Why is dating so stressful? UGH!

Oh, right, I guess I should tell you I GOT A DATE!!! Yes, me... all on my own. So there was this event Scott went to last night which left me and the girls to do as we pleased and Esther got us invited to this really nice party. It was amazing (AKA there were tons of gorgeous men everywhere... and the accents ... KILL ME.).

Long story short I used my charms to reel in a gorgeous man.. Yes... ME! We talked all night and not once did he mention Scott. BONUS POINTS. His name is Nyle and he's tall with dark hair and these blue eyes that are KILLER. (I swear they don't remind me of anyone else's. SWEAR) Mama is excited.

But damn, there's so many decisions. I think I tried on 30 different outfits before I found 'the one' and my hair is just being a disaster. That ONE piece of hair does NOT want to cooperate. Why must it hate me so?.

Now where is my concealer?

"I'm here for a good time, not a long time, you know I... I haven't had a good time in a long time you know I... I'm wayy up I feel blessed. I'm way up I feel blessed."

"Dammmmn boy, are you sure you're not the grammy winner?" 

I look up in the mirror to see Scott standing in the doorway with a smile. I sing when I'm nervous... and usually when I'm alone but whatever. Scott likes to turn every song into a broadway song and it's just something we do sometimes. We have a lot of quirks.

Actually, I'm surprised to see him around. I know he's got a thing with Cameron tonight and I figured he'd be gone already, in fact I didn't even hear him come in.

"Ha ha. Aren't you supposed to be meeting Cameron in like 5 minutes?"

He shrugs and moves into the spacious bathroom and hops up onto the counter to my right.

"What are you getting all dressed up for? You look amazing by the way."

"Why thank you and if you must know you aren't the only one with a date tonight."

I expect a snarky comeback but he's suddenly silent.

"You didn't tell me you met someone?"

"It just didn't come up." 

"Do I know him?"

Oh here we go. 50 questions like he's my mom. I know he cares, but I'm not really his little brother. He doesn't have to worry about me all the time.

"No, I don't think so. I met him last night."

"Wait, you just met him and you're going out alone with him?"

"Um... yeah that's usually how dates work?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea? Where are you going? You're going to be in public right?"

Seriously? Does he hear himself right now? I finish double checking that my makeup looks invisible and then I give him a look

"Scott, I'm a grown man. I promise I'll be fine."

"Maybe me and Cameron should come with you... like a double. Just to be safe."

Oh yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want to spend my night doing, watching Cameron make googly eyes at you ...   and watching you kiss someone else. No thank you.

"Seriously? No... I think we'll be fine."

"And are you sure you want to start something with someone who lives in Nashville? I mean we live in LA. Long distance relationships rarely work and they're really hard."

"He works in LA sometimes. It wouldn't be that bad. Besides, it's just a first date, relax." 

"Well, at least tell me his name and where you're going in case something happens. Do you know when you'll be back?"

Oh my God. It wasn't this bad when I was living at home with my parents. Jeez.

"Scott, you're going to be late."

"He can wait. Please tell me."

If it'll get you off my back, fine.

"Fine, his name is Nyle and we're going to this restaurant called Maggianos. It's supposed to be pretty authentic Italian food, but I doubt it. I shouldn't be out too late." Unless mama gets lucky, and boy is she hoping so. I can just imagine Nyle's arms around me... his hands... among other things. Yes, mama is REALLY hoping so.

I hear Scott's text notification go off and I would bet it's Cameron. Still he ignores it. I don't know why he's still staring at me, and I can't quite figure out what his expression is indicating, but I'm gonna go with overprotective, worried Scott. I really wish he'd stop chewing on his bottom lip, it's really fücking distracting.

"Will you text me if you're going to be out late?"

"Scott..."

"Please?"

*Sigh* Yes it's sweet that he's so concerned, but it's also really, really annoying.

"Alright"

"Promise?"

Now I can't help but laugh. He's definitely late for Cameron by now but he doesn't seem concerned about him, at least not as much as me going out with a strange man. He doesn't make it easy.

