Mitch was a nervous wreck.  His thoughts were miles away and even when Kirstie tried her best to keep his mind occupied with different tasks and an adorably oversized pup, nothing could make him forget his best friend. 

They were very nearly done with the dinner they were preparing when Jeremy interrupted with a very upset Alex on his phone. The boy had resorted to calling Jer when he couldn't reach Mitch or Kirstie. He'd begged Mitch to come home and the urgency... the fear and sadness in that voice were enough to convince him to drop everything and break a few traffic laws to get back home.

The guilt from ignoring Scott practically killed him when he finally made it home and Alex looked as if he'd just fought a war. Still... it was nothing to discovering the whimpering/gasping man curled up in his bed, crushing his pillow against his chest as if it were Mitch himself. Those pale cheeks were flushed and covered in tears and his cuticles were torn apart and bloody in places where he'd scratched and chewed at them. He couldn't tell if his trouble breathing was due to his sobs or just a symptom of his episode.

If Kirstie's words had given him any cause to doubt Scott, the broken man in front of him proved her so incredibly wrong.

He didn't even have to ask Alex to excuse them and the moment he shut the bedroom door Mitch hurried over to the bed to wrap the giant in his arms. Imagine his surprise when Scott jerked away with a sharp, "NO".

"Scott..." 

"YOU ...." his voice was uneven as he fought to suck in more air, his eyes wide with a thousand different emotions clouding them. "... DIDN'T.... " 

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry, babe. I swear. I'm here now. Please let me help you." He tried to keep his voice calm and even but watching Scott devolve this way was absolutely heartbreaking and he wouldn't have been able to stop his own tears even if he had wanted to. "Please..."

Scott didn't look like he wanted to be anywhere near him but fingers slowly began to release their iron grip on his pillow to slide over Mitch's arm and curl around it instead. He was expecting him to go between his legs as per their usual routine but instead the moment Scott's skin met his the pillow was tossed aside and he was tugged as close as possible into Scott's chest and a face was buried in his neck. 

He could feel the tears wetting his skin and the tremble of the body surrounding him as Scott sobbed against him. He let his fingertips drag along his side to try and help bring him back down.  He wasn't nearly prepared for this level of episode but all he could do was let Scott take what he needed.   

It was an almost immediate improvement and after a few more minutes of whispered words and tight hugs Scott's chest began to rise and fall in a much more even pattern.

Still, several minutes passed and he didn't lift his head and his hands remained above Mitch's waist.

"You ignored me..."

The words sliced through his heart like a hot knife through butter. "I am so, so sorry, babe. I promise you it won't happen again. Ever" 

Scott's only answer was to tighten his hold for a just a moment, breathing in the scent of his skin and letting it calm his heart and his mind.

"Want to sleep in here tonight?" He wasn't sure what made him ask. It was a standing rule that they didn't sleep in the same bed because it wasn't fair to Alex but he'd also never seen Scott lose it like he just had. Fear played a small part, fear of seeing Scott fall apart again... but the guilt probably had a bit more to do with it. He tried not to think of that, at least not yet.

He was surprised when Scott shook his head no and reluctantly pulled away from him after one last tight squeeze.  When the blonde sat up he did as well, still ready to be there in... other... ways for Scott. He could see his pinky finger tapping a slow rhythm against his leg, but those tired, puffy eyes refused to look at him.

"Just tell me what you need." He was already beginning to unbutton his jeans.

"I need my pills." He whispered and got to his feet.

"I can get them for you. Just relax, ok? I want to make sure you're better." 

"I'm fine now."

His voice was so quiet, yet even through the exhaustion he could still hear the hurt in it.

"I never meant to hurt you." He got to his feet and moved in front of Scott, taking his hands in his own and trying to somehow catch his gaze but it was impossible.

"Alex is waiting for me." He pulled his hands away and moved around Mitch and headed straight for the door.

"Scott-" 

He paused but only for a moment, just long enough to set fire to the remains of his heart.

"He was here." 

And then he was gone and the door was slamming right in Mitch's face.

~

He lay in bed that night staring at the ceiling. All of the tears that had come so quickly before seemed to dry up inside of him. He felt like he was full of them but they wanted to make sure he drowned before they would give him any type of release. Every single time he closed his eyes all he could see was the disappointment and hurt on that panicked face... hear the pain in his voice as he dismissed him.

Scott had never been that upset with him and truth was he'd never really been more upset with himself.

It was a very long, very sleepless night.

The next few days were beyond awkward and uncomfortable. Scott barely acknowledged him or even responded when he spoke to him and every time he was faced with those baby blues the guilt crept right back up into his chest and throat once again ready to suffocate him. He'd tried apologizing again and again but Scott would just walk away before he could finish. He'd tried making him breakfast, getting up early to do the coffee runs every morning... inviting him shopping... to dinner... anything... but he got nowhere .. and the food and coffee always remained untouched.

