*Jessica's voice*

"I know it's been so long since the last time I wrote, but what could I possibly say, things were going smooth, everything I've ever dreamt of is finally taking shape, a shape of a seventy-two years old woman, with curly red hair, which I must confess isn't so red anymore but in my mind I'll always remember her as she was when we first met, so far different from me and my ideas. Her point of view was remarkable, I never felt more intimate to a person before and while she was mumbling about her work and bragging about all the awards she had in her pocket, I would normally leave but I stayed, feeling strange under her "spell". We were together, with our kids and husbands. It was almost midnight and we were still talking, I've finally found a friend, I remember thinking to myself and even though some of her ideas weren't all so good to me, I knew I just had to accept them, no questions asked, cause no one's gonna put up with me -as Sam used to say- and at that age my friends were all gone, not dead, just gone. That's how I met Susan. Sometimes I wonder, maybe I'm trying to fill some empty spot inside of me with her, sucking in all the affection and kindness she's giving me without asking anything for return, it still puzzles me greatly but then again, I can't be so selfish. All the anger I was feeling, all the pain I have inside of me, it grows bigger every night when we're falling asleep but suddenly like the bird which returns back to the shelter, under the mother's wings, when I see her face, it all fades away. Every morning she wakes up before me, I know it. I feel it and I most certainly hear her. She whispers, how much she loves me and I... not knowing how to respond to that, I just keep pretending that I'm asleep. That's why I hate myself. I did it with Sam and I keep doing it with Susan too. Pretending. I hate that word, I really hate it but sometimes it saves me from myself, if I didn't know how to fake my reactions, well, first of all, I wouldn't be an actress but Susan would have left me the very first day. I went back to my doctor's office last week, after Sam and I split I was swearing to God that I was okay, but nothing lasts forever and as it turns out I've been neglecting myself for so long that something in my head flipped and I found myself panicking with no reason in the middle of the night. Depression. Now here's another word I hate. To cut to the chase, ladose is the solution, one pill every morning and I'll be alright. If I didn't have Susan in my life, I would be living in my apartment, alone with cats, the lazy, crazy, old, cat-lady. The doctor said I should start writing all the things that give me joy, like rainbows, or flowers, as if I'm 15 years old. I made a joke about unicorn's shit and then left. Susan doesn't know anything and I tend to continue like that. I love her, I love her so much that I could die if she asked me to. I don't want her to think that I went crazy now, I know her, she might seem confident and strong but she's a baby, needs a goodnight kiss every night. She even keeps her very first teddy bear in her closet, which I think is cute but I like messing up with her. I don't care losing my mind, but I can't lose her and she's like my kid, I find her watching cat videos on the bed at 2am, laughing. Immediately I'm getting mad at her for waking me but deep inside I'm jealous, jealous of her carelessness, wish I was like her. One day I remember, Hannah read on the news about all the hate towards Susan's face, her political face, people refusing to see her movies, I got scared, imagine if one of them run into her on the street, I couldn't stand the idea of someone hurting her, even if it was just words, and words are hurting you the most, eternal scars in your soul that not even one pill can make the pain go away, so I got dressed as fast as I could and run into her apartment and there she was, taking photos on the balcony, I shouted her name and she looked at me with that stupid smile on her face, making me a sign to shut up and then making me another sign to go to her. I was so confused, she's always on her god damn phone, so I knew she read what they were saying about her but when I got out, I saw a bunch of pigeons eating on top of the table. We stayed there for a few minutes, watching them until I lost my patience and started screaming. "They say birds can cure depression," she said to me "Not when they shit all over your table" I replied. What a fool I was, my baby was right. I could sit for hours, watching the birds, having Susan by my side, holding her hand and playing with her rings, taking them off, one by one and placing them back in the same order as she wears them. No. Birds might cure depression but my depression can get cured by her. Only her. But I'm not letting her see me that way... So, it was Monday..."

"Come on, Jess, we're gonna get late!"

"I'll be there in a minute!" Jessica yelled back at her lover and let the water crash on the sink, she heard Susan's sigh and then opened her bag, careful not to make any sound. She took out her pills and swallowed one without water. Jessica looked herself in the mirror, her mind traveling, her eyes glued on her face, the thought of swallowing as many pills as possible was terrifying her, even that her own self thought something like that. Immediately she zipped her bag and shook her head, recovering from everything that was going on into her head.

Susan was sitting on the couch, with her legs crossed, wearing her glasses that would make the "old" Jessica rush to the couch, and make love to her that very minute but Jessica just looked at her, smiling, "Are you ready to go?"

"I am..." Susan replied and stood up. Bryan, her assistant, has arrived an hour sooner just to help them with their bags and as he was in the car, waiting for the two women, he finally saw them walking out of the building. First Susan got in the car and then Jessica, they weren't talking that much.