"I promise. Now go before Cameron starts blowing up your phone. And if you show up at Maggianos I will lose my mind."

He rolls his eyes and it takes him another moment before he slides off of the counter. He still doesn't look happy, but I'm not exactly ecstatic he's going out with Cameron so we're even.

He starts to head out but he stops again in the doorway.

"Mitch?"

"Yeah, babe?"

He looks like there's something he doesn't know how to say but finally he just spits it out.

"Be careful. Please."

"Always."

When he's gone there's a nagging feeling somewhere in the back of my brain, but I just dismiss it as transference from his debbie downer attitude. I am going to go out and I am going to have fun and PRAY for dessert.

I deserve some fun too.

~~~~~

My feet feel like lead as I approach the door to our suite. I know Scott's back, he's been texting for the last hour, but I just don't know what to say. I stare at the door for a bit, making sure I've got some composure before I fish through my wallet trying to locate my keycard. My heart sinks as I realize it must have gotten left behind at Nyle's. Why not...

It's just my luck.

I know I could just knock on the door or text and Scott would let me in, but all of my emotions come crashing down on me at once and instead I find myself backing away until I'm sliding down the opposite wall as my composure breaks. Of course I'm sobbing in the middle of a random hallway in Nashville, story of my life.

The night started out so well...

We had a great time, he was so polite and did all of the right things, pulled out my chair, held my hand, told me how amazing I looked... There were signs, of course, I was just too caught up in him to recognize them. When he asked if we could go back to my hotel he looked so disappointed when I said we couldn't. When we got to his place and he asked if we could hang out at my hotel tomorrow... I should have realized why he was asking, but he hadn't mentioned Scott and I hadn't even told him that's whose assistant I was. He seemed content with my 'maybe' and after that I was too distracted to think about anything.

When he kissed me it's like I lost all brain function. It'd just been so long and he was so gorgeous I didn't want to protest when he got a little too rough. I practically begged for it like a straight up slut and now I'm wearing the marks to prove it. It was a little painful at times but mostly it was really amazing. He made me feel beautiful, wanted... I should have known better. When it was over he asked about taking me back to my hotel and walking me up to my room.

I almost agreed, then he asked if... if I could introduce him to Scott.

He's his favorite singer... and he'd die for a chance to meet him.

Apparently he'd also fool his assistant into thinking he liked him and even use him for a night if it gave him a chance to get close.

I shouldn't be this upset about it, I've been through it so many times I can't even count, but I slept with him. I let my guard down for him and he used me like a stepping stone to get to someone better, hotter.

I should have known better.

God I can't even move without being reminded of my mistake, but all I want to do is forget.

My text notification goes off and I know without looking that it's Scott again. I know he's worried about where I am, but I just can't face him. Not like this... He'll want to know everything and I don't want to tell him how much of a whore I am. God I just ... I can't.

So I just sit there, crying into my knees and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me. My head aches from the constant pulling on my hair when I was on my knees and I probably won't have a voice in the morning, yet still I try to think of something to tell Scott that would hide the truth.

I can only imagine the disapproval, the disappointment in his eyes when he hears what I've done and even though I should hate him as he's made my love life unbearable, he's all I can bring myself to care about. I'm so fücking screwed up.

Another two texts echo through the hallway and I know I need to answer soon before he has a conniption.

The thought of him pacing the floor waiting for me on the other side of that door starts up the waterworks again and another sob steals my breath as I bury my face in my knees again.

And just when I think this night can't get any worse I hear the door open and I know he's standing there. It only makes the crying worse and I refuse to look up.

"Mitch? Oh my God."

My pulse races when he kneels in front of me and lifts my chin. His eyes spot the marks on my neck and collarbone easily and when his face falls my heart follows suit.

"If he hurt you, I swear I'll kill him."

I should laugh, but he's dead serious and it makes my heart ache even more.

"Please tell me what happened?"

I open my mouth to say something, anything but my lip just trembles and suddenly i'm wrapped up in his arms. I cling to him, and he holds on tight. I don't want him to but he pulls back just enough to try and meet my eyes again. I try to ignore the single tear I see slide down his cheek, my heart can't handle it.

