Azula walked upon the flower box ledge in perfect poise. Wind tugged faintly at her clothes but the feeling was greeted with open arms. A refreshing breeze was nearly as good as a cold treat on a summer day. Sighing, turning about, and stepping off the ledge Azula wandered inside once more.
Kiyi ran amuck about the palace having grown since last year. She was slender, beautiful, and fiery. Everything about her resembled the ripe youth of spring. From her light brown hair to her wide smile and glittering eyes.
"You're bored without her aren't you?" Zuko mused, stepping up beside his sister.
"She kept things interesting," Azula agreed, "but she has important work to do."
"If you can believe she and Sokka won't burn the building down during their meeting in Republic City," Zuko snorted.
"She's savvy," Azula promised, "and the ambassador the fire nation needs."
"I still don't understand why you didn't offer to take the role," Zuko frowned. "I know you've moved on but-what I'm trying to say is that your past isn't keeping you from doing these sorts of things anymore."
"Maybe, but I've had my political dance," Azula shrugged. "The world needs someone amiable, gentle, good natured, and passionate. Not the analytical eye of a general. Things can be fragile and I'm not always delicate."
"Fair," Zuko nodded. "But you have experience."
"And she has the visionary at heart I never did. To look past the benders and more at the world as a whole. A world full of people not just those who can wield elements and those who can't. I have faith in her. She'll be fine," Azula insisted. She knew her brother was anxious to hear what had been determined in Republic City: whether or not his funding had gone through, if the infrastructure was on schedule, how the legal system would shape up, and more. Truthfully, Azula was nervous too but she'd prepared her friend as much as she could.
"I guess it's just a waiting game now," Zuko sighed, pursing his lips. "Why don't we get out of this palace for a bit? Have an adventure?"
"I'd agree but you have weddings to plan," Azula smirked. "Or did you forget Zuzu? You always have a knack for having your head up your ass in regard to important things."
"And there's the insult," Zuko sighed. He abandoned his sister in the hall much to her pleasure. He was beginning to ask a lot of questions and she was tired of answering them. At least she could still manipulate his leaving like she used to. That was something that always came in handy.
With a content sigh, Azula walked slowly back to her room. The place was tidy, hardly anything out of sort, but it was well lived in as far as appearances went. Such details of personality were new. Azula had a habit of coming and going once upon a time but she'd recently decided that staying wasn't too bad either. Sure, she enjoyed exploring and living freely but there was comfort in a home. Even if it was a haunted one.
Her eyes fell upon the old burn mark beneath a candle's glow. That one faint hand mark upon wood had caused her so much agony. Even now she could recall the burning in her stomach, the ache in her chest, and the stifling proximity of the situation. With a shaky breath, the princess turned her back and sat down at her desk.
With a shaking hand she began to write. If there was anyone who could hear out her worries it was Ty Lee. Perhaps bothering the new fire nation ambassador wasn't wise when she was away on business but Azula didn't care. Part of her still enjoyed using her status to obtain little privileges. Such as, disguising a letter as official mail. No one needed to know the difference beside the person reading the message.
Smiling faintly to herself, Azula began to write:
Ty Lee,
My brother finds your departure slightly unnerving. Despite my assurances that you are well equipped for the job he can't help but worry. It's pathetic really, but he's still new to everything regarding Republic City. If he'd read more he'd know this sort of thing has happened frequently throughout history, but I'm not writing solely to make fun of my brother. Even if it is tempting.
Recently I've been attempting to be less...anal as Zuko puts it, about my room. He says it's not healthy to stress over cleanliness. Of course, I heavily disagree and it's difficult to even leave a pen out upon my desk, but I know he's right. Sometimes one must let certain things go. Like pens.
But at the same time I can't help but feel restless. It's an odd feeling. One I can't quite describe other than if my chest was stuffed with cotton. It's most noticeable when I'm alone or surrounded by a crowd. I guess that feeling has always been there but it's more noticeable now.
And despite myself I can't help but find Him in little things. Like my room, or the hallway, or the library, and even the study. It doesn't frighten me as much as it used to but I feel on edge. Part of me thinks I'm overreacting or that some small part of my brain is searching for Him but I don't know. I find I'm less sure of things now more than before.