It's been a while since Jessica's behavior has changed and Susan was hoping that this trip would finally set things back to normal, she waited for them to reach the destination, thinking that it was a phase they were going through like the rest of the couples in the world. As for Jessica, she was feeling her lover cold towards her, a coldness that wasn't getting away.

No one was talking, no one except Bryan, who was talking non stop, making Jessica laugh and Susan laugh at her, finally the change she was longing was just around the corner, feeling immediately closer to her lover, Susan wrapped her arm around Jessica's shoulder and pulled her into a deep kiss, making her smile, it must've been a week or two since the last time they got so close.

Jessica leaned her head on Susan's shoulder and felt more relaxed by the minute, she was about to fall asleep but they finally got to the airport... Scared of someone looking at them, they did what they had to and then waited for almost half hour before getting on the plane, in the darkest corner they could find, Bryan was still with them and still talking... maybe it was his instincts telling him "Talk you fool!" as he was watching the two women so far from each other, even if they were sitting close.

They got inside the plane, Bryan sat in front of them, leaving Jessica and Susan alone to talk... as he said and as hard as he was trying to listen to what they were saying, both women were sitting in complete silence until he finally fell asleep. Of course, the pill that Jessica gave him an hour before helped a little as he was scared to be on a plane without his husband.

Susan reached Jessica's hand as they were taking off and held her tight, she looked at her with a smile, as they were going on a school trip, and whispered, "I love you..."

"I love you too..."

"Jess, what's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" she chuckled, trying to avoid the talk something that didn't pass unnoticed from Susan, "Nothing... nevermind" Susan replied, maybe a little bit scared of the answer. Sometimes is better to leave things as they are, afraid of the inevitable ending.

"You know..." Susan started, with a smirk on her face, "I heard that you never joined the mile-high club..." she added, "lightening" up the air.

"That is correct" she replied with a smile

"So, you wanna?"

Jessica stood there for a few seconds, thinking. It's not that she didn't want to, after all this time she desired her more than anyone in the world but she couldn't. "I didn't sleep much last night, honey" she finally replied and with that Susan smiled, hearing her being so sweet to her.

"That's okay, sleep all you want now cause when we get there, you're not getting any sleep"

With that Jessica chuckled, "You're so beautiful when you smile"

Jessica looked around, making sure that no one was watching and press her lips on her lover's as a response, before laying her head comfortably on Susan's shoulder. "Jess, I need you..."

"I know..."

"It's been almost two weeks, baby"

"Please, don't..." she whispered and for the very first time, Susan could actually feel how tired her lover was but tired of what? Jessica is always running for things even when it's none of her business, helping Ryan, her kids, everyone but now, she couldn't even lift her hand. "Come on, close your eyes..." she said to her lover and leaned her head back. -She's hiding something-

The night they arrived in their room, Jessica was so wasted that she couldn't even change her clothes, of course, it was her idea to stop by the bar and have a few drinks to celebrate Susan's new movie, even if they already had a drink on that they continued drinking for no reason. Susan stopped after the second drink, knowing that she couldn't handle more she continued watching her lover getting drunk and unable to stop her, she made sure that she would be fine.

It was the perfect excuse for Jessica to somehow avoid, Susan's touch that night until it got out of hand and here they were, "This is the last time you drink, you hear me?" Susan yelled as she pushed her lover on the bed and started undressing her

"Yeah? And who says so?"

"I do! You're destroying yourself, Jessica!"

"Well, I don't need a guardian angel, Susan"

"I can tell, you can't even walk for Christ's sake!"

"Fuck you, you're an asshole, you know that?"

"Excuse me?"

"All I wanted was to celebrate YOUR fucking success and now you're..." suddenly she stopped and rushed to the toilet, at least tried to, as she fell down on the hallway and finally crawled into the toilet to vomit. Susan run behind her, scared and shocked as it was the first time she saw her lover like that. Susan found Jessica collapsed on top of the toilet, with her hands hanging in the air, she picked her up and helped her lay down, trying to take care of a crying mess now, she took a wet towel and pressed it against Jessica's forehead, something to ease her and calm her nerves, "I'm sorry, Sue"

"Hush now, I'm here" Susan replied and sat next to her.

"Yeah, but for how long?" she asked, something that surprised the already suspicioned Susan, "Forever..." she finally replied and stayed there, in the same position, thinking until she fell asleep.

The next morning found Susan, sitting across her lover, wearing her red robe and smoking her eyes were glued on her lover but her mind so far away from her, "Good morning" Jessica whispered while stretching out in the large bed

"How are you?"

