Quick A/N - lyrics are NOT mine. Trust me I tried writing some it was awful.  Attached is Someone to Love you by Matt Morris. The other is Jonny Lang - Hide your Love - if you google it you'll find a video or if you want to dm me i'll send you a link to one. 

another shout out to the always incomparable David - AKA _opheliac

-------

These stupid early morning shows are the bane of my existence, but even though it's my last day with Scott, I'm still in an ok mood. Part of that is Connor and his fluffy clouds/field of sunflowers disposition. Having him around is keeping me from bringing everyone down with my sadness and instead is bringing UP the general mood of some serious anti-morning people. I'm pretty sure he's not human and nothing you tell me will convince me otherwise. 

He's been hanging back though, letting me have this one last day to take care of Scott and I couldn't be more grateful.

Scott's tired and grumpy, but I know how to fix it, at least long enough for him to smile for the cameras and put on a hell of a show. As he's shifting back and forth and fiddling with his shirt sleeves, I come out of nowhere and jump on him to smoosh a long kiss to his cheek.

He laughs and tries to wrap his arms around me, but I quickly maneuver away. "Don't screw up!!!"

Easy, fangirls... I say that to him all the time.

He starts to come after me but Esther appears and lets him know he's on in 2 and she leads him away.

Connor and I watch the interview backstage and dance around to his performances. I'm determined to stay positive because there really isn't enough time to be grouchy with the days schedule.

Once the Today show is done we head off for a quick brunch of sorts and then its quick change time and we're off to a signing. He's going to be there awhile so once he's settled in Connor and I go on an adventure around the city, and I buy so many of Scott's albums its ridiculous. Eventually I'll give them away, but not until after the first week sales are final. Hey... those people could buy their own albums and I won't hurt those sales numbers, honey. Not that he'll need help getting the #1, but just to be safe.

Connor thinks I'm a little crazy, but I know I am. He posts a photo of me and my many bags of CDs and I know I'm going to get judged hardcore, but the fücks are gone people. The fücks are just completely gone.

We make it back with only 10 minutes to spare but then we're off again to film The Tonight Show and Scott is getting grouchy again. We talk quietly on the car ride over to NBC studios, and after some teasing I'm able to get him smiling again.

Once we're there I pester him until he finally gives in and eats a little snack and I send Connor off on the coffee run for us so I don't have to leave him.

When Gus and the girls have finished making sure he's perfect (well, he's already perfect but y'know), I make sure he drinks another bottle of water and uses the bathroom (standard procedure before pretty much anything in life) but then we just sit and chill and talk until he has to go do his thing. 

Connor and I hang out in the dressing room and listen to some music while we wait. We talk for a bit but suddenly my phone starts going off like crazy and when I see it's David I know I'm in for it... whatever it is.

David: YOU
David: YOU BRAINLESS WALNUT
David: YOU FLAVORLESS PIECE OF CHEWED BACON
David: YOU ABSOLUTE FÜCKTARD
David: GET YOUR ASS IN HERE GRASSI!

Mitch: ????????

David: WHAT THE FÜCK ARE YOU SCOTT'S ASSISTANT FOR BESIDES STARING DREAMILY AT HIM?
David: DID YOU ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC?

Mitch: of course i did!
Mitch: what is your drama

David: Are you deaf? Are you even dumber than I thought??
David: Mitch did you fucking LISTEN to the new album
David: All of it???????????
David: All of the damn songs????

Mitch: yes it's perfect

David: You
David: You are really fücking stupid
David: Or you're lying to me again
David: ....are you??

Mitch: no i mean i listened but we've been so busy it's been hard to really listen

David: Take a break NOW and go listen to these 2 tracks
David: Someone to Love You and Hide Your Love
David: NOW. NOT LATER NOT TOMORROW NOW I MEAN NOW
David: NOW!

Mitch: seriously?!

Wow he is wound up today. Too much espresso again!? 

