Caoilainn

The next morning as I open my eyes I take a deep breath and look around my room, my grandmother's journal lying across my chest, split open against it, and I smile at her memories. I had been dreaming, though I cannot remember what about. Whatever it was, it was pleasant because I came to very calmly. I feel peaceful and relaxed.

It's still dark outside; morning light hasn't reached my window yet.

I pull my fluffy comforter up to my chin and burrow into its soft downy feathers. The outside of it feels cool to the touch, but underneath the inside is warm and snug. It's like sleeping in a cloud.

Crickets are still up lamenting the coming light. I can hear the coo of a pair of mourning doves outside my window, too.

I love this time of day. Night has not surrendered her post but the day is threatening to dawn. It's quiet and contemplative. The world is still asleep and I can appreciate her slumber.

From what I heard on the radio last night it's supposed to be a very warm day.

I sit up, take a deep breath, and toss my covers back. I amble over to my windowsill and look out, leaning my chin down on my hands while perching on my elbows.

The sun hasn't crested the horizon yet, but it won't be long.

Before anyone can wake up I make a decision. Looking around and without turning on any lights, I reach for the top drawer of my dresser and take out a bra and underwear, t-shirt and shorts and get changed. I run into my bathroom, take care of business quickly and toss on some deodorant, and brush my teeth. Scratching a blemish away, I wipe my face clean with a cool rinse of water. After dragging a detangler brush through my springing curls, I dab on some lightly scented oil for the heck of it. Not sure why; it's bound to be washed away soon, but it's a habit and I do it anyway.

I grab an old towel from my bathroom linen closet on the way out and turn off the light. When I'm back in my room, I pick up my flip flops and tip toe out of my room and down the hall. When I get to the kitchen, I write a quick note, put on my shoes, and slip out the door before anyone stirs.

Tadhg

Nothing like waking up at 4AM to make a grown man grumpy. I was up long after midnight so you'd think I'd be exhausted, but no. Here I am, after what feels like a brief nap, and I can't get back to sleep. My mind's racing in a million directions.

I can't stop thinking about Caoilainn.

I toss my smothering comforter off my bed in a huff. Damn thing is making me sweat.

Birds are chirping insistently outside my house and I wrap my pillow around my head against their never-ending, manic chatter. Finding no relief, I flip over and toss my pillow across the room at the blasted window.

Swearing, I get up and lurch over to the window to stare out of it in frustration. Damn birds.

I turn around and walk back to the side of my bed and sit down on the edge of it. Running my hands through my hair and over my face, I sigh.

How did everything get so complicated so quickly?

One minute, everything was fine.

Caoilainn and I were fine.

Best friends.

But then people are asking her out.

Pursuing her.

Preying on her.

I shake my head and flex the fingers of my hand into a fist. I don't even realize I've done it until I look down and see myself.

Shit.

I think about all of the girls who've been in this room with me. All of the people who've fawned over me after rugby games and at parties. Not one of them has ever meant a thing to me. They were just there. We laughed. We had fun. We partied, but they were never anything real.

It didn't feel like it. I mean, I liked it...them. It's just. They were a distraction. It never meant anything more, not to me or them.

I frown.

Caoilainn has never been a good time.

I take a deep breath.

No, that's isn't right. It's not that she hasn't been part of my fun. She has, but it's always been different.

With Caoilainn...it's always real. The real me. I am who I really am when I'm with her. I can always be me and not have to worry about---

Shit.

I look around my room and sigh.

My head is so screwed up.

I stand and pace across the floor of my room a few times.

I look over at the corkboard above my desk and stare at the pictures on it. There must be 20 of them. A few are of my friends but most of them are of Caoilainn and I. Pictures in the woods, us at her grandparent's house, at school, games, everywhere. Some are new, but many date back years. There's even a few from when we were in grade school.

I pull a pin out of one of them and remove the picture from behind it. It's the picture of the two of us at her feis. We were in the third grade. Caoilainn was wearing one of her dance costumes and I had on my rugby uniform. I smile. Memories from that day echo in my mind.

I frown.

Damn it.

I put the picture up on the board and stick a pin back in it.

What are you doing to my head, Caoilainn?

How did not I see this all before?

I think about Nick flirting with Caoilainn at the lunch table and feel my blood pressure rise. It doesn't help when I look down and see the leftover scratches on my hand from when I punched Archer a few weeks ago. I can't believe he tried to hook up with her.

