Irish Pronunciation Guide

Caireann sounds like "Care + in", or "Karen" as is used in English.

Aibhlinn sounds like "Ave + Leen".

Back to Present Day...

Tadhg

We're smiling and holding hands as we come through the front door of the I-S Club. I reach over to brush a hair out of Caoilainn's eyes. It's late so the place is pretty much empty. It's a good thing, too because anyone who takes a good look at Caoilainn will be able to tell what we've been up to these last few hours that I've been home on leave. I grin at the memory and lean in to kiss her on the head, taking in the smell of her hair as I do.

"I love you, a rúnsearc," I say to her.

"I love you, too, Tadhg," she answers me, laughing at my nickname for her, though I guess she's not really my little secret any longer. When I came home everyone seemed to know about us already. I'm glad we can be together publicly. It feels right.

I can hear someone banging around in the back. They must be cleaning the dinner pots. Whoever they are, they're loud. I wonder if it's Duncan. It'll be nice to see him tonight; my leave is pretty brief so I'll be happy to talk with him one last time before I'm shipped overseas.

When I spoke to Duncan on the phone earlier, he mentioned some work on the books he needed to do this week, but he didn't say anything about working in the kitchen.

I look around the room and notice Ruari nursing a drink in the back while tallying up bar receipts with the calculator on his phone. A dirty plate sits to the side of him, leftover chicken wings with an empty tub of blue cheese and some sliced celery sticks scattered across it.

"Tadhg, hold on," Caoilainn says looking up at me, tightening her hand as she stops. "Remember? I want to grab my notebook off of the stereo in the other room. I need to go over my choreography later tonight when I get home."

"Ok," I reply. "I'll be right here." She runs to grab her book and I walk into the bar and over to Ruari's dropping the salt water taffies we picked up for him on the table in front of him.

"Mind if I join you, Ruar?" I ask him, sitting down before he has a chance to reply.

"Yeah, sure," he responds looking up. "Thanks for these. I didn't hear you come in," he says, opening the box to dig out a chocolate taffy. "Want one?"

"Nah, I'm good," I answer. "Caoilainn's with me. She's in the other room getting something. How's it going?"

"Been quiet in here tonight, Tadhg. Pop's in the back cleaning up some dishes. Some of the help called out at the last minute so he filled in back there this evening. You know how that goes. He's tired."

I look over towards the double doors of the kitchen. "That sucks. I bet he is tired. He told me he has some work to do with the books, too. Guess he has a lot of hours ahead of him tonight."

Ruari grunts in response.

"So, uh, listen," I start to say. "Thanks for looking after Caoilainn while I've been in training. I know it's a lot-"

Ruari sits forward and hangs his head, resting his face against his hands. "Jeez, I'm sorry, man."

"What?" I ask confused. I don't know what he means. "No, it's alright. Like I said, I know it's a lot but I appreciate knowing you have my back while I'm away."

"Tadhg, you're my brother. Now that everyone knows....well," he starts to say, "Look, I've always considered Caoilainn my sister, and with the loss of your daughter, I-"

When I pull Ruari up out of the booth by his shirtfront he shuts up faster than as if I'd punched him cold. "What the fuck are you talking about, Ruari?"

I am out of the booth and around the table pacing the aisle faster than he can retreat behind anything useful.

"Shit! Shit. She didn't tell you," he starts to say, surprised. "Tadhg, I thought you knew---I would never have-"

"If you don't tell me what the fuck you're talking about, Ruari, I'm going to kick your fucking ass so fast-"

"Tadhg!" Caoilainn comes up running from behind me. "What are you doing? Get away from Ruari."

I spin on my heal and see Caoilainn's look of shock dissolve into fear as she fingers her notebook spirals in her hand. Caoilainn is glancing between Ruari and me when Duncan pokes his head out from behind the double doors. I turn around and stare bloody murder at him.

"What's going on?" Duncan questions, seeming surprised to see me at the club. His look grows cautious as he takes in the state of my temper.

"Tadhg? I thought you and Caoilainn were out for the night. Caoi, what are you guys doing here?" He asks looking back and forth between us.

