"When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.

She's like a child crying at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end."

                                                                                    - David Lehman.

*Flashback*

I was angry at him. Very angry because I was at the hospital and he had been calling and messaging me non-stop. I told him I was with my dad and he needs me there. I told him I'd call him as soon as I was free but it took a long time there and when I was not able to message him, he started texting me. At first, I didn't mind, feeling happy that he cared so much but I told him I couldn't keep chatting so I'd call him when I was free. He wouldn't listen though and continued to text me. My father, doctor, nurse, my mom, everyone was there and they looked at me every time I got a text. I put my mobile on silent and told him not to do this but he didn't stop so I had to ignore his texts. I was helpless, I couldn't do anything about it. I was at the hospital, it was an emergency. I expected that he'd understand but he didn't.

Later, when I called him, he was talking roughly. Controlling my anger, I tried to make him see reason but he kept complaining. This got me mad so I kept quiet, keeping my answers short. This irritated him. It was getting hard. I just wanted him to understand how much it meant for me to be with my dad then. Instead, we ended up arguing.

"Whenever I need you with me, you are always busy," Stefan said angrily.

"I was busy with my dad, it was important. Why is it so hard for you to understand?" I shot back with irritation.

"You told me you would text me but it was almost a whole day and no texts came from you. So what did I do wrong? All I did was text you."

"Nothing but when I told you I was still in the hospital than you should have stopped. Everyone was getting disturbed." I said, trying to stay normal. I almost pleaded for him to understand. 

"So now I disturb you, hmm?" He sounded hurt. 

"Why are you taking it like that? I don't mean it that way..." I hoped he would stop arguing.

"I know how you mean it. You're just ignoring me these days," he said in an accusing tone and I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Stefan is stubborn. He will believe what he chooses to believe. All reasons and explanations fall on deaf ears when he is angry. 

Still, I tried, "For God sakes, why are you thinking like that? You know too well I am stuck with things these days. Important things so-"

Before I could finish, he cut in. "Everything and everyone is important for you, except me."

"No, don't make it so hard for us. Please understand."

"I don't want to," he said in a hard tone that made me start to cry.

"So you will fight with me over it than?" I ask, going emotional but trying to hold on.

"Hell! Now I am a fighter too?" he bit out harshly.

"Can't you see what a little lack of understanding is leading all this to? Just stop it, Stefan. Im tired, stressed, and I can't take all of this now." I pleaded again.

Stefan hissed. "Yes, I am the one who creates problems for you all the time. And you stress out because of me..."

This was too much for me. I really couldn't take it anymore. He was being so unreasonable and hard.

"I have to get fresh air and have dinner. Bye." I knew it would make him more mad but I had more than I could take for a day.

He didn't said anything. I waited for a few seconds then hung up the phone, saying bye.

After a while, I got a text from him.

I'm sorry. Please talk to me as soon as you are free. 

I replied, I will. 

I took that like our previous little fights but I didn't know it was "the fight". The one that brings the major gap in your relationship. What happened before was nothing compared to what was to happen later. If only I knew...

I hurriedly had my dinner and went to call him so he didn't think I was making him wait, again.

He didn't pick up my call but he sent a text. Had your dinner? 

Yes, you?; I asked, thinking maybe he had his dinner.

Not in the mood. Maybe later. 

Why? Go and have it.

Not now. I said I will have it later. From his text, I knew he was still tensed.

Please, go have it. I am sorry. I urged.

He sent me a sad face.

I couldn't help but feel bad, for both of us, in this situation. I wondered why he is like this but then I told myself I knew he is like this and loved him anyway. I should not forget that.

I texted; I love you, you know?

Hmm. I'll text you later.

Thinking he went for dinner, I waited.

Everyone kept wondering why I still love him, he is so immature and unreasonable. He tends to give me hard times because of his lack of understanding things. Not to mention  he is too possessive, he checks up on every one I meet and talk to. Sometimes it really gets too much to handle and we end up arguing, fighting, and not talking for days. Then he would reappear saying he's sorry in the most sweetest and charming way possible. It would just melt my heart and I would accept it.