David: IM GONNA MAKE YOU SKYPE ME TO BE SURE YOURE LISTENING IF YOU DONT FÜCKING HURRY UP BOY
David: GO FÜCKING LISTEN YOU IDIOT

Ok ok, jeez. They're great songs, I don't mind listening to them, but damn. What has his panties in a bunch?

Mitch: i can't skype right now i'm with connor ... but i'll listen calm yourself

David: WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT CONNOR
David: I HAVE ZERO FÜCKS TO GIVE ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL MY FÜCKS ARE ALL G O N E

Join the club buddy. I tell Connor about David's freak out and he just shakes his head laughing. I decide to send a short video clip of Connor hitting play and the song playing through the phone speaker. Connor and I are both laughing in the background, but David's freakout is kinda comical, I can't help it.

David: ALL MY FÜCKS FLEW AWAY WHEN YOU BOTH DECIDED TO BECOME THE REINCARNATION OF THE GOD OF STUPIDITY

Thanks for the kind words, friend. Alright lets listen to this song. I sit back and open up one of the CDs I bought and pull out the booklet. The lyrics are there, tiny as shít and hard to read, but there.

Try every single day
I know you're worth the wait
Am I getting closer or further away
Somewhere behind your eyes
I know my answer lies
But you won't release it
I wish you would try
To open up and let me see inside

Down deep in your heart I want to be
Down where you hide your love for me
'Cause I've got to go, I've got to be
Let me inside down where
you hide your love for me

Round and round we go, circles all I know
Deeper and deeper, endless and slow
Everywhere I turn the same old lesson learned
Over and over I just get burned

No there's nothing you can say
That's ever gonna make me change
I'll always feel this way

Ok. I get that it COULD be about me, but that doesn't mean it is. It could be about anyone really.

Mitch: ok Hide Your Love is amazing but that doesn't mean it's about me

"He thinks it's about me." I show Con the David freakout and expect to him be surprised or something.

Instead he just raises an eyebrow with an amused smile. "Isn't it?"

Fine everyone gang up on me at once. I pout and change the song to Someone to Love You. I already get emotional listening to this song even when I'm not strictly listening to the lyrics. It's such a beautiful song and his voice kills me on it, but I try to not get distracted and I find the lyrics in the booklet as it starts playing.

David: Oh fücking hell
David: You're not noticing a theme in both songs? Nothing at all? Zero? Nada? Niente???
David: Don't make me start yelling in italian cause i will fücking do it!!!!!!.
David: Open your ears and your fucking brain i know you have one somewhere in that stupid little pin head of yours

Mitch: Easy, I'm listening to the other one.

From where you stand
There's no way to change it
No way to make it make sense
And it's lonely there
There in the spotlight
Well, honey, don't I understand

You need someone to love you
Need someone to hold you
Tonight
You need someone to love you
Need someone to tell you
That everything is alright
Someone to love you

When you look at me
try hard to hide it
Try hard to keep it all in
But I found you out
Discovered your secret
And, honey, it ain't a sin

You need someone to love you
Need someone to hold you
Tonight
You need someone to love you
Need someone to tell you
That everything is alright
Someone to love you

This one hurts... a lot, and by the time it's over I'm hugging myself. Con is watching me and I don't know how I've managed not to cry. It feels like the words are meant just for me and even if they aren't, they hit home. I don't know if Scott meant them to be that way, or if he was writing it just for himself, but there's no way to know without asking. I know what David's trying to do but I don't know what say about it. I don't know how to FEEL about it.

Mitch: ok so Someone to Love You makes me cry but that doesn't mean it's about me... and if it is ... it doesn't matter anymore david. i'm leaving and he's not speaking up and he already knows how i feel

David: Oh for fuck's sake!!! It's about YOU!! They both are!!!
David: Fuck Mitch seriously you can't be SO CLUELESS

Mitch: connor just called me an idiot...