"Dad, I didn't mean to tell him. I thought Caoilainn already did," Ruari says, throwing up his hands, backing up towards the kitchen doors as Duncan simultaneously moves in front of them and walks towards me.

Duncan removes a towel from his waist and starts to dry his hands nervously on it. When he's finished, he worries the end of the towel, not for any purpose accept to busy his hands while figuring out how to deactivate the volatile berserker that I've just become.

I turn back towards Caoilainn and almost cry to her. "Daughter? Caoi, were you pregnant? What happened to her, Caoilainn?" The weight of my new reality sits on my chest like an immovable tank. "When were you going to tell me? A daughter? A little girl? We had a baby, Caoilainn?!"

Caoilainn races closer to wrap her arms around me while tears fall from her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Tadhg. I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you." She cries, her nose running. I take a step back and shove a napkin at her while she goes on.

"But, I couldn't do it over the phone. Not while you were away. I wanted to surprise you with the pregnancy when you graduated from basic training. I know it would've been a shock and we're so young, but I knew you'd love the baby, would have loved her," Caoilainn hic-ups between sobs. "But I lost her before I had the chance to tell you. There was so much blood and it was awful, Tadhg. I-" she sniffles before continuing.

"And then tonight, when you got here, I just needed a little time with you before I told you. I've been so sad and lonely. I've missed you so much. I just needed this night to be good. I was going to tell you tomorrow. I was. Please, you have to believe me."

"Caoi," I cry, tears falling soundlessly, "What happened?"

I'm at a loss. An ache I never felt before wells up inside of me and I almost crumple with Caoilainn onto the floor. I feel like my guts have been torn out. Before I can process my grief something else Ruari said bubbles up to my conscious. I turn to look at Ruari, standing taller as I do, Caoilainn rising with me.

"Wait," I say, looking back and forth between her and the guys.

"You said, brother, Ruari," I whisper, looking over at Duncan. "Duncan, what is he talking about?" I look back at Ruari. "What did you mean, Ruari?" Beyond the grief, I can feel the anger start to rise again.

"I-" Duncan begins. "When I was younger, when we were younger, your mother and I, we---when Ruari's mom and I were married...I had an affair with your mother, Tadhg. Nine months after, you were born. You and Ruari were both born within days of one another. Your mother never forgave me. Ruari's did. I'm so sorry, Tadhg. I wanted to tell you. You're mom thought it best-"

"So this is all her fault? Is that what you're telling me? You're blaming her, now?" I scream at the top of my lungs, throwing a discarded beer mug across the room, smashing the Guinness mirror behind Duncan. "You fucked my mother and left her and never looked back? Never let me know I had a father. I thought you were dead! I thought-"

When I look at Caoilainn I see her face and realize she knew. She knew! And she never told me!

"You knew?!" I yell at her. "You knew Duncan was my father, that Ruari was my brother, and you never told me?

How long?" I holler at her.

"Tadhg, I-"she starts to say, fresh tears mounting in her eyes.

"HOW LONG?" I scream at her as she cowers, backing up towards Ruari, who wraps his arms around her shoulders. "How long have you kept this from me? How could you, Caoilainn?"

When she turns to cry in Ruari's arms, my brother's arms, it all becomes too much. As Duncan reaches out to grab me, I turn around and say, "DON'T! Get away from me! Just, don't!"

I walk around the pub for a few seconds and then over to the front door. I turn around once and look at all three of them trembling in the bar and can't hide my disgust.

"Fuck!" I yell before opening the door and stalking out of it.

I hear the plaque that hangs above the inside of the club door fall to the ground as I slam it shut behind me.

Tadhg

Banging the front door open, I storm down the hall and into my bedroom, slamming its door almost off its hinges.

Home may not have been the best place for me to have gone. There are too many emotions churning inside me right now to be contained in this small space. I lash out at everything in my path as I move forward on my way to the bookcase behind my desk. Shoving a cup holder and piles of old papers aside and onto the floor, I reach up and grab a small wallet photo of Caoilainn and I off my shelf.

I stare at the picture, immobile, and try to understand where my head is at the moment.

"Fuck!" I yell to no one in particular, dropping the picture on my desk.

