I don't really know where to start, but let me just say, Delilah is one of the most bold, funny, kind-hearted, and beyond all, they are the most gorgeous person, hands down, I have ever met.

Delilah was new to our school, I recall seeing them and just, my jaw fell to the floor I suppose, the way their hair was black and silky, and the way their eyes sparkled in the light, whilst parading their' gorgeous dark brown look. - Their appearance was perfect, and still is, but I found it rather hard to say even a word to them, and I didn't ever start up a conversation, I'm really bad at things like that.

The first time we ever talked was strictly by accident. You see, first quarter we had U.S. History and science together, that day we were in 5B Science, with Mr. Paukner, the girls I was assigned to sit by were not very nice (I mean, they weren't necessarily bad, but they weren't being kind as they usually are lmao), and I dealt with mean things they had been saying on a constant basis, Delilah overheard something's they'd been saying an offered a way out, they gave me a smirk as they argued with the girls, assumably proud of making them agitated. - or so I assume, seeing that they are them, and completely like that.

We had only 'kinda' talked before that, probably two days before that instance she had made a comment about me, it made me feel inferior, I never cared what others thought, until they tried to make a joke. - I forgave them of course, I've always been overly sensitive, it really wasn't a big deal.

After that our "friendship" started to blossom, I began to trust them more and more, and I like to think they did the same.

I found myself putting myself out there more, doing stupid things, enjoying the stupidity, even when it made me want to drive myself of a cliff, it gave me a rush.

Delilah and I also had Family and Consumer Sciences together, first period, with Mrs. Struz. Every once in a while they would come by me, we'd talk for a few minutes, and they'd be gone, they usually consisted of "where the rainbow was" - extra points to whoever knows what I mean by that-

However, one specific morning, in the middle of October, we were in the 'Foods Room' making cookies, that is the day Delilah discovered the crush I had, the crush that was on them. - The one I didn't even realize I had.

We were sitting at the table with Samantha, Breanna, and Olga at the time, Delilah brought up crushes and gave this look at me, I found myself turning red as well as glancing away.

"So, Ariah, who's YOUR crush?" They inquired, as if they thought I would be able to answer.

I choked and watched as they glanced at Breanna and Olga.

"Are they in this room?" They were getting cocky, I knew they were, I could hear it in their tone, see it in their eyes. I stared at the floor as if it was interesting.

"Bre, write this down, they're in FACS with us." Delilah spoke.

"I didn't confirm that." I shot back.

"Didn't deny it either." They winked, my heart began to pound.

The bell rang and I rushed out of class, closely followed by Delilah.

We later arrived in second hour, choir, with Mrs. James. We were learning guitar and my partner was gone, so was Delilah's, we paired up, Delilah smiled at me each time I messed up on a chord and I became rather bashfull. I never like doing things wrong, it makes me feel anxious.

As I was practicing the A7 chord Delilah regained that glint in their eyes, I knew something was up.

"Sooo, your crush, is in FACS, would it be too far fetched to say they could be in this room too?" They knew, how they fuck did they find out? - the more I think about it, it was quite obvious.

I didn't answer.

"That's a yes then, let's see, you got Desirae, Elise, or-" they paused to smirk at me, causing me to feel uneased. "-me."

They gave me a look.

"I'm not confirming that it's any of those people."

"Alrighty then." They bit their lip, and I slipped into their gorgeous eyes once more, little did I know all that they would make me endure.

Less then a week later, on a Wednesday, we were in the Library for Academic Support Period (ASP/Study Hall) Delilah and I sat in the corner of the library, everyone else sat at another table, they asked if I wanted to sit by the others, but I declined. We began conversation, Harry Potter came up, after that they asked me to "marry them" to which we laughed, knowing it was just a joke.

We conversed on Science and fears, past relationships, suicide attempts, many things. I don't quite remember how it came up, but we came on to the topic of looks, as I already said, Delilah is the most beautiful, handsome, gorgeous, most appealing person to the eye, even the blind ones. They stated they were ugly, I found myself frowning and grabbing their hand, telling them they were wrong, I was serious, they said that I was pretty, I found myself repulsed, I am not one that is good in looks, I know I try to be good in heart, but in mind and matter, I am quite below average. They called upon Gabby to help aid the dumb argument.

"Tell her she's pretty." Delilah yelled. I shook my head.

"I'm not, so stop."

Gabby looked at us for a moment, then focused on me. "You're right you're not-"

"Thank you." I whispered.

"You're fucking gorgeous." Gabby finished.

"You're an asshole, I'm not, we both know I look like shit."

Gabby laughed, and continued to talk with Serenity and other girls away from us, Delilah seemed pleased with what had just happened, me, not as much.

