(January 20, 2019) - Okay, so, this bitchass pot-head complained about the fact that I hadn't written about them in a while, and at this point I have a lot to write about, but I was too scared to write it on the first one, I know that they'll read that one, now I'm just making it a tad bit harder for them to hear what I have to say ("say" as in completely call them out.)
alongside myself.)

Okay, so first, if you didn't read the last chapter about Delilah, they're my ex human, I say that because I'mma bitch, and we used to date (it lasted three days, get off my dick Karen.) Ummm, but, a lot of things have gone down since the last thing I wrote about them. And here are a few of them. (If they're reading this - HI DELILAH, YOU'RE A REALLY BIG HOE, BUT I LOVVVE YOUUU)

#1 - ummm, one time, during chorus, I was joking around with Delilah, being myself, because I do that sometimes. I laughed, and said in what I thought to be an obvious joking voice - "Owh, I'm not gAy." (Which is incorrect, because I'm hella gay, but still) Delilah looked at me and deadass said "Yeah, sure, but if I pushed you up against the wall right now and kissed you, you wouldn't give a fuck." During that entire speech, my heart was pounding - Delilah is confusing as heck. Once I walked out of the other room back into the main one, Delilah looked at me for a second, I looked back at them, still in awe from the conversation that happened just minutes before, Delilah laughed a bit and looked at me once again. "I'm sorry." Delilah giggled. Since then, I've gotten more and more confused with Delilah's behaviour.

#2 (January 21) - Okay, well, fuck. So um, I have a lot to say, but I don't quite know how I'm supposed to say it. - Everyday that I go to school, I feel different, but lately, I've really only felt two main emotions, happiness alongside anxiety. There's something causing this, and I feel like Delilah is what I'm searching for to explain those feelings. They make me feel confused and anxious, but in the same I feel excited, but what for? My head does this thing where it feels like it's spinning, but only when Delilah is around, only when THEY are present. Today we saw one another in the hall and we sorta walked around for a bit, we have new encore classes, we were conversing on that topic, they have computer sciences while I have art. Whilst we were strolling the Halls of the school, I reached into my pocket to grab my pencil, but my thumb hit the side of the cardboard (of a bubblegum package) and I felt it slide on to my flesh and slowly cut through it like a sword. I yelled in sudden confusion and pain, yanking my hand from my pocket. Delilah seemed concerned and looked at me in confusion. I explained that I pricked my thumb on the cardboard, resulting in a paper cut. Them, being themself, grabbed my hand. I didn't expect Delilah to put their mouth to the wound, I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I squirmed awkwardly unsure of what was going on. After that, they held my hand by the thumb assuring that would stop the bleeding, I felt odd, not bad odd, just strange. After that I left them so I could go to class, my mind had turned to mush, the only thing on my mind, what had just gone down. In art, Mr. Rosholt asked us to draw one of three things, something man made, something from nature, or something from your imagination. I struggled with my thoughts for the first five minutes, but eventually - I thought of something, a dream I had, one with Delilah in it, one that I had months ago. I thought of the perfect scene out of the dream, Delilah and I were walking out of a wardrobe, everything looked crazy, something straight out of a fairy tale, but I started and got upset, so I stopped drawing it, turned to a new page, and started to draw once more, this time my drawing turned more into a vent. I crossed out the girls' eyes and the wardrobe was dark and shadows were everywhere, I have no idea why that's what I turned it into, but it's what I did.
After that I found my way back into the hall and began walking to chorus. During chorus we did ice breakers, I somehow managed to go by Delilah like a bigilion times (that's not a number) and messed with their hair and put my hands around their neck because I'm too awkward to do anything else. It was two Truths and a lie, mine being my favourite planet's Jupiter, I'm 13, and I have eight siblings, the eight siblings being the lie (I have seven). Delilah's were "I am COMPLETELY straight, I'm fourteen, and I'm from Chicago" - I'm quite sure you could guess the lie. After those were read I went back by their side, well, kind of, I went behind them and put my hands against their neck, mainly because my hands were freezing, but nonetheless. Besides all of that, there's not much else that happened during choir.
Once 3rd/4th hour(s) were finished I walked out of the locker room and into the cafeteria area, I can't explain why, but a wave of anxiety came over me just then, and due to it, I felt unsure of my surroundings, which, if you've known me long enough, you'd be used to it. I stood at the edge of Olivia's table, not feeling comfortable beside her, not feeling safe around the people that sat in front of me, I anxiously glanced around for something to save me. Help didn't come, I stood there aimlessly, Olivia seemed rather upset with me not sitting with her, but I couldn't help the fact that I wanted to escape something that I was unaware even existed.
I saw a way out.
For some reason, whenever I want to talk to Delilah, I feel the need to make up some sort if excuse to justify why, some "ok me" reason to be near them, sometimes it's Kain, other times it's me asking a question, or pestering Leah. I didn't have an excuse this time, I walked over to Delilah, my mind was shifting and I was afraid, but I came to stand behind Delilah, and eventually my mind no longer thought, merely acted. At some point my hands were on Delilah's neck and I have no clue what I was doing, I just, sorta, kinda just had my hands there, or at first. I smoothed my fingers over her throat, sometimes I added pressure, I guess I wanted to see if they'd react. Or I lightly hit the sides of their neck and set my arms atop of their head, my brain wanting to hide Everytime they looked up at me. Some point later, I was still messing with their neck/face and they puckered their lips at me, I smacked their neck and they asked "Why can't you choke people like a normal person?" I shrugged a bit and began rolling my thumbs near the middle of their neck. I played with their hair and did stupid shit like that - because I'm me, I do those kinds if things.

