*A/N: Yeah I'm back with a trigger warning. I should've added them to my previous chapters so I'll do that later but yeah! Here's your trigger warning for today!

⚠️ TW: Mentions of depression and signs of bipolar disorder and anxiety. PLEASE BE MINDFUL AND TREAD LIGHTLY! If any of this triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, stop reading NOW. Otherwise, please continue and just be mindful of that. We can learn and help each other through this. If you are experiencing any of these things and think you need help, please talk to me or research a close therapist that can help you. Thank you so much.⚠️

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"Well, let's get down to it. I'm here because...well, there's just been so much on my mind lately and I don't know what to do with everything. The biggest thing is this constant battle with myself. The everyday fight to do right for myself but not doing so because you just don't feel like it."

My heart increased in rhythm while throwing my hands over my face in exhaustion. Another night of tossing and turning in my full-sized bed, dreaming of only what could've been for about three of those eight hours. Everything else was blank.

"A war between depression and happiness and depression seems to be winning. Nobody can really tell because I don't want to open up that can of worms. We're supposed to be happy and positive, right?"

When your granny tells you that crying won't make you happy and to stay positive, you do what you're told because you don't want to ruin everyone else's moods. That's being selfish, right?

"There's days when the cheerfulness shows up in my eyes but the irritation burns like my heart is on fire. Sadness, regret, jealousy. It all flows through my blood stream, circulating within my heart, and affecting everything else. Like my soul is slowly being sucked out of me every day."

You wake up and just feel like going back to sleep, you cry because you failed, you get angry because someone else is winning and you're stuck. You feel like people who do the worst things get the most attention and are always winning.

"This is how I feel every day. Waking up with a weakened body, blurry vision, and my brain...my brain is almost tired of functioning. As if it's slowly rotting by the minute."

You have friends but you barely see them. You want to see your friends but can't because you don't want to interfere in their lives. Then you get lonely, feel isolated, and wish that you had friends but go back to not wanting new friends because you don't know what could happen to you. Mind games.

"This shouldn't be an issue with me, right? I work with children so I should be the role model, correct? I have a college degree, food to eat, roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to be, and a few friends. Why should I feel like this? I'm being selfish and should just be grateful for everything."

Inconsiderate because there's people out there who don't have all these things. The people in their lives, food to eat, a roof over their heads, and whatever else I have. Thoughtless because I'm only thinking about how I feel, right?

"Being grateful goes out the window like a gush of wind just stole everything. One minute, you're grateful. The next, you're right back to feeling like shit. Down and depressed and it seems like something triggers it every time. Whether it be someone tagging their best friend in a Facebook post, a pregnancy announcement, an engagement announcement, a precious but lost dog walking around the apartment complex, the news reporting that someone died again, and much more."

There's no way of getting back into permanent good spirits or being positive all the time when worry and stress fill me up all the time. You can have everything you've ever wanted and still be depressed.

"All I do is worry and cry or get mad at myself. My moods just change at the drop of a coin. Momma used to tell me it was an Aries mood and I ran with that, wanting to change the idea of it just me being my zodiac sign. Because, if that was the case, how come I have a Virgo cousin that feels the same way? They're usually calm and chill individuals, right? Couldn't be just an Aries thing."

The unwavering pendulum swings side to side just to find that medium. Somehow, it just keeps on swinging. It teases me as it gets closer to the middle only to swing widely to the other side. And it keeps going...never ending.

It was a bright Saturday afternoon, around brunch time, and I was sitting at the dining table with my hands still over my face. Sure, I peeked through my fingers to study the freshly polished table but they'd go back into hiding.

My hair was a mess, my body covered only in my M&M pajamas, my heart and mind drowning in a heavy thunderstorm. The weightless rain drops hitting against my heart like thousands of bricks, making them come out of my eyes. Tiffany used to say that crying caused wrinkles.

Well, let them make waves on my face and let them surf through the wrinkles of agony.

The lightning hitting against my brain, making me feel pain in my already slowly decaying brain. The thunder was the best part, rumbling my insides and causing me to growl. Anger.

