"Jessica, it's amazing seeing you again with a smile all over your face. You look really amazing. Come on in, take your shoes off, and relax." My therapist instructed with a huge smile moving across her face so quick.

Now, I wonder how the hell she got so happy to see my ass. Usually when people see me, they roll their eyes and get annoyed. When my co-workers scuff and whisper to their work friends 'oh shit. There goes Jessica again', that's how I know it's going to be a great day. It makes me so happy know that my presence is so important that they point me out like that. Anybody with a brain should be scared if I walk in with a smile on my face.

She must not have a brain then. Maybe it's filled with notepad paper.

Anyway, I walked into the modern-themed office filled with blues, whites, and grays. My eyes scanned around the scene and landed on the walls with them widened in a bit of shock. New paintings scattered all over her dark cerulean walls...that weren't what I thought therapist hung up. Not for children's eyes at all.

"Alfio Martire? You know that erotic artist? Why's his work hanging on your walls? How is this even allowed? Aren't you supposed to have pictures of plants and beaches in here or some shit?"

"How do you know the artist? Wasn't expecting anyone to know about him," she answered as she sat down and prepped herself for our session.

So, what had happened was Mr. Sex-On-The-Subway appeared on my explore page on Instagram since I follow a ton of art pages on there. Surprisingly, Rena got me into the whole erotic artist thing and I haven't looked back.

Now that I think about it, why the hell is Rena following sex artists like that?

Anyway, he makes lovely realistic style kind of artwork. Sometimes, he makes me wish I was getting the goods in two-story art studio. Nothing but a sexy ass dream right now. Then again, maybe Mario can make that happen on a beach...

"Well, I'm do a little something something from time to time and get inspired from other artists. He's one of those artists that make me want to pick up a pencil or paintbrush just to say I did it. That's the first step, right? Isn't this out of your guidelines though? Are you allowed to have these up?"

Sitting down in her chair and getting comfortable for our session, she opened up with "It's my office, right? No children come in this office because I only work with adults. Is that a problem for you?"

Hell nah, it wasn't a problem. In fact, these paintings were a sight for sore eyes. From his illustrations of car adventures to sex scenes in different countries. Love making all around the world and more. Just two, or three, human beings connecting bodies without worrying about what other people think. Oh, how much I wish I had that much freedom. To come and go as I pleased.

Maybe that freedom was still locked away with the rest of my art things in the closet. What used to be the pathway to some kind of peace became a tunnel to aggravation and stress so it all got thrown in the closet, never to be pulled out again. Some of those things were probably damaged.

Well, I sat down while smiling at the artwork from the Italian illustrator as a rush of eagerness flourished through my body. Goodness gracious. Get it together, Jess.

"Alright, let's start off with how you've been since our last visit? I see you've been feeling much better since then."

Oh, I haven't even told her about Mario. To be honest, I didn't want to open up to anyone about my time with Mario because things weren't serious. I didn't want to open my mouth about him and things change later.

It's been a little over a month since that dance session and Mario's been seeing me. After he gave me his number, we spent hours on the phone together. After about a few days, we started doing small things together and I got the guts to move back into my own house again. Mario wondered why I let someone else scare me out of my own house.

Rena was up my ass about my decision but it was time for me to make peace with my house again. Making my house a home somehow. It's never felt like an actual home.

Anyway, Rena thought it was a bad idea and she was up my ass about it because she has no man. We've all tried to hook that nerdy book rat up but she don't want anybody we pair her off with. Grayson is barely a candidate for her.

Anyway, once I moved back into the house with Demi and Eli, Mario came by a little more often and spent time with the kids. Demi and Eli love being around him because he spoils them with ice cream and Spanish culture that they find fascinating.

As he taught the kids about his background, it made me wish I knew exactly where I came from. All I knew was that I'm Latina. Mama, may she rest in the fiery pits of hell, was Latina and god knows what my Pops was. He had to be the same since I'm not mixed with anything that I know of.

Uncle Ricky says I'm a full-blooded Latina so my family has to be from Latin America. Let me go up there and make a scene and they'll put me in my place. Uncle Ricky won't tell me anything else about my heritage or ethnicity. Like exactly where I'm from. Maybe it's because he didn't know either. Maybe I should do a ancestry test. Who knows?

Okay, going off topic again.

Anyway, Mario took them to the park, the zoo, the discovery center, and other places that got the kids' brains moving and I loved that. He was so good to my babies and they didn't want to end their days with him.