He did and he's sitting next to me now and reading as I type. I don't even mind... my brain is too overloaded to take the time to mind. 

David: You said he didnt let you listen to the slower songs when he was with you THAT WAS A HINT
David: BECAUSE CONNOR IS SMART

Mitch: my replacement is telling me i'm an idiot ... how lovely
Mitch: but regardless - i've already committed to leaving now so it doesn't matter
Mitch: fine...i'm going to tell him but he already knows... i know he does

David: You have to tell him before you leave
David: Fuck Mitch I'm serious you can't screw this up
David: It isn't fair to any of you! He deserves to hear you say it and you deserve to get it out

Mitch: alright i promise
Mitch: connor's on your side you traitors! He doesn't count, he's innocent and impressionable.

David: Mitch everyone sees it
David: Is Connor reading my messages cause if so Connor do you think Scott is completely in love with Mitch too

Mitch: i'm taking away your connor privileges you're not allowed to team up on me

David: Don't you dare

Mitch: fine fine ill tell him and connor says he's team david
Mitch: you both suck

David: Connor is smart
David: also cute
David: *wink wink*

Mitch: i'm aware of both things :(

David: you're also very cute and smart when you want to be and when you're not wallowing in self pity

Mitch: Ok. Scott's coming back soon and this song makes me sad so thank you for making me listen to it
Mitch: rude.

David: I'm sorry but you need to understand and you're so into your own head with the whole "Scott doesn't love me" that you need an outside push
David: it's your last day Mitchy..I know you know, and I don't wanna make you sad, but please don't waste it
David: I don't want you to regret it

Mitch: not like it'll do much good anyway - he's leaving at sunrise tomorrow

David: you never know

Mitch: alright

David: kk, gotta go work some more. I love you. Say hi to Connor from me pls and thank you :)))

Mitch: alright love you

Great, now Connor's judging me too. He squeezes my shoulder a little and goes to find the girls, leaving me to sit and think about how the hell I'm going to do this.

------

When we're back at the hotel room and I'm getting ready for the album release party, Scott and I dance and drink a couple of glasses of wine just to help with the sadness. After that we take a ton of mirror pics and selfies and I don't even yell at him when he takes a ton of pics and videos of me.

Gus and the girls (I keep telling them they should start a band with that name. I'd buy the shít out of that album.) come by to get Scott dressed and party ready. Everyone is a little bit emotional, but we keep it all in like the pros that we are.

The album release party is an extravagant affair and while I wish I could stay attached to his hip, this is the time when I have to share him ...

He's smiling as he moves through the crowd, catching up with some suits and celebs he hasn't seen in awhile, but I know most of it is going through the motions. It's kind of nice being a nobody amongst the elite. It's easy to stand aside and watch him from afar, taking in what I can, while I can.

"You're being obvious." 

I don't even look away from him when Connor moves to stand beside me. I shrug a little.

"I don't care. I just... look at him. He's perfect. This... all of this... its where he belongs." ... and I'm where I belong.

"Maybe... but he'd rather be with you."

I finally tear my eyes away from Scott to look at the smiling boy as he backs away to rejoin the party. A few guests say hello to me, and I hold conversations for short periods of time, but I'm ready to escape sooner than I expected.

I slip out to an area that's closed to the guests, but there's a nice balcony and I need some air ... and space.

I lean on the railing, closing my eyes and enjoying the breeze. I don't know how to feel, but I do know what I have to do. If he turns me away then I can cry it out and then move on. If I don't say it... I'll always wonder what could have been and I'll never get over him.

I really should have drank more.

I'm out there maybe 10 minutes when I hear the balcony door open and close. I already know it's him before I can see him. I expect him to stand beside me, but instead his arms snake around my waist and I place mine on top of his just to enjoy it.

The first tear of the night makes its way down my cheek and I know there are hundreds more to follow.

