The Unexpected by bartholomew-allen
— title.
5/10 I can't give many points or take any away here. The title itself is a mystery which is both a good and bad thing. It draws the reader in to find out more about the story, yet can easily be scrolled past without a second thought.
— cover.
8/10 Eye-catching and fits the tone of Twilight, however it doesn't tell much about the story. While Nina Dobrev is gorgeous, we need more to draw us in.
— description.
7/10 You kept it pretty vague which I like, however more could've been done to draw the reader in. You also should list somewhere that this crosses over with other universes (Vampire Diaries, Supernatural) so that those who go into this fanfic without prior knowledge of this aren't left confused.
— grammar.
6.5/10 You have a good understanding of grammar, but you sometimes change tenses I your writing. You also tend to have run on sentences. Consider breaking them up, or use a comma when you are listing actions consecutively.  Also remember that when someone speaks and its followed by "she exclaimed" the speech should end with a comma not a period. (i.e. "I have to," she exclaimed.")
— plot.
4/10
The plot is based off many different elements, which can confuse some readers. It does give a good reason for the main character's reason for moving. The rest of the plot seems to resemble Twilight closely, just with your oc taking the place of Bella.
— oc.
6.5/10
While Nina Dobrev is used super often, she fits the role as a relative to Charlie, as she has many features resembling those of Kristen Stewart. The character you have is rather realistic, as shown by her lasting suffering after the car accident. Her development is done mostly "off screen" however, and is thus less effective. We didn't know her before the accident so we do not get a good sense of how much she has truly changed.  If we spent more time with her before the accident, this shift in attitude would have a bigger impact on the reader.
— overall comments.
Your story is really good, just many of the concepts are taken from other shows and used to develop your character off screen. The writing is beautiful, but brings down characterization.
( 37/70 )