All of this for what? Can't you just grin and bear it? That little green monster laughs in my face and shakes things up even more, making me feel worse.

All of this and I can encourage someone else to do whatever they want to do within a second. Whatever light I have left in my heart is given to everyone else. Maybe that's the problem.

"Little Sis, this sounds like something I can't really help you with. Maybe you should see a therapist. They can help you get some medi-"

"Absolutely not. I've considered seeing a professional but, with my insurance, I'm lucky enough to get someone who really cares and knows what they're doing. Medication is out of the question because Big Pharma can kiss my ass. Visiting my doctor didn't help either because that's the first thing they recommended. I learned to just deal with it. Maybe I should continue. It's better than being drugged up and going to jail because of the medication they recommended me to take, right?"

You can probably guess where I was. I took Trent up on his offer to bother him at three in the morning whenever things were troubling me. He's been up with me since and you could hear Carmon groaning at the fact I interrupted their nightly freak session. Nasties.

He's probably knocked out inside, ready to fall out on the kitchen floor at any minute. Those crystal-clear pools of blue couldn't hide how tired he was. However, he still managed to keep himself up and still take care of me in my time of need. For that, I will be forever grateful.

After passing me a cup of tea, he sat down and took a bite of a premade heart-shaped sandwich from Raina. I knew it came from her because she'd make me the same sandwich when we lived in the apartment together. She puts her heart and sweetness in each one.

"Rena, what else do you think will help? Fighting all these emotions on your own and not knowing what to do is way worse than being on medication and in a good mood. You can't just 'deal with them'. Just because you've been raised to do that doesn't mean you can't get help."

Feeling this way was always seen as just wanting attention. That it's just an Aries mood and that I'll get over it so I was raised to just deal with it. The more I learn about mental health, the more I start to diagnose myself.

Trent was no help at this point. Sure, he was right about getting help but that's not the kind of help I needed or wanted. My family has a bad history with Big Pharma. Insulin here, Oxycodone there, Lamotrigine too. Can't keep any medication around my uncles. They'll go mad over it.

Here I am thinking I'm breaking generational curses. Eating them little by little seems to be better than taking them straight from the source.

"Hey, what about writing? You love to write your heart out. Try writing about your emotions out on paper and see where it takes you. There's probably someone else out there that feels the same way you do, if not worse. You're putting your own puzzle together while still helping others. That may help."

Shaking my head and rubbing my eyes after Trent's last suggestion, I finally looked up to see Carmon strutting downstairs in her purple silk robe. Once her eyes landed on me, her face changed from annoyed to worried.

There's no need to be worried about me. I worry for myself every day. It's wrapped itself around me like a warm winter coat. Can't take it off but it helps when it gets cold.

Trent's idea wasn't a terrible one though. In fact, it seemed like the best way to go about my depression. Would it really help me heal? That was the real question.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in and the dog carried on its back. Rena, what's been going on? After that Grayson incident, you've gone silent. Are you okay?" Carmon asked standing by her beau, rubbing his back while her eyes were on me.

Nope. Everything just feels so wrong right now but who am I to tell her that? She wouldn't even understand what's going on right now. She's too much in love to understand.

Oh shit.

"Everything's fine, Carmon. Thank you for letting me borrow your husband for a minute. You have a really great man and a beautiful glow shining on your face."

Well, Rena, when you get a man who's devoted to you and your friends all while having insane bedroom skills, you'd wake up with a fire glow, too.

Just pull it. Please.

"Really? I wonder why..." she trailed off as she smiled down at her forever lover and Trent smirked back at her comment. As if on cue.

Well, Carmon's shot the trigger. Time to get the hell up out of this...love hole and let these rabbits bump uglies. I've taken up much of their loving time as it is.

Talk about couple goals. Was Carmon mentally ready to marry a man like Trent? Or did she need Trent to help her mentally? If that was the case, where was the guy to help me mentally? All this self-love talk and half of my friends are married while still mentally out of it. How does that make me feel better again?

Jess and Jana went back and forth with each other, despite what Jess was feeling. Tiff will never admit it but she has trust issues. Bryce still put a ring on her finger. If it can work out for all of them, why can't it be the same with me?

