Scott Hoying
are you ok?

Mitchy?

are you coming
home soon?

I'm sorry I ignored
you

can we talk please?

Mitch?

i'm getting worried

you've been gone
all day

can you please
just let me know
you're alright?!

Alex is being an ɑss

did he say something
to you?

you just ran out

i know i'm not your
favorite person right
now but at least throw
me a bone please

I'm not going to stop
texting until you at
least tell me you're
alive

I know i'm a jerk
sometimes and i'm
really sorry

please answer?

please come home

i miss you

i'm sorry

i'm really getting
worried

thats it i'm going to
look for you

where are you????????

mitch please call me

please

i can't find you and i'm
freaking out ok? 

if you don't want to talk
to me at least call Kit

i just want to know
you're ok

just one text please

is this my punishment
for ignoring you?

i was just angry and
i guess a little hurt

ok a lot hurt but it
is what it is and it's over

please come back

ill make alex leave?

ill order pizza and we
can watch movies just
us

please come home

i need you

please come

please

i'm begging

~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

Mitch shifted again for the hundredth time, still trying to somehow find a way to get closer to the warm body he was cuddled against. Every time his thoughts would begin to scatter, every time he remembered those words ... he would turn and bury his face in Connor's skin, hoping to find some form of solace in it the same way Scott always did when he did the same to Mitch..

Connor had been a saint and he hated that they hadn't even established a relationship before he was dropping all of his problems in the boys lap. He'd handled it like a champ, but that didn't make Mitch feel any better about it. Still, the warmth of his body, the steady rhythm of his heart... the constant rise and fall of his chest... all of it helped keep him relaxed. The only problem was that it was too easy to imagine a different, larger body, a sweeter, less woodsy scent... bigger hands and fingers sliding over his arm and through his hair.

He'd cried so many tears it wasn't a surprise when they began to silently slide down his cheeks again.

Connor didn't even notice, just kept his eyes on the Shark Tank episode playing on the television. Scott always noticed when was sad... even when he didn't want him to. He always wiped away his tears and held him close, whispering words of love and comfort in his ear.

Scott.

The remains of his heart weren't ready for those memories, pouring salt into fresh wounds. He tried to quiet his mind again, but it was determined to create as much of a disturbance as it could.

"Hey, I'm gonna run to the bathroom. Do you need anything? Water? More ice cream?" Connor slipped out of his arms to stand and Mitch sat up to look at him.

"Babe... " Connor finally noticed the tears and reached down to wipe them away. "I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I knew how to make it better for you." 

This boy was too good to him and he closed his eyes just to bask in the feel of his thumb sliding over his cheek. He looked up into his eyes and couldn't stop himself when he got to his feet and leaned forward to meet their lips. It was a sweet press of skin to skin, but the intimacy was nice... if a little desperate. When they parted Connor gave him a genuine smile. 

"As much as I would love to do that for hours, ... ok more than hours... I think it might be considered taking advantage and I don't want anything between us to feel that way." He didn't realize his words were far too close to Mitch's current situation, but his intent was noble if a bit misplaced.

Mitch caught the words, recognized the ache in his chest in response, but still he couldn't stop the laugh that escaped him.

"It was just a kiss, Connor. People have taken much worse." Almost as if on cue his phone that had been charging on the couch arm next to him lit up and for the first time he allowed himself to actually look at it. Scott was calling. The irony...

He picked up the device, ignoring the call and dismissing the two texts that followed immediately after.

17 missed calls from Scott. 38 unread text messages. It was excessive even for Scott. Granted they'd been spread out over the course of the day and it only made him realize just how long he'd been ripping apart his own insides trying to understand everything that was happening.

His laughter picked back up as he read through Scott's words, unable to contain the torrent of emotions inside of him. He laughed and laughed until it all morphed into a mix of tears, sobs and crazed laughter.

"He's freaking out again. He's begging me to come home and I'm going to go because I can't bear the thought of seeing him hurting like that again. What is wrong with me!?" 

Connor didn't hesitate to wrap around him as he collapsed into his chest sobbing. "Nothing is wrong with you. Noth.ing. He's been your best friend since you were kids. You can't just turn that off. No one is going to judge you for going back to help him." 

Mitch shook his head and turned red rimmed eyes to meet his. "I'm going to lose him forever."

"You don't know that. Go and talk to him. Only Scott knows the truth and something tells me that if you ask him for it then he'll give it to you. Please don't let the words of someone else get in the way of the actual facts, alright? Call me if you need me and you know I'll be there. I promise."

It took a few moments but soon he was pulling away and wiping his tears, concerned for his own mental state when he realized just how worried he was about Scott.

