Taylor

Jay taps the wheel with his fingers as he pulls into a Starbucks drive-thru. I can't tell if he's angry, bored or irritated. He hasn't looked at me since I got into the car and he sped us away. As he orders two coffees, I look out the window, not bothering to tell him I don't drink it; he may not be buying the coffee for me.

The sky is bright blue and the early morning sun is blinding. My hangover hates clear sunny days. Families climb out of their parked cars and enter a diner on the other side of the road. Why are so many people up at this time on a Sunday? If they are all going to church that's real devotion. What would they think of my behaviour last night? Probably, that I'll burn in hell for eternity.

Right now, hell is more appealing than replaying last night's events which are slowly returning in disjointed flashbacks. I dance-humped several people, I gave a mini lapdance to one of the basketball players and I kissed several people on the lips. At my old school, people knew that was how drunk me acted and it didn't mean anything or that I wanted to go further. I was known as the overly affectionate drunk who would kiss everyone, dance with everyone and cuddle everyone. Here, people don't know that version of Taylor. They probably think I'm up for anything and maybe, I am when I'm drunk. My sister definitely is.

I close my eyes to block out the evil glaring sun. My head continues to throb as more images of last night appear: me straddling Ryder, him laughing, me telling him how I was so glad to have my own cliche bad boy. Ryder refused to kiss me, no matter how much I tried, because he 'didn't want to be a regret' which meant instead of feeling rejected, I felt safe.

What would have happened if Jay hadn't arrived and interrupted us? My insides twist with confusion. I'm in the car with Jay, the guy I've wanted to be with for months, yet thinking about Ryder and I'm not even sure if I officially broke up with Miles. I'm making a mess of everything.

"Eat." Jay places a bag in my lap. The smell of food fills my noise which both makes my stomach curl and rumble.

"What did you order for yourself?" I ask, opening the bag and peering inside.

"It's all for you. Eat what you like." Jay sips the coffee and indicates to one in the other cup holder near me. "That's yours."

"Thanks." I hate coffee but maybe it will help wake me up a little so I can function enough to figure out what is going on with me. I sip the bitter liquid and scrunch my face up. Adding three sugars makes it bearable.

I pick out a blueberry muffin and take small bites, waiting to see if they're going to come back up. Once nothing reappears, I devour it in seconds.

Jay parks in the carpark, looks out the window and exhales roughly. "You didn't tell me you and Miles had split up."

"He was a complete dick last night." I sip the coffee, hoping it will clear the confusing fog of thoughts in my head. It doesn't.

"You moved on fast considering it's not official." Jay sounds annoyed. I want to ask why; is it because he's jealous or because he just wanted to know?

"Are you upset with me?" I ask.

Jay doesn't look at me. "No."

I don't believe him.

"What's happening with that guy? Did you fuck him?"

I wince. Jay knows I'm a virgin. He knows I've been waiting because it never felt like the right time with Miles. Part of me thinks, I knew from the start me and Miles weren't meant to be together. I always knew it was never going to be long term.

"Sorry, that was a dick thing to say." Jay apologises.

"It was," I say flatly.

Jay huffs. "You can choose what you do and who you do it with. I'm just jealous. Ignore me."

"You're the one who doesn't want there to be an us."

"I do, but you know it's impossible. Do you know how hard it is, having to fight my attraction to you? I love you, baby. I don't know when it happened but I do. However, we'd never be accepted." Jay stares at me intently.

I stare at him, not sure how to react or what to think anymore. I've waited months for him to say those words yet they don't make me feel the excitement or rush I had anticipated.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask quietly.

"Don't worry about it." He shakes his head and looks back out the window. "I was going to ask you for a favour because I trust you so much. I don't think it's a good idea anymore."

"You don't trust me?" I ask as a tug of sadness pulls at my chest.

"I think I do. No, I do." Jay takes my hand and interlocks our fingers. "The only reason I thought of asking you is because I trust you so much. You're the only person in my life who I trust fully. I have no one else, baby."

I nod and look at our interlocked fingers. Jay has been there for me when I was at my lowest. I moved here and had no one; my parents were focussed on Mya and ensuring all her needs were met, Mya was wrapped up in her own world of self-induced pity and I was alone. Three weeks after moving here, I met Jay on my way home from school. Jay had approached me after someone had held him at knifepoint and taken his phone and wallet. I let him use my phone to call the police and leant him money for the bus ride to the station. The next day he was waiting in the same spot to return the money I'd leant him and he asked if he could buy me a coffee. We got on really well, swapped numbers and within weeks we were messaging every day and meeting up regularly.

"I need you to look after some bags for me," Jay says.

"Bags?"

"It's a few bags of pills."

I shuffle uncomfortably. "I'm not sure-"

"I promise it's not for long. Winston has been stealing them so I need you to look after them; until I get a safe installed at my place."

I frown. "Why is he stealing them?"

"It's a new expensive drug to treat depression; it is really hard to source. Winston obviously wants to sell them and make some money, but he'll just sell them to anyone and not give it to those who need it. He won't worry about the buyers like I do. If anyone is getting addicted you know I stop selling to them, I want to help people not hurt them. I know your sister has suffered, imagine her having access to a pill which would return her to how she used to be."

I nod. I do miss the old relationship I had with my sister. We weren't super close however we still had fun when we spent time together. I used to confide in her. Even when she grew up and started going out with friends, she'd still make time for us to watch a movie or have a chat about whoever I liked. She would always give me an honest opinion on whether an outfit looked good, she taught me how to put on makeup and she gave me my first lecture on not giving up my virginity to just anyone. Which is slightly comical when I think about it. I guess only the virginity bit is sacred, not any of the sex you have after. That you can give to whoever and as many people as you like.

"Baby, will you do it for me?" Jay asks.

I nod.

"Thank you, you're amazing. I'll drop them off tonight." Jay kisses my hand. "I was going to suggest we do something today, just the two of us, but you look like you need to sleep off your hangover." Jay smiles at me gently. "Did you have a good night at least?"

"I'll let you know once I'm completely sober and have spoken to my friends."

Jay chuckles. "Don't have regrets, you only live once."

"Exactly, which is why I don't want to go through school known as the school whore."

Jay frowns and all humour disappears from his face. "Is that boy I saw earlier the 'friend' you stayed at?"

The tone of his voice makes me shake my head and lie, "No, we just bumped into each other and he recognised me from school."

"You looked pretty cosy."

"He was just trying his luck but I'm not interested."

"Good, he's trouble. I know his older brother. He was sent to jail for drugs but everyone knows how he raped several girls and managed to get away with it." Jay grimaces. "It makes me sick. I can only imagine Ryder is the same. The whole family are bad news and I want you to be safe."

He takes my chin with his free hand. "Tay, will you tell me if he tries anything or says anything to you."

"Of course." I give Jay a tight smile. I don't tell him I think Ryder might know I deliver the pills at school. I don't know why; my instincts are telling me not too.