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family no matter what and I'm definitely not perfect. How does all of this work though? It's like doing the wrong things get you the right things. A man, money, children, a fabulous lifestyle, etc.

I'll keep complaining about that forever and a day because learning how to be alone is still so hard. It's a process. Nobody likes being lonely but being alone seems to help others. I sure hope that being in my solitude helps me heal. Maybe that's my problem. I'm always around people who aren't alone.

Is there a difference between being alone and being lonely?

Well, I have to turn in some work anyhow. School may kick my ass but it keeps me busy, right? Since I have nothing else to do. It takes my mind off things and puts my stress into something else.

****

After visiting Trent about my troubles, I stayed up until the sun came up in the morning to finish a lesson plan on simple products like cups, balloons, and marshmallows. Those were the three materials given in class and we had to present our lesson plan to everyone.

It came easy to me until I had to write in the standards. Pick a few standards from a book the state gives you and break down your activity by age group and the developmental stages. Explain how it'll impact them and how students will learn from it.

You'd think it'd be so easy until you're forced to use certain standards and have to make it work. They tell you what to say and how to teach it. How was I supposed to piece together a lesson plan for 5th graders with these materials for a social studies activity?

I just came up with a way to reenact the Civil War, appointing several students as significant people in that era and everyone else were at war. They made their own weapons, which were the marshmallow poppers, and they went to battle.

I taught how this affected slavery and rights within the states. It turned out amazing and my peers seemed to have enjoyed the presentation. The professor, on the other hand, kept giving me questionable looks with his eyebrow raised and nose scrunched up.

I do know one thing. The kids at my school would have loved to learn this way. It keeps them thinking about what they learned. Plus, they love shooting marshmallows at each other.

So, a few more presentations went by and, before you knew it, it was time to leave. Thank goodness the hard part was over. Everyone that's ever done a presentation knows how overwhelming it can get.

Picturing people in their underwear is overrated and never tell someone to calm down during one. It makes things so much worse. You tell someone to calm down and they do the complete opposite, stressing themselves out trying to follow what you tell them to.

Packing my things as quickly as I could while the other students walked by to congratulate me, the professor clears his throat and stands up from his desk.

Seriously? I know I couldn't have done anything wrong. How could I when I did what I was supposed to? That side eye during my presentation could prove me otherwise. Ah hell. I'll just listen to what the man has to say.

"Ms. Benson, I want to talk to you about your lesson plan presentation."

What was so bad about it this time? I taught what I knew, used all supplies listed, applied it to the standards, and did what was told of me. Where did I go wrong?

Sighing heavily with my backpack on my shoulder, I turned around slowly with an eyeroll as the former elementary school teacher stood in front of me...with a smile on his face?

"Rena, your lesson plan and presentation were quite entertaining and I enjoyed every minute of it. Maybe clean up your knowledge on the Civil War era but, if I were a child, I'd want to come back to class and learn more. It was lovely and you're going to make a wonderful teacher."

My eyes widened at his statement as his smile became more defined. Was it just me or did he seem more attractive with a grin on his face?

Anyway, I've heard those words before but they never made as much of an impact on me as they did when he said them. It gave me hope that I could pass this class and be a fabulous teacher. It's where my heart is.

****

What's up, folks?!

Man, did I miss saying that! I hope you all are doing alright!

I stopped writing on SUO for a while for many reasons. The main one was because of what's being talked about in here: Mental Illnesses.

I didn't know how to handle that and I gave up on writing on the girls. I realized that they all had something wrong with them and many readers from SMO have shown me that. No, not the sin thing. They all have something wrong mentally.

This book is supposed to be about them growing from that and I didn't know where to start but I did want to write.

I'll just say please don't be influenced by how Rena feels unless you believe it works for you. If you feel like you need more help, please seek it. It's so hard going through things like this alone so if you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me.

I'm truly grateful for all the people that are in my life that are helping me through this and keeping me on the right path. You guys are awesome. Please don't let anyone tell you different.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. More coming on Thursday!

Love ya!