They've watched this same movie dozens of times. He knows the plot, the quotable parts and knows that tissues are a must. He knows the reasons Scott chose this one and if he were in his position he'd probably do the same. He knows that the lovers will turn into giant crying messes that end up cuddly, sentimental and needy. They'll lock themselves away in their room for days or maybe big romantic gestures will be made... That movie does things to people who are in love and breaks a little piece of those who aren't.

He just feels numb as he watches the two cuddle in his periphery. Both have tears on their cheeks and he can hear whispering as Alex leans in to nuzzle against Scott's cheek.

He himself hasn't shed a tear. He can't. A tsunami of emotion wants out but this isn't the time or the place. He shouldn't have given in to the puppy dog eyes and pouty lip his best friend had resorted to when he told him he wasn't in the mood. He's predictable, a glutton for punishment as they say. He sees Scott glance over at him a few times but Alex is quick to distract him.

He tries to watch the movie, to fall into the love story as he's done on countless occasions, but that thing inside of him that breaks, the feeling of being defective wears him down. He watches the lovers on the screen who have loved with such intensity through the entire movie finally reconnect in a moment of passion and his nerves fray, raw and exposed. He feels the couch shift as Alex and Scott move closer into each other's arms, mouths pressed together.

Without a word he gets to his feet and takes off up the stairs. He needs air and space and about 100 glasses of wine before he can come back down to earth. He needs something he knows he'll never have and the thought of living this half-life forever drags him under. The waves hit him like a battering ram and that beating parasite in his chest finally aches physically as he felt it should have all of those times he's stared at his ceiling in the dark, or when he sees a stranger's eyes light up when they spot the man or woman they love across a room. He is out of breath when he trips through the door and out onto the patio.

No one else is home besides the lovers on the couch and he gives himself permission to cry, to sob out the noises he's held inside for years of failed attempts at finding that connection. He knows he's flawed, the screw up in an assembly line of normal human beings.

His connection is wrong, too strong in an area that isn't meant for that kind of intensity. He's told Scott before that he thinks he's broken but his best friend mistakes it for sarcasm or jest and the subject is laughed away and hidden deep in his chest once again, blocking off his heart and soul like scar tissue. He can't devote himself to anyone, his connection is already misdirected and though he tries to fight it off, to push it and him away, he can't let it or him go. Scott holds on too tight, clings to him like a security blanket. He doesn't realize he's slowly smothering Mitch to death, wrapping tight fingers around his ankle as he tries to climb out of the hole he's sunken into.

The lyrics to a song he's listened to dozen of times are always on his mind, chipping away at him and trying to show him what needs to be done, but there is truth in those words and he lives them every single day.

"Something always brings me back to you" his voice trembles as he stumbles over to the railing, gripping it tight with both hands. "It never takes too long."

He's on his knees by the time he allows himself to suck in the lungfull of air his cries have denied him. He doesn't hear the door or the approach of footsteps behind him. His ears are filled with pressure and rushing water. He can't hear anything except the whispers of his own doubts and fears and pain and emptiness.

________

Something was wrong. He'd known it about 20 minutes into the movie. Mitch looked uncomfortable, his posture straight and wary. He thought maybe he just needed a little bit to relax but the boy remained unmoved, his face like stone. He tried to offer him popcorn but the only response he got was an almost imperceptible shake of his head. It began to nag at him, the worry tugging at him with every passing moment. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but every time he'd open his mouth Alex would pull him in, distracting him with sweet whispers and strong arms. He would get lost in his boyfriend and the movie for a just bit before the pull on his heart turned his eyes to Mitch once again.

He reached for the remote on the couch arm next to Alex, unsure of how to deal with the tension that had Mitch strung tight enough to snap but Alex mistook his movement as an excuse to get closer and pulled him in for a kiss that seemed to coincide with the movie if the crescendo of the soundtrack filling his ears was any indication. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye again and turned just in time to watch Mitch fly from the room as if running from a fire.

What the hell?

He moved to get up but Alex tugged him back again with a whine. "No... don't go away. Stay. Cuddle. Kiss."

