*TRIGGER WARNING: Vivid descriptions of anxiety and panic attacks*

Suffocating.

That's how you would describe the feeling in your chest.

Your lungs tried in vain to fill with clean air essential to life, only to be met with tight, raspy breaths. Your hand flew to your heart, as if the warmth would slow the ever increasing thumps against your ribcage. You wanted to shout, to alert somebody- anybody- of your situation. But, alas, your words remained in your throat, the desperate cries making the entirety of your neck burn. Your vision began to blur, the moonlight seeping through the blinds to your room contoring from smooth lines to psychedelic swirls mixing with the navy blue darkness that weighed the shadows of the room.

The darkness made it worse. Your slight wheezing turned to desperate gasps as the blackened air turned to water, drowning your brain in fuzzy worries and deranged thoughts.

You have never been able to describe a panic attack. When your friend's eyes would light up with curiosity, and the simple question would slip through their lips, all you would ever answer with was a shrug and an, "Awful, I guess." But now, as the shadows seemed to infect your veins, you could finally think of words to describe the horrible experience of an anxiety disorder's doings.

Suffocating. Like you're drowning in the bathtub, where you could so easily stand, yet you continue to inhale water in place of oxygen. Like the walls begin to shrink and shrivel like a flower closing it's petals, a beautiful death consuming it as it wilts.

Anxiety had a beautiful way of capturing it's victims. It would arrive when you were unsuspecting, alone. Then it would curl it's fingers around your throat to constrict your voice, making its way through your body to silently consume you- an elegant and simple way to claim one's brain.

The darkness blackened even more from its already colorless state, and in a blind effort, you shoved a hand onto your nightstand to find your phone. Thankfully, it sat fairly close to where you originally reached. You scrambled to turn it on, the brightness of the screen creating a heavenly flow of light through the dark consuming your vision. You hastily unlocked it, dialing the first number you thought to.

Sebastian.

He picked up three rings later, his groggy voice whimpering out a smooth, "Hello?"

"Seb." You breathed, his voice alone helping you regain yours. "Help me."

"Its, okay. It's okay, I'm on my way right now." His voice was stronger now, but still soft and comforting. You heard the rustling of sheets as he got up, then loud, fast footsteps on wooden floors before a door opened and shut. "I'm getting in the car, just talk to me, (Y/N)."

"I-I can... I can't..." You wheezed again, a headache beginning to manifest itself at the base of your skull. You squeezed your eyes shut, willing for the pain to subside.

"Yes you can." He said softly, "Just focus on my voice. Breathe in, hold it, and out. Tell me what you're thinking, what you see." Worry overtook his thoughts as he sped down the street. This happened too often. Too many times he has had to race to your house in the middle of the night. Of course, he was glad to help you no matter what. But, he couldn't help but think these attacks were something more, something that wasn't just from stress at work. He scoffed at that thought, shaking his head as he thought back to your therapist's words.

"It's just your stress, (Y/N)." Mr. Mills, your 'trained phychiatrist', told you.

Bull. Shit.

"Are you still there?" Sebastian said, slamming on the brake as he arrived at your doorstep.

"Yes." You squeaked through a tight throat, hearing your front door open and close, Sebastian's footsteps and ragged breathing growing louder as he ran to your room.

He immediately sat next to you, pulling you into his embrace. His fingers ran over your scalp, stopping at the slight pressure point on the back of your neck, trying to soothe you. Your body shook in his arms as you focused on breathing.

And although you could now describe the sensation of a panic attack, you could never explain why HE was always the one to calm you.

Your nose buried into his shirt, trying to avoid breathing in the liquified air, turning to the light scent that Sebastian possessed. It almost felt like surfacing from the bottom of a deep pool after forgetting to breathe before you jumped.

And, all at once, the tears began.

Every emotion was being released through your sobs, all of the fear melting away to confusion and emptiness. You didn't understand why you kept having attacks. Why were they suddenly happening so often? You had given Sebastian a key to your house when they became a weekly occurrence.