Not much happened after that, so I guess I'll end this one here.

• April 30, 2019

Things have gotten a little out of hand lately, not necessarily bad, but I can feel where it's headed.

I wish I could say I'm writing this chapter out of the author in me that wants my few readers to know how my life has been - but I can't say that, because it's not for any of you, the only person this is for is Delilah.

Not long ago, Delilah and I, along with some other dorks went to a softball game together, the game hadn't started yet, so we hung out on the cliff, nothing really happened there, or at least nothing I can say that won't expose me at this exact moment. I felt really connected to my surroundings out there.

The day after they had practice, Delilah decided not to go, but just to hang on the cliff, I disobeyed my parents orders just to go with them to the cliff, not that my parents cared too much. We stayed on the cliff for a long while, we talked, and they lay their head down to rest, though it was on sandstone, the world around seemed to be at ease, though I was sure I was spinning in circles, out of control.

We went to the park later that day, but nothing really came of any of the things that took place.

Recently, I've been tense, which many would say is normal, for me at least, but it's more tense than average. My heart races when they're near me and I don't know if it's their presence alone, or the anxiety of what is yet to become of us. Though my heart harpoons out of my chest, I can't help but feel sullen when they're near me, I can't help but feel cured of anything wrong when they're beside me - and maybe it's wrong, but I can't help but feel there is something about them I should know, something deeper.

Delilah has cuts, I'm aware of how they got there and the specifics, I know how their girlfriend reacted, and how heart wrenching her response was. I talked to them the other day about it, and I'd already had scars, none recent enough to really worry, but I still understood the feeling- I cried. Not because the cuts, or their girlfriend, or any of my feelings, I cried because Delilah told me their girlfriend said it was no big deal, that crushed me, because I know Delilah enough to know that they believe that. I buried my head in their chest, I was really upset.

In math that day, I had a breakdown, I began to disassociate from my body and my surroundings. - but disassociating only got me so far, I clicked back to my normal state pretty fast, and that's when I began to stab at my hands with the pencil, I drew a small amount of blood in some areas, but not enough to where it would be a concern. Later on in class, I was rubbing my wrist, I was feeling the raised skin from my previous scars and thinking. That's when the idea truly set sail.

I went into the Hall after an entire class period of not focusing and disassociating and bumped into Delilah. They looked at me concerned, I could see it in their eyes, I tried not to look away, I tried to prove I was okay, I tried to prove nothing happened. But when the guilt burns on your pupils you have no choice but to look away from the knowledge of the truth. Delilah got closer, slowly getting me somewhat pinned near a locker.

"How was math?" She said.

Right then I knew Gabby had forwarded her about my incident in math.