I yawn holding my hands above my head in a stretch of frustration. Walking over to the window I look outside and curse. Maybe if I go on a morning run it'll help clear my head.

I look around my room for my shoes and see one's laces scattering out from underneath my unmade bed. I find the other shoe among the dust collecting under my bureau. I sit down to put them on while scratching my head.

When I leave the house it's still dark outside and the only person awake with me is the newspaper man. I shake my head and wonder how many more years I'll see that. As it is, most people don't even order the paper anymore. There's only a few older folks on our street who even get it now. Pretty soon I suspect newspaper deliveries will be a fossil of the past.

Thinking about this mundane topic helps me clear my head and I hit the pavement in an attempt to let everything inside empty.

Caoilainn

"Oh, sugar," I shiver aloud to myself. "This is going to be cold."

I pull my toes back onto the mossy rocks and look around. What was I thinking coming here this time of day? This spring runs with nothing but ice cold water. Jeez Louise, this might be the craziest thing I've done yet.

I've heard stories about the old ways since I was young. I've always wanted to try some of them myself but have been too chicken to do it. Last night while reading about my grandmother's life, her memories warming my heart, I felt like there were things I needed to get a move on with. Today when I woke up, my grandmother's words still fresh on my mind, and no one around me awake, I thought, why not start now?

So, here I am, in the middle of the woods at dawn, about to skinny dip for the first time in my life. I've never done this before. It's going to be great and crazy at the same time. I'm not sure what has possessed me to start with this particular act but here I am.

If I can only talk myself into taking my clothes off to jump in.

I frown.

I hate the cold.

Luckily, the air around me is already warm, but still.

That water is frigid.

I shake off my negative mindset and peek around the area; no one is about. The only sound I hear are finches in the nearby bushes and maybe a squirrel or two. It's now or never.

Am I really going to do this?

OMG! OMG!

Ok, Caoilainn. You can do this.

I quickly peel off my clothes and fold them neatly into a pile on top of my flip flops. Then I close my eyes with a tight squint and take a leap of faith, plunging into the cold, icy water in front of me.

HOLY shit!

It's so ever-loving cold!

Oh, but this is great. Once you get past the numb toes, the sensation of the water slipping over your naked body feels like cold silk. I giggle as I swim on the surface of the water, feeling naughty but safe at the same time.

Grams, if you could see me now.

Turning on my back and fanning my arms outward while kicking my feet softly, I drop my head into the water and wonder how many times my grandmom did this. I guess I'll find out as I keep reading.

Floating along, paddling gracefully across the water's surface, I empty my mind, having not a care in the world. This is awesome.

Tadhg

I can't breathe.

She is---I can't.

Wow.

I turn around and glance behind and around me to make sure no one else is nearby. Then, even though I know I shouldn't, I look again.

Caoilainn is swimming, naked, in the water, 20 feet downhill. I move to stand behind the tree that blocks her line of view and just stare, almost open-mouthed, at the vision before me.

I don't think there's a functioning brain cell in my body right now.

When things become tight in my shorts I reach down. There's a familiar heaviness that I'm not accustomed to feeling in Caoilainn's presence. Ok, well, at least that I try not to feel around her. I guess that's why I always have those other girls around me all the time. Too much pent up, uh...Caoilainn just spun over and now the round globes of her ass are floating---

Cripes, this girl is going to kill me where I stand.

Caoilainn stops and raises herself sideways out of the water. She runs her hands over her scalp, smoothing her hair back on her head. Her sun-kissed curls glisten under the fingers of God reaching down from the sky.

I swallow deeply as pearls of water run down her chest and across her hallow stomach. I can see a small pool gathering in her belly button and wonder what it would be like to drink from that chalice.

I try to think of anything that'll keep me from rubbing myself. I turn away to lean backwards against the tree. Short-lived guilt attacks me as sordid thoughts run through my mind.

When I find some self-control I turn back around almost panting. I can't stop staring at her.

Caoilainn's on the other side of the bank now slowly coming out of the water to bend over and retrieve her towel. She wraps it around herself before turning back to sit down on the shore and relax in the early morning sun.

I move behind the tree again and close my eyes.

No way is she going to be with anyone else.

This earth goddess is mine.

I take a deep breath and straighten myself out. When I look back and see Caoilainn getting dressed, I realize she'll be coming this way to go home, which means I need to be gone. I look around once more to make sure she'll be safe when I leave. Finding no one about, I take off, my head clearer now than it's been in a while.