We continued the conversation, I argued, they argued, to a point where Delilah was holding my hand and looking me in the eyes, I could feel my body shaking, I swallowed roughly.

"I'm shaking." I was turning red and I could feel my body hyperventilating.

"Are you okay?" Delilah seemed worried.

I was finding it hard to describe the words that I felt. Delilah suggested that we move over by Samantha and Gianna, I shook my head, but she made me go over by them anyways, she confided in Gianna with the situation. Gia gave me a look, I swallowed again, choking slightly. When the bell rang Gia and Delilah walked me out, Delilah asking Gianna politely to make sure I got to my locker safely. - That was the first time I was honest with myself and admitted that I liked Delilah, but only to myself.

The next week or so I was bombarded with Gianna seeing Delilah enter any part of the building while I was around and calling out "hey, look, it's your girlfriend." To which I'd weakly hit her, hoping she'd stop saying it, but she didn't, she took fun in calling out my feelings. I would laugh too.

That same week was Halloween, I went to school in an Eeyore onesie, Olivia came as Garfeild, Colleen as a sorceress, and Delilah as their self. That school day was WHACK. We watched the begging to a play, I threw M&M's at people (giving Delilah more than other kids of course.)

While we were watching the play, I sat beside Delilah and Colleen, in front of Olivia and behind Angie, Delilah and I laughed together, and at one point they had their hand on my thigh and I got the butterflies, but everywhere. - THAT IS HELLA GAY, DEAL WITH IT.

Um, I don't really remember much else from Halloween, accept they posted a picture of me from Facebook off my mum's account that was really ugly, put it on their snap story and captioned it "My Riah."

Since then, I have gotten rather jealous over certain things because she was involved.

You see, Delilah is a flirt of a person, it seems like they hit on (almost) everyone, which is why I originally thought that it couldn't possibly be me right? Wrong. Or apparently, so I was told anyways.

There is a girl, who is friends with my friend, Colleen, her name is Mai, we don't hang out with each other, no, not at all, but I feel as though we have some form of respect seeing that we have similar friends, Mai is as far as I'm concerned, straight. As. Fuck. Which is why it's so confusing to why I was jealous of her. One day Delilah was acting their part of the "flirt" and Mai asked Colleen if Delilah had been flirting with her, from there on out I guess I took to her as a threat. I guess I was always afraid of her really, when I moved away in seventh grade my friends informed me that Mai was added to the friend group, I was confused, I asked who she was on a group chat and got the response "your replacement." This made me upset and I avoided the group chat for hours following the message, I cried, I loved my friends, I felt replaced.
I guess you could say I felt the need to be better than Mai before I even knew her. Even after I already know her, I still feel the need to be pass her, to go beyond, and it sounds petty of me, but that's just how it is, if it's petty then I'm sorry, but that's how it be sometimes.

There was a period in time when Delilah began to hang around Mai more often, and I felt the need to distance myself, but I couldn't, I felt emotionally attached.

Slowly, I pushed myself to be more out going, more self-reliant if you will. I made more jokes took more chances, and I feel as though Delilah began to notice. She started to hang out with me more often. That made me very happy, probably one of the happiest dykes you've ever seen. <--- mood

In November I came home to find that my mum had found Delilah's Instagram, an Instagram full of LGBTQ+ content, my mother, a very religious, Christian, Women, was not pleased, I was forbade to ever talk to Delilah again, but I am a rebellious little ankle bitter, and I don't listen. I continued to talk, love, and support Delilah.

Days later Neejanna and I talked about Delilah, she said that her friends, Taylor, Desirae, and some third person I can't remember told her Delilah liked her, I acted appalled, as if Lilah having a thing for Neej was nearly impossible, Neej seemed to believe me, but I didn't believe myself, soon enough Neej asked Delilah, and Delilah said it was a minor crush, but even minor crushes are real, and that small, almost non-existent crush, crushed me.

I thought there was no chance.

The Monday after Veterans Day, the choir and band kids had a performance for veterans, Delilah and I are both in choir. We sat in the bleachers side by side, unafraid of what others may think of us. We sang together. Cried together. Even with my mum only being feet away, we held hands, almost the entire time, and I smoothed my thumb around their thigh. When the performance was done, we hugged and went on with our lives. My mum brought up the seating arrangement the moment I got home, and how sitting beside Delilah was a terrible mistake, she said it was an abomination.

Not long after we had another assembly, one with Hope House, and organization that is against toxic relationships and tries to help people in unsafe and abusive situations, I sat one seat under Delilah, allowing them to play with my hair- ("Galaxy bun"), Olivia's sister (Jade) was called up to the front and told to make "the face" you give someone when you're down for them, we all laughed. But soon, the laughs became dark, only lifting us from the underlying intensity of what we were hearing about, rape. I close my eyes and I soon felt tears streaming down my face I wiped them away quickly, Delilah looked at me, concerned.