He tried to distract him again, but the worried pounding of his heart would not be deterred this time.

"I'm gonna go check on Mitch. I'll be right back" He finally managed to get to his feet this time and the pouty lips Alex shot his way did nothing to change his mind.

"He's probably just taking a pee break. Come baccccck"

Hands reached out for him again but he was already headed upstairs.

It took a few tries to find him but once he did his heart fell into his stomach. He couldn't see his face but he could hear the cries and gasps coming from that trembling body. He couldn't bring himself to look away even knowing it was a rather private moment and when the other's knees gave out from under him his own almost followed suit.

Every single particle he was made up of screamed for him to go to him, to wrap him up in his arms and take care of him, but his feet were rooted to the wood beneath them. He'd never, EVER seen Mitch suffer a break of this magnitude. Sure there were tears and moping and nights full of wine and ice cream, but to watch him devolve into this... it was something he wasn't sure how to process. He knew almost every fix to any pain that Mitch could ever go through... but watching him there on his knees, one hand still clinging to the railing above him was like having his hands and feet bound and his mouth gagged. He felt completely helpless.

And he still hadn't seen his face.

_____

He felt his breath begin to hitch, and he fought to somehow control it. The lack of oxygen sent his already muddled thoughts into a whirlwind and panic began to take over. He gasped for breath trying to keep hold of the railing he'd attached himself to, but his fingers slid and he ended up an awkward mass of limbs and tears. He grasped at his throat, trying to somehow pull air into his lungs but it just got worse.

Suddenly he was pulled into another body and ocean blue eyes that he knew better than he knew his own were staring back at him. He could vaguely hear his voice, trying to get him to calm down but it seemed an impossible task. He felt fingers at the back of his neck caressing in even strokes as the words Scott said were finally beginning to break through the fog.

"Just breathe, Mitchy. In ... out. Ok? Slow and easy. There ya go. Just breathe."

Always Scott. He always pulled him back from the edge, his ever present anchor. He closed his eyes, tried to shut him out, but another hand on his cheek called out to him. The burn in his chest and the smothering panic began to subside and all he was left with was the ache of a wounded heart.

"No.." He almost choked on the word as he tried to pull away but the metal barrier cut off his escape. "Go away." He whimpered.

"Mitch-"

"NO!"

___

Scott felt like his entire world had just stopped. Like whoever the hell was up there making all the decisions had hit the big 'pause' button and now time just stood still.

Mitch had shut him out before, only once after a particular breed of ɑsshole had used Mitch as an escape from his real life... with his wife and kid. The boy had been so embarrassed when he found out that he'd shut himself away for hours until the alcohol ran out and the promise of cuddles and Ben and Jerry's had been too good to ignore.

This was different. It was like his best friend was trying to escape... to get away from... him.

"Please talk to me." He would beg if he had to but be damned if he was leaving Mitch out there alone.

"No. No I have to end it. It has to stop."

The blonde sat down on the deck and folded his legs in front of him. His heart was already breaking for the troubled man in front of him and he just wanted to figure out how to help him. He just wanted to make it better.

"What has to stop?" He waited for an answer but Mitch didn't seem to want to give it to him. "Please tell me."

"You have to let me go."

The broken words, the sadness in glossy brown eyes that suddenly locked in on him... they caught him off guard. "I don't understand."

"You can't have us both, Scott. My heart can't take it. I can't live like this."

"I..." Words and thought seemed to abandon him. He couldn't follow... didn't get what Mitch was trying to say to him.

"I'm not your boyfriend so stop teasing me. Stop trying to fool my heart and soul into thinking they belong to you because they don't. You broke me, Scott. You took it all and wrapped it up in a nice little bow to keep for yourself when it's convenient for you... but what about when it's not? What am I supposed to do then? You don't love me so stop acting like you do."

"You know I love you."

The words triggered the brunette and he snapped. "I'M HOLLOW, SCOTT! I'M DEFECTIVE! I'm never going to have what people in movies have! No one is ever going to love me enough to work for it. No one will ever fight for me..not really. No one. If I went missing no one would turn their lives upside down to find me except maybe my parents. I'm never going to have that kind of love. I'm never..."