"Everything's going to change." He's speaking into my shoulder and my heart aches at the thought of never feeling this close to him again.

I exhale and lean back into him and he tightens his hold just a little.

"I know"

"Don't go."

I'd been waiting for him to say those words and now that he has I wish he'd take them back. They burn right through the core of my heart and regret threatens to choke me.

"I have to." My face is wet with tears and my chest feels stretched from too much pressure inside, but he's holding me together for now.

"I don't know if I can do this without you."

I know he's crying, I can hear it in his voice.. and I hate that I've done this to him. I turn to face him, shifting and backing away just a bit so i can take his hands. "You can and you will. You did this for how long before I came along. Besides, you can still text me or call me or facetime. I'm not disappearing."

"It's not the same."

We watch each other in silence and the longer he looks at me the more he cries and the more it breaks my heart.

"I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me. Ever."

"Then why does it feel like this?"

We're both becoming a mess and I feel the truth bubbling up. I know it's time.

I've been holding on to it for too long.

I look at his hands, squeezing them for courage before I get lost in those gorgeous, stupid blue eyes that are glossy with tears. He's still so beautiful.

"Scott, I have to tell you something. I should have told you a long time ago I just... couldn't find the courage to. I-"

"-No."

The word catches me off guard and also the change in demeanor. I just blink a couple of times trying to understand what's happening but he suddenly lets go of my hands and backs away a step.

"No. I can't...not now. Not when you're leaving me."

"Scott, I don't-" 

"NO! Please... just don't."

I expected rejection, I just thought that I'd gone through the scenarios so many times that maybe I'd feel numb to it, but instead the pain travels through my limbs and weighs them down like lead. I try to mask the hurt so he doesn't have to see it, but I don't think it would matter anyway. He holds up a hand as if I'm going to push the subject on him and backs away towards the door.

I watch as he clenches his jaw, fingers trembling and curling in on themselves... tears still falling. He averts his eyes at the last moment, gaze darting around took anywhere but at me.

If this is the end...it certainly isn't the end I wanted.

"I'm sorry." My voice is strangled and quiet, but it's all I can manage to squeak out as I'm barely holding myself together.

He doesn't say anything else before he turns and is out the door as fast as he can... almost desperate to get away ...from me.

The moment the door closes all of it crashes down on me and my legs give out. I end up on my knees, trying to somehow keep breathing.

I'm not very successful.

It's another 10 minutes before I can force myself to my feet... and another 5 to stop the tears. I know I look like shít, but I still have to make my way through the party before I can escape. I steel myself, clenching my teeth to keep my mind focused as I open the door and slowly, yet purposefully make my way toward the exit. I see Scott out of the corner of my eye. He's across the room smiling as he talks to one of the Sony execs, but I don't look his way, or any way except forward. It feels like time slows down, but finally I find the exit and flag a taxi.

Looks like the end of an era really is an end.

~

I make it back to the hotel suite thanks to pure muscle memory. My thoughts are too scattered to really pay attention and I have no idea how long I sit on the end my bed staring at the wall.

I feel like a bomb about to explode and I'm not sure what possesses me to grab my laptop and turn on the camera, but I do. I hit record and then just sit cross legged staring at myself crying for awhile before I figure out what I'm doing.

"I don't know where to start." Or why I'm doing this...

"I don't know why it even matters anymore, but it matters to me." Ugh, I look awful and I can't stop crying and sniffling but I know I have to get this out. I have to.

"I know you're mad at me. I know you're upset and hurt that I'm leaving, but you never asked me why." I don't even sound like myself... like I can't recognize my own voice. I want to stop, to close my laptop and curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep, but these words need out before they kill me.

"I have to leave because I-" My heart feels like it's caught in my throat and I have to hold back a sob before I can form words. "Because i'm so in love with you that it hurts."

I have to take a second to catch my breath, and I close my eyes and press my lips together to fight the urge to just break down in a sobbing mess.

