(THANKS TO THE WONDERFUL _opheliac for writing for 'David'. )

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another day, another city, another hotel room. At least this one has really comfy beds with a shít ton of pillows. It's perfect for laptop time.

Now that we've gotten all the boring exposition out of the way we can move on to my dirty little secret. It's not really a secret since it's out for everyone to see, but it's definitely a secret I keep from Scott.

I've already mentioned that I write fic, but let me explain a bit more about it. I've been in the fandom since the very beginning and I think that's why my stories caught on so well (I mean when there's slim pickings beggars can't be choosers). Fics were few and far between for the longest time. The ones that were around back then usually had Scott paired with females with vague descriptions, sloppy sex scenes full of a thousand watered down synonyms for 'penìs' because the authors were too afraid to say the word CᴏCK, and 'plots' so scattered it made me want to vomit. (DISCLAIMER - no offense to any writers, that's just not my scene. To each their own.) It was tough to find someone to pair him with because he'd been such an assgoblin back then and didn't really do any public things with any hot guys.

Finally, I decided it was time to fix that. If Scott wasn't going to take the initiative and find a hot guy to hang around with then I would make one up for him. Me.

Ok maybe not exactly me but a version of me that would be worthy of Scott.. If I were Emerson (my character) then Scott would be mine and we'd fück off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who wishes they were Emery. #Emerott eventually caught on and soon my created OTP had it's own little mini fandom.

Now before we go further I have to admit that I am not even close to the greatest writer in the world and I'm not even the greatest writer in the Scott fandom, but it's fun and people like it and it helps me get out some of the damn sexual frustration the real Scott leaves me with on an hourly fücking basis.

Now... what to write... what to write. I need inspiration. This usually isn't a problem as I see the subject of my stories every damn day. Unfortunately Scott is out with some of the crew so my eye candy options are currently limited. Still I need something... an idea... ANY idea.

I need David.

David is my internet bestie who deals with my whining and bullshít as long as he gets first dibs on my stories. So maybe I tricked him into being my beta. I have no regrets.

To the chat I runnnnnnn

Lance: DAVVVVIIDDDDDD
Lance: HELLPPPP
Lance: SOS
Lance: 911
Lance: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i'm a fücking drama queen. Gets the job done right? You may have also noticed that I go by 'Lance' in the fandom. Mundane but it was on the pack of crackers I was eating when I was trying to come up with a name. Could you imagine if people knew I was Scott's assistant. Just the idea makes me nauseous. OOOh David read my messages. Took him long enough. Now ANSWER ME, BITCH! Please?

David: I'm going to need more coffee for this

Lance: Its like 10 PM
Lance: fück timezones

David: it's not like coffee has a time limit

Lance: I forget you're a fücking vampire and never sleep

David: don't mock my sleep deprived body please

Lance: suck it up cupcake this is an emergency

David: it's always an emergency with you
David: are you gonna say why you're summoning me or am I supposed to guess?

Lance: ideas. you have them. i need them. gimme

David: it's not like you can just summon me for general ideas, I'm not a creative whore. Gimme something to work with at least or i'm gonna go with.  Scott.  Sex.  Boom. That should cover it

Lance: Ugh, fine. You're supposed to be helpful

David: I AM helpful. I'm just trying to narrow down some options keep your pants on bby

Lance: um... we did tattoo artist we did fantasy we did sci fi ... if you say fücking fluff i will murder you

Lance: can you put dinosaurs and smut in the same story!?

David: as If I would ever ask for fluff
David: the idea is very disturbing. Would he be a t-rex? Cause their arms are not so good for sexy stuff

Lance: Not fücking dinosaur sex wtf is your brain

David: you can go with sex while watching the new Jurassic World at the movie theater then. That should cover it

Lance: just had a chris pratt/ scott jurassic world mind worm
Lance: so wait how would that even work? like a handjob in the back row?

David: handjob, blowjob..depends how flexible you want it to be

Lance: or should Scott have a private theater at his house

David: oooh bless
David: i wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Wonder if he does

Lance: he does

BACKUP! FÜCK

Lance: i mean of course he does he's fucking loaded, why wouldn't he?!
Lance: anyway it might be sexier in public but less smutty
Lance: sexy vs smutty hmm

I wonder if Scott has ever had sex in his movie room. Probably not. I mean, I'm sure he would have told me about it. I bet I know what I'm going to dream about tonight.