"It was fine." I shot back, keeping my eyes locked on the ground.

"What'd you do?"

"Nothing." I retorted.

"Show me your arm."

"No."

"Yes."

"I'm going to be late for class."

"I'll make you late for class."

"Nothing happened, I'm fine."

Delilah gave me a glare and right then and there I knew I'd messed up badly.

I tried to run, but got trapped between their body and the lockers, I held my arm behind my back.

That night, I returned home, I was shaking a bit by the time I'd crawled into my room and that's when I realized I was unable to breathe. I ended up on the floor and I didn't know what was going on, images flashed in my head and tears shed from my eyes. The next thing I knew was a needle in my hand and silver red staining my thighs and underarms . I did it because I was upset, I did it because it felt right - I did it because feeling metal scrape across your skin making it bleed is soothing, I did it because I was panicked. I did it because I wasn't okay.

I got to school, the day went on as usual, a snarky comment from Kristianna, or two, and dealing with existing. I went to choir, got screamed at by Mrs. James - and made a fool of myself. Later I went to English and gym, gym is where I ran across my first problem. My shorts covered up my thighs and the high part of the leg on the back of my body near my ass, but there really wasn't anything to hide the ones on my arm. Emilee yelled at me for it, and Angie, and Olivia, and even Chris. - but I didn't pay much attention. In gym I had to bench, I'm pretty strong, so I usually have the heavy bar with weights, but the minute I began to bench I could feel some of the cuts on my wrists snapping open, I winced, Angie hollered in anger, because I continued to bench. When I was done I ran to the washroom, nothing was going to fix it, so I left, I benched again, I planked, I did all I was supposed to do.

Then lunch came around, that's when Delilah saw them, I knew they'd see them eventually, but it still panicked me.

I couldn't hear everything that Delilah said, but they were upset, and I know it's because they care, but I just don't get it. I buried my head in their chest again and they stroked my head, once again I felt at ease.

"Why?"

I shook my head.

"Please, tell me why."

"No."

I wanted to explain to Delilah why I did it, but I couldn't, not in the middle of the cafeteria, not with everyone around.

I began to cry and I started for the washroom, I got there and realized it was locked, that's when I hurried to the window, I could hear my breathing.

Out-in-out-out-in-in-out-in-out-out

My breathing began to settle and that's when I returned to the table, Delilah grabbed my hand, I bit my lip expectantly, Delilah turned to face me, I became afraid and stared at the table.

"Don't ever do that again."

I couldn't look up.

"Don't scare her!" Piped in Gianna.

Gianna moved to my side of the table and Delilah looked at her in glaring all the while. Delilah got closer.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you."

I could feel the tears building up in my eyes and I faced them, trying to seem strong. I stared for a long moment, but my eyes began to sting with tears and I looked away.

"Promise me you won't ever do this Ever again."

I could only shake my head.

I wanted to tell them that they would have to promise me the same, but I was so scared of what they might say, I sealed my lips as if you needed a key to open them. They got upset and left to be by Olivia.

In that same time frame, id decided I wasn't going to ASP, I stood at my locker staring at the picture spread out on it. Delilah stood behind me.

"You okay?"

I didn't respond.

"Come here."

Delilah wrapped their arm around my waist and I felt my face turning red, but I tried to stop it.

"Where are you going?"

"No where."

"Who do you have for ASP?"

"I'm not going."

"The Hell you are!- "

"I'm not going."

"I will drag you there."

I began to walk away, and they latched on to my hand and began to pull me.

"You have Fults, yeah?"

"No."

"Who do you have?"

"Odea, but I'm not going."

"Mhm, sure, I'll drag you all the way to Odea."

Delilah yanked me down the hallway and forced me into the class, they watched me walk in, and the entire time in ASP I refused to do anything.

I feel like if Delilah had not stopped me, I probably would have gotten into trouble, but I also wouldn't have skipped later on in the day.

Next, I had math, I thought about skipping that, but once again, Fink stopped me from doing so. While in math I realized what I was going to do, Gabby asked me who I had next and I told her I was skipping, that's when she told me she'd come with - I asked her why-

She said "Delilah would kill me if I allowed you to go by yourself."

