"Oh, thank goodness, Tiff! I was tired of hiding this from Bryce, girl. It was getting harder and harder to keep quiet and you know how my mouth works. I can be quiet but, after so long, you gotta keep me quiet."

Happiness came over me as I talked to Tiff about this new baby situation. She was so nervous about telling Bryce and, now that he knows, we can all come together and help her with this baby. She was all excited, over the phone, as she should be. I'd have to punch Bryce back to the early 2000s if he kept playing around.

Not only does she have her girls to depend on, Bryce's family will freak out and have that baby every other day, and you know how holy Bryce's band is. They'll have that baby on the days that his parents don't.

I couldn't help but feel a little jealous as, once again, Tiff doesn't have many struggles to go through. Not like Carmon and I when we first became mothers. Tiff is covered in all corners of life for the most part. Carmon and I only had the girls' support and that's if Tiff chose to help us out. Until our kids got up to a certain age, all we really had was the girls. But I'm still happy for them.

Once I hung up the phone, some not-so-mysterious long fingers ran down my arms as I studied myself in the mirror. No dark circles, no wrinkles on my face, no skinny fingers, nor any headaches.

Just a pretty smile on my face and a little weight packed on but that was a good thing. I've been eating more often, especially since Mario can grill some fabulous food.

The best thing about all of this is that my heart isn't beating outside of my chest in fear or my body spazzing out because I have to worry about my partner cheating again. Steady beat while feeling at peace.

Kisses on my shoulder as that body pressed up against my backside. Sneaky son of a bitch.

"Good morning, sweetheart." He greeted in my ear as his fingers intertwined with mine. A refreshing smile grew across my face, realizing that I was totally naked.

Somebody spent the night again and gave me some good loving.

Turning around to Mario and wrapping my arms around his neck, I smiled with a "Good morning to you too, love."

Oh, I shouldn't have done that. That didn't help me at all. Our foreheads touched and my eyes closed briefly just open and see somebody else.

There went my heart thumping outside of my ribcage all over again and growing a headache once again. For fucks sake, this is not even fair.

Shaking my head, I pushed Mario away and ran to the bathroom to take a moment to let out the contents from last night's date. Steak, grilled corn-on-the-cob, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, and homemade lemonade.

Fuck this anxiety shit. That medicine should be kicking in soon. If not, my therapist and I will have some problems.

Eventually, after taking some deep breaths and wiping my face, I was able to sit on the edge of the bathtub to let my stomach rest for a while. This couldn't be happening again. Why can't I just be happy?

"Babe, do you need me or want a little space?"

I couldn't even answer him because my body slid down to the floor and rocked against the side of the bathtub. Migraines moved into my head with a quickness.

To be honest, some space would be nice to pull myself together but I didn't want to be alone either. He's supposed to be my peace, my sanity, my saneness. He wasn't even the problem and what do I look like pushing him away. I needed him.

"Yeah, come on in." I invited him inside while flushing the toilet.

Once he stepped in, I could've sworn I was hallucinating. How'd he get skinner? Why did he look like that? Where'd the tattoos come from?

Rubbing my eyes, his body shape didn't change at all. In fact, it became worse. Pale skin, thin legs and arms, weird-looking belly button, and a slightly peeking chest. What the hell was going on?

"Mario, did you change your body recently? I mean, it's okay if you did but...you look different from how you I'm used to seeing you." I was probably seeing things but I had to make sure.

"Babe, no. You know that. What's wrong..."

As he kept talking, I scared my own self as his chin became pointed and I pushed past him in fear. What the hell was going on with my mind?

Never been through something like this before so why would this be happening to me? Why is everything physically changing on Mario? That's not the man I slept with last night so how is he changing?

His eyes changed from those dark browns to forest green eyes and I had to fucking run. I was definitely hallucinating because he was not turning into who I believed he was turning into.

The eyes turned upward, into the shape of a bird's wing. What the fuck was going on? This has got to be a prank or something. If so, they got me but they can stop now.

"Baby, I think you need a little bit of space. Maybe some time out of the house will help. The kids want to go to the park anyway and we could probably get some ice cream afterwards."

That was the last straw. His voice had changed...to the one I've heard so many times. The one that's been around for ten fucking years. The one that begged and pleaded for me to forgive them and did the same fucking thing all over again! Goodness, God! Help me!

I wanted to scream but I couldn't. His voice was a rustic feminine voice that I used to roam around this house all the time.

Turning around to face him wasn't an option because I didn't want him to see my face. It probably looked terrible. Tears streamed down my face and my heart instantly broke at the thought of all this. Facing this problem head on wouldn't work but holding it in was worse.