Stefan is not as bad as everyone thinks, I believe. He is just a bit screwed up because life had been a bit hard on him but I understand him. He had been giving me hard times recently but it was not always that way. He's been with me throughout, helping me in my bad times and enjoying the good. I never had it in my mind to end things with him no matter what he did. I believed in loving the person as they are, with all the good and the bad. I kept hoping someday he would understand and things would change for good. I love him too much. I feel happy with him. This is just one side of him, he is not all bad. I really hoped he would try his hand at understanding things better and everything would be good between us. Now I could see it was a lie I kept making myself believe. It never happened and today was the proof.

I was still disarranged with my thoughts. Why was it so hard to understand that I was at the hospital with my dad while he was being diagnosed? If he can't understand that, I doubted he would ever understand anything. I decided to talk to him about it when he was a little more calm. I don't want another fight or argument.

It seems like Stefan was thinking about the same and making the decisions. He called later and from his voice, he was grim and determined for what he had to say.

"I think we should have a little break. I think it will help us," he sputtered.

"Stefan?!" I whispered in shock. "That's the best you can come up with?"

"You said it. I feel like it's the best thing to do," he said confidently.

"Why?" My voice was thick with emotion. He didn't said anything. I waited a bit and then asked in a small voice, wishing he'd see what he is making me go through, "All because I couldn't reply to your text today?"

He groaned and, I don't know why, but I felt like there was more to it than just that. It sounded like this was more of an excuse. I tried to keep my mind saying I shouldn't doubt him. Why would he lie or hide from me? I am certain he loves me. He is just in a cranky mood but that's typical of him. He is always like this whenever anything goes against his wishes.

"Stefan," I said in a whisper.

"Hmm," he sounded lost.

"Stefan, just let this pass, things will be good. Don't make it like the other times, when we go apart and then a few days later you come and say sorry-" I hoped my words were making sense to him.

"I am not sorry about today," he said sharply, cutting me off.

I felt like throwing up. He doesn't want to understand.

I say calmly but in a firm tone. "I am not asking you to say sorry, Stefan. All I'm trying to say is, just let this go without all this drama for a change. Skip it and everything will be normal between us."

"With you always busy with something or other Elena, nothing will ever be normal with us and you don't even say sorry," he snapped at me.

So much for trying!

"If I had been busy then there always has been good reasons why. Either I am with someone, studying because of exams, or something important comes up. I don't know why you always doubt me on that,"  I returned in a firm tone.

"Which 'someone' is more important to you than your boyfriend?"

I was shocked.

"What are you implying at?" I wanted to scream but I controlled.

"Oh, don't even bother if you can't see through things yourself, Elena."

It dawned on me that he was talking about the other day when I got a call from a guy -Klaus - I met sometime back, when I was attending a party with Cal and we three hit it off good on our first meeting. I can't even call him a stranger because he came out to know my family and I remembered mom and dad talking about him but I never met him before.

The three of us became friends and decided to meet soon. Klaus got my number from Cal and he called me up to invite me over for a get-together. I was talking with Stefan on my mobile and seen a call from unknown number. I asked him to hold on so I could check who was calling. I didn't know who it was - it could have been anyone. It could have been something important. Stefan and I had already been talking for hours. I thought he would understand but, as it came out, he didn't. He was angry at me for holding his call for someone I just met and for giving him my number. I told him I didn't give him my number, Cal did because we became friends. He went harsh in his anger and said things, not just about me but also about Cal. I couldn't tolerate it and we ended up fighting. I couldn't even make it to that meeting with Cal and Klaus because I was too sad and stressed with everything that happened between Stefan and I. When Cal confronted him with this, he apologized to her and came to meet me. I forgave him because it looked like he was really sorry but now I knew the truth that he never could get past it.

"You are still not over it then why you even apologized?" I asked Stefan.

"I thought I was over it until I saw him at your college when I came to meet you."

I tried to inhale a breath that seemd to stick in my throat. Stefan is suspecting me? Gosh! I didn't even know that guy came to my college. My mind figured out that he was a friend of one of my class-mate Matt, whose party we visited. He must have come for him. I didn't even see him. Now I realised why Stefan suddenly left without picking me up. He didn't tell me why. But how did he know that it was him? He wanted me to say something, which I didn't because I had no idea about this at all. He was suspecting me all this time. Oh God!

"Stefan...? " I let out in a questioning tone. "Are you suspecting me of something?"

"What should I be doing when you hid things from me?" He asked in an accusing tone.

"You didn't even tell me a thing about this. For the past 2 days, you were thinking things on your own, suspecting me?" I was shocked.