"Mitch I need you to tell me ... did he hit you? Did he... force you?"

My face burns with shame, and I still can't seem to speak but I manage to shake my head no. I know I shouldn't be crying, I mean I basically asked for it, but I can't help it. I honestly can't.

He takes a deep breath and before I can protest he's lifted me off of the ground and is carrying me inside to set me down on my bed. I know I look a mess, but I can't seem to make the tears stop.

He's quiet as he finds me some sweats and a tee and while I change he disappears into the bathroom to wet a cloth and returns with it to wipe the tears and makeup from my face.

By the time I've pulled myself together he's standing in front of me looking like he might start crying as well. He pushes some hair from my face before kissing my forehead, lips lingering long enough to topple any composure I'd managed to find.

He was already in his sweats so we both climb into my bed and he pulls me against him and lets me cry into his shirt for awhile while he tells me it'll be alright, that I'm safe now and he won't let anyone hurt me. It takes awhile but finally I find my voice.

"I"m so stupid."

"You're not."

"I am. I should have known what he wanted. It's what they all want." 

"Mitchy...."

"I just thought that for once... I mean he made me feel like... someone could finally want me for me ... i'm never enough."

"You're more than enough. Jesus, Mitch this is not your fault."

"You don't even know what happened."

"I don't have to. You're amazing Mitch. I don't tell you enough, but you are. You're perfect. You're gorgeous and smart and funny. You always know how to make me smile no matter how sad I am. You're creative and so talented. You're so unique and so incredibly special and you have the most amazing smile I've ever seen. You're absolutely beautiful inside and out. You're the most perfect man ... and if he didn't see that then he's a blind idiot."

Why does he have to be so sweet. I know he's trying to make me feel better, but the sincerity in his eyes and his voice cuts through me and my heart feels like an exposed nerve. I don't deserve his words, but I appreciate them nonetheless.

"He wanted me to introduce him to you. That's what he wanted... He slept with me... to get to you."

When he pulls back to look at me, the white hot anger in his eyes is surprising. He's rarely angry with anyone and I shrink a little under the intensity of those blue flames. The shame comes rushing back when he runs his fingers over what must be a hickey on my neck and I swear the anger intensifies.

"I said I would. I said I'd introduce you. I didn't know what else to say. I just wanted to get away and I just said it and ran. I left my keycard by accident, it must have fell out of my pocket."

I'm rambling now, words just pouring out of me.

"He's not coming ANYWHERE near you EVER. If he comes near me I may kill him. He's lucky I'm not finding his address and murdering him right now. How can he not realize how lucky he was. Some people would give everything to be with you."

"So where the hell are they? No one wants me." I watched the anger in his eyes dissipate into sadness.

"That's not true. Mitchy, I-"

"No. I don't need your pity I'm just... I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have slept with him I was just...I thought... I was so stupid." I bury my face in his chest again, and it's only after listening to his heartbeat for a couple of seconds that I realize I've probably ruined his night. "Shít. You were probably going to Cameron's room weren't you. I'm so fücking sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your night too...."

"No. No, I.. I broke it off with Cameron. I didn't even really like him that much. It wasn't fair to him."

I didn't know what to say to that, it just seemed to spur on a new onset of tears but I cuddled in closer and he held me just as tight. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not."

Things were quiet for a little after that as I cried until it felt like my eyes were swollen and puffy. He asked for details about what happened and though I didn't want to tell him everything, I did. He chased away all of the negative words I said about myself and replaced them with positive ones and made sure I knew he meant every single one.

He was tense, alternating between anger and sadness for most of the night, but he never left my side except to grab me water and some pain medicine.

We stayed up until almost morning talking about how boys are stupid and he held me tight in his arms until I finally felt like me again. 

I began to doze off with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. I must have finally fallen asleep as the last whispered words I hear don't make any sense and are probably from my own dream world. 

"He's not you." They're followed by a kiss on the top of my head and everything inside of me relaxes.  I know i'm safe now.