Mitch tried to scramble away again but Scott wouldn't let him. He adjusted his seating until Mitch was boxed in. In his head he knew it was probably a shitty thing to do but he wasn't going to let him leave the conversation that way.

"You're wrong. You know I would move Heaven and Earth to find you if you went missing. And you're going to have that kind of love someday you just haven't found the right person yet."

The skinny man just laughed sadly. "You're wrong. You would look for awhile until it became too hard. You'd push me to the back of your mind, convince yourself that you did everything you could and you would move on. You'd let that gorgeous man inside distract you and you would forget... and that's ok."

"Fück you! That's a bullshít accusation and you know it!"

_____

He needed to get away. He needed to get as far away from Scott as possible, but just like always the blonde was practically on top of him. No wonder he was wired wrong.

He just shook his head as he turned to look through the rows of metal on the railing behind him. "There is no finding the right person. He's already been found by someone else. It's time to accept it and try to move on. I just.." He closed his eyes, the panic and fear threatening to return. "I can't do that here with you."

"What are you saying? Mitch please just tell me what you need me to do to help you."

"I need you to let me go. I need you to get up and go back to your boyfriend and forget about me, ok? I need to be alone."

"No. I'm not leaving you like this. Just help me understand."

"You've always known, Scott. You joke about it, exploit it for viewers and fans... but its real. It's my heart!!" He forced himself to meet those concerned eyes again and not look away. "You know how I feel and you use it like a leash!"

"That's not fair."

"No it's not." He pulled himself up using the railing as a bit of a ladder as he got to his feet. Unsurprisingly Scott wasn't far behind.

"You never said it, Mitch. I waited and waited for you to speak up, to give me ... SOMETHING that said you were ready for me to make a move. You never did!"

He tried to scoot away again, almost desperate to escape the situation, but the proximity and the heat of the LA sun and electric blue sent his brain into overdrive again and he couldn't maneuver past him fast enough.

"No! Don't you dare walk away now."

He was surprised to see him crying. Hurting Scott had never been part of the plan, but really there hadn't been a plan... simply an explosion of years worth of pent up emotions and denial.

"You know I've always been in love with you. You've always known."

"Hoping and wishing aren't the same as knowing, Mitch. You can't blame me for not reading your mind!"

"I don't!"

"Why now? Why didn't you say anything before now?" Scott's voice was getting louder and louder and it just made Mitch cower even more.

"Because... look at you. You're you... I will never be a worthy match for you. I know I'm not the right fit for you physically. I never have been. I saw how you looked at me when I was bigger, almost like you pitied what i'd become."

"I didn't-"

"No. You did.. and I did too. But I know your type, I see who you're attracted to... and I am not it."

"You don't know how wrong you are."

"He's perfect for you, Scott. He's kind and beautiful and funny. He goes out with you, pulls out your chair... makes you lunch... leaves you sweet little notes to tell you he loves you." That sharp pain in his chest was back and he forced his gaze down to stare at the ground. "He gives you all the things that I'll never have... and so many things that I could never give to you. You deserve that. You deserve love and happiness and security and someone to take care of you the way Alex does."

"You don't understand..."

"You can't have us both, Scott and you and I both know who your heart chooses."

If he were honest with himself this was the moment he'd imagined Scott's lips crashing down on his... his arms pulling him tight against his body, but that isn't what happens at all. He watches his best friend search for words and uses the distraction to pull his arm free of Scott's hand. "You have to let me go."

And then he's running. He doesn't know where he's going but he just knows that he needs to be as far away as he can possibly get. He ignores the sound of Alex's voice as he grabs his car keys from the hook by the door and soon he's speeding off to God knows where.

___

Scott's hands fly up to his face, his fingers covering his nose and mouth in almost a praying motion as his tears let loose. His composure fails and he ends up gripping the railing much like the other had only a few minutes prior.

"It's you. It always has and always will be. It's you."