*You know, if you want me there just say it*

*I don't even want to go in the first place, there's no need to drag you with me* Jessica texted her lover and rose up from the couch where she's been spending most of her days at.

The younger woman wasn't feeling good these past few weeks, a situation that made Susan feel like she was trying to cut her out of her life and although Jessica tried numerous times to explain to her lover that it wasn't about her, Susan made it all about her in her head.

"I don't know, maybe it's the end and she just tries to push me away," Susan said to her dear friend Clayton and threw her phone to the side without answering.

"How long is this going?"

"She's been like this since she got back from Minnesota"

"Did you fight when she was there?"

"No, we didn't. But we're fighting almost every day..." Susan sighed and buried her face in her open palms. "I don't know... I don't know what to do!"

"How about you explain to her how you feel?"

"Don't you think I didn't try that?! Every time I open my mouth she flips! This is it, Clayton. We're done and there's nothing I can do to change that"

"Nonsense! Be optimistic for God's sake!"

"Then explain to me why she's acting like that"

"Jesus, I don't know but give her some space... I don't know her as much as you do but I can see that she has stuff in her head going"

"Well, I have stuff of my own, we can't continue like that!"

"So you want to end this"

Susan stared at him, looking like she was building into something but eventually, "No..." she said and took a sip from her mug. "But we can't continue like this either..." Susan added and took her phone.

*Am I going to see you after?*

*Not today, Sue. I don't feel so good. I should better come back home and rest* Jessica replied.

Of course, Susan wasn't the only one who was feeling the same way but it was a little different for Jessica. There were times where all she needed was to stay home with her lover and spend time talking or even watch a movie and do nothing but all Susan wanted was for them to go out. They are different but only now both of them realized that.

Christmas can be a depressing season and Jessica felt like it was endless. All she wanted was someone to listen to her but she felt that Susan didn't want to hear. Having the kids around the house, talking about Sam only made her feel worse and although she thought she left all that behind it was only getting bigger.

Suddenly she was dealing with remorse, feeling that she could change the outcome if she was next to him and not so far away, working and having the time of her life...

*We live a block away and it's been a week since the last time we saw each other*

*Now it's not the time to talk about that* Jessica texted and the minute Susan read it, she immediately called her.

"And when's the right time?"

"Not now"

"And when Jessica? When?! What did I do to deserve all this?"

"Nothing... you did nothing"

"Then what's wrong with you? If you want to end this just say it but we can't continue like this"

"Susan, I can't talk about that now"

"But I can!"

"Look... I'm gonna call you tomorrow, okay?"

"No... it's now or never, Jessica. I'm done with this. Either you tell me what's going on or we're done"

Jessica took a minute, unsure if she should tell her what really bothers her until: "I've been thinking about Sam a lot lately"

Susan suddenly calmed down, "And?"

"And I can't help it but think that I wasn't there for him"

"But you went to Kentucky the week after we were done shooting"

"I know that but I only went for a couple of days and he needed me"

"Jess, everything would be the same even if you stayed there for a year"

"And what would happen if we didn't break up?"

"Don't forget why you broke up"

"Yes, but he needed me, Sue and I wasn't there"

"We can't talk about this from here... "

"I know"

"Take your time and call me when you feel like talking"

"Thank you"

"Bye"

"Sue..." Jessica whispered but Susan had already hanged up. She glanced down and sighed. She checked the clock and started getting ready.

Jessica wore her black suit, put on some lipstick and left the house, heading to see the premiere of one of Sam's plays. Walker and Hannah were already there, waiting for her.

Jessica caught herself thinking of Sam during the play and she immediately shook her head trying to block the thoughts away but invalid. She could still picture him in her head, writing on their room.

Once the play was over everyone walked out. Jessica stood in the corner, avoiding the paparazzi. She spotted her kids walking to up to her accompanied by some young lady. Jessica took out of her bag her cigarettes and lighted up one while waiting for them.

"Mom..." Hannah said smiling, "This is Cate"

"Hi, Cate. Nice to meet you" Jessica replied with a smile, not knowing exactly who that woman was.

"Hi, did you like the play?"