When he wanted to take me on a date, Mario didn't mind taking my kids along but I had Rena watch them instead. Of course, she asked me who I was going with just to get an answer out of me. Like she didn't know.

The last time she tried to tell me that this was a bad idea, I bopped her upside the head with one of her books from school and told her not to ask me about it again. Guess who's been quiet about my life since? I love my cousin but she gets on my damn nerves. She needs a man or a dildo.

Anyway, Mario and I went to the movies, he took me to the movies, we'd go to different cultural restaurants, the science museum, and even to a bookstore every now and again. Place I've never really been before but found wonderful when I got there. It was all so captivating and Mario was just romantic and cute.

It blew my mind how much Mario knew and how educated he was. When we got into the planetarium, it was like being in outer space and surrounded by nothing but stars. Some thick glass held us up from the ground and Mario would point out his favorite constellations, tell me how to see them, and shit.

Also, please tell me how he found out about my love for art? Maybe he just sensed it because he surprised me with a visit to a popular art show. When I tell you my heart fluttered seeing all the artwork displayed, my heart was flapping like a bird trying to get in to the sky.

A secret between you and me that nobody (not even those whores I call my friends or my nosey ass cousin): My dream has always been to have my art displayed in an art gallery for people to see or buy. After putting my dreams on the backburner for someone else...

Oh shit! I forgot all about her.

Looking down at my hand, I realized that my ring was gone and I freaked out inside. My smile fell so fast. My heart sank in guilt as tears developed in my eyes. I couldn't believe it. How the hell could I be fucking around and I was still married? As much as I wanted to believe that ring was off my finger, the image of it being there was still stuck on my hand like strong Velcro on a painted wall.

"Jessica, what are you thinking about right now?"

She must've seen my face change from a smile to a frown in an instant. My eyes stayed glued to that empty ring finger because I was contemplating how the hell I could forget about my wife like that. The look on my face sold me out.

The pain, the petrified feeling, the hurt, everything came back to haunt me like an angry ancestor coming for revenge on the city. Just staring at my empty ring finger had me wondering if I should break a lamp in here because I was mad as hell or just cry because of the guilt built up in my heart.

Why was I crying if the therapist did nothing to me?

What the hell was I thinking? I'm nothing like Mama, I'm still married. You can't tell this therapist what's going on now because she'll tell you that you're being a hoe and stop seeing the man. But he's a pretty good man from what I've seen so far.

As tears slowly strolled down my cheek, my troubling thoughts eventually came out like "Um...well shit, I'll just go ahead and tell you. I feel so guilty. Being with Mario is so fulfilling and he's a charming son of a bitch. However, I can't seem to get Jana off my mind. It breaks my heart seeing my ring finger empty like this knowing that we're still married."

Sighing to keep from breaking down even harder, I continued with "In my heart, I still love that bitch and I don't think anyone can take that away. Giving her all that love just to walk away and start all over? Even being her friend wouldn't suffice."

My therapist's eyes looked at me with sincerity in them just to say "Jess, you deserve some time for fun, especially right now. You haven't even had any outburst since you've been-"

"That's a lie. My cousin and my friends were targeted by this bitch and I had to bring out my Superwoman for a minute there. Well, not Superwoman. More like The Hulk but still. Mario had to hold me back and Tiff had to bring me back to reality."

"I don't know what it is but, when I get angry enough, I black out and lose control of myself. Darkness swoops in while my light is shining bright. Once ignited, it takes over and makes everything go black. That's no excuse for my behavior but it has to be at least a bit of the reason why I do what I do."

Tucking my hair behind my ear and leaning forward, I speak again with "Look, I take responsibility for all the damage I've caused because I let the darkness take control time and time again while learning how to keep my light from everybody else. Applying that positive advice to my life gets harder and harder every day.

"Sometimes, battling with it isn't an option. Going back and forth with it, debating on keeping the peace and staying in my own lane...or throwing a candy bar at a bitch ass customer because they keep screaming about this child not getting a candy bar. That's an every day thing for me. Fighting the inner demons that have lived in my mind rent free since I was born, finding it harder and harder to even ignore them because the more I do, the louder they get. Can't even yell over them. Soundproof headphones couldn't even keep those fucking bastards out."

Her eyes watched me with so much concern as sudden shivers scroll down my skin like grabbing the gray box to scroll down or up on a web browser. It wasn't even because I was cold. They just flowed through my body, leading up to my face, adding more tears to the tears I thought I got rid of. Leaving trails on my face but not wanting a tissue because there was meaning behind each trail, each tear. Let it dry up on my face.