"I've got you. You're safe, I'm here." He whispered into your hair, his hand still running through it. He gently rocked you back and forth, holding you tightly to him. His heart broke into pieces as you cried. He struggled himself with anxiety and panic attacks, and knowing that you had to suffer through that pain was something he found hard to accept. You were happy, a free spirit with a love for life, and yet there was this ugly disorder that would surprise you with its presence in the odd hours of the night. Anxiety is a bitch, and it clung to your mind with all the strength it had.

You began to calm down, focusing on the warmth of Sebastian and the soft words he spoke. You could feel yourself become more grounded with every whisper. It was like magic, the way he would calm you down. You knew it probably wasn't healthy, having someone else be the thing that calms you down best after an attack. But, you couldn't pinpoint why. Why was it him? Why couldn't it be a song, or a hobby, even a TV show? Your hope was placed into a man that could easily decide to pack up and leave your life forever, without any hesitation. That is what you used as a grounding mechanism. 

And it was terrifying.

Sebastian had been your friend for years. You had met in college and everything just clicked. He was one of the sweetest, most down-to-earth people you had ever met, and you were one of the most fun-loving and authentically real people he had ever known. There was a high respect and admiration that was shared between the two of you, so it wasn't long before you were best friends. He was always there for you, and you for him. You were so proud of all of his achievements in life, with acting and following his dreams. His hard work and determination was something you hoped to reach one day.

It was only a year ago when you had started to develop feelings for him. It was like a switch went off in your head. You had always looked at him as a friend, as someone that would always be there, someone you loved platonically, but nothing more. You couldn't say exactly when that changed to a romantic interest, but you knew it was more than platonic when you caught yourself staring. He was watching the TV on the sofa next to you, and you turned to crack a joke, only to be caught off guard by the way his eyes sparkled in the light leaking through the window, the way his nose turned up ever so slightly, the way his lips laid comfortably in a small smile, the way his jawline flexed slightly. You wanted to reach out and touch him in that moment, and had to shake your thoughts away. You looked forward, confused as to why butterflies invaded your stomach, but deep down you knew, and couldn't accept it.

You liked Sebastian Stan.

It was scary at first, realizing that you had begun falling in love with your best friend. He was someone you couldn't see life without, someone who was so present in your daily routine that imagining him being gone left an empty feeling in your heart. He was the first person you talked to every morning, the person you would send screenshots of posts and tweets to, the person you went to the movies with when a new and exciting movie came out. He was there when no one else was. At the end of the day, take away everything you own, all that is left is you and him. That is the kind of person you couldn't ever lose. Losing him would be the end of your world. So, you kept your feelings deep inside, trying to ignore how they grew and grew, trying to fight the urge to blurt them out whenever he smiled. You fought them everyday, and would continue fighting if it meant you could keep Sebastian in your life.

He continued to whisper sweet words of encouragement to you even when you had stopped crying. He didn't make any attempt to move until you began to pick up your head. He loosened his grip enough so he could look into your red-rimmed eyes, one of his hands reaching to rest on your cheek.

"How ya feeling, sweetheart?" He said quietly, his thumb brushing lightly across your cheek.

"I'm so sorry." You answered, completely ignoring his question. You always felt so embarrassed whenever he had to come help you, even though you had no other choice but to call him.

"Don't apologize." He said quickly. "(Y/n), you know I don't mind this. at. all. I would swim the ocean to get to you. Hell, I would try to count the stars if you asked. You don't need to apologize. I'm only doing the least you deserve."

Your eyes welled up with tears again, "Seb, I don't know what's wrong with me." He was quick to wipe away a stray tear that escaped onto your cheek.

"Nothing's wrong, I promise. I know what you're thinking, I've been there, and I can promise you that nothing's wrong. Sometimes, life just gets to you, or sometimes your brain just sucks at being a brain for a bit, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong. You're not alone in this, and I can tell you right now that I will do anything in my power to help you get through whatever it is that's been causing these." He sighed deeply and looked into your eyes. "You don't deserve any of this, but life only gives you what you can handle, and I know your strength and happiness is able to outshine any negative feelings you might have. You're one of the most loving and joyful people I know, (Y/N), and if anyone can deal with dark, twisted thoughts and live to tell the tale, it's you."

You buried your head back into his chest, trying to keep yourself from crying again.

"Sebastian, you're too good for this world." You said softly.