A fraction of myself misses my old identity as fragile as it was because at least I was certain of that identity. Now, I feel like I'm floating. While it's exciting getting to craft the person I get to be it's frightening too. Almost like I can fail before I've even started.
Truthfully, I don't even know why I'm writing other than I feel the need for company as pathetic as it sounds. Zuko is busy planning his and Mai's wedding and my mother is all caught up in it too. It's like I'm a bystander watching someone else's happiness unfold unsure of how to feel.
Anyways, I'm rambling now. I hate that I am.
-Azula.
With the help of a messenger Hawk the letter was sent on its way. Stepping back from the window, Azula peered down at the ground below. A sense of curiosity and melancholy flickered in her chest but she pushed it aside. Those were old desires not to be dwelled on unless they become dangerous. She knew that now.
— — —
In the morning, Azula found the messenger hawk. She hadn't expected such a quick reply but part of her was satisfied that Ty Lee hadn't waited to respond. Stroking the soft feathers of the bird's head, the princess collected the message with a whispered thanks to send the bird on its way.
Paper tucked in hand, Azula headed to breakfast. Nearly there she realized she'd forgotten to change. Uttering a string of curses she raced back to her room. How she'd forgotten such a simple detail she didn't know. Moving hurriedly about, the princess recollected herself and made the same trek as before.
Much to her delight, breakfast was already upon the table and beside her empty plate was a carefully folded napkin and a collection of pills. Stomach recoiling, Azula had to remind herself that taking such things were necessary. They helped. Her fever hadn't cured her of her psychological trauma. Not all of it anyway, and despite the side of her that felt weak for taking the dosages prescribed she could practically hear Ty Lee's approval.
When each pill had been downed, and Azula had collected a small breakfast upon her plate, she sat to read the letter. Ty Lee's excited but elegant scroll had become entirely familiar.
'Zula,
It's good to hear from you! Can't say all this jargon isn't boring but Sokka helps keep things entertaining. Well, Toph too, but that's beside the point. Though, I'm pretty sure she's ready to kick everyone's ass in the room.
As for your confidence in me I can't help but feel flattered. Truthfully, I worried you were being a bit patronizing at first. Especially when you said you believed in me whole heartedly. Suppose that was a wrong assumption on my part.
Now, on a more serious note. Feeling anxious is something that comes with anxiety. It's not so bad if you take your meds but that doesn't kill the feeling. I wish I could help but I don't know what that's like. Just know that you can vent to me if it helps whether you send the message or not. And when it comes to your father he's never truly going to disappear when you live in the place he's always occupied. That palace has a history that's not easily erased. Sometimes I'm certain all the fire lords are judging us when we wander those halls. I guess that's what makes it such an important aspect of our culture. But if you can maybe identify what makes you think of him you could get rid of it. For instance, I used to have a green ribbon I used for my pet's collar. I had to get rid of it because it reminded me that my turtle duck had run away. I still miss Scuttles.
Anyways, I think you'll be okay Zula. You just have to trust yourself as hard as that is. You're a good person. You've always been a good person and you just have to believe that whoever you decide to be it's the identity you want. Not the identity you think other people need.
-Ty
Leaning back in her seat, Azula read the last line over again. She'd always thought that, but having someone else confirm that she didn't have to be someone for someone else was relieving. There were times she caught herself trying to please people she didn't have to. Having Ty Lee as a form of counsel was more than enough to make the day ahead seem less daunting. She had purging to do and that meant getting rid of her father's identity from the world around her.
Deciding not to bother her friend again, Azula refrained from writing a reply. She'd burdened Ty Lee enough. There was no need for more of it. Quickly scarfing down her breakfast, Azula traversed the palace with a keen eye. She didn't bother to ask for permission before taking things. This was for her benefit and no one else's. She could give a rat's flaming asshole how they felt about what she planned on doing. Collecting items from her father's journals upon her desk, to the lamp he left on his bedside table, the old blanket on the back of a family chair, and dusty slippers, Azula toted her haul to the training room.
Piling it up she sorted through the objects and spread them about. She'd been craving target practice anyways. At first, part of her figured destroying these things wasn't a good idea. She could picture the repercussions of her actions, but the more she waited the less likely she was to follow through with the deed. Swallowing tightly, Azula blasted an old notebook into a heap of ash. She didn't stop. She slung fire about until everything he'd touched was turned to ash.