And thus our plan was born, we dropped off our Chrome's in our home classes and ran to the washroom by the Spanish room, we figured if anybody questioned it we could put on a scene and get out of it. At 2:25 we left that washroom and went to the one in the science hallway , we hung out there until the high schoolers second to last bell rang, which I'm assuming is around 3:00 - We then went to the washroom near the cafeteria and the gymnasium, and we stayed there the last thirty minutes, messing around and talking.

Then we left and Gabby told Delilah what we'd done, and they're mad at me.

I realise now that what I did was really stupid, and Delilah was only trying to protect me from getting into a bad situation, and I feel sorry for causing so much trouble for them.

•May 2, 2019

Okay, this book has literally just become me explaining my feelings to Fink without saying it to them directly, and I don't hate that, but like, I hate that I can't explain most of this in person. Oh well.

On with me being unable to exist

Today was a not so good day, or, not the last of it. This morning was good though.

I went to choir as it was blocked for today, and they were sitting in the chair behind me, I guess I'm blind because I didn't notice them there and they startled me. They usually do, but not in a bad way. I sat next to them and grabbed their hand brushing my thumb around it in circles. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I know I felt at ease, I always do when I'm around them.

Choir started and we got on to the risers, it was drumming first, I stayed by them, because that's where I want to be. Delilah and Mai got into a bit of a squabble, and I don't blame them, Mai can be annoying. We eventually did what we were supposed to. Mrs. James instructed that I move to a different drum, I was appalled by the idea, Delilah made those eyes and I had to look away, but I always look back, just to test it. It didn't work, soon enough I went to the high drum, but I refused to sing and I refused to play, the whole time.

When the full choir joined us, conversation seemed to become more prominent between Delilah, Desirae, and I. It was nice. At one point Desirae asked me to tell Fink something and I refused, when they heard of this they're eyes stared into my soul almost beckoning me to say something, but I couldn't, my face turned red and I could no longer tell what was really happening. I got closer to them once more, I sat behind them and they began to lean on me, and I tickled them, though they claim they are not ticklish- they most definitely are. We danced in the choir room and laughed and everything was great, I'm really happy about the beginning of today.

As the day played through, I only saw Fink three times over the rest of today, I saw them for a quick moment after the FFA meeting, and I didn't really hear most if what they had said accept for asking me how it went.

The next time was after ASP in Mr. Jisa's room, I'm not going to say anything that happened in there, but it wasn't good, it killed me. Before I knew it, I was crying. When the bell rang I ran into the Hall, that was the second time I'd bumped into them after choir.

"Hi Lovey." I heard their calm voice chime, and though it was like a blanket that I wished to wrap myself in and hide from the word, the soothing tone of her voice couldn't fix the tears already in my eyes.

"What's wrong?" I heard the concern ripple in their voice and it made me tremble.

"N-othing."

And just like that I walked away, knowing I walked away from them killed me, but allowing them to see me cry would have killed me all the more. I threw my chrome and pen at Gabby and asked her to take it to Ziehmke's room, she seemed confused.

"Are we skipping?"

I ran too quick for me to process and answer and respond. I got to the washroom and fell to my knees sobbing, I splashed water on my face, but you could still tell I'd been crying. I dried my face and continued to cry, and that's when Gabby walked in.

"I cant-"

I shook my head, repeating the words.

"Are we skipping?" Gabby inquired once more.

"N-no."

I could feel my voice breaking and Gabby was watching me as if I might go insane at any moment, I could barely tell she was there. Then the worst thing happened, Mrs. Hoch walked in, that's when I ran out, Gabby trailed behind me.

I looked inside the math room and my breathing began to pickup, seeing all my peers made me feel sick to my stomach and I felt like I would faint. I went to my locker and just stared, I prayed the tears would stop rolling down my cheeks, but they didn't, Gabby stood behind me, quiet as ever, with no words to say.

Ziehmke came, striding down the hallway towards us, she stood at her door.

"Come on girls, it's time to go to class."