My fingers ran through my hair as my heart raced so fast that it could start a car. Fuck this bitch.

"Jessica, I think I know what's going on and I understand."

My eyes widened at Mario's statement as his voice went back to normal. I turned around to see that he looked like the regular man I remembered. It made me smile all over again even though he'd never know what it's like being in my shoes.

Please tell me why I have to suffer but she doesn't. It's always me that has to go through this shit and everyday is like a fucking rollercoaster. Why can't I just stay on the ground? I don't wish this shit on nobody, not even my worst enemy...which would me again.

"Maybe it's time to go to the park with the kids, huh?"

I tried to push the thought and event to the side as my eyes searched for some clothes to wear. It'll all go away eventually, right? This pain, these scarred memories, this heartache, all of that.

Scrambling through my drawers, a soft touch and a quick light "Stop" put a pause in my search. I knew what was going to happen.

"You're allowed to feel the way you do. Even though you don't deserve these things to happen to you, they just do and we have to take some time to get through them sometimes."

So he did know what was going on...but how?

My arms folded as he led me over to my side of the bed and continued with "My mom had the same illness. Hallucinations, fatigue, light episodes of nausea, and crying episodes in secret. She was consistent with her visits to the therapist until her job was taken. Great pay, great benefits, and her co-workers loved her because she worked hard...until they let her go and replaced her with someone else. She lost everything, even her life."

My thumbs twiddled at his words while he talked about his mom. I couldn't say anything because there was nothing to say to that. What can you say?

"There could be so many things that can lead to these mental illnesses. I'd like to think that not having your wife around is the biggest thing that's messing with your psyche right now."

My eyes moved so fast to him and eyelids bling like windshield wipers to wipe the tears away. Hiding these tears wouldn't stop him. He knew too much.

"I want to tell you to take all the time you need but find that avenue that'll get you to that destination of harmony. It's all about discovery and though not every road will be the right one, at least you know and hopefully, you learn not to go back down them. You've got this, Jess. No matter what anyone else says. I'll see you soon."

And with a long kiss to the forehead, he left me sitting on my bed by myself. Something I didn't want to be, in that moment, was by myself.

****

"Are you sure you want to go through with this, Jess?"

Trent asked me after a hundred other times. Did I really have a choice. It was for my own sanity. My own peace and I was willing to do what I could to maintain it, despite Rena and Brian pushing me to hang in there.

Tired of hanging in there without any support. The rope had finally snapped.

"What do you think, Trent? We done came all this way to the courthouse just so I can change my mind? Where's this lawyer at though?"

We stood on the steps and waited for this family lawyer to get here. You wouldn't believe how much I had to pay out of pocket for this shit. Well, it's a lot to me but not to Trent. Mr. CEO with the big bucks over here. No wonder Carmon's over all their financial things. Surprisingly, she hasn't fucked up yet.

"He's coming, Jess-"

"He? I thought we had a female lawyer. You know how I am about that."

We recently discussed this. I felt more comfortable with a female lawyer and Trent promised me that. He was cool with finding me a female lawyer that he's worked with.

"Well...what had happened was-"

Suddenly, a female, with a professional style and suitcase in her hand, came stepping up and met us up on the stairs. With her straightened intimidating face, she addressed us with "Is this Jana?"

Why was she asking me if I was Jana? My eyes widened at in shock, brain all kinds of discombobulated.

So, Jana got the female lawyer instead of me? Was he helping Jana behind my back? What the fuck was going on?

"Nah, this is her wife, Jessica. Jana will be here soon."

Why do we have to be here, in person, to go through all of this? Why the hell did Trent help Jana find somebody too and not tell me? Why did she get the female lawyer and I didn't? I asked for her first. Asshole.

Eventually, my lawyer got here before Jana did and we went over our official agreement with him asking me the same shit that Trent asked me over and over again. I may be mostly absent-minded; however, I was definitely confident about my decision...or I made myself believe that.

Plus, Jana doesn't even remember me anyhow. She hasn't seen me in almost a year, right? What was the point in keeping the ring and stay in a useless marriage. Sentimental value or some shit? She can keep all of that and then some. I'm over it.

After my confirmation over everything and Trent explained everything, I caught sight of the creature that's haunted my dreams, that's caused panic attacks without being in my presence, that's made me cry at any time of the day, and has pissed me off for the last time.

As soon as I saw her, my feelings were fighting each other like a wrestling match. Why couldn't we work it out though? No more hallucinations or guilt, yes, but...this is almost 11 years ending just like that.