"Why did you say it yourself then, if you had nothing to hide? I can feel you deviating from me, keeping things from me."

"Enough Stefan! I never did such things and for your information, I didn't even know he was there. I didn't even see him."

"Matt introduced me to him. I met them outside while I was waiting for you to come. I saw them go inside. How can you lie and say that you didn't see him?"

"I am not lying. I was in the library when I got your text. I couldn't reply back to you since I was right in front of the librarian and she was checking out my books." I paused, waiting for his reacrion but when he remianed silent, I continued saying,"And Later, when I checked my texts, I saw your last text. You wrote you already left. I was confused, I didn't know why. I thought maybe there was an emergency and you had to go. That's what you told me too, when I asked you later on."

"Because I wanted you to tell me about it. I waited for 15 minutes but then I thought you must be busy with your friends and avoiding my text so I left."

"You thought it all yourself. You didn't even bother to ask me. You suspected me all this time over your own silly thoughts." I was crazy then. My voice was getting rough. "What do you take me to be? Do you trust me at all?" I almost shouted.

"Don't shout. And of course I trust you. I just..." He trailed off. 

"Trust? This is how you trust me? Just what did you think I was doing? God Stefan," I swore.

"I'm sorry..."

"Sorry? How many times and for how many things will you be sorry about? And I have to keep forgiving you?" I bit out.

Silence surrounded the room for a minute or two.

"You never understand my reasons and you make things up on your own in your mind and you suspect me and you expect I forgive you? It's not happening at all, Stefan. I'm tired of it now..." My voice almost wobbled as I said that, controlling the fury I was feeling inside. I still couldn't come to terms that he suspected me. Like he was so eager to believe I will be with another guy and hide from him.

"So, you got tired of me? See, you finally said it." He said like he had proven a point.

"Don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say that." I was annoyed that he thinks like that of me. I was badly irritated as it showed in my words, as I spoke," First, hear me and then react. You just judge my words without listening and understanding how I mean them. This is what I'm tired of. You just don't understand. This mind of yours, it's creating problems between us because you wouldn't try to understand but assume, think, and make things up on your own in your mind and then give me a hard time. Can't you see it's ruining us?"

"What's ruining us is the fact that you no longer have time for me. You are always busy with something or other."

"Don't change the track, Stefan."

"I stated a fact, I'm not changing tracks."

"You are because you know you are wrong for suspecting me. And I'm not busy all the time and if I am then it's something that really needs my presence and attention but i always take time out to meet you, call you as soon as I can. You don't even see how much I try to be with you."

"Why did that start happening so much these days? All of a sudden something or other important comes up. Why?" He flung back at me in a questioning tone.

"Your question still indicates your suspicion." Hurt and anger was taking it's grip on me again now.

"You want to get away with that one thing that went against me? Okay, I admit I am wrong with that. I am sorry. What else do you want me to do for you to forgive me?" He asked in a mock/apologetic way.

I felt disgusted. "One thing you should have done long ago, Stefan, is understand me!" I retorted.

"Understand what? This has become like an everyday issue between us because you are always busy," his voice was low now but still hard.

"Things are not in my hands to make plans or decide. You know too well how rough these past few days have been for me but you just want to suspect me. You don't ever try to understand me, even today you made it so hard for me. You were just not understanding that I was with my dad at the hospital," I said as softly as I can, hoping that he understands now.

"Understand, understand! I'm tired of hearing this word from you, Elena. Why do I have to understand all the time?" he asked in a loud voice.

"Really? You do. What about when I understand and try to move on, skipping everything, when you come to apologize. When did I not understand or forgive you?" I controlled myself from reacting back the same way but I couldn't help my voice from being a bit rough this time.

"Was that a favour?" he asked harshly.

"Shut up, I didn't mean it that way. I told you, you just have your own way of taking things. You will never try to understand my point of view," I whimpered.

"I see that I am such a problem for you," his voice still harsh.

"Stefan, enough! Just enough. It's you not understanding me, suspecting me, and then you only complaining."

"No, I just had it ok. I'm saying 'enough'," he was shouting at me now.

"Don't shout. Just try to understand. This way we will never be able to fix things between us," I said feeling helpless.

"Fix what? It's too broken to fix."

"Maybe but we love each other so if only you can trust me and try to understand then we still can fix it."

"I told you I'm tired of this 'understanding' thing," he sneered in an exasperated tone.