"You okay?" They whispered softly. I only nodded.

After that we went to the band room and I didn't say a word.

The next assembly 'like' thing we did in school was a native celebratory Pow-Wow.

We learned the dances of the Ho-Chunk people, their traditional clothing, the importance of the drum, Hicakoro means friend, and friends are important, if someone is your hicakoro, you'd lay down your life for them. - Delilah and I danced together to the native drum, praying for people in a native way. That was a good day.

I'd say maybe a week or less after that happened Delilah told me that (they) - as an actual statement, had a crush on me, and has had a crush on me since they moved here, I had no words, I found myself shaking and I didn't say anything, Colleen also showed me a ratchet picture of myself on her phone, I took it, ran into the bathroom started deleting the pictures and was basically play fighting Colleen to the ground because how ugly the pictures were. - Delilah had grabbed my hands and forced me to look at their face when they told me. But when they did, I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

But of course, I wasn't finished yet, I knew I had to tell Delilah how I felt, this wasn't a one way street, I had to do my part, I wrote a letter, titled it 'Plan B' and gave it to Delilah, it explained my feelings. - that finished us off, but we're not dating, I'm too afraid to ask. - PLEASE KILL ME

Some recent things that have happened are as following.

* Gabby kicked Delilah in the ass Delilah replied "Ow, that was my bottom." Gabby then kicked my ass and Delilah laughed and said "Hey, that's also my bottom." I punched them and turned red, but that was about it.

* My shoes were untied and I was walking the halls with Lilah, they told me to tie them. I said I didn't want to. They said that if I didn't, they was going to, I quickly bent over and tied my laces, she played with my hair as I knotted them. (I forgot when this happened, but it did)

* I punch Delilah a lot, they called me abusive. I felt bad so I stopped hitting them.

* Now Delilah won't stop hitting me when I do things- LIKE BITCH, WHAT KINDA FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE...... I love that hoe.

* Delilah cut their bangs, it's hot as FUCK. - lmao 😂

* Delilah and I are partners for keyboard in choir because our prior partners either never show up or just don't do what they're supposed to do.

* As of Today (December 10, 2018) Garret, Desirae, Olivia, Taylor, Alec, Gabby, Gia, Delilah, Nick, Paige, Jasmine, Billy, Ashley, Samantha, Aidan, and some other people know I'm a flaming homosexual.

* (December 13) Ok, funny story, I went to school today, I planned to not talk at all, I posted this yesterday, I went to lunch, waited for Delilah and the others to show up, you wanna know who found my Wattpad, FRIGIN DELILAH. And when they told me I was all flipping out, I mean, all the things I said we're true, but them knowing makes me anxious. I walked away, they followed me, I went back, walked away again, same thing. When I walked away Olivia came over to me, I had my hand on my chest, I could feel my heart racing. Olivia and I sat on the floor, I couldn't stop shaking. She told me Delilah didn't hate me, but I felt like she did, Olivia said they were scared to lose me, Olivia is an honest person, but I don't believe her. Delilah is Delilah, I'm me. They are themselves, I'm weird and gross and awkward.
Olivia said I should go back to the table.
I shook, but I got off the floor, the entire time she walked me over there, I was mumbling.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

I was so sure I was going to be face to face with an angry Delilah. I didn't take into consideration that I was face to face with a person, a real, actual, living, breathing, thinking- person, and I regret that. I turned myself away so that I wasn't facing Delilah, they walked over to my side of the table, the Ba-boom in my chest began to speed up, I turned away, feeling my face turn red, yet again. They came over to me, put their hands on my shoulders and asked to talk. I felt like how I feel being confronted by my parents, small, afraid, shaken up. She asked to talk, more. When I don't know what to do I start spitting things out that I don't understand.

"I don't trust you." I grumbled.

I could hear the tone in their voice change, I'm not sure to what exactly, but it changed.

"What can I do to make you trust me?"

"I don't trust you." I repeated.

- I didn't mean it.

But I was so afraid, so scared how they thought of me, I blew my chance to talk, to tell, to explain myself.

I soon retreated back to my hiding spot, feeling sick..

Olivia returned. Asking me what was going on.

"Delilah was trying to calm you down." She said.

And it's not that I didn't know that.

I knew.

I- how do I explain my thought process? - it's like a tornado, a tsunami, an earthquake, a whirlpool, and a forest fire had a baby.

It's really confusing.

But I fucked things up.

I felt really bad after the fact, I couldn't stop looking for them, but while I did so, I felt like I should have been hiding.