I couldn't just walk away, so I turned to face her, and the minute our eyes met I turned around and the tears began to drip ever faster down my cheeks and my breathing became stifled, I was about to scream over how panicked I was, but I covered my lips to stop it from making a bigger fool of myself. Ziehmke pushed Gabby into the class and walked over towards me. She stood before me, wrapping her arms around me and telling me to slow my breathing, I felt panicked still, but less, she calmed me for a moment.

"Did something happen in school?"

I violently shook my head. "Nothing happened, I'm fine."

"You're obviously not, you're crying."

I began rocking, my breathing becoming fast again.

"Is there anything I can do to help you right now?"

I bobbled my head making it well aware I didn't want her help. "I'm fine."

"Do you think you can come into class, it do you want to do your packet in the Hall?"

"I'm fine."

I walked into the class, tears still streaming down my cheeks, they looked at me strangely, and I don't blame them, I looked like a freak-show. Math went on with me still crying every few minutes, the panic never really stopped.

After that I had social studies and school ended. I grabbed my things from my locker and went to the bus stop, I didn't say a word to anyone. Delilah brushed past me.

"hey baby." Their tone was soft and I once again felt ease, even as I watched them walk away.

AND THAT'S THE TEA. - I cannot function.

• May 6, 2019

This chapter is being written simply because Fink brought it up, so thank them.

Today was a good day, no joke.

Like most days with Fink are good just because they're there, but today was better than those normal days.

I got to school today and I felt anxious, which I tend to do, but it wasn't bad. I saw Delilah, we didn't say much in the morning. I went to agriculture and dealt with all that drama. I was eventually set free of the room, I wobbled into the hallway, I saw them at the very end of the hall, I couldn't approach them, so I just walked average paced.

I got to the choir room soon after that, it was pretty normal. I played with Fink's hair and being dumb. We practiced our concert and things like that. It was boring.

We left class.

I went to Fult's and did all that, I wrote my sonnet based on feelings.

I went to gym and ran, everything was normal.

It was SO unbearably bland, I almost couldn't function anymore.

I went to the lunch room, I sat with Gianna and Leah, Fink sat with Natchurel, Skylar, Miranda, Addison, Liberty, and Taya. I didn't go by them right away. I didn't go over there at all until Gabby told me that she'd given that sign to them, and that they had put it on their locker! I could feel myself shaking with anxiety. I stood and walked over to them right then.

"Why did you hang that on your locker!?" I groaned.

"Because."

It's absolutely impossible to get a straight answer from them, completely impossible.

I threw my hoodie over their head and they took it, they wrapped it around their shoulders, I stayed there, my face turning a lively shade of pink.

The rest of the people, besides Liberty, flooded outside, that's when I sat down beside them. They asked me to come closer, so I did, I bit my lip in anticipation. They put their hand on my thigh and I felt the shade of pink turn red, I'm quite sure they noticed.
They kept complaining about the cold air and was upset by everyone shuffling outside, I giggled at the remarks.

Liberty began to say something and I became tense, not necessarily because what they were saying, but because Delilah had gotten closer to my neck, my heart pounded and the red got darker and more widespread.

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Lies."

"No."

"Lies."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

They kicked my neck.

"Delilah!"

They smirked, their eyes buzzing happily all the while. They bit their lip and I found myself somehow turning more red at the sight. Liberty began to speak again and they began to move my hair away from my neck. I bit down hard on my lip, forcing myself not to say a word.

They nuzzled against my neck for a second more, I began to play with their hands, and then their lips and cheeks. They puckered them, I pressed on them with my hand lightly.

Shortly after this odd cycle begun the others were coming back in.

"Sit on my lap."

I shook my head like a mad man. I weigh like a trillion kilos, I would surely break them.

Still, I moved closer, and I wrapped my arms around them, holding their hands all the more tight.

After that, I went to ASP, It was boring, but I couldn't stop the redness from rising to my face when I thought about them. Desirae asked me if I was okay in a concerned tone and I'd covered my face when she'd brought them up. It was all over the place. None of my classes were normal after that because I no longer felt normal, I felt happy. And that's a feeling I always feel with them, and I love that.

In math, Gabby kept taunting me about the poster, my facial expressions, and went on a rant she made me swear I wouldn't tell Delilah about, which doesn't make sense because I doubt Delilah would care. She lost her pen, we laughed, it was pretty okay, I guess. - BESIDES THE FACT THAT SHE WROTE SOMETHING VERY NOT NICE ON MY ANKLE!