"And yet, you make me a better person everyday." He hugged you a little tighter. You smiled sweetly, enjoying his embrace and letting his words repeat through your thoughts.

*time skip brought to you by Bucky using fridge magnets and his arm to display his mood to everyone, today it says 'ANGY'*

You rubbed your eyes as you made your way down your steps to the ground level of your house. It was a small town house, with the kitchen and living/dining room on the bottom level and the bedroom upstairs. Although it was small, it was perfect for you, since you were by yourself.

You smiled at the smell of coffee in the air, knowing a fresh pot had just been brewed. You turned the corner into the kitchen and saw Sebastian sitting on the counter, legs crossed, a book in his hand a coffee mug beside him. A full, hot pot of coffee sat on the counter opposite him.

"Goodmorning." You said softly, a small smile on your face. He was just simply adorable in the most mundane ways.

He looked up from his book and smiled brightly, "How did you sleep?" He asked, placing the novel behind him on the counter.

"Better than I thought I would." You answered honestly, knowing he would be able to see through your lies. He smiled at the floor, taking your words in and feeling a tiny bit of pride, knowing he was able to help you the night before. He would do anything he could to make sure you were okay, and it was nice knowing that his efforts weren't fruitless.

"Thank you again, Sebastian," you said, your back to him as you grabbed the coffee pot and filled your mug, "I can't even imagine being alone during times like that. I have no clue how you are able to do it."

Sebastian had always been open with you on his struggles with anxiety. He was very good at staying in tune with his emotions, and had no problem expressing them to you. Not only was it healthy for him to share and release them every so often, but he also was able to give you tips on dealing with your similar emotions. The only difference between the two of you was his ability to ground himself and find coping mechanisms when he felt uneasy. You hadn't had the chance to explore those roads yet.

"It takes time, lots of time." He said simply, jumping down from his perch. He leaned himself against the counter beside you, crossing his arms against his chest. "It took me years to be able to ground myself. There's so much bouncing around your brain in a time like that, that it's hard to think clearly." His eyes were on you while he talked, but you were focused on your coffee, slowly stirring it.

It made you sad and quite frankly, a little uncomfortable, to talk about your episodes. They were something you would much rather shrug off and forget ever happened. 

"I'll get there one day." You ended your sentence with a tight lipped smile, your eyes flickering up to his. You hoped he would end the conversation there.

You didn't expect him to reach his arms out and pull you into a hug. You head rested perfectly under his chin, your arms slowly snaking around his waist. He held you close by your shoulders, slightly squeezing you.

"I'll be here every step of the way." He whispered. You could've cried right then and there. He was always so goddammed sweet to you, it always felt like you didn't deserve him. Every time he went out of his way to make sure you were happy, you wanted nothing more than to tell him how much you cared for him and how thankful you were for him. But, nerves always took over. You would never have the courage to tell him how you really feel.

"Let me make you breakfast, because I know you have probably been living off of Resee's Puffs and pizza rolls." He said as he let you go, walking towards your fridge. His joking was able to lighten the mood.

"Talk shit about pizza rolls and I swear to everything holy, you will be kicked out." You threatened, causing Sebastian to laugh.

"You couldn't kick me out if you tried. We both know you would miss me too much." He smirked, raising a suggestive eyebrow. You were slightly taken aback, but didn't let it show.

"I wouldn't exactly say 'miss', but whatever helps you sleep at night." You shrugged and hopped onto the counter that he had previously sat on, your feet swinging slightly off the edge.

"Oh, I sleep like a baby, don't worry about me." He had now placed a carton of eggs, cheese, and a bag of spinach on the counter. He made the best omelettes.

You rolled your eyes and smiled, "Shut up, dork." He stood and turned to you with a squint in his eye.

"What did you just call me?" He asked, trying to use a serious tone.

"Don't get mad at dork," you defended, "I could've said asshat, but I was trying to be nice." He slowly began moving towards you, trying to be intimidating. You knew he was going to start a swearing war, it was bit of a daily occurrence.

"Ha-ha. If I'm an asshat, you're a shitstick."

"Dickwad."

"Assbiter."

"Shitpicker."

"Dicklicker."

