[Trigger Warning]
-anxiety attack/panic attack
-nightmares
-divorce
-abuse
-lying/cheating
-drowning
-self-harm
-screaming/cussing
-choking
-small spaces (claustrophobia sort of)

✿ Virgil ✿

It was midnight. Patton passed out an hour ago, he seriously can't stay up past midnight. Logan followed suit not to long after. Now Roman is in the shower, because apparently he likes to shower late at night. Now I'm alone with my thoughts, curled up in Patton's beanbag chair, listening to music.

I'm sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really
starts to fall in love with me
Sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry I could be so blind
Didn't mean to leave you
And all of the things that we had behind

I felt a nudge on my shoulder, and I looked up to meet a sapphire colored ocean gaze. Roman. He smiled, and said something I couldn't hear. I took my headphones off, and tilted my head, "Sorry, I didn't hear you."

He laughed quietly, "I said that you have good music taste." I smile, "I'm surprised you know her."

"Of course I know her, she's an bicon," Roman said offended. I stifle a laugh, and he rolls his eyes.

"So, J Delightful, I'm not tired, you clearly aren't," He started, "Tell me about yourself."

"Where do you want me to begin?" I ask. "Sexuality," He said immediately.

"I'm gay," I tell him, and he grins. "How'd your mom react?"

"I've never actually told her. She told me that she didn't care who I brought home, she, he, they, whatever, she didn't care. She said as long as I was happy, she was happy," I tell him, and a smile spread across his face. It was blinding.

"What about you, Ro?" I ask. He chuckles, "Surprise surprise. I'm bi."

"Of course," I laugh. He laughs too.

"I remember you saying that your dad was never in the picture. You said he was asshole?" Roman asked, and I nod.

"They were drunk and stupid, but they started dating, they even got engaged. Then, my mom found out she was pregnant with me, didn't even get to tell him. Turns out, he was lying about being her soulmate, and he was with another woman. My mom raised me alone," I tell him, and he frowns.

"That's awful," He looks at me with pity, but I shrug it off. "Yeah."

"Don't worry about me. What about your mom and dad? They're divorced?" I ask.

"Oh," He laughs a little, "My mom and dad had me and my older sister Allie, but then they kinda drifted out of love. They are still good friends and they hang out a bit, but they both moved on. My mom and stepdad then had my little sister Jade, and I have a stepbrother Travis. It's pretty hectic around my house," Roman laughed.

"I didn't know you had siblings," I say surprised. I've known him for a week, and I'm just finding out about this.

"Yeah, they weren't able to come to the game tonight. They had more important things to do," He laughs, shaking his head.

"How old are they?"

"Allie is 19, Travis is 14, and Jade is 5."

"Sounds like quite a party," I laugh.

"Definitely," He laughs with me.

✿

I was trapped. The dark wrapping itself around me like a cold blanket. Constricting my neck to where I could longer breathe. My lungs begging for air, until it was soon all released and blinding white light flooded my vision.

I was met with Roman's ocean gaze, a look of pure hatred piercing through my heart and lungs. It hurt.

"Ro-Roman," I stammered, and he towered over me.

"Why? Why did you cause me this pain? Are you really that selfish? Why didn't you stop cutting, Virgil? Are you that much of a dumbass?!" He screamed at me. I felt the tears welling up. No...not now.

He continued to yell profanities and I continued to stumble backward until my back hit a wall. Then, Roman was gone. Instead, I was in a glass box. Patton, Logan, and Roman staring at me. I screamed, but they couldn't hear me, I could hear them.

"He's a burden that's what he is! Ever since he came here, he has caused pain. That is it! Pain!" Roman yelled.

"I have to agree with Roman here, Patton. This is what is best," Logan nodded.

That's when I noticed Patton was crying, he didn't know what to do. I was confused until I looked down, a pump, a water pump, and a button on a pedestal right in front of Patton.

I realized I was about to drown, and I banged on the glass, "Patton! Don't do this! Please!"