After math it was social studies and science, average.

Then, I left class, and school in general. I got to the bus stop, grabbed my phone from Fink. - * After they killed my fridgin lady bug ;-; * -

I got on to the bus and took a seat by my little sister, she tried to pierce her nose, and I told her she looked like a cow. As I was arguing, the bus stopped at the library and Fink started to get off, but before they left the messed up my hair with their hand and smiled at me, I was lost in their smile.

"Bye lovey!"

My heart melted and they left. I smiled, still red, even moments after they left.

Later, I went to a track thing. It wasn't much of a deal. It was pretty boring.

After that, I went to the middle school, I was anxious, but Bray can turn any panic attack to a laughing fit. As we came around the side of the building, We spotted Delilah and Taylor. Braylie began to purposefully choke on her water.

"Hey look! It's your girlfriend!"

"Braylie!"

"What? You did date."

"I'm going to choke you."

She began to slit her water all over the pavement.

"Ugh! Gross."

We came to a cross section where Taylor, Fink, Braylie and I all met. Braylie smiled mischievously.

"Hey lovey." Delilah spoke so quietly it made my entire body melt into ease and smile like the sun.

"Hi." I turned red.

They put their arm around me and I felt safe.

I put my choir shirt on and walked into the music room, there, Delilah and Taylor lay on the floor, I smiled at the sight and walked towards them.

I walked to Delilah.

"Hey lovey!"

They reached their arms out towards me.

"I have to get up," They paused and out their hands down.

"I don't want to get up."

So I sat on the floor beside them.

We went out to practice a bit on the risers, before we started, I stood behind them messing with their hair. At one point they turned around and put their hands on my waist, I turned pink. I stood one riser higher than Delilah, they found it amusing that I could out my hands on their shoulders.

"Does it feel nice, being taller for once?"

I pushed them a little, but all in a friendly manner. They turned away once more, but I still felt the indented presence of them.

We went through the material and went back to the room to practice.

In the room I messed with Delilah some more, running around the room, spinning in vivid circles. I never stopped smiling.

At some point we were on the floor, laughing, because I was tickling them. When I was done, I wrapped my arms around them and held their hand. We continued to joke around.

Ana looked at us for a second. " Are you guys, like, a thing?"

I instantaneously turned deep pink.

"Are you embarrassed?"

"No!" I buried my head in their shoulder.

"Are you?"

"Not officially." I perked my head at them, turning even more red.

"So like, you're dating."

I held their hand tighter and bit my lip anxiously.

"I love you." They whispered

"I love you too."

And then we left. We sang our Mowtown music. During the song, I looked down and saw them looking at me, I bit the inside of my cheek and looked away.

After that we left for five minutes and put on leis. When we came back, we sat on the risers. Fink and I held hands for a few moments, until they pulled their hand away.

We finished off our last piece of music and I pulled Delilah away from the risers.

"Go get your flowers."

"No."

"Talk to your mum."

"Nope."

We went to the choir room, I hugged them.

"What are you doing? I coming out there with you."

"Oh, I know."

I pulled them by the hand and dragged them, I got my flowers from Cabela, thanked them and pulled Fink away from them.

In the choir room, I pulled one of my flowers out and gave it to them. I felt happy.

I then dragged them back out to the main room, I stomped up the risers, pulling Delilah all the while.

"That was over dramatic."

I smiled at them. "And?"

"Ariah!"

I could feel the anxiety bubbling in their skin as I pulled them to my aunt, but I couldn't help how bad I wanted them to meet.

"Auntie Teri this is Fink, Fink, this is Auntie Teri."

Fink had their arm wrapped around my waist, my Aunt noticed, I could tell she was happy, she knew this is the Fink I'd talked so highly about.

"Hi! Nice to meet you."

Fink pulled their arm away from my side and shook hands with my Aunt.

"Uh, hi, what's your name?"

I laughed a little, it was cute, but I could tell they were nervous.

Fink began to walk away, I hugged them once more.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And then I watched them walk away, their face red, just like mine.

That's about it.

TBC