Had to be because of my pride, my constant worrying that she was cheating on me, and that bitch she's in a band with. Probably still with her now that she's about to be off papers. Free bird, I guess.

"You ready, Jess?" Trent asked as he tapped me on the shoulder. I pushed his hand off my shoulder after remembering that he helped my soon-to-be ex-wife out too. Gave her practically everything.

Though I needed his hand, I was too pissed off at him. Fuck, this crying shit was for the birds. I'm so over this.

Trent put his hand on my back and rubbed it as my hands covered my face before the tears fell down my face.

"Is she okay?" That familiar voice. I can pair it to the exact person and recognize it anywhere. How did it light up my heart slightly and piss me off at the same time?

"Doesn't look like it. Might need some time to breathe, so, Jess-"

"Trent, let me talk to her. It's been a minute anyway."

Trent and I looked up at her in surprise. What was she talking about? Did she remember who I was suddenly or was she just trying to calm me down just because?

Her statement made me stand up and walk out of the room while she followed. There she was. No hologram, no hallucinations, no pranks. Just a human being I once knew...and fell for.

Biting back my tears, I tapped my foot as we just stood there silently. I couldn't even look at her until..."Well, this was definitely not what I was expecting."

Jana shyly chuckled and shrugged her shoulders awkwardly. Who was really expecting this shit though?

When you get married, you believe the other person loves you as well. Yeah, you're supposed to go through ups and downs together but it's not supposed to be like this. What kind of life was this because it certainly wasn't a happy one for either of us.

"Yup. This was not how I thought our marriage would end either." Surely didn't. One of us had to die before we ended anything.

"Maybe it was just that time for us. Ten years was a long time to be with someone, especially as young people."

Was she serious? Please tell me she was just giving some casual conversation and decided to say some stupid shit. Tell me she was just joking and not acting like our relationship was just a tune she could play only once time.

"Yeah, because when you save someone's ass at only 14 years old, you're not in love. When you beat someone's bully and are persuaded to date someone of the same sex, you're just wanting to fuck around. When you take the bullying, the disrespect, the...fuck. That was exactly the motive here. To waste ten years worrying if your partner's seeing someone else every day, to have children in an effort to keep your wife around, to protect the one you love only to get their heart stomped on by the same person time and time again! To look stupid out in real life...just to show how much you love that person, only to be disrespected by that same person. That was the exact goal, Jana. Oh yeah."

Fuck holding these tears back. The sniffles stopped me from speaking and I bent down just to calm myself down. We were in a public, professional area and I couldn't do all that screaming because they'd lock my ass up.

"What do you want here, Jess? Remember, you were the one who shot me for no reason. This is why I agreed to this. Mutual agreement."

My heart dropped at the sound of those words, remembering that night. It surprised me that she remembered it but the memory stabbed me in the fucking chest, reliving that situation all over again.

How do you cope from any of that shit? How do you take in the idea that your soon-to-be ex-wife agreed to the divorce because of what you did?

That's a totally different kind of divorce but a no-fault is what she agreed to. For what?

Standing to my feet in anger, I came out with "For once, I wanted you to fight for me as much as I did for you! I wanted you to end this, to prove to me that you really wanted me back, to show me how much you loved me. However...this is completely understandable."

Wiping the overwhelming salty tears from my cheeks, I sighed deeply after coming to that realization. It made sense since she was trying to keep me from going back behind bars.

What we had was definitely toxic but I stuck around just to see if it would be washed from the toxic liquid and be made new. That wasn't happening, I guess.

"Jess, we'll forever be friends. You know that-"

Fuck that 'let's be friends' bullshit that everyone says when they break up with someone to make them feel better. The fact that this wasn't even a break up. This was a fucking divorce, man. Way bigger than what we had back in high school.

You were mine and were supposed to be mine forever! I can't even accept that in my own mind but I had to...or I'd lose her forever. This is what she wanted so...

"You're right. That's better than not even speaking to each other, right?"

Ten fucking years of my love being poured down the drain. Ten years of my life was just thrown in the trash. Ten years of giving myself up to only one person, gone.

Ten years of giving my all were officially gone in the matter of two hours.

****
Alright, don't hate me.

I know I know. If you've followed the girls since Screw Me Over, you know how hard this was to read, harder for me to write.

Do you think this will last long though?

Do you think Jana will get back with Kat or find somebody else?

Will Jess stay with Mario or will something happen there?

Thanks for reading my rollercoaster of a story but it's the story I can relax with. I'm not writing for an audience but for myself. Probably why I don't have this edited.

But thanks to everyone that's reading it!

Love ya!