"Oh, it was wonderful."

Cate nodded, "So we're going for dinner, you can join us if you want," Hannah added although she knew that Jessica preferred to stay home.

"Thank you but I've got plans..." Jessica lied.

"How about you two go get a taxi?" Walker said, looking at his sister.

"Sure..." Cate said, "We should go out some other time, Jessica" she continued.

"Of course... have fun," Jessica said and looked at her daughter and her friend leaving.

"How are you?"

"I'm good..."

"You know who that woman is?"

"Your friend?" Jessica laughed

"She was dad's girlfriend..."

Jessica looked at him, suddenly her whole expression changed, she took a minute and chuckled, "How old is she? 20?"

"31..."

"Of course she is..."

"She really wanted to meet you"

"Well... she met me alright" Jessica replied and took a drag from her cigarette.

"Now, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing..." Jessica said and sighed, "I'm fine... go have fun, don't worry about me"

"They were together when dad passed. We met her at his house"

"Well, it's funny that I didn't even know about her..."

"Don't be like that, mom"

"You know... I was thinking that I wasn't there for your father when he needed me but as it turns out he was never there when I needed him. I spent so many years alone because I didn't want to hurt him"

"Mom, he just moved on..."

"I know that now"

"You want me to stay with you?"

"No, no... go. I'm fine" Jessica smiled and closed her eyes while shaking her head, recovering. "Go," she said and kissed her son.

"Good night" Walker replied and hugged her.

Jessica watched him leaving, she threw her cigarette on the ground and started walking towards her house...

"What a fool I was, thinking that he had no one in his life and that I wasn't there for him!" Jessica shouted and fell on the couch.

"What happened?!" Sarah asked her friend confused

"I went to see one of Sam's plays tonight and guess who was there"

"Who?"

"He's thirty years old girlfriend"

"And that's wrong because..."

"Because Sarah all this time I was thinking, maybe I didn't try as much as I should for him, maybe I wasn't there for him, maybe if we were together everything would be different but he clearly moved on and I didn't even know that"

Sarah sighed through her phone, "Jesus Jess... why are you doing this to yourself? What happened, happened. You can't change how things are"

"God... I know..."

"Maybe he needed you but as a friend and you were there for him."

"Was I?"

"You were."

"I just miss him... "

"I know you do... you want me to come over?"

"No, no... I'm fine"

"What does Susan say about it?"

"About what?"

"About what happened tonight"

"Oh, she doesn't know"

"She's not in town?"

"She is..."

"Jess, is everything alright?"

"It's complicated... and I know it is my fault, I distanced my self"

"You're doing this again"

"What?"

"Jesus, when something's bothering you just say it. You've got to talk to her, you know she's there for you no matter what"

"But I don't feel comfortable talking about Sam with Susan"

"But Susan's a big part of your life now. Don't cut her out"

"I am cutting her out, aren't I?"

"You are... you said Sam needed you and you did whatever you could to spend time with him but what about now that Susan needs you?"

Jessica sighed and crossed her legs, she didn't reply. She knew very well that Sarah was right and she already spent so much time thinking about all the things she could do to avoid Sam's end that she forgot about how Susan is feeling.

"Jess... you spent so many years alone because of Sam. Scared to be in a relationship and now you found Susan and I can tell how much you care about her so stop acting like that and just talk to her. Maybe Susan is the only person who can understand you. "

"I know..."

"And can I give you some advice?"

"Sure..." Jessica chuckled

"Start showing to her how much you love her or else you're gonna regret it. You've got to break free"

"Break free?"

"Do things with her that you haven't done. Enjoy every minute when you're with her. I know you, I know that you hate showing off your feelings but you've got to change. For her"

"What should I do?!"

"I don't know... go find her, spend some time with her"

"Well, I'll see what I'm gonna do but thanks" Jessica laughed and stood up.

"I'm in town so maybe we could go out tomorrow"

"I would love that, yeah"

"Good... we'll talk tomorrow then, goodnight"

"Goodnight" she replied and hanged up. Jessica put her phone in her pocket, took her cigarettes and her coat and left her house. Heading to Susan's.