He thanked Connor again, pressing another quick kiss to his lips to help calm his own nerves before quickly heading out. He texted Scott a simple 'omw' before making sure the phone was still silent and throwing it face down on the seat next to him.

~~~~~

He stood outside of the apartment door staring at it for the longest time trying to pull himself together. He kept hearing Alex's voice in his head, but the memory of Scott's break down in his bed still pushed him forward. He couldn't let him go through that again because of him. He couldn't. 

He took a deep breath and opened the door, barely getting inside and closing the door before he was wrapped up in strong arms, held tight against a solid chest that he knew oh so well.

He resisted the nearly overwhelming urge to break down again in the arms he'd been longing to run into, but he just managed to hold it together.

"God, I was so worried. Where have you been!?" Scott whispered into his hair, fingers gently gripping wherever they could.

It was then that he realized the steady beat of Scott's heart, the even rise and fall of the chest against him. Scott wasn't having an episode.

He closed his eyes as tight as he could, clinging to the familiar, homey feel that came with being in those arms. He gave himself that one last moment before he pulled away.

"You're ok?" He couldn't look at him. He knew he'd never be able to hold it together if he saw his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was this close to an episode, but ... I'm alright now that you're here and I know you're ok."

Mitch nearly recoiled as fingers caressed beneath his chin before lifting it. He honestly just felt numb when their eyes met. Maybe he'd just cried so much that day that there was only so much left inside of him. It wasn't until Scott's brow wrinkled in concern did the dam break and the flood of emotions came rushing back out again.

"You've been crying."

Pale eyebrows raised as the tears in Mitch's eyes made yet another appearance. "What's wrong?" 

He shook his head in response but didn't look away.

"Babe, I'm sorry I ignored you. It was stupid and immature and ... I just freaked out a bit, I guess. I never meant to -" 

"No. No, it's fine." He tried to dismiss it, tried to walk past Scott to escape to his room but the blonde wouldn't let him run away. 

"It's not fine! You crying is not fine. Ever! Please tell me. Was it Alex?"

Mitch immediately dropped his chin, realizing too late that it was an obvious tell and Scott knew immediately. 

"I should have known. He's been such an ɑss today."

He could hear the bite in Scott's voice and wasn't sure how to respond so he just stayed quiet.

"What did he do? Did he say something to you? Mitch, please talk to me."

The words triggered something and he responded without thinking. "You mean like you talked to me?" He met those surprised and guilty blue eyes again, and Scott was the one to look away. 

"I know. I was an ɑss and I'm sorry."

"Do you know what that felt like? Do you know what that did to me? I couldn't -" He stopped himself before he could get too far into that. There were other more important things to discuss and he was far too emotional to let himself slide down the wrong track.

"You ignored me on purpose, Mitch. It said you read my texts but you still chose to leave me like that. I'd never felt that way before. You just..." He stopped to search for a way to say how he was feeling

Mitch knew that Scott didn't always know how to express himself in the right way or with the right words. They'd had many discussions about it while trying to write songs or during heart to hearts when Scott would get hung up on putting the right sentence together.  He'd known him long enough to know when to give him time to get it all in order.

"You... you abandoned me."  

"Scott ... " He didn't want to say it. The question felt like a weapon on the tip of his tongue, but he knew he had to ask. Maybe he was avoiding Scott's accusation that he was certainly guilty of, but mostly he just needed to know.  He shifted around on his feet until Scott looked him in the eyes again. "Are you ... using me?"

Scott's eyes fluttered a couple of times, the question and the vulnerable delivery obviously catching him off guard. "What do you mean? I wouldn't..." 

Mitch had to dig his fingernails into his palms to keep from looking at the floor again and backing down. 

"Alex said-"

"Fück Alex."

"Please!" He waited until he saw the fire that had appeared in Scott's eyes at the mention of his boyfriend's name dwindle. Only then did he continue. "He said you're lying about your ... condition. He said that you fake it so that you can...." His lungs felt too full and he puffed out a harsh breath.

"It's not like that." Scott's voice was quiet and he sounded as if he needed to continue, but Mitch didn't give him a chance.

"Please don't lie to me. I need you to tell me the fücking truth. Please, I at least deserve that."

He knew his heart was headed for destruction when Scott's eyes darted away from him... and to the floor. Scott was ashamed or embarrassed about something...

"Scott...?"

The blonde took a deep breath and looked right into his eyes. "You've never really asked me the question directly."

"You know what I'm asking.  Are you ... do you need... my penìs?"

Scott shook his head slowly. "No."

His heart disintegrated in his chest.

He turned to leave, needing to get as far away as he could but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Wait, where are you going?" 

