also i'm going to recommend listening to "Goodnight Goodnight" by Maroon 5 because it's so filled with emotions and oh my god... i just love it. "The room was silent as we all tried so hard to remember/ The way it feels to be alive the day that he first met her" and "I'm sorry, I did not mean it, to hurt my little girl/ It's beyond me, I cannot carry, the weight of a heavy world/ So, goodnight(x 9), hope that things work out alright" are just some of the lyrics and fuck :')

flashback- 5 months ago

Sebastian sighed as he moved his arm so that it could be my pillow while a small smile formed on his face. He giggled lightly as I cuddled the side of my face farther into his bicep while taking slow and steady breaths. The two of us had just finished a few eventful rounds of sex, and I mean eventful. At one point I even had my toned, cuddly Romanian handcuffed to the headboard while I got an intense workout. But don't get me wrong- it was well worth it and fully deserved on my end.

"Oh my god," Sebastian sighed as a wide, lazy smile spread across his face. He turned his head so his gaze could fall upon me, showing me that his eyes had changed completely. They radiated softness, laziness, and no longer lust- just love. The sky blue of his irises portrayed feelings that I knew he only had for me, and the smile that formed on his face showed me that I must've been giving off similar emotions, as well.

I giggled as I softly nipped at the skin on his bicep. "I couldn't help myself," I whispered as I smirked playfully at him.

His eyes lit up as a cocky grin overtook his face while he studied me. "I fucking love you," Sebastian murmured as he twirled his fingers lazily through my hair. I smiled softly in response as he massaged his fingers through my tangled, wild hair, causing me to bite my lip as I stifled a moan. After a few moments of us lying there, Sebastian's expression changed into one of sincerity and seriousness while also giving off strong aspects of love and admiration.

I raised an eyebrow as I buried the side of my face farther into his bicep. "What?" I giggled as I nipped at the skin of his bicep once again.

Sebastian's eyes moved to my mouth for a moment before meeting mine once again. He offered me a meaningful smile, one that offered me mass amounts of love even though it was a small, simple gesture. "Thank you," he whispered as he stopped massaging my scalp momentarily.

I raised an eyebrow in confusion. "For fucking you?" I giggled before placing a small kiss on his bicep.

Sebastian chuckled while closing his eyes. His body laughed with him as his chest rose and fell from laughter, and his arm shook, as well, as his figure shook. "No," he giggled as his eyes opened to meet mine. "But I should be thanking you for that, too," he joked with a wink.

I rolled my eyes and nipped a little more harshly at his exposed skin, causing him to let out a sharp exhale of breath as a, um, tent formed around his waist from beneath the blankets. "Someone's ready for round five," I joked as I winked at him, causing him to roll his eyes playfully in response.

"After I say what I'm about to say," Sebastian murmured with a sly smirk. He studied me for a few moments as I watched him, and I noticed that his eyes had changed to a darker shade of blue from the arousal coursing through him. "Thank you for quitting," he whispered as a small smile formed on his face.

I offered him a wide smile as I took my hand and held it above his face, causing him to roll his eyes and chuckle. I spread my fingers apart into the Spock symbol from Star Trek as I murmured, "And I promise I'll never get back on that shit again."

Sebastian's eyes met mine, still crinkled from laughter. "I believe you," he mumbled as he held up his hand to form the Spock symbol, as well. "But we really need to find a reference from Star Wars to use as our promise gesture," he joked.

I giggled and moved my hand down to rest on his chest, causing him to chuckle as he placed his freehand on top of mine. "But you know how obsessed I am with Zachary Quinto as Spock," I pouted before placing a small kiss on his bicep.

Sebastian smirked at me as he mumbled, "More like I know how obsessed you are with Zachary Quinto in general."

I giggled as I rolled my eyes. "You know me so well," I murmured as I moved my hand lazily across his chest while dragging his hand along with mine. His eyes crinkled as he smiled, and the two of us sat there for a few moments just gazing at one another lovingly. This moment, as silent as it was, was what I always wanted to be- so daringly in love with Sebastian that I was addicted to him instead of the drug that had controlled my life a little over a month ago. His scent intoxicated me, especially the smell of the two of us after having loving, intense intercourse. His body drew me in so seductively that I couldn't contain myself when I was around him. Sebastian, in general, just seduced me with his love for me- with his admiration, his lust, his addiction for me. I loved him now more than ever, I realized, and I knew he felt it, too. "I promise, Sebastian," I whispered as I stopped my hand momentarily and grasped his within mine. "I love you too much to hurt you like that again."

Sebastian smiled a wide, emotional smile at me as his eyes welled up momentarily with tears. "I know, Y/n," he murmured as he brought both of our hands to his lips and placed a small kiss on mine. "But I want you doing this for you, not only for me," he whispered reassuringly.