He can't hear me, but I didn't care. I don't want to drown. I don't want to suffer. I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die.

Patton looked up, tears streaming down his face, "I'm sorry."

That was when it all went to hell. It wasn't just water, it was pure black. No transparency, completely opaque, and I was about to drown in it.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, continuing to bang on the glass, but then the black water reached my chin, and the last thing I saw was a faint yellow light and then I was underwater, air slowly running out of my lungs.

Then I'm back to reality.

✿ Roman ✿

Virgil is an enigma to me. I can't put his puzzle pieces together. I'm told he has awful anxiety but he seems happy. It's scary how easy a mask can protect your insecurities.

He never shows his arms either, but that's not the first time I've encountered someone who does that. Logan hasn't shown his arms since middle school. A lot of students don't. I think they just want to fall in love with whoever they want. They don't want to fall in love with anyone specific.

In the middle of my thinking, I doze off into an ocean of black. Engulfed in warmth and as a dream greets me. But then I'm interrupted. I look around the room and I notice it's 2 AM. Virgil's small figure catches my eye, and I look to see him shaking. I quietly sit up from the bed, and I crouch down in front of him.

"Virgil? Everything alright?" I ask. He looks at me, and I feel a tinge of sadness, maybe even brokenness, twist my heart.

His eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. His normally green/brown eyes are a dull brown, that look tired and empty. His hair was messy and all in his face, tears were falling from his eyes. I noticed his shaky breathing and I meet his gaze. He winces and looks away. I haven't dealt with a nightmare or anxiety attack since 6th grade. An image of Patton crying flashed through my mind, but I shook it away.

"Virgil, I want you to follow my breathing ok?" He shows the barest notion of a nod, and I begin to breathe in. "Breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and breathe out for eight seconds." I begin to follow the pattern and so does he. A few stumbles, but he got through it.

"Better?" I ask him, and he nods, wiping the tears away, "I'm sorry you saw me like that."

"Virgil, it's alright, you have nothing to be sorry for," I tell him, putting my hand ok his shoulder. His cheeks flushed pink, and he shrugged my hand off his shoulder.

"What exactly happened?" I ask, trying to meet his gaze.

"Nightmare," He tells me, a small shiver coursing through his body.

"Wanna talk about it?" I ask, but he shakes his head immediately.

"It hurts too much," He says, barely a whisper.

"I understand," I nod to him.

"Is everything ok?" Patton rubbed his eyes, his hair a mess.

"Yeah, just another nightmare, Pat," Virgil told him.

Patton's eyes widened, and then he saw me and a wave if relief washed over him. "You took care of him?"

"Course I did," I grin, and he grins back. I'm obviously oblivious to Virgil's fifty shades of pink face.

"How is Logan still asleep?" Virgil asked.

"I was asleep, and then you idiots woke me up," Logan groaned.

"He doesn't mean that, he's grumpy when he's tired," Patton smiled at Virge and I grinned, Virge stifling a giggle.

Logan then stuck up his middle finger, and Patton threw his pillow at him, "Not in this household."

Virgil and I were laughing now, while Patton scolded Logan and and Logan desperately wanted sleep.

Maybe midnight mumbles really do distract people.

✿

I really do hope people know where I got the title from. Here is a hint, it is from a Dodie song.

Anyways, oh my gosh, this chapter was just..a lot! It is actually sort of a vent for me, specifically the nightmare part.
I do not self-harm, neither do I endorse it, but as the story unfolds I'm going to place a lot of myself into Virgil. That is why he is pretty smiley right now, because I'm smiley. I'm also going to put a lot of myself into Patton as well soooo yeah.

If you guys see anything else worth mentioning that I should improve on, or it is a trigger of yours, please, inform me. I want everyone safe while reading this book.

Well, that is all for now, here is my twitter, I'm way more active on there. If you have fan art, tags me in it please.
Twitter: KaylaIsSmiling

I love y'all!
❤️