"WHERE DO YOU THINK I'M GOING!?" He spun around to face him, pushing back at his shoulders just to release some frustration and anger.

"Mitchy, just listen. It's not what you think." 

"Not what I think?" He threw his hands up in exasperation. "NOT WHAT I THINK!? You lied to me!" Even saying the words felt like being burned alive. 

"No. I didn't." 

He stared at his frie- ... no his ex 'friend'... unable to grasp just how he could say such a thing. "You let me believe all this time that it was my dick that you were obsessed with! How could you do that to me!? You USED me!" 

"NO! Mitch, it's not ... you're not understanding. It's not your penìs... it's .. it's your ... smell." Scott's face turned about 10 shades of pink and red.

"What?"

"Y-your smell."

"I don't ...understand... and that doesn't make it better!" 

"Can we just sit for a minute?"

Scott was beginning to fidget around and he recognized the signs enough to know that if it kept up an episode would be right around the corner. He really didn't want to sit... the anger and betrayal fueling his heart's desperate rhythm that gave him far too much nervous energy.

"Please... Just let me explain. I'll answer anything you want, I swear." Scott sounded a little more than terrified that Mitch would just turn and leave him there, and maybe rightly so.

Still.. he needed the truth and if this was the way to get it then so be it. It was strange how his heart still kept him there in that room instead of running like his head wanted. His existence still orbited around Scott.

He gave a small nod and moved to the couch with Scott, unsurprised when he had to scoot away from the other man crowding his space. Some things never change.

"Alright. Explain."

"Your ...um." Scott gestured to his crotch. "That's where you smell the most like you." 

"My dick? You couldn't smell my arm? Or my neck?" 

"Sometimes. Sometimes just being near you works, like when I hug you I can smell you.. especially on the back of your neck. But you use a lot of hair product and cologne... and I can't smell you through it. Sometimes I can but it's not enough. If I put my mouth on you... there... it smells like you all the time."

Mitch's face scrunched up a bit but Scott continued on.

"And when you... um... come ... on my hand or whatever... the smell stays with me." 

Scott's face was on fire by that point, but Mitch wasn't sure how to even respond to the new info.

"I know you think it's gross... and I know you hate it and I'm sorry. Usually just your smell can calm me... or holding you, but when it gets really bad I just need all of you. I need your voice and your smell, I need to feel you in my arms.. in my hands. I'm sorry that sometimes I... ruin things." 

His smell. Part of him wanted to cringe at the thought of Scott getting sniffy in places he probably shouldn't, but somehow that missing piece made the entire puzzle come back together... save a couple of edges. There were still some questions left unanswered.

"So why did Alex say you weren't taking your pills on purpose? And why aren't your triggers consistent? Why didn't you just tell me!"

"Because you never asked? Because I know you don't feel the same way about me... that I feel for you." He picked at the hem of Mitch's shirt, eyes staring at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"That isn't an answer. What does that even mean?"

"Forget it." 

"And what about grabbing my dick during meetings or whatever?" 

"When you get hard you ... I can smell you. I know how to touch you now so that you... " He chewed on his lip. "It's distinctly you. No one else smells like that... just you." 

Mitch just sat there staring at him. "And here I thought Wyatt shoving his head into my armpit was weird." 

"That is weird." Scott made a face. "Though maybe not so much."

"God this is twisted." Mitch shook his head until he saw just how embarrassed Scott was. "I'm sorry. I know you can't help it." 

"I wasn't taking my pills." Scott blurted out, a sheen of moisture beginning to sit on his waterline. 

"So Alex was right about that. Why not?" 

"Please don't hate me." 

So much information and now Scott was asking him not to hate him. "Tell me." 

Scott swallowed. "Because I.." The tears began to fall and the next words were nearly whimpered out. "i'm in love with you and it was the only way I could feel close to you. I never lied about the episodes. I never took without a reason, but I just ... love you so much and I know you don't feel the same and I just wanted..." 

He started to cry into his hands and Mitch was left there to suffocate as the air was sucked out of him.

"I just wanted to be close to you. I promiseI won't stop taking them again. I swear! I'm so sorry." 

Mitch watched him, almost unable to react as Scott scratched at his shirt and chest, fingernails digging in as if trying to claw his own heart out. Those crystal eyes were filled with more than tears... they were filled with fear when they looked back up at him. 

 Mitch's heart told his arms... his body to move closer, to comfort Scott as he usually would, but his brain refused to cooperate and so he sat stone still.

"Please don't hate me. I never meant to hurt you, I just ... love you so much. I always have. You don't... I mean.. I want... God, I'm so sorry Mitchy." 

Still he sat, unmoved, thoughts whizzing around in his head like a racetrack. 

Scott was...

No. He couldn't be.

His Scott... in love with him.

Just when he thought he couldn't be more confused.