David: can it be sexy while being very descriptive i love smutty

Lance: descriptive hand/blow job
Lance: Wait who's receiving? this could go either way
Lance: HA i just imagined Scott trying to curl his gigantic body to give a bj in a movie theater LOL

David: let your fantasies run willldd. I'm happy to jump in the story if it's gonna be a threesome feel free to use my name

Lance: Back off my OTP and keep your dick to yourself

David: my dick is always by itself, my dick is lonelyyyy

Lance: Maybe you'll be the theater worker to clean up the aftermath

David: EW. No thank you. I'm happy to be the voyeuristic old man in the back row

Lance: Such a perv
Lance: alright it's a start

David: see and you say i'm not helpful

Lance: now if you could just write the whole fücking story for me that would be great.

David: aaaaand that's my cue to become unhelpful again

Lance: Bitch you love me. Any new Scott news I should know about while I've been stuck at work?!

David: sigh, you always know more than me. Saw a new snap of him and cute assistant boy. Wonder if something fishy is going on.

*Snort* In my dreams. Oo thanks for calling me cute. Ok, so how would I respond if i wasn't me. Hmmm.

Lance: Lucky asshole. I think we should all hate him just because.

David: Oh. He wore that stupid red flannel again that make his eyes look bluer than the blueeee sky. Nothing else I guess

Lance: God, I wish he was wearing nothing else.
Lance: i vote we burn all of his other clothing so he's forced to wear it all day every day
Lance: or we can burn it too

David: I volunteer to do the burnin thing. He shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes at all

Lance: Just imagine....
Lance:  Wait, if he was naked all the time none of us would survive.
Lance:  maybe I can convince him to at least take another shirtless snap or two

DAMNIT!

Lance: on twitter... i mean
Lance: like he'd ever really notice me

David: Ha. Well you can try. If he knew you're his biggest fangirl he might even marry you. Or, you know, get a restraining order.
David: There's not much difference
David: We should befriend his cute assistant. Oh THAT is the perfect idea. He can totally burn Scott's clothes as much as he wants I bet

He fücking wishes. Trust me.

Lance: At least he follows you

David: Bitch I still don't know how that happened, but it's not like he notices. Thankfully. If he saw the things I tweetttttt

Lance: SAME! Maybe it's better he doesn't follow me.
Lance: Does his assistant even have a twitter?
Lance: Maybe he has an instagram. OH maybe he can convince SCOTT to get an instagram
Lance: all the pictures all the time

That is a wonderful idea. I should have thought of that ages ago.

David: no idea. What's his name again?

Ok, so It's not like the people in the fandom don't know about me. I've been with Scott long enough that people vaguely realize I'm part of his entourage. Thankfully, no one cares enough about me to remember my name and that's just fine with me.  I used to have a personal twitter but it got bombarded by fans looking for info on Scott and I was worried I'd accidentally tweet from the wrong account or something equally as stupid so I had to delete it. Sad day. Unfortunately, Scott has decided that snapchat is his new favorite thing and I'm one of his favorite things to snap. I'm sure the rumor mill will be coming up with some outrageous theories soon if it hasn't already started. I'll have to talk to Ava and see what our little minions are saying and sending in. I don't even want to see the ask box on tumblr. For now I'll plead ignorance.

Lance: I really should remember by now but I don't. It starts with an M I think. Scott makes my brain focus on one thing and one thing only. Sorry assistant guy.

Lance: Alright I should stop thinking of an instagram dedicated to naked Scott (yum) and get to writing
Lance: you should go attempt to be a normal human being and fücking sleep

David: ha, as if that will ever happen. Coffee is just now kicking in. I have stupid work shit to do. Yay for not being paid!!!
David: Instagram dedicated to naked Scott - well there goes my new wet dream. Thank you
David: You anyway should go back to work. You know, the one you at least get paid for, lucky bitch

Lance: you're welcome :) and thank you for your mostly unhelpful assistance. I shall repay you with mediocre storytelling and a descriptive hand job.
Lance: How's that for getting paid

David: Do you think I can order some chinese food and pay with your descriptive hand job

Lance: If you try you better film that shít
Lance: night bitch

Now, before I forget....

Text to Scott: You should get an instagram

Message sent <3

Scott: That seems like a lot of work

Mitch: Because snapchat isn't

Mitch: the fans would love it

Mostly me. I would very much enjoy it.

Scott: maybe

Mitch: just a suggestion

Scott: do you have one?

Mitch: no

Scott: I'll think about it

I hope he does. God, I'm such a creeper. I know he's my best friend and it's probably not healthy to be so thirsty for him, but I mostly keep them separate... sort of.  I mean it's ok to thirst for entertainer Scott while quietly crushing on best friend Scott, right?

I'm hopeless.

Alright, no more heavy thinking. It's time to think about more important things....

So BJ or handjob?