I pace inside my room, a bull trapped in a fragile porcelain shop. Grabbing the nearby rugby trophy from my bureau I throw it across the room in anger. Enjoying the destructiveness, I grab another one and chuck it at my nearby trashcan.

Cursing and tearing at everything in sight, I lose myself until my eye catches on the books sitting to the far right of my bookcase. Stomping towards them, I rip from the shelf the one Mrs. McKittrick gave me when I was still a child. She used it to teach me about my heritage, and the history and meanings behind the names in our culture.

I laugh miserably to myself; my heritage. It was sitting in front of me this whole time. This whom damn time! And I had no clue!

Furious, and feeling very much the fool, I open the book on my lap and flip towards the index. I'm looking for something specific. I need a name. I can't get through this without one for her. If that's all I can give her, dammit, then so be it, but she's going to have a name.

When I find what I'm looking for, I stand up and make ready to leave, glaring around the room at the mess I've made. My mom's going to freak when she seems this but I'm too angry to care.

As I turn to leave, I notice something shiny reflecting from the light in my room. I step forward and reach out to grab the small chest Mrs. McKittrick gave me before she passed.

She said it was something both Caoilainn and I would need one day. I'll be damned if today doesn't qualify, so I carefully unhinge the lock mechanism and creak open the cedar lid of the box. As I stare at the velvet-lined interior, and the items protected inside, I plop down on the bed in disbelief.

I close the lid again and look up, using my fingers to absently re-latch the hitch on the box. Starring at the wall in my room, not seeing anything but looking at it none-the-less, I come to a decision.

Standing up, I grab the small box and walk out the door, determined to get back to the I-S club. I have unfinished business to take care of before my departure in the morning.

Caoilainn

For some time, I sit at a table with Ruari and my step-dad, sipping a spritzer of wine and ginger ale. Drinking is not my thing, but when they offered me a shot of whiskey I declined and opted for the lesser of two evils instead.

When it's clear Duncan's had enough, Ruari calls them an Uber and they go home. After much convincing on my side, I get them to leave me at the club alone.

I know Tadhg will return. He always does.

I just have to wait.

Tadhg's had a huge upset tonight; two of them, really. He needs time to process it all. I've had a few weeks and it still rips my heart in two. He's only known a few hours.

As time creeps by, I take a shawl out of my dance closet and lay it over my shoulders. I find a comfy spot on the club's lounge couch and rest my head.

I cry myself to sleep, tissues falling from under me and onto the floor as I drift off. I can still hear the jukebox playing softly in the background. I guess I forgot to turn it off when I came into the lounge. Just as the music starts to lull me to sleep, I feel Tadhg's hand on my thigh.

I come awake with a start and sit up.

Tadhg looks like hell and I wince at his evident pain.

"Tadhg," I cry, taking him in my arms. "Are you alright?"

Tadhg moves back and tugs my hand. I stand up to meet his arms. He pulls me close and cries on my shoulder. I add my own tears to his shirt and let him hold me.

"What was her name?" I hear Tadhg ask softly.

"What?" I say surprised, taking a step back to look up at Tadhg.

"Her name. Did you name her? What was her name, Caoilainn?" he pleads with me.

I start to cry all over again. "No, Tadhg, I didn't. She wasn't formed right. I didn't name her. I never had a chance to hold her, to meet her.

Oh, Tadhg, it was so awful."

At my sobbing response, we both fall to the floor of the hall, holding on tight for all that we are.

"Caireann," I hear Tadhg cry.

"What?" I ask. "Caireann? Who's Caireann?"

Tadhg lifts his head to look at me. "Her name; our daughter. Her name is Caireann. Caireann Aibhlinn."

I shake my head in confusion.

"But," I stumble, sniffling and wiping my eyes as I look at him. "Who? There's no one in our families named-"

Before I can finish, Tadhg is shaking his head back at me.

"No.

No, her name is special. It's all her own.

Caireann means "little beloved" and Aibhlinn means "wished for" or "longed for". It's perfect for her. You are my beloved, Caoilainn, but she will forever be the little beloved I wished for but never had the chance to meet."