Sweat forming a light sheen on her brow, Azula paused to examine one remaining object. She thought she'd gotten everything, but the blue and smoke must have hidden it from sight. Amongst the ash, resided a frame. Inside was an old family picture she hadn't seen before. Curiosity won out, and the princess knelt before the object.
Her mother was young looking, happy, smiling, and seemingly care free. Her father was also there. He seemed less stoic, less reserved, and more amiable. Zuko was no more than a roll of baby fat in his mother's arms. His chubby cheeks were stretched from his gummy smile.
Azula wasn't there. They all looked happy without her. Part of her didn't understand why Ozai would keep such a thing. Not when he'd been so clear in his hate for Zuko and his false adoration for her. The idea that he'd hung onto something like this made the princess' chest ache. A section of her conscience screamed at her to burn it. She didn't listen.
Instead, Azula clambered to her feet and sought out her brother. When she found him he seemed surprised. She didn't wait for him to say anything, simply stuck out her hand and let him take the picture. "I found this. I thought you might want it."
"Oh," Zuko studied the picture with care, a small smile twitching at the edges of his mouth, "thank you."
"Of course," Azula nodded, her hands pulling lightly at the fabric of her pants in frantic succession.
"Have you by chance seen father's journals? I needed to look back on a record of his," Zuko glanced back up at his sister expectantly.
"No," Azula swallowed tightly, "I haven't. But if I do I'll bring them here."
"Thank you again," Zuko smiled, giving her a light one armed hug. "I won't keep you."
Azula gave a tentative smile and fled the room as quickly as possible. She couldn't quiet explain the way her chest seemed to be closing up or why her hands seemed to incessantly be moving, but that didn't matter. She needed to clean up her mess before someone found it and Zuko started asking questions.
Disposing of the ash was far more difficult than Azula would've guessed. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried He just didn't want to leave. Then again, giving Zuko that picture had been stupid. But he'd seemed genuinely pleased. With a grunt, Azula sat back on her heels. "I can't do this. I can't do this."
"Azula, there you are! Your brother-"Ursa paused in the doorway of the training room. Her eyes settled on the smeared black across the floor and the shivering form of her daughter.
"Don't be mad. I'm cleaning it up," Azula promised, setting back to work.
"Honey," Ursa sighed, approaching her daughter with care and gently prying the soaked rag from her hand. "What're you doing?"
"I-I," Azula tried to find a way to explain but she wasn't sure how to do so. Then, with a deep sigh, she realized being afraid of her mother was foolish. Steeling her nerves, Azula explained as best as she could what she'd been up to.
"Okay," Ursa nodded, pursing her lips. She didn't seem pleased but she wasn't mad either. Truthfully, Ursa couldn't be mad at Azula. How could she? If this was how she coped so be it. "You'll need another rag. Wait here."
"No!" Azula protested, "You don't have to help. I can do it. It's my mess."
"I don't have too but I want to," Ursa insisted. Azula watched her mother disappear and part of her anxiety eased. She'd been right. There was no reason to be afraid. In fact, she was a bit warmed by the idea of her mother bothering to check on her at all even if it was by accident.
When Ursa returned, the two girls spent the next hour scrubbing the mats clean. They worked in silence until Ursa broke it, "I won't tell Zuko you burned your father's books."
"You don't have to lie," Azula whispered, "I can tell him. I lied anyways so I should probably fix that mess before it escalates."
"Alright," Ursa nodded, helping her daughter up and taking the dirtied rag. "Have you written to Ty Lee lately?"
"Recently, yes," Azula nodded.
"How is she? I miss her," Ursa smiled. "Kiyi too."
"She's alright," Azula assured. "I've tried not to bother her much."
"Well, if you get the chance will you tell her we say hi?" Ursa asked hopefully.
"I will," Azula promised.
"Do you know when she'll be back? It's been a few months hasn't it?"
"Yes," Azula nodded, "but politics can't be rushed."
"I suppose not," Ursa laughed. "Well, if I don't see you the rest of the day know I love you. And if you need me I'm just a call away."
"I know," Azula smiled faintly. Ursa left her daughter to stand in the cleaned training room without a speck of soot in sight. With a nod of approval, Azula left the room behind.