(Email to Janie)

Hi to my BFF (aka Janie)

Before I start pouring out my woes, I want you to know that I'm really happy that things are working out for you. We're all so proud of you here at Scrubber-Town, especially me. Sea-Leggs has turned out to be such a huge hit and this month of course your photo was splashed all over the national telly magazine, Tuned in Telly and even one or two of the women's mags. You made that ugly newsreader bitch look even uglier. Dr Una has practically papered her clinic walls with the multiple copies she bought. Even Dr Wun Sun walked past and said: 'Beautiful photo of our Janie.' I was so jealous, but in a good way.

I'm not so sure about having joined Asteroid Air. I don't know if I'll fit in or even last the distance. Monica, the bony bitch; remember, she's our supervisor, does most of our ground training. She's set up this house, where we all have to live together; just like on the TV reality shows. Everyone scratches each other's eyes out and there's always someone in tears, mostly Shannon or Rhiannon. They're such cry-babies, but I won't give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me bawl. However, I hate just about everyone, except this one girl, Lizzie. She's Pommy, has the cutest accent and we've really hit it off. She calls everyone a tosser, ie people she doesn't like,which is most of the people here. Her boyfriend Lachlan (called Lachie) is cool too. They both came here on a working holiday and thought they'd give flying a go for a year or two before heading back home. If it wasn't for them, I'd have quit by now and yeah, I know I've only been here for three weeks.

The others are totally horrible. There's a pair of twins; Tyrone and Simone;  honestly, who calls anyone a wanky name like Tyrone? and two girls called Shannon and Rhiannon, who aren't related, but went all spazz and became BFF's immediately, just because their names rhymed and they both live on the Gold-Coast. How lame is that? All four are snobby, anal retentive and sort of corporate and they all hang out together. Lizzie,Lachie and I are the outcasts. There was supposed to be an eighth person, but seems like they changed their minds and pulled out. Sounds smart to me.

Monica is an absolute control freak and doesn't miss a thing. She's set up a gym in the basement and we're all supposed to use it, like everyday. We even have to record how long we spend in there and what equipment we've used. Lizzie and I just go to the pool, splash around and then spend ages griping to each other about Monica and the others. Then we record our time. Unfortunately, Shannon has often come in while we're in the pool and says;

'Geez, you two spend an awful lot of time in the water. You'll turn into a pair of prunes'.

Well, I think I know who's going to turn into a prune first and it'll be Shannon and Rhiannon with their deep Gold Coast tans. They think they're so cool.

Monica often drops in unannounced. The other four rush to the door to greet her and squeal and practically fall over themselves to make coffee for her. This interrupts our study time. The study we have to do is like, mega and I never dreamed there would be so much to learn. Lots of it is crap and so obvious. To my surprise, though I've done really well and got over the expected 95% in my tests. Any minute now I expect my head to explode. Lizzie and I feel like we're living in a police-state and it wouldn't even surprise us if Monica had hidden cameras installed around the house.

Our diets are watched too and we've been assigned a Dietitian called Marina, who's one of Monica's horrible fake friends. Marina gives us lectures on healthy eating. When she's not there, Shannon and Simone have appointed themselves diet watch-dogs in the house ,which has turned me into a secret comfort-eater: I didn't used to be like that. Shannon and Simone look at everything that the rest of us eat, especially Lizzie and me. They'll call out:

'Fridge alert or 'Cupboard Alert'. Lizzie and Lainie are eating again'.

The other morning in our training class, Shannon gave Monica a detailed run-down on what I'd had for breakfast.

'OMG!' she said, you should have seen what Lainie put away. I've never  seen anyone eat so much. She had four Supermarket pancakes with jam, a piece of Scone Toast, full-fat yoghurt and about three coffees' .It had to be seen to be believed. One day it's going to catch up with her and give her a nasty surprise'. Monica noted it all down and I know it will go on my file.

 I cornered Shannon afterwards and told her to mind her own f....ing business and to back off.

As I might have expected, she started bawling and repeated to Monica what I'd said. Then of course I got a lecture from Monica about my having a bad attitude and that I was being watched closely as was my diet.

I can't believe these people. Lizzie told me that Monica had more or less said the same thing to her and thought she was doing it just to freak us out. Well, she's kind of succeeding. She doesn't do that to Lachie though, cos he's a bloke and Monica likes the blokes and flirts with all of them.

I have to tell you Janie, that a few days ago, I phoned Dr Una and was horrified with myself when I started crying. I used to think Dr Una was full of new-agey, wanky crap, but she was actually pretty helpful. Anyway, now I sort of feel better and have a plan up my sleeve. I'm not going to tell anyone about it yet, at least not via my lap-top, cos I don't want to risk the other bitches being able to read it. I'll tell you in person when I see you. Has that made you curious?

Monica just dropped-in again. Hasn't she got a home to go to? She said she's come to tell us about the Christmas plans. I'm not certain ,but I think we get a free ticket home for a couple of days over Christmas. I sure hope so, cos I'm totally over all the rubbish that goes on here. I wish I could get hold of some weed or Vodka. Unfortunately, neither are allowed in the house: not even a glass of wine with dinner. Lizzie, Lachie and I might as well be in jail.

Sorry to be so down and bug you with all my crap. Just don't get too famous and forget about me. I don't think I could stand it.

Love from your BFF, Lainie. Have some alcohol for me.xx

PS: Do youse think I'll make it home for Christmas? I have my fingers and toes well and truly crossed.