"My head hurts but I'll be alright," she said and laughed at herself

"You better be..." Susan said and stood up, "A few people are coming in a while to help me get ready for today" she added and passed in front of Jessica who grabbed Susan's hand, stopping her, "Here they're coming?"

"Yeah, you can go down to the bar if we're bothering you" Susan replied and with that she disappeared into the bathroom to take a shower, and while Jessica was waiting for Susan to appear, inviting her inside, as usual, nothing came from her lover, she even locked the door as if they were strangers.

"Susan, I'm sorry..." Jessica said once Susan walked out of the bathroom, Jessica was now dressed, wearing her glasses and having her hair up in a messy ponytail.

"You're not"

"Susan, look at me"

"What do you want, Jessica?"

"I want you to believe how sorry I am"

"Alright, I believe you and now what happens? You're gonna take your book and not talk to me? Do you realize how hard this is for me? I'm with you and it feels like I'm not! Every time I try to touch you, you avoid it, not even a kiss, Jess! I'm talking to you and you just stare at me like a fool! So yeah, I know how sorry you are for getting wasted but this is not even the biggest problem..." she sighed and calmer now she continued, "I don't know what's going on with you, I thought I knew you but as it turns out I don't and you don't let me help you. Jess, I love you and whatever it is we're gonna get through this together"

*Jessica's voice*

"And once again I let my body do the talking, just a single kiss on her soft neck was enough to make her shiver under my touch, this time it wasn't about me, it was all her, everything I did was to make her feel good, she deserved it and it was my only way of showing how much I love her cause no words were coming out of my mouth. When we were done, a few people came to do her make-up and hair and I kept licking my lips, just to keep her taste in my mouth as long as I could, cause that taste was never enough. I forgot her smell, the way she screamed in anticipation and everything she said was true. My doctor said that it will be hard in the beginning, he told me that sex won't be so interesting anymore and I laughed, mainly cause I was trying to hide that I was seeing someone and then again because I was trying to make him sure that I wasn't crazy. I blame Sam for this, for making me believe that depression is the same as being crazy but it's gonna take me a while to learn, I'm 70, who can still learn at this age? My eyes were glued on her that morning, and glued on that fucking guy who made my beautiful lover look like a zombie, it took me an hour to make him change the eye shadow. Susan's eyes are far from magical, I don't think there's even a word to describe them, big eyes, with so many things to say, she's laughing and her eyes are laughing along, even if she's not talking I know what she's thinking from her eyes. In the evening, after I took my pill and while I was walking around the room with my glass filled with vodka in my hand I finally sat outside on the balcony. Toronto... it's funny, I've been to Toronto and even though I wasn't out it was like I was there for the very first time. The pills are making me feel a little strange but the doctor said that this is how I must feel, so got to trust that son of a bitch, got to trust him with my life. Susan sent me a photo of her, dressed now, I wonder if she realizes how beautiful she is? Maybe not. We're staying here for two more days, and when I thought of this suddenly I panicked, two more days away from my house, and Susan is always out leaving me alone, only with a pen and a notebook to write. That night she came to the room just to find me sleeping, I took another pill just to sleep and mixed with alcohol... boy, I was sleeping till noon, not to mention that Susan was already gone again by the time I woke up, the only thing that reminded me that we went together were her clothes, scattered around the room. She always does that, it's like the dogs, peeing all over the place just to mark their "territory" well, this is Susan, except, she doesn't pee, thank god, she just scatters her things around the room, you may even find her bra out on the balcony or hanging from the lamp. At first, I thought she was doing that just because she's always in a hurry, but after a few months, I came to the conclusion that Susan is so unorganized that it's hysterical. She's gonna be here in a while, thank you for keeping me company. J.L."

Susan lowered the notebook and with tears running down from her cheek she placed it back in Jessica's suitcase, along with the pills, she secretly found. Susan looked at her lover, sleeping, next to her was an empty glass of vodka, but now she knew, everything was making sense, she knew that Jessica would get upset if Susan revealed her that she read her notes so she was determined to keep that secret until the day that Jessica would finally talk to her.

Calmer now, Susan crawled next to her lover and hugged her, all this time she was angry, ready to pick up a fight with her without realizing what she was going through, she kissed her head and with that Jessica opened her eyes, "You came?" she whispered, "waking" Susan up as she was now lost in her own world

"Yeah, an hour ago"

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Jess, did you eat today?"

"No..."

"Well, how about we order something now? We could watch some tv..."

Jessica smiled and even though she wasn't that hungry she nodded. Susan ordered spaghetti and almost everything else that was left as it was already 12:00 and then stood up, "I'm gonna get a shower" she said and smiled, "Alright..."