I was running away from something I so desperately wanted to be near.

Not that it matters, I messed up really bad this time, I know I've gone to Olivia and Gianna with my messed up problems, but only Olivia has ever had to deal with how messed up I am at the scene. I'm a failure.

* (December 14, 2018) - Ok, I know SOMEONE -_- (you know who you are) is going to be reading this, but I don't really care so fuck it.

This morning I was trying to decide whether I was going to school or not, I was worried something bad was going to happen, per usual when I get myself into situations such as shown it the last thing I wrote (December 13, 2018) - and I ultimately decided that going was better than staying home. < ----- completely happy with a decision I made for once. )

I got to school, I felt sick, physically, but not because I'm physically sick, but because I was overwhelmed with thoughts, which in turn made me feel rather volatile. Soon people I knew were flooding in the doors, one of them being Delilah, I noticed them right away, but I tried to hide that I was worried about them being around.

The Bell Rang.

I went to my locker and stood there awkwardly, Delilah was standing with Gianna, talking, it felt rather natural, normal even, but I was afraid nonetheless.

- I'm not really sure what time today that this happened, but at some point of the day, I was at my locker doing something, and Delilah said something about me either hating or being mad at them, to which I replied ,"I don't hate you." - and that bugged me for a while, because I thought I did something to make them think that, but I don't hate them, not at all.

Today Delilah was basically just obsessed with cookies, which was pretty funny, but in my head I had to still act "non-annoying" because I felt like they were upset with me, which is completely out of character for me, because HELLLOOOO, IM THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE TO EVER FRIGIN EXIST.

After third hour, I went to my locker, I got my things, that's when Delilah appeared. I walked towards Olivia, Delilah looked at me, I could feel my heart pumping the way it does whenever they're around.

"I have to talk to you during lunch." They informed, but I felt afraid, I thought Delilah was either going to go off on me, or tell me that I was stupid to think any of the things I thought.

I groaned slightly.

"It's nothing bad." They assured, but I could feel it, I thought that I "knew" what was about to happen, BOI WAS I WRONG.

I grabbed Olivia's sleeve.

"Shoo, shoo." Called Delilah, though they were standing less than a foot away from me, I gripped tighter to Olivia's jumper.

During gym, Olivia and I were talking while we walked, that's when Olivia brought it up, Delilah being the subject.

"Did Delilah say what they wanted to talk about?" I shook my head feeling my heart hiccuping.

Gym went on, until Colleen had also mentioned it.

"So, Delilah-"

"Stahp." I cut in quickly, the anxiety already scraping at my throat.

After that we went to the table, I tried to sit far away from Delilah, but Colleen asked me to sit in my normal spot so that Zoe wouldn't sit beside her, I wasn't in the mood to be an asshole so I moved.

Delilah appeared at the table and I felt my heart plunging into cold water once again. A cold water called fear.

At first Delilah didn't say anything this made me worry, I'd worried that they'd given up on telling me, even though I thought Delilah hated me, but I wanted Delilah to tell me that, I wanted Delilah to confirm that, I wanted to know. I figured that I'd made them so upset that they weren't talking to me.

At one point Colleen was talking and I noticed my chapstick being picked up by the person sitting across from me, Delilah, they bursted out about how it smelled like mint ice cream, I smiled, but I thought that was just their way of saying "This isn't happening, I'm not going to talk to you." But another part of me said "hey, they're starting a conversation."

I looked away. Then I heard whispering, I'm not quite sure what about, but I heard whispering.

Then I heard my name. "Ariah." I bit my lip, and turned to face them, they had a look on their face, one that I couldn't quite make out.

Half of me want's to skip over what they said, but only because my awkward ass response.

"Will you be my Girlfriend?" I felt my face turning red and I shielded my expression with my arm, I was hiding both my smile and my fear.

"Are you being serious?" I choked.

Delilah said that they had been. I was shaking. I still didn't know how to explain, I knew I wanted to say 'yes', but I also knew I was afraid. I asked them once more, I was turning red, yet again, they looked at me, my heart melting inside my body, being asked but still fearing rejection.

"Okay," Delilah started. "I'm going to put my head phones in now." I wanted to say 'Um, no, I'm going to say yes and you're going to deal with me being your asshole girlfriend.' but I didn't. My way of doing what I wanted was walking over to their side of the table and sitting beside them.

"You know what I want to say." I grumbled.

"No, I can't assume, I'm thinking you're going to say 'no'." I shot them a look. Then punched them.

"Is that a no?" They questioned.

"No!" I mumbled.

"It's a yes." I whispered.

I felt my body shaking once more and that's the most of the day I remember.