I placed a slow, wet kiss on his bicep while remaining eye contact with him. "I quit for both of us, Love," I murmured as I smiled a small smile. "I want to be around as long as I can, and I want my time to be spent with you."

Sebastian smiled a heartfelt smile as he held up the Spock symbol once again, and I placed my palm against his as I offered him the same gesture. "I love you," Sebastian murmured as a stray tear slid down his cheek, coating the pillow in a small pool.

My eyes watered from watching him cry, causing me to giggle as my tears trickled down his bicep. "I love you, too, Seb," I murmured as I clasped his hand within mine. "And I'll never stop loving you."

present- two months after accidental overdose

"Wow," Danny, the curator for my addiction counseling group, murmured as he rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm so glad you finally opened up to us today, Y/n," he said reassuringly. "And on your last day, too."

I smiled softly in response as I gazed at the group members around me. All of us were sitting in a circle, like always, and everyone always sat in the same spots. I sat between TJ and Billy, two fellow recovering heroin addicts, and I sat across from Danny who always prompted me to speak up. But I never could. It just hurt too much to talk about how I had driven Sebastian to do that to me. That was my fault, not his. I had made him stab the syringe into me, not him. And I knew he blamed himself, but I hadn't spoken to him for almost the entirety of the time I've been in counseling. Everyday, he came here and sat outside of the room waiting for me. Everyday, as soon as I walked out of the room, he would stand up and apologize to me over and over, but I wouldn't respond. I would continue my walk down the hall towards the exit as he trailed me, begging for my forgiveness and begging for me to love him again. There was nothing to forgive him for, and I still did love him, but I needed to go through this by myself. I needed to go through my recovery without a shoulder to lean on when I craved the drug more than ever- this was my hell to go through, not his. This was my beating to go through, not his. And I felt terrible for not speaking to him, but I just couldn't. I couldn't do it just quite yet.

After my stay at the hospital for a few days, I had opted to get my own apartment and live in solace for a while. Sebastian had begged me to stay with him, and he even kept repeating over and over that he loved me, but I couldn't put my troubles on him- not again. Every day I went to therapy, and every day he was there waiting for me. Some days he didn't even say anything. He would simply walk out the door with me and make sure I made it to my car safely. I still loved Sebastian immensely, I really did and still do, but I needed this time for myself. I didn't know how long it would be, but I knew I needed all the time I could get to reflect on my actions. And I'm sorry to anyone and everyone I hurt, I really am. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through this pain, and I'm sorry for dragging you along during the process of my self destruction. I hope you can forgive me.

I walked out of the room with a newfound strength within me. The session that had just taken place would forever be my last, I promised myself that. I felt free; I felt slightly more confident in myself that I could survive the withdrawals.

I turned the corner down the hall towards the exit and saw Sebastian sitting in his same chair as always, gazing upon me with a look of hope that was filled with sorrow. As he was standing up, I shook my head, causing him to sit back down, and I sat beside him.

"Hi," I whispered as I offered him a small smile. Tears welled within his eyes, and soon the large, muscular man beside me was crying.

"Hi," Sebastian whimpered while wiping his eyes to stop the tears from flowing. The blue of his eyes shone brightly because of the saddened waters glazing his irises, and he looked beautiful. He looked smaller, however. His cheeks looked dragged down, and he looked thinner. I had done this to him...I had broken Sebastian Stan.

I wrapped my arms around him and he responded with the same gesture as he cried into my shoulder, causing tears to well in my eyes as I rubbed his back reassuringly. "Shh," I cooed as Sebastian continued to whimper into my shoulder. "Nothing's your fault, Sebastian. It's all mine."

Sebastian sniffled as he brought his face away from my shoulder. "I did that to you, Y/n," he whimpered as his face screwed up as he sobbed even harder. "I put you in the fucking hospital."

I shook my head slowly as I clasped my hand within his. "I did that to myself, Sebastian," I murmured. "If I never fucked my life up with heroin, we wouldn't be in this situation."

Sebastian sniffled as he wiped his nose with his freehand. "I'm sorry," he whimpered as he bit his lip to keep from crying. The two of us sat in silence for a while as we studied each other. The silence wasn't awkward- it was sorrowful. Emotions filled the air between us as we gazed into each other's eyes, and it's all I wanted- at least, for now. I still loved him, but I knew what I had to do, even though it would hurt him more than I ever could dream of.

"It's my last day," I whispered with a small smile. Sebastian's facial expression changed to offer me a small smile in response as he nodded his head slowly. "Sebastian," I whispered seriously, causing him to raise an eyebrow. I took a deep breath before murmuring, "I need to do this on my own- at least for now."