As he finishes his explanation, I hear Tadhg's voice crack in sorrow. I start to cry again as he sobs into his hands. Moving forward, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold on tight.

We sit together for what seems like forever, mourning the loss of our daughter. All too soon, Tadhg pulls back from me. Holding my face in the palms of his hands, he looks me in the eyes. His are still wet, but have taken on a serious look. "An bpósfaidh tú mé?"

Stunned, I stutter my response. "What? Tadhg, what-? You're asking me to marry you?"

He's nodding his head at me. "I did. Yes.

Marry me, Caoilainn. Say yes. Please say you will. Be mine forever. I---I can never lose you. Please, I-"

"Yes," I say, cutting him off. "Yes, Tadhg. I will. Forever. I will."

Tadhg grabs my hands and pulls us both to our feet. "Right now, Caoilainn. Before I go back."

"But how?" I ask him, astonished at the turn of events. "I don't have---we don't have-"

Tadhg looks around the club and I watch his eyes land behind the bar. Letting go of my hands, and straightening up his clothes as he goes, Tadhg runs around to the back of the bar, grabbing things.

"Here. I have everything we need. Let's go." Tadhg grabs my hand and before I can blink, he pulls me outside.

The air moves in a light breeze over us while the full moon shines above. When we reach the grass in the privacy of our club's rear courtyard, I stand still watching Tadhg as he organizes himself and the items he brought outside with us. I see that he has large hurricane glasses, some water, tea light candles, and some braided twine.

As I watch, Tadhg pours water into the three glasses, which he has placed in a small grouping on the grass. We are within the club's gathering circle that Duncan has set up with chairs and large, decorative landscaping stones.

Once all the glasses are partway full with water, Tadhg drops the tealight candles into them. The candles float on the surface of the water and he lights them using the lighter from the club.

"Come here, Caoi," he calls to me. I move forward inside the circle to hold his hands. I feel like I'm in a dream.

From his pocket, Tadhg pulls forth a pair of rings.

Recognizing them instantly, I gasp. I'm almost on the verge of tears again when Tadhg lifts my chin up to wipe away any that might escape.

"How did you get these, Tadhg?" I ask him.

"Your grandmother gave them to me," he explains softly. "They were in that chest she gave me. She knew, Caoilainn. She knew and so she gave these to me right before she passed. She asked me to hold onto them for us. She said we would want them one day. Is this ok? Is this alright with you?

I'm nodding my head before he can finish. "Yes, Tadhg. Yes." I say, wrapping my arms around his shoulder. Then, taking a step back, I look down and take my grandfather's wedding band from Tadhg's hand.

Tadhg looks up at me and holds my left hand in his palm.

"I am yours and you are mine, forever and always, Caoilainn. I love you." As he says the words, he slides my grandmother's rings onto my finger one at a time.

"I will love you all the days of my life and thereafter, Tadhg. I am yours and you are mine, forever and always." I promise back to him as I slide my grandfather's ring onto his finger.

Tadhg smiles and moves to reach for the twine.

Together we wrap it around our wrists, never breaking eye contact accept to look down to tie a knot beneath our woven hands.

"I am your husband forever, Caoilainn," Tadhg promises. "A bhuanchara."

"I am your wife for always, Tadhg," I reply.

Once the vows are complete I move forward and kiss Tadhg. Under the stars, on a green blanket of Mother Earth, we seal our marriage quietly. There is no quick or furious passion tonight. We are tender and serious with many revealed truths exposed within our hearts. Even though we were broken, even though we need time to heal, we have become one again.

In time we will be alright.

In the meanwhile, I will hold onto this moment tightly. Until Tadhg returns to me, safe from Afghanistan, I will cherish my memories and let them heal my heart. I hope my love for him will do the same for Tadhg. I smile as I think of him, and say a prayer for our daughter, Caireann Aibhlinn. I know she is with my grandparents and is loved. I will see her again one day.
-----------
Irish Pronunciation Guide

"An bpósfaidh tú mé?" sounds like "on boes-igg too may?" and means, "Will you marry me?"

"A bhuanchara" sounds like "uh woon khar-uh" and means, "My eternal/enduring friend."