When I open my eyes again I can barely see myself through the tears and I don't even care. "Every time you look at me or touch me or hold me..." My voice breaks and I have to close my eyes again, the memory of his arms around me nearly kills me and I have to pause. I grip the comforter, squeezing fistfuls of it to try and stay grounded.  "Scott you don't understand how bad it hurts. I watch you go through boyfriends and flings and ... every time it tears me apart. And then every time I thought I'd have a chance to find someone who might care about me... it turned out they were only using me to get to you. It's always you. I didn't know what else to do. I had to look at you every fücking day and know I couldn't have you ... but then you'd look at me... and sometimes... I'd hope... "

I'm whimpering now, my throat tight and my voice broken.

I have to cover my mouth for a second, another attempt to keep from breaking down, but I clench my teeth and buckle down. I have to say it.

"You're too good to me. I didn't deserve it but that never seemed to matter to you. But I did my best... all I ever wanted to do was make you happy. I just wanted to see you smile."

I sniffle a little and wipe at my eyes.

"Y'know... you never asked how I knew how to make your coffee that first time we met." The memory brings a small smile to my face but only for a moment. "I told you I was a fan, but... I was a bit of a super fan. I ran a fan blog and baristas used to send me your coffee order all the time. That's how I knew. I never stopped being a fan, how could I? I kept my fan account but no one knew who I was and I never posted inside information, I swear. I would never do that to you. Ava helped me, but I kept the blog and sometimes I wrote fanfic. I'm sorry about that. I know you'll think it's creepy but I didn't mean it to be. I just... I don't know why I'm telling you this, I just... don't want to keep anything else inside. I'm tired of lying and I'm tired of hiding and ... I just need to say it. I tried to tell you so many times. I tried right before you gave me the Iceland tickets... I tried again in Iceland and other times but we were always interrupted. I tried to tell you tonight but... "

The brief composure I'd had falls to pieces again as I remember the look on his face. I know that saying this really doesn't matter anymore. Scott hates me and he's never going to hear this anyway.

"I'm so sorry about ... all of it... everything. I don't want to leave. It's the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. I want to stay, but ... I can't live like this anymore. I can't spend the rest of my life being so in love with someone who'll never love me back." If ever there were time for a Sam Smith 'Not in That Way' soundtrack then this would be it. I'm a disaster.

"It's ok that you don't... I understand that, but I can't keep living that fantasy, Scott. I have to let go of you now or I never will."

It takes a second to get my tears under control enough to keep my voice understandable.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade a second I've spent with you for anything else in the world. I love you, Scott Hoying. With all of my heart and soul I love you. I love your laugh and your smile and your gumby arms... I love the way you hold me when I'm sad, the way you always try to protect me. I love your heart because it's so full of love for everyone and you give so much of yourself without asking for anything in return. You're amazing, Scott. You really are and I consider myself the luckiest man alive to have known you like I have. So thank you. Thank you for always being there... for always loving me... even if it was just as a friend."

There's not much left in me and I bite down on my bottom lip to get out the last little bit.

"I wish you happiness and all the love in the world because you deserve it. You're going to make some man very, very happy some day."

Oh God, keep it together. You're almost there... you can do it. Just breathe.

"I love you, Scott. I love you so much ... and I probably won't ever stop, but that's ok. Even if it hurts... it was still worth every second. So I guess this is it. Tomorrow morning I'll watch you fly away to your new life without me."

That thought hurts so so much, but it's true and there's no turning back now.

"but I'm not worried about you. Connor's a good guy and you're so much stronger than you realize. Just be happy, Scott. Please. Just be happy."

There's so much more I want to say but my emotions are beginning to get away from me. I can't keep holding it back.

"I love you... always and forever. Goodbye."

I press the stop button and save the file but that's as far as I get before I collapse over onto my side and let out the wail I'd been holding in, and the sobs aren't far behind.

It's all over.

The end of an era.