Sebastian's emotions radiated through his expression as his face screwed into sorrowful confusion. "What?" he croaked out as more tears threatened to leave his eyes. "But, Y/n," he whimpered as he leaned closer to me. "They said-"

"I know what the hospital said," I murmured while interrupting him. "But I'm going away, Sebastian. I don't know where I'm going, but I need to get out of here." I took a short pause as I studied him, and I noticed that his face was still giving off sorrowful emotions while also giving off brief moments of understanding. "And I need to do this by myself."

Sebastian closed his eyes and nodded his head slowly. "How long will you be gone?" he whispered as he opened his eyes to meet mine.

A stray tear slid down my cheek as I smiled softly at him. "I don't know," I mumbled as I wiped my nose. "But I don't want you to wait for me, Seb. Please, don't wait for me."

Sebastian sat up straighter in his seat as tears spilled from his eyes. "But I love you, Y/n," he murmured in disbelief. "How the fuck could I find someone else when the only person I could ever love as much as I do now is you?"

I smiled softly as I dabbed at the tears leaking from my eyes with my finger. "Just promise me you won't wait for me, Seb," I murmured as I squeezed his hand pleadingly. "Promise me you won't let me stop you from being happy."

Sebastian bit his lip while trying to stop the tears from flowing. "I'll miss you," he murmured as he studied me. "And I'll never stop loving you," he added on as he squeezed my hand softly. Sebastian paused for a brief moment while offering me a small smile, causing me to smile a little wider in response. "But I want you to be happy, Y/n," he whispered. "I love you."

I smiled widely as I wrapped my arms around him while tears spilled onto his shirt from myself. Sebastian cried in response, as well, while his face buried itself in my shoulder once again. I don't know how long the two of us sat like that, but it was enough for me to realize that he meant everything he said and everything left unsaid. My lover, even if we were no longer romantically involved, was my best friend and always would be. Sebastian loved me, and I loved him even harder back, but I knew what I had to do. And I did it. And it was a blessing.

three years later- Puerto Rico

Walking towards the beach while wearing my navy blue bikini had become an everyday occurrence since I've been here. When I initially left the states, I had gotten rid of my phone while boarding my plane to France. I hadn't stayed in France long, and after France I had gone to Australia. I had stayed in France for about three months and then finished out the year in Australia, and that's when I decided to go to Puerto Rico. While in France, I had bought myself an iPad and a camera so I could document my journey through photos while also keeping up with current events. I had also bought earbuds so I had music to listen to while I was in my hotel room at night, and I had brought all of it with me to Australia and then to Puerto Rico.

I carried my iPad under my arm with my earbuds wrapped around it while I carried my towel under my other arm with my camera slung over my shoulder. It was the same process I had been going through for two years; every morning I would head down to the beach and lie down and listen to music while occasionally taking pictures of those around me.

I laid my towel down on the sand and set my iPad on it along with my camera. I then laid my body down and put the earbuds in my ears as I scrolled through songs. Sometime after I had been lying down for a while, I felt a light breeze beside me along with a towel partially tapping me on the face.

"Hello," I cooed as I removed one of the earbuds from my ear while opening my eyes.

Rowan flashed me a wide smile as he sat beside me while placing his laptop on his lap. "What's up, Lindsay Lohan?" he joked while winking at me. Rowan was my only friend here in Puerto Rico, and coincidentally the two of us were both escaping our pasts by being here. He frequently called me Lindsay Lohan as a joke because of my heroin addiction, but it made me laugh because I always called him something else in response.

"Nothin' really," I responded. "How 'bout you, Stormy Daniels?"

Rowan chuckled and shook his head while logging into his laptop. "You always know how to get me hard," he joked back while winking dramatically at me. I giggled in response and swatted him on the arm. Rowan, two years ago, had left Los Angeles to get out of the porn industry. It didn't surprise me when he had told me that he had been a pornstar considering how beautiful he was, and it didn't surprise me either when he said the only porn he had been in involved him either being a "step brother" or a "frisky boyfriend" with a female counterpart. He had gotten into the industry because he had been recruited, and also because he had desperately needed the money for college. But he never went to college anyway because the contract he had signed didn't allow him much, um, free time to do as he pleased, as ironic as it sounds. He wanted to go to college for English and writing, but once he realized that he'd never be able to because of his contract, he gathered up his belongings and boarded a plane to Puerto Rico. Everyday at the beach, the two of us would meet in the same spot and talk for hours while he wrote more of a book he was working on. I would frequently take pictures with my camera of the ocean or of those who were near us, and occasionally the two of us would listen to music together in silence. Don't get me wrong, I kinda forced him to get checked for STDs before I let the man a year younger than me use my earbuds. He had reassured me that that's not how STDs work, but I made him get checked anyway, and surprisingly my sexed-up friend had none. I guess he was right when he said the "industry" took care of you.