Or up until I was putting away my Chromebook, I was smiling, like a complete nut-job, complete junkie.

Sam saw me doing this drunken-d smile, she shouted at me down the hall.

"Are you alright?!"

"What happened?"

I assured her I was perfectly fine, happy even.

"Did someone trip, you saw someone trip, right?"

"No?"

And that's where I leave off lmao. I'm dead.

* (December 16) - Okay, I went to the store last night, I went to buy tea and more loom bands to make bracelets. I walked around the store, practically trying to throw all my babysitting money away, after I put the tea and loom elastic bands in my cart, I went to the craft section, I got a bunch of random crafty stuff. <--I'm working on a new project

I got a person *cough* *cough* *cough* Delilah *cough* *cough* a present, but I'm not going to say what. < ---------- Because, they will read this and they aren't allowed to know until Monday (Tommorow)

But, anyways, I bought them that and then continued to walk around the store, I then ran into my parents, who were also at the store - (I can't drive myself, not legally anyways lmao) - and they were ultra confused on my cart full of stuff, but I told them to hush up, my babysitting money, my job to pick what I waste it on. < ---- not really though, because all the things I bought were worth it.

But yeah, I basically bought *cough* *cough* *cough* Delilah *cough* *cough* A present *cough* *cough* shhhhhh *cough*

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It was sea salt truffles and a loom bracelet. (December 17)

* ( December 17 ) - I got to school this morning and sat on the floor waiting for Audrey, she arrived and we continued to wait together for the rest of the group. Slowly the people came to flood into the front waiting area. Delilah didn't show up, I felt my heart pumping in my chest, waiting for them, while waiting I told people about the gifts I'd bought, not specifying who they were intended for.

The Bell Rang.

I felt the anxiety flooding back into my lungs, I never know why I have those minor types of panic orientated episodes, they just kind of happen, but I could feel the unstable-ness taking over my body.

Gianna may have noticed, I'm not quite sure, but she gave me a look that kinda seemed as if she did.

I got to my locker, setting my head on it slightly, I took a breath, I felt unusual, it wasn't just a normal attack.

I walked the halls with Gianna, Olivia, and Colleen. Still, no Delilah. We went to the art room, the Spanish room, even the Agriculture room, Mr. Nolden was writing on the board. But still, Delilah was no where to be seen.

I checked my phone, to see if perhaps they'd sent me something about them not coming to school, but no, all that appeared was that they'd opened my last message. I felt a pang overcome me. Not of worry, that had already hit me, no, at that time it was realisation, a realisation of 'why?' Why had I felt so worried? Olivia or Gianna, or anyone else in the entire world could be late or even miss a day of school, and I wouldn't give it a second thought. But no. This was Delilah, and they're different from anyone else, which I guess is why my heart did the flutter-thing.

I went to Spanish, that's when I first heard it. Alec was talking, but not just about anything, about me, y'know, gayyyyy. I swiveled around in my seat.

"Do you have a problem?"

He seemed rather shocked that I said anything, but he gave me a glare if sorts.

"You're a lesbian."

"No, I'm gay, don't be a pussy about it, say it how it is."

He paused looking stupid.

"You-"

"No, you don't get the right, acting as if me being who I am is effecting you is complete bullshit, so shut up."

Just then I turned in my seat to face the front, the right way, but still awkwardly, because I can not, for the life of me, sit in chairs correctly.

I half sprinted to choir, trying to save myself from getting more vexed with the situation at hand, the situation being that people were starting to figure things out, people began to find who I really am. It's not that I don't want them to know, it's just that the human race looks at you differently when you step out of line.

When I arrived in choir I was greeted by Gia, who smiled at me. We walked into the choir room, the only other person there was Mayra. I went to the risers Gianna followed me, not so quick, because I have short legs, and if she matched my pace she'd be way ahead of me.

I sat down, somewhat disappointed that Delilah wasn't there, but just then as if my thoughts were going against reality, they walked through the choir door. My chest began to pound once more. Delilah walked over to Gianna and I, they wrapped their arms around us both. Only Gia hugged her back, I felt rather uneasy.

"My hoes." Delilah laughed.

"That's me." I whispered smiling a bit.

Delilah took into mind that only Gianna was hugging them back.

They said something along the lines of
"At least one of you is hugging me back." I felt my face become hot with a nervous feeling. It wasn't that I didn't want to hug Delilah back, I was just unsure of embracing them the way they had just done me.