"You fucking wish." You smirked at your own innuendo, loving the way his eyebrows raised in shock. He stared at you for a second, like he was trying to figure out what you were thinking. He was only a couple feet from you now.

He cautiously closed the space between the two of you, his hands slowly coming to rest on the counter on either side of your thighs. He kept his eyes locked on yours, reading your reaction to make sure you were okay. 

"You know," he whispered, "this whole teasing thing you do drives me absolutely crazy." You could've fainted at the way he was talking to you, or the way he was looking at you.

"Sebastian," you said quietly, "I am totally okay with whatever is happening, but I am so confused right now." He licked his lips and smiled a bit.

"I've been trying so hard to hide it, I've been so scared of what you might have said if I just told you." He explained.

"Told me what?" You pushed.

"(Y/N), I care so much about you and having you in my life, I would never be able to survive losing you."

Your heart began to beat harder than it already was, there was no way you could believe he was saying this to you.

"You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and after all we've been through, I feel awful keeping any secret from you." His hand slid onto your lower back and pushed you forward until your chests were touching. Your hands were on his arms, eyes never leaving his.

"I think I'm falling for you, I think I have been for a while." He finally admitted, his thumb brushing your cheek. You just stared at him, completely speechless.

"Please say something." He barely whispered. You stared at him for a moment more before speaking.

"Kiss me."

And he wasted no time. Your lips crashed together in a kiss you had only dreamed of. His arms wrapped fully around your body, pushing you as close as humanly possible, while your hands found his hair. Your heart was doing somersaults inside your chest, and you were still in disbeleif that Sebastian was actually kissing you, in that moment. Your legs wrapped around his waist, his hands curling around your thighs and lifting you from the counter. He didn't let go of you until he had carried you upstairs.

*time skip brought to you by Sam texting Bucky every so often, the message reading 'unclench ur jaw and relax ur shoulders'. Bucky still can't figure out how Sam always knows* 

*One month later, after some... exercising with Sebastian*

You nuzzled into Sebastian, your finger lazily tracing patters onto his bare chest. His arm was around you and his hand trailed up and down your back.

"I'm so unbelievably happy right now." He said softly, giving your forehead a kiss. His soft confessions always made your heart flutter.

"Why is that, love?" You asked.

"I never thought you would say yes to me," he began, "I thought you just looked at me as that goofy Romanian kid you met in college. I couldn't ever dream of you actually reciprocating my feelings."

"You're always going to be that goofy Romanian kid." You lifted your head to meet his eyes. "That's just who you are, but it's you that I..." you hesitated, "... that I fell for..." you hadn't used the big 'L' word yet, and weren't sure if this was the right time, "... and you shouldn't try to change or hide any of you."

He sighed contently as you placed your head back down. It was silent for a minute before he spoke again.

"I don't want to leave tomorrow."

Your heart felt suddenly heavy. He was leaving to film for two months overseas, and you already knew that you were going to miss him more than you could ever prepare for. He was your rock, he kept you sane and helped you push through the bad. You hadn't had a full panic attack since that night, the night that led to a morning of kisses and confessions. He had slept beside you every night since then, whether in your bed or his, but you were always in his arms when the sun retired from the sky. He was able to keep you so clam and level-headed, it was inexplicable.

His leaving terrified you, and you knew he was aware of how scared you were. In the past week, he made it a point to remind you of your strength every chance he had. He subtly would drop hints about finding a hobby to keep your mind preoccupied when you had free time, or making you watch new shows with him so you would have something to distract you. You were scared of what your mind would do once he was gone, and he shared that fear equally.

"Just stay here forever." You mumbled, holding him tighter.

"I would in a heartbeat." His hand now ran through your hair. "I would lie here with you until the world ended, if I could."

You sighed, once again raising your head to look into his eyes. You leaned down and kissed him, slowly and gently, telling him everything you couldn't articulate with words. You pulled away enough to look into his eyes, but kept your face close to his.

"I can't even describe how much I'd enjoy that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word Count: 3699

Part 2 Coming Soon

To be written:

Haunting Voices Part.6

I've Got You Part.2

Broken Series Part.4

Possible one shots from '800 Followers Special' chapter