"Just trying to figure out what to do from here," Rowan murmured as he motioned towards the PDF showing on his laptop screen. "I'm having writers block, unfortunately."

I patted his towel in response, causing him to lay down and set his laptop to the side. I laid my iPad in between us and handed him a earbud which he then placed within his ear. Rowan adjusted his sunglasses while I scrolled through songs, and the two of us laughed in unison at my choice of "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5.

Rowan giggled, "Beautiful choice."

I giggled and turned my head to look at him, causing him to turn towards me, as well. "I figured it'd help you get out of your head a little," I chuckled.

Rowan laughed in response and turned his head to where his face was facing the sun and I did the same. He began moving his head, neck, and shoulders to the music jokingly while I laughed and followed suit. He also began moving his hips in thrusting, rhythmic motions as he mouthed out the lyrics with a wide smile on his face, causing me to giggle while taking a picture of him. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have feelings for him, and I'd also be lying if I said that I didn't know he had similar feelings for me, but I enjoyed the two of us as we were. At least, I told myself I did. I wanted more, but I wanted to take my time with him. And also I just wanted him to ask me out because I've never done that before and it scares me.

"Oh," Rowan exclaimed as he glanced at the camera within my hands that was facing him. "It's almost like I'm a pornstar again with the camera right in my face," he joked while pulling his sunglasses down and winking at me.

I rolled my eyes while giggling and sat up. "You're an idiot," I giggled as I took another picture of him.

Rowan smirked while pulling his sunglasses back to their original spot. "But you still love me," he murmured before biting his lip with a smirk still prominent on his face.

I bit my lip dramatically while holding my mouth open, feigning ecstasy. "I love you," I moaned as I pulled my sunglasses off my face and flipping my hair, "almost like a step brother."

Rowan cringed and covered his face with his hands. "Just when I thought I was good at flirting again," he fake cried as he shook his head.

I giggled before gazing around at what surrounded me, and he sat up beside me. "I love vacationers," I murmured as I held up my camera to take a picture of a little boy to the right of us who was building a sand castle with his father.

Rowan giggled as he responded, "I'm surprised we haven't gotten kicked off of the beach yet considering you're always taking pictures of people with their children without their consent."

I swatted him on the arm before saying, "It's probably because they know you're a celebrity and know you're, like, royalty or some shit in the porn industry."

Rowan groaned dramatically in response while I turned to my left to find another good picture to take. I found a family a little ways away from us with the father holding a baby while the mother fed the other baby, causing me to smile to myself. I held the camera up to my eyes and zoomed in slightly on the father rocking the baby back and forth, and that's when he looked at me. He stopped rocking the baby back and forth while pulling his sunglasses on top of his head, and the entire time he was giving me a look of confusion along with a look of disbelief.

"Holy shit," I whispered as I lowered the camera from my face.

"What?" Rowan asked as he followed my gaze.

The man holding the baby slowly held up a Spock symbol with his freehand, causing tears to well in my eyes as I slowly held it up in response. He widely smiled in response, causing me to giggle as tears spilled from my eyes. Sebastian had moved on from me, and he had gotten married and had, what looked to be, twin babies. My old lover, my best friend, had gotten himself a family. I thought I had loved Sebastian before, but now was much different. Now was a new kind of love; now was a love filled with friendship, understanding, excitement, memories, gratefulness, and so many more emotions I could go on and on about.

Sebastian slowly lowered his hand and I did the same, and then I softly waved at him. He waved back before going back to rocking his baby back and forth while cooing something in its ear, and I watched him for a few minutes before turning back to Rowan who had taken his sunglasses of at one point.

"Who's that?" Rowan asked with a raised eyebrow as he gazed between my ex-lover behind me and myself.

I softly smiled as a tear slid down my cheek. "An old friend," I murmured as I placed a hand on top of Rowan's. My feelings for Rowan elevated immensely and I knew why. It was because I had closure; I had closure on a relationship that had ended without ending at the same time. Sebastian was in love and had a family, and I knew what I had to do. And I did it. And it was a blessing.

I squeezed Rowan's hand softly as I murmured with a soft smile, "Would you like to go on a date with me?"

hello everyone! i've been meaning to write this for days but never had the time do, and i'm immensely sorry!

i know y'all are probably pissed that you didn't end up with Seb, but it's for a good reason. i hope you can all understand i tried to make this realistic, and i hope you can all understand that Y/n needed to get out of where she was and find herself again, and Rowan helped her. Seb also helped, constantly being on her mind and all, but once she saw that he was happy- she found a new sense of happiness within herself. i hope you all enjoyed, and there are more imagines and requests to come!