowls. They giggle and mix, but three-year-olds don't know how to make cookies which mean lumps of butter, sugar and flour start flying across the kitchen.

"Do you go to school with Ariel? It's nice she's brought you home. Apart from Ryder, she never brings anyone here." My mum smiles mixing the ingredients in her bowl.

That's because I never know what I'm going to come home to. Happy mum? Chaotic mum? Sad mum? And even though people invite me to sit with them at lunch and invite me to parties and I always have people to talk to; none of them are close. People seem to prefer me in small doses. They don't understand why I can't sit still or I get distracted or I continuously change topics. I don't understand either. But my head is always buzzing with information and when I'm curious I get fixated until I find the answer. At the same time, I want to know everything and I want to know it immediately. My mum always says I've been a bundle of excitable energy. Which is a kind way of saying I'm annoying and overwhelming.

Even the twins are calmer than me but their dad is so boring I'm not surprised. I really don't know how my mum and him got together. Even his voice is monotone; he's so different to my dad I wonder whether she thought she'd try something completely different.

I guess it's good to not always go for the same type. Kayla, for example, isn't like any of the other girls I fancied. Then again, I'm not sure any of them are the same.

Just like none of my art projects are the same. Most people in our class stick to one type of medium whereas I use everything. I always have loads of ideas, apart from our most recent and final project which is titled 'Inside Our Mind'.

How the fuck am I meant to show what goes on inside my mind? It's a chaotic mess.

"Ariel?"

I look up at my mum and Kayla, not sure which one said my name.

"I was telling Kayla about the time we went to the funfair with your dad." My mum smiles. "He was so determined to win you that big cuddly bear he spent over two hours trying to knock off those coconuts. Do you remember? It was such a fun day."

"Yeah," I say stiffly.

I also remember the big cuddly bear got ruined when he pissed all over it because he got confused and thought my bedroom was the bathroom when he was high. It stunk, and no matter how many times we washed it, we couldn't rid of the smell. In the end, we had to chuck it out.

"Ariel's dad was devoted to her. I often thought he loved her more than me but its how a parent should be, they should always put their child first."

Is she being serious? If my dad put me first, he wouldn't have kept disappearing to go on drug binges with his crusty friends. He wouldn't have overdosed on heroin so I was left fatherless with a fucking unstable mum who self-medicates with illegally bought prescription pills.

"It's so sad he's gone. He was such a big part of our life, no one can ever take his place." My mum smiles widely; the smile is wonky and fucked like her perception of our dysfunctional family.

My mood drops as my mum continues to happily chat away. Kayla smiles and laughs in response while the twins flick flour and sugar-coated lumps of butter everywhere and stuff them into their mouths. My mum doesn't get frustrated or stressed, she doesn't tell them they'll make themselves sick. She continues to laugh and talk about how amazing my dad was.

Staring at the chaotic scene in front of me, reality hits. My mum broke her promise; she's currently riding high on the pill-induced 'life's so great' rollercoaster. I should be angry and upset; I'm not which depresses me more. I've already given up on my mum.