It was strange to be shut out, to be on the receiving end of Scott's silent treatment. He wasn't used to feeling so much guilt and loneliness and he certainly didn't approve. It was frustrating and more than a little bit heartbreaking but he'd been the one to make the final decision to ignore his best friend when he needed him. That was his choice and now he had to live with it. He knew he was the one at fault, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

It didn't help that Alex rarely left the apartment after witnessing his boyfriend's breakdown. He knew Scott had asked him to stay and miraculously days continued to pass without incident. Scott was fine. Mitch didn't know how to feel about it. The apartment suddenly felt overcrowded, the once comforting presence of the newest occupant now just felt ... wrong.  For some reason every time Scott reached for Alex or cuddled with him on the couch or pretty much anything... a new feeling began to press down on him: Jealousy. He couldn't get away from them or that feeling. 

He wasn't used to being second in Scott's life... he'd been his number one for so long. He wasn't used to being the one on the outside looking in. He certainly wasn't used to missing him but he did.

It was messing with his head.  Kirstie hadn't been much help, sticking to her guns and encouraging him to distance himself. He knew that there was no way that she had been right, even when she tried her hardest to convince him otherwise. Even if she had been, it didn't really matter all that much anymore. If all it took to get Scott to smile at him again was to let him cop a feel now and then then he'd do it in a heartbeat. Anything was better than the cold distance, the loneliness and the silence. He wasn't sure he could take much more of it.

Still... there was the tiniest seed of doubt planted in his mind and the isolation gave him far too much time to overthink. Scott had survived his worst episode to date without him taking off his pants. Was his condition really based around his penìs? He hadn't even reached for it, not even once. Could Scott be making up his own rules as they went along? It's not like he ever got anything in return once Alex had stepped into the picture. What could Scott even hope to gain from lying about it? IF he was lying about it. No. He didn't really believe he was... did he? No. He 100% was not lying.

Too many thoughts... too many 'what if's ... too many feelings trying to push and shove their way to the front of his mind. He wasn't sure how to handle it all.

Connor had been sweet and understanding when he told him he needed a few days to himself to sort out some things... even when he didn't really know why. It was one more thing to weigh on his mind even when he was just trying to save the poor boy from being dragged under with all of his mess.

He was overwhelmed and confused and lonely and ...up and down and sideways ... just everything at once. No matter what he did to try and distract himself nothing really worked. His world was too off kilter. Desperation was creeping up on him with every passing moment.

He knew he probably seemed like a lost puppy when he all but begged Scott to talk to him but the result was the same and the sting of rejection stayed with him as he cried silent tears into his pillow that night listening to the other two men talking and laughing at whatever was on the tv.

It wasn't fair. How many years had he been there? How many times had he stopped his life, dropped everything to be there for Scott. How many times had he put everyone else's needs, including his own, behind the needs of that man. One time. It only took one screw up to break it all down and turn him into the enemy. Relationships put aside, his heart pushed back into the shadows... he'd done everything he could to take care of Scott, but none of that seemed to matter. One wrong decision and he was dismissed.

He should have felt angry about it, stomped his way out to the living room and voiced all of those thoughts and facts.. but he couldn't. No matter how many times Scott's actions seemed unjustified, he'd remember seeing him there in the bed he was currently laying in, gasping for breath while he held the pillow Mitch's head was currently resting on. It was still his fault.

Even if it wasn't fair.

~

Eight days passed before Scott finally responded when he told him good morning. It was only a small victory but the mumbled 'morning' as he passed him to walk out the door was still progress and meant more to him than he ever wanted to admit.

Still, it was the first time since the incident that he hadn't seen Alex following him out of the bedroom or milling about in the apartment and he couldn't help but wonder if that had been a factor in breaking down the stone barrier. As he searched through the cabinets to find something for breakfast a single thought began to nag at him. He wasn't sure what it would prove, or why he was even still considering Kirstie's words, but still he found himself creeping into Scott's room and then into his bathroom. He'd never had any issues or hesitations going into Scott's room and borrowing whatever he wanted before but now his heart was pounding and as he took the pill bottles down from the medicine cabinet, that little voice in his head screamed at him to stop.

He read the names but knew he'd never remember them so he pulled out his phone and took a picture of the bottle and put it back where it belonged. He was about to do the same with the second when a voice broke the silence and startled him enough that the bottle flew from his hand and went rolling across the floor.

Alex bent to pick it up and held it back out to him.

"I- ... I wasn't." He didn't even have the faintest clue how to even explain what he was doing but it turned out he didn't have to.

"Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me." 

"I wasn't trying to-"

"It's ok. I did the same thing." He gave him a half smile. "Pretty much the first chance I got."

Oh, God. What if he tells Scott? He'll never forgive me.

"Alex, I swear I believe him. It's just... Kirstie said-"

"That he's faking? Yeah. He is."

"What?" The words were the last he'd expected to come from Alex's mouth and it took a second to really understand them. "No. He can't be." He shook his head, the foundations of everything he'd believed in beginning to buckle.

"Well, not always and he really does have a disorder. Trust me, I've researched fluvoxamine enough that I could probably write a research paper without actual research at this point. He does have an obsession, Mitch, and it is with you. It's just ... it's not exactly what he says it is." He chewed on his lip, his eyes nearly as tired as Mitch's own.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that while Scott has a disorder that makes him ridiculously obsessed with you... he's not being completely honest about his episodes. There's a lot you don't know or maybe you just didn't want to know so you ignored it. Maybe you're just too close to the situation to see it.  I'm sorry, Mitch, but he's been lying to you for years."