Chapter 14
YouTube video above reference information: Scattynatty8. (2008). The Countess Cathleen. Riverdance. (Joanne Doyle). Web Search 22 January 2020. Website:
https://youtu.be/xofvqnLCB2Q.
Irish Translation and Pronunciation:
"A Rúnsearc" sounds like "ah-roon-shark" and means "Secret Love / Beloved".
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Tadhg
I wipe down the wood of the bartop and look over to where Caoilainn is practicing the slip jig* she has planned for the end of her upcoming recital. Long legs kick up towards the ceiling as my hand circles the leftover rings of condensation from customer drinks. I throw out some straws and remove an uneaten bit of pineapple from one glass. I douse the glassware into the trio of wash sinks, hitting the last one to sanitize them off before leaving them to sit and dry on the rubber mat at the end of the counter.
Caoilainn is fifteen feet in front of me, and yet she's a million miles away as well. She makes the moves appear effortless as she travels across the varnished floorboards.
I know better.
Caoilainn practices for hours. No one knows the work that goes into her routines. I do, though. Often left to close up for Duncan, I'm here when everyone else has gone home. Parents pick up their little sprites and probably assume their child's dance teacher is done for the night. Not true. When the room is empty it becomes Caoilainn's sanctuary. She draws inside herself and finds reprieve within. Her dancing fulfills a void.
When out in public with our friends Caoilainn doesn't speak much. She's quiet. She says very little. She is always kind and caring, but a part of her remains aloof from the crowd. I'm not sure if it's because she's nervous or if it's something else. Perhaps it has something to do with losing her father at such a young age. I know what living without a father does to you. Never having had a father myself, I can relate.
I can't help think about the walls Caoilainn keeps in place during the day and when we're out in public. They drop when she's on the dance floor, however. There, and when she's alone with me, as well. It's kind of flattering, actually, though also a little intimidating.
Brody's words from the other day echo inside my mind and I know I have to act. It's now or never.
"Tadhg," she says to me, putting a hand over my own. I didn't even notice she had stopped dancing. In the quiet I realize Caoilainn's music isn't playing anymore.
"You okay?" She asks looking at me with concern.
I blink. I look down at Caoilainn's hand and then back up at her while furrowing my brow.
"Why?" I blurt without thinking. I don't even know where the word came from, but there it is, sitting on the bar before us.
Caoilainn's eyes meet mine. We stare at each other. No words are spoken and yet a million thoughts travel back and forth between us.
"I can't," she whispers. "I just can't-
I shake my head and pull my hand out from under hers. I grab a towel from the sideboard and use it to dry a glass next to me. It's totally unnecessary. I can just let the glass airdry. I'm suddenly nervous, however, and use the chore to distract myself from the conversation at hand. I don't want to screw this up.
"When we're out with our friends, or doing something at school-," I start to say.
"Yeah?" she asks looking down at her nails while picking at them nervously. I shake my head and on impulse change gears.
"How come you never date anyone, Caoi?"
At the end of my question Caoilainn raises her eyes to meet mine and holds her breath.
"Um," she begins to answer.
"I mean," I say to her, holding her glance. "I never see you hitting on anyone, and you turn down guys left and right-"
"Would that make you happy, Tadhg?" Caoilainn asks quietly looking away from me. I think I hear her sniffle but I'm not sure.
I reach out and touch her chin with my hand using the movement to bring her eyes back to mine before I answer her. "No."
"Because, if that's what you want, then-" she says sighing, looking away from me again and then quickly back. "Wait, did you say no?"
"Yeah," I reply. "I mean, no. I mean I said, no. No, I don't want you to-"
"Then, why-"
When I reach out and kiss Caoilainn over the bar it's as quiet as she normally is. There's a tenderness to this kiss that I've not felt before. It's the first time I've kissed Caoilainn since the Yule log and the experience sends silent sparks up my spine.
For so long I've wanted to do this. For so long I've held back, thinking she didn't want me. As our kiss continues, though, I realize how wrong I've been. It's like she's been waiting for me to find her. All this time.
Caoilainn's hands come up to hold me tighter. She deepens the kiss, climbing onto a barstool to get closer to me. I wrap my hands under her arms and reach around to pick her up and onto the bar. A squeak and grunt later and she's sitting on top of it with her legs wrapped around my midsection.
Coming up for air, I whisper into her mouth, "Caoilainn, what is this? What are we doing?" Her lips travel to my chin and underneath to find my neck. Her hands reach behind grabbing onto me and I move closer to get more. I feel like I can pull her inside me. I never wanna let her go.
Caoilainn's mouth travels back to my own and she kisses me deeply. A moment later she sighs and pulls back moving her hands to the front of my chest. "I'm kissing you, Tadhg," she whispers to me. "And you're kissing me back."
"Tell me this is what you want, Tadhg," she says. "Tell me we belong together. Go out with me, Tadhg. Will you? Will you be mine?"
I close my mouth and stare down at her. Looking into her eyes I can see her fear. She's trembling in my arms. She thinks I'm going to deny her; that I will turn her away.
"Yes," I tell her.
Caoilainn blinks. "Yes?" she asks taken back.
"Is that so surprising?" I ask her.
"Yes?" She repeats. "You said, yes?"
I nod. "I did."
Caoilainn crushes her mouth against mine and kisses me again. My hands travel under her shirt and I feel her shiver at my touch.
"Wait, wait, Tadhg," she moans. "We can't do this. First, we have to agree---we have to keep this between us, Tadhg. For a little while, just us."
I step back stunned. "What, why? That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't we tell anyone?"
Caoilainn hops down from the bar and paces around to the other side of it. "Because, we just can't, okay? I want this to stay between us, okay, Tadhg?"
"I don't understand, Caoilainn."
A minute ago I was elated. I felt like the world was mine. Now I can feel my temper rising from within and I'm not sure why. I move around the bar to catch up to her and grab her hand in mine.
"I don't like anyone knowing about me, Tadhg. I'm a very private person. You know that."
"But it's us, Caoilainn. Our friends aren't going to---Caoi, they'll be happy for us. Why wouldn't we tell them?" I wipe an errant hair from her brow and move it behind her ear. When I kiss her forehead I pull her closer for a hug. It feels so good to hold her in my arms.
"I know. It's just," she tries to explain but fails. "I'm scared. What if something goes wrong? What if things don't work out. I can't...I don't want people to look at us and...I feel good when I'm with you, Tadhg. No one knows me like you do. I don't want to share us with anyone else yet. I'm scared. With all the girls you've dated and everyone being so gossipy and mean at school-"
I rest my chin on her forehead and close my eyes. "It's ok, Caoilainn. I get it. You don't have to worry about it. I know. I'll be quiet about us. Don't worry."
I pick up my chin and tilt her head up so she can see me.
"But not forever," I warn her. "I won't be that guy. You can't hide me. Are you ashamed of us, Caoilainn? I know I'm just a bar keep's second, but I'm going to enlist soon. I know there are some better guys out there but I promise I'll-"
"That's not it, Tadhg, no," Caoilainn denies. "I could never be ashamed of you. I'm just...I just want it to stay between us for a little while and see how everything works out."
I lightly touch my lips to Caoilainn's and whisper my consent. "Okay, Caoilainn," I tell her. "For now. We'll keep things between us for now, a rúnsearc."
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*This is what I imagine Caoilainn's slip jig to look like:
YouTube Source for above slip jig video: WGBH Music. (2013). Christmas Celtic Sojourn: Melissa McCarthy, Slip Jig. WGBH Music. Web Search 23 January 2020. Website: https://youtu.be/NACU8NPHoVE.
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