Delilah went to their seat but returned quickly to complain about seating arrangements, to which I smiled, but only to myself. Delilah called to Mrs. James and had a conversation with her, I didn't hear anything accept Mrs. James saying something along the lines "That would be fine but-"

When we were doing warmups, I could feel eyes on me, at first I turned to Gia, but it wasn't her, then I looked over her shoulder and saw Delilah, smirking at me, I stopped singing, feeling embarrassed. Delilah gave me a look, to which I quickly looked away, my cheeks becoming more red by the second. That happened a few more times, but some of it was me smirking at Delilah, mainly because one of our songs is really stupid and they hate it, but still.

Once I put my folder away Delilah started playing with my hair as we walked out of the class room, I pulled Delilah's hand from my head to around my shoulder, my heart quivered in a way I couldn't understand or even describe with any word of any sort. We walked to my locker, more me pulling her there telling her that I had something for her.

I pulled the first thing from my bag, a large piece of cardstock, which they are familiar with due to me giving similar things before. But that one was different. On the front it said 'Annoying you is fun - so here' On the inside was coloured pencil scribbles and a Lenny face by an assortment of letters that spelt out 'Guess what's then when you opened the flap it would I reveal 'I love you'

"Another one?" I heard Delilah's voice fall in a way.

They read it and I pulled the sea salt truffles from the bag and handing the blue and white container to Delilah.

"You need to stop buying me things."

I wanted to say 'Cant make me.' But I was too, well, me, to say that.

Instead I said something around the form of "Nope."

Delilah told me to get to class and bumped into me a bit in an act of joking intimidation, but I wasn't scared. I smiled, shoved them a bit, and went to class.

After I finished third hour I went into the hallway, I didn't even need anything, I just wanted to get out if Mrs. Fults' room. Mrs. Ziehmke still hadn't let her class out, I walked to my locker turtle paced. When I was closing my locker Ziehmke's class was let out, my heart began to tremour yet again. Olivia, Gianna, And Delilah all kinds buzzed about the two lockers (Gianna's and my own) - Delilah walked over to me, threw, well,ziehmke more so dropped, what I'd originally thought to just be a piece of paper in my locker, it turned out to be a note, it was really sweet, and I loved it. I don't really remember much happening at that time, besides seeing Delilah and her tossing the paper note in my locker. I went to health with Mr. Tofson.

While I was in health Emilee Thompson came up to me. She had a look on her face that I could tell was rather unsure.

"I want to ask you something, but you're going to punch me." I shrugged my shoulders, she was probably right. - You see, when I'd had that panic attack after Delilah had found my Wattpad, Emilee had come up to me and asked if Delilah and I were dating, I punched her, harder than I normally would have.

After health, I went to lunch, I sat beside Delilah that time, and it felt right, even though my anxious thoughts were saying otherwise, I know where my heart lies. - Even when it's pounding like elephant foot steps.

Delilah appeared at the table and my heart jumped a bit. I do this thing, my head says not to do something, and my body does it without thinking. - This happens a lot when Delilah is around. I've kinda made a "game" out of it now. - 'Don't look at Delilah' - I always lose playing that game. My eyes just wander to wherever Delilah is.

Today it was mainly my arm, moving closer to Delilah's, I was confused by my own actions even. Or my legs, drifting closer to theirs.

At one point Delilah was looking at the writing and doodles I had all over my hand, one was in bright blue ink, Delilah smirked at me, whenever they do that, I know something's about to happen, so I immediately become jumpy. Delilah licked the ink, I called them gross, and wiped it on their hoodie, but I didn't jump, and that surprises me. I laughed at it even. Then they made a comment.

"Don't worry, my tonge will be down your throat in no time." Delilah smiled.

I felt my face becoming hot, suggesting that I was blushing in unease, but I tried to hide it.

I don't know if Delilah noticed, but I like to think they didn't, just for my own sanity.

After that Delilah told me about her Father, said how he wanted to talk to my parents about their homophobic ideals, and it sounds great, but my parents are themselves. Trying to say anything to them is as if speaking with a brick wall. Plus, the last time anyone ever tried to talk to my father, specifically, about how he acted towards LGBTQA+ patrons, things didn't end well.

My Mother is different, she doesn't support it either, she says it's against the Bible and that means it's wrong. She believes love is a "choice" and people who are gay are faking it, liars, she calls them. But my Mother is kinder than my Father is, for she has said

"If you say you're gay, I'm not going to disown you, but I'm going to remind you every single day that Jesus is upset with you until you realise you are being sinful."

That used to really hurt me when I was younger, but at this point, I know what I like, and not only what I like, but what I love, and if God or whatever doesn't accept me this way, than it's the creators fault, I didn't ask to be born like this, it's just how I am.

My Father, however, has always told me.

"If you ever even think for a second that you're gay, I will disown you, you aren't my daughter anymore, you'll be kicked out and the family will be ashamed of you."