"You wanna come?" Susan smirked and winked

"I would love to... but what if the room service comes?"

"Oh, yeah, you're right" Susan replied with a smile, "Okay, I'm just gonna take a quick shower then and I'll be right back, don't fall asleep" she added making Jessica chuckle.

Jessica was laying on the bed watching tv when her lover came out, wearing her pajamas. "What are you doing?" she asked and sat next to her lover.

"I'm watching... I don't know what exactly but it's funny"

"You mind if I turned it off?"

"Sure..." she replied and turned off the tv, placing the remote on the nightstand next to her, "So how was your day?"

"Tiring but I enjoyed every bit of it, wish you were there with me like we were when we did feud"

"But I'm here now, isn't that something?"

"I'm sorry for leaving you alone"

"Don't worry about it, I'm used to it"

"Loneliness?"

"Yeah..." she replied and laughed. Suddenly they heard someone knocking on the door, Susan got up and let the young man walk inside with their food after she tipped him, he left closing the door behind.

"Come on, let's eat"

With that, Susan took the pasta in her hands and returned back to her seat, placing it in front of Jessica who was smiling, "You wanna eat on the bed?"

"Why not? We're on vacations, we can do anything we want plus we're not cleaning this up after" she said and both laughed. Susan started feeding Jessica as if she was a kid, making her smile, "What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing, I just like taking care of you, you're gonna eat and then I'm gonna make sure you'll sleep"

"Jesus and tomorrow you're gonna wake me up for school?" she joked making Susan give her a look and then laugh. "You know, Eva called me today"

"Oh, and?"

"And she's pregnant again," Susan said and waited for Jessica's reaction, "Oh, my God, really?" Jessica asked with her mouth filled

"Yeah, I'm gonna have another grandkid"

"Honey, that's great..." she replied with a smile tattooed on her face, "I know, I can't believe my baby is having another baby"

"Imagine how happy Marlowe and Major are"

"Eva told me that they already fight about in whose room the baby's gonna sleep"

With that Jessica chuckled, "God... that's really wonderful"

"Yeah..." Susan said and raised the fork, "Sue, I'm done"

"But I ordered so many things"

"Well, aren't you hungry?"

"I am... but not so much" she said and placed the plate back on the tray, "So what do you wanna do now?"

"I don't know, watch something till we fall asleep?"

"That sounds boring but okay..."Susan said and got under the blanket, squizzing her lover who was trying to reach the remote while laughing, Jessica opened the tv and made herself more comfortable into her lover's hug. Susan placed a kiss on Jessica's cheek and closed her eyes, "I'm sorry, Sue"

"For what?"

"For everything, I'm putting you through, for not talking to you."

"Did I do something?" she asked although she knew very well what was going on

"No, of course not."

"It's okay, it's just a phase"

"Yeah..."

"I just missed you so much. I miss your smile, your touch, your body"

"But I'm here"

"You're not, Jess"

Jessica glanced up to look at her lover and leaned closer, she pulled her into a deep kiss, something that surprised her lover who stopped and started nibbling Jessica's earlobe, she moved her kisses down on her neck and her exposed cleavage. Jessica immediately felt more relaxed under her lover's touch and closed her eyes. Susan took that action as a reply to her touch and continued her actions, her hands started traveling all over Jessica's body as she snicked them under her blouse and massaged softly her breasts, which elicited a throaty moan from her lover.

For a minute Susan thought of stoping, she didn't want Jessica to feel uncomfortable but it was just a passing thought as Jessica was getting more eager. Slowly now, Susan got under the blanket and tried to remove Jessica's pants along with her panties, throwing them on the floor, she started kissing her inner thighs making Jessica arch her back.

Finally, Susan buried her face into Jessica's legs and heard her lover's moans getting louder.

Susan continued her actions as if she was hungry, sucking Jessica's wetness. Her nose, resting perfectly on Jessica's clit, making the pleasure greater. Jessica reached for Susan's hair and started stroking her softly until she reached her climax and grabbed her hair with force.

Susan was waiting to hear her lover's voice, guiding her, telling her what she wanted but for the very first time, Jessica let it all up to her, after so long Susan knew exactly how to please her woman.

"Ahhh... Susan!" Jessica finally shouted and came on her lover's mouth, gasping for air. Susan took one final taste of her lover and kissed her way up to meet Jessica's lips, giving her a peck on her lips, Jessica smiled and capped her face, kissing Susan's nose, "It was wonderful"

"I love you" Susan replied and collapsed on top of Jessica's body.

"You're all I have" Jessica whispered and closed her eyes, running her fingertips on Susan's forehead and hair.

Susan closed her eyes, trying really hard not to tell her lover everything she knows, she kept thinking for hours until finally both of them fell asleep.