Placing my hands over my face because I knew I couldn't hold them back but tried, I sighed heavily as the drops of salty tears flowed from my eyes, down my cheeks, and into my hands. There goes the darkness creeping up on me again, letting it take over.

In a bit of rage that was building up, I lashed out on my therapist. "Look! Don't fucking judge me! I'm not using Mario as just a rebound because of my failed marriage! You don't even have to fucking tell me I ruined my own marriage! You don't have to tell me I was too young, not ready enough to get married! You don't have to tell me I was stupid for fucking my ex for babies! You don't have to tell me I was dumb for going back to my mama when I was a kid. You don't have to say any of that shit because I already know...I already know. My life turned out to be shit and that's proof enough that I've been stupid my whole life. The decisions I made before are showing in my life today..."

"Jess, I-"

"Mario just came at the right time and I ran with it. He knows about Jana and knows his boundaries. I already know that it's me who may not know the boundaries because something inside of me wants to know more about that man. He's like the temporary light that frightens the demons, making them go away. I just keep reaching out for more and more light to keep them away. He makes me wonder why I'm still with Jana sometimes."

"Jess-"

"You know what? I can't get rid of her either. Too many years spent together, too much love invested and planted into our ten-year relationship, and I can't get rid of that. I can't let that go. So many years of catering to her needs, seeing her achieve her dreams, being her support system and I can't get any of that back."

She watches me cry in my hands as notes were being written on her notepad and a sigh leaves her lips.

"Let's try a little exercise. When the darkness seeps in, catch it, and acknowledge it. Catch that dirty bastard, choke the shit out of it while letting it know that you see it, and think of the light around the corner. Think of that good decision or what it would be like to not let darkness take over. I got a good way you can do that."

"How the hell am I supposed to catch it when I don't even see it coming?"

She ran her fingers through her dark brown hair and her eyes widened with "You once told me about the attic that you don't ever use. Gather all the things you find unnecessary or the things that bring you down and get a baseball bat. That's all I'm going to tell you."

Looking at her with confusion all over my face, she continued with "We'll do a video call for your next visit with you doing that exercise, okay?"

Was she trying to get a reaction out of me or some shit? It made no sense to me but I agreed to it since she was the expert. How the hell was that supposed to help me with my anger and whatnot?

So, our next visit was next week and we agreed to a video call in the empty attic upstairs with all of the things I felt unnecessary or brought bad energy in my house. Things that could be trashed and shit.

I figured that help was needed and, in that moment, Mario was not a necessity. After exiting the therapist's office, I made a phone call to my best friend and went to grab a bite to eat because my stomach was growling.

As soon as I got back to the house, she was standing on my porch waiting on me in her all-designer track suit and flipping the blonde hair that laid on her shoulder.

"Girl, what took you so long? I was about to call you just to see if you were okay. You said it a 911 emergency and I rushed over here," she hung up the phone with her Chanel bag hanging off her wrist.

You can guess who it was by now. Yeah, Tiffany was the best friend I called. She keeps me sane from time to time.

Nope, she's basically the Advil for my headaches. I leaned on her when I felt like a panic attack was coming on and she'd immediately stop what she was doing to see me. Even if she were at work because...

"I don't want to see you die on me. You know that, right?"

"I know that. I was just getting something to eat. Didn't think you'd be here at my house so fast. I called you over here to help me get rid of a few things for an exercise from my therapist. Who better to call on to help me clean house than you?"

Her sky-blue eyes watched me in disappointment but she was like the cleanest person when we lived in the apartment and she would help me not be biased about what to throw in the attic. Some things just couldn't be tossed though.

"You know I'll help you, Jess. Some things are worth keeping but do you know why your therapist ask you to clean your house...?"

Shaking my head at Tiff's words and walking towards the house with her, the memory of my therapist bringing up the idea in the first place made me think. I had no idea but I just did what I was told.

****

What's up, folks?! Happy Thirsty Thursday!

Do you think that this "experiment" will help Jess with her problems or do you think she need more?

Do you think Jana will ever come to the way she was?

Do you think Rena's being nosey because she needs a man?

What do you think about Tiff's changed ways? Her being thoughtful to Jess like that?

Team Mario or Team Jana? (Had to ask lol)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this and I hope you stick around for Saturday's chapter! See you then! Love ya!