As a kid, that also used to eat me up inside, like hydrochloric acid to zinc, just waiting for the flame to make me erupt. Now I just pray that he didn't actually mean what he said, but I know that he does.

Delilah then told me about how their father is a Bears fan, they asked me about my parents, questioning whether they were Bears or Packers fans, this is a confusing question, because my mother is a Bears fan, while my father is a die-hard Packers fanatic, I've always thought that's why he's so cocky.

Delilah said their Father would probably get along better with my Mother then, but deep down, I knew that my Mother would never get along with their Father, not unless some sort of miracle took place.

After that Delilah turned in their seat to somewhat face me, that's when I slipped the pink, blue, and black loom bracelet on to their wrist and smiled a bit, Delilah once again said how I needed to stop getting them things, I simply shook my head.

A couple of times, we had laughed so hard that it heads kinda just sat by one another, not bumping, but if we got a little bit closer, they would have.

Delilah made a joke about how "I'm dating the biggest fuck boi in the school." I shook my head lightly.

Later on, Delilah had their hand on my thigh once again, and as I've said before, almost anyone else could have done that, and I would have jumped or screamed, but no, it's not like that, not with them. Instead, I feel like I got hit by a truck and don't know how to move, it's not a bad feeling, Actually, an amazingly anxious feeling, but not scary.

Or all the times Delilah would get really close to a point where if I even glanced up, we'd be touching, they glint inside their eyes, that's exciting, but also dangerous in a way, as if to test me. Sometimes, when that look is present, I try to stare as long as possible without looking away, but I lose that game rather quick, just like 'Dont Look At Delilah' - because after just seconds I can feel the heat radiating from my face, and I look down shyly, with a sheepish grin.

Soon after that I gave Delilah a glittery, see-through, pink, lop-sided, heart shaped rock that I'd gotten while doing a rock exhibit/rotation with my sisters.

Delilah smiled at me a little, but once again, complained about me getting things for them. - but they can't make me stop, so, uh, FIGHT ME KARREN.

Then I went to ASP, I had Mrs. Fults, I stayed in my seat for the ENTIRE thirty minutes staring at a diagram for the human skeletal system.

I went to my locker, got my math book, gave Delilah, Olivia, and Gianna all hugs, and then went to math.

I then saw Delilah in the hallway on my way to science, I was going to smack their head, but it seemed mean, so I just ducked into a different hallway.

At the end of the day I got to my locker to find Delilah plugging their Chromebook in inside Mrs. Ziehmke's room, which was weird to me, because they was always out of school way before I'd even gotten to my home room to plug in my chrome. I grabbed my things, shoved them in my bag (With the help of Delilah, because I'm a weak nugget that can't function) -

I found my way outside toe-and-toe with Gianna and Delilah, I walked somewhat near Delilah's bus stop, gave them a hug, and began to walk away. I quickly gave Olivia a hug, then walked to the library - (after briefly stopping at my aunt's so that I wouldn't have to carry my bag.) I returned my books and began to walk back to my aunt's when my phone buzzed, it was Delilah, asking me if I was alone. I was. I was also very confused, but nonetheless, I eventually found out that Delilah was at Kilbourne after I'd already left. Their Father had wanted to meet me, I kinda wish I would have stayed just a bit longer, but still, that's just how things played out, I guess. - that's about it.

(December 19) - I was too emotional/emotionless to write yesterday, and there's a gun threat at school today I also have a conciling appointment, so I'm not in school.

So perfect time to write out feelings.

Yesterday Delilah was acting strange, I knew what was going to happen, I'm not nearly as stupid as I make myself out to be, yet terribly stupid in my own right.

Delilah constantly kept pulling Gianna aside and talking to her, my heart did somersaults.

I don't remember when exactly I heard this, but I remember exactly where it happened, I'd been having doubts about Delilah and I since the day I'd first met her, something I always knew, deep down, could never happen, wouldn't ever happen, Delilah whispered to Gianna something along the lines of "I don't know how to do this." Or "How do I tell her?" - and Gianna responded with something like "Just do it."

That's when my heart kinda beat itself into shards, I was sure in that moment what would happen eventually.

At the end of the day, I was preparing myself, though Delilah and I hadn't been dating for more than four days, I knew my heart wouldn't take it well, not at all.

I went to hug all my friends, Delilah being one of which, I walked to the side doors with Delilah, Gianna, and Olivia, I tried to make it seem as if I didn't know, I felt my chest rising and falling quicker by the second, I hugged Delilah once more, and told them I loved them, I wasn't trying to make it seem in a gush-y kind of way, but a way to let them be aware of how I felt, that I cared about them. I was about to walk away when Delilah handed the note to me, I looked at them, then at the note, I sort of started to fidget with it, afraid to open it, Delilah asked me to turn and start walking, I did, but my heart had dropped and I could feel my finger tips becoming cold.

I opened it, and I felt the tears rushing down my cheeks before I'd even finished the first sentence, because that's how much of a sensitive little bitch I am. Though I'd been planning on walking to the library, I couldn't bring myself to go, not after what I'd just read, I walked to my aunt's, it was the closest.

When I walked inside there was only one person home, my cousin, Christopher, I could tell he noticed the dried tears on my face, but he was acting as if he didn't notice, he went on a rant about how Jake Cole had said something about me having a boyfriend I'm science and how that kinda bullshi made him want to kill a bitch, I stayed quiet.

"You good, fam?"

"Yea..."

"Did you have a boyfriend? Is that why you're crying?"

"I'm not crying. I don't have a boyfriend!"

He was drawing up blanks, confused at my sudden irritability. I pulled the note out of the front of my bag, begging it for answers like some kind of Bible that would save me from my drowning thoughts, but it gave me no security.

"What's that?"

"What does it look like, dip shit."

"A note, who from?"

"None of your business, Karen."

"It is my business, whoever this guy is, he's about to get fucked up, what does his name starts with?"

I didn't feel like stopping him, but I knew that any pronoun for this person would have been wrong, especially the way Chris had thought.

"D." I choked, whilst holding back more tears.

"Dillon? Damien? Dene?"

"No."

"Damn Woman, just tell me who!"

I didn't want to tell Chris, by tell him, I didn't mean that I didn't want him to know about me and Delilah dating, but him knowing that I was gay in general was a risk, I didn't want him to go after Delilah, he's done it to guys, why wouldn't he do it to anyone else?

"It's from Delilah, but it's not that kind of letter."

"What do you mean? That kind of letter?"

"It's not lovey dovey, it just makes me upset."

"How so?"
I started to panic, I wasn't going to out myself, right then, in that moment, in that room, No Way! I told a lie.

"Um, well, they don't want to be good friends with me anymore, more like acquantances, they don't like me the way they thought, I'm not the kind of person they wanted to be that close with. It's not their fault, I don't blame them, I just-"

Even with my defenses Chris was turning red.

"This is bullshit!"

"Chris-"

"Delilah can't just-"

"Christopher Alden Campbell!" I screamed tears once again falling from my eyes and down my face, and for a moment it was silent.

"Riah-"

"I said it was okay, we'll be fine."

Soon enough I called my Father to pick me up from my Aunt's house, we got home and things were quiet, it's like the house had silence for it had known I'd done something the family wouldn't have liked.

I went to my sister first, everything I ever told her about Delilah (Imaginary Flower) made her happy, she always told me it was because I seemed so happy, but she said I'm always happy, just not the way I talked about Delilah happy. Braylie watched me tear up that night, eventually getting upset with me for saying "But it's fine, I still want to be friends with them, I care about them like that."

Braylie turned angry and irritated.

"Why are you so stupid?"

"I don't quite understand what you mean?"

"You get your heart all fucked up and then you say it's fine?"

"Bray, my heart isn't fucked up, it's still in the same order, just because I dated someone and they broke up with me doesn't change a single thing, all the love I had for Delilah is still there, my love for Elisa, still there, same thing for Cracker (Sidney), Josi, Allysa, Maddy, and Caitlyn. Just because we broke up doesn't mean my heart cares any less, nothing grows or lessens, as long as I cared for you once, I will always care for you, that's how I am."

"You need to stop being so immature, life isn't all Sunshine's and rainbows."

"Perhaps not to you, bit this isn't a failure to me, this is something I wasn't confident in, so I failed, all it takes is belief and I can't fail."

"Yes, you can."

"Not if you believe in yourself."

"Yeah? Well that's not you, you're afraid and timid."

"Only when I want to be, I break you down acting so fearful, and when I need it most u burst out in self worth. I think of myself in more ways than doubt, y'know."

"Liar."

"No, not 'liar' - I believe everything hangs off of your feelings, you want something, you go after it, you get it, you don't get what you don't work for."

"Life isn't fair."

"If life isn't fair for anyone, then life is fair, for everyone, simple science."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Do it, you won't."

Braylie smacked me first, then wrapped her hands around the sides of my neck and began to squeeze tight, long enough for me to turn red, before stopping herself. She hit me, harder this time.

"Stupid girl."

We fought for most of the night, until she stabbed me with a sharpie marker/pen thing and I bled, that's when I left.

- ALL BECAUSE IM A STUPID, JEALOUS, CONFUSING, AWKWARD, SHY, SELF CONSCIOUS ASS.

* -Ill add more when more stuff happens- TBC *