"I'm supposed to be angry. Instead, I'm trying to make you understand and you're only making it harder."

"Then don't do me favours, Elena, please."

"I am not doing any favours. I'm doing this for us." I wished he could see.

"What's the use when you can't help but be busy and we end up like this again? You don't even say sorry."

"Sorry? Me? For what?" I was thinking about what I did and found nothing to be sorry about!

"For today," he said.

"Today? Where was I wrong enough to be sorry?" I questioned.

"You kept me waiting."

"I already explained why," I said.

"So, you won't say sorry?" he asked.

"I would because you waited but not in the way you're trying to put it in. I'm sorry you had to wait but I didn't kept you waiting on purpose. I was busy with something important," I stated.

"Than don't say sorry at all. Don't do me more favours by saying sorry when you dont even realise your mistake," he said it in a very hard tone that made me me wonder if he is the same person I knew.

I didn't want to reply to him anymore. I knew it would make things worse but what he said couldn't be left hanging. He was thinking I was busy with another guy, when I have not even met him and even if I had met him that doesn't means he will suspect me over it. We knew each other for a long time now. We were in love and people in love with each other are suppose to trust each other, not make judgments on them. He did that and, as if that was not enough, he was now making me feel like I did some sort of crime by not replying to him when he knew too well the reason behind it. I really can't wrap my head around the fact that he considers me being with my dad at the hospital and not able to reply to him, as a mistake.

"Mistake? I was busy with my dad because he was been diagnosed so I couldn't text you much and you call that a mistake? I am not sorry because I chose to attend that instead of text you. Take it as you want."

"Fine, than just admit you want to avoid me and don't say you try to fix things."

"You know that's not the truth."

"Then say sorry and end it," his voice was forceful.

Now he made it an issue of his ego, demanding sorry from me even we both knew I was not wrong. It was him who did wrong, yet he was insisting I apologize. My self-respect couldn't take it. He is important to me and our love means a lot to me but not at the cost of my self-respect. I'm not being sorry because I had to be with my dad. No!

"You want me to say sorry for something I am not sorry about at all. You expect me to give in to your immaturity, going against my self-respect. I do love you, Stefan, but don't make me dump my self-respect for it."

"Fine," he said that loudly and disconnected the call.

I was too angry, hurt, and stressed. What a day!

I just sat and stared at oblivion. My head hurts to even think a thing.

After ten minutes, I got a text from him.

"You know what. I think I just had it. Just do whatever you want to do and leave me alone."

"Stop it. Why are you being like this?" I was worn out by now.

"Ask yourself that."  I knew he was angry.

"Tell me what I did wrong. Why can't you just understand?"  I wished there was some other word I could use instead of "understand" but I couldn't find a replacement so I hit send. I was so sad by now, trying to control my anger, to not let things go worse.

But too late!

He took out everything he had been holding inside. Every word he wrote in his next text hurt me so much that I felt like I had been getting blow after blow of arrows shot straight into my heart.

"I am tired of trying to be with you and you giving me excuses that you are busy with this or that. Our relationship, it isn't going anywhere. I thought we could make, whatever this is, work out but it seems like I am the only one trying in this. I don't think we can ever work it out for us. I can't say anything more now. I just need to be away." 

Really? Is he really trying? Than why is it that he can't bring himself to understand? Is it just misunderstandings that's the reason for our fights?

I was hurt. I felt like he was leaving me. He couldn't see how I was juggling between my studies, him, and situations at home since dad got hospitalized. What, does he want me to beg? Still keeping aside my pride, hurt, and anger I asked,"Don't you love me Stefan? If you do, then please don't make it so hard for me, don't make it all so much worse between us."

"I don't feel like answering anything at all, Elena. Leave me alone."

"You want me to leave you alone? For how long this time?" 

He replied, "I need time. Can I get it?"

Knowing him, I was sure he already made the decision and nothing I say will ever move him.

Tears stung my eyes and, with a heavy heart, I typed, "Yes."

That was the first major fall-out that we had where we both were wrong. Him, for not understanding and me, for letting him go because once you let go of someone, they are not the same when they come back - if they come back. So you have to be really sure if you really can afford to let go or fight, even if all hell broke lose. In my case, Stefan came back after a month. But he was changed. Completely changed. I can only wish that I could turn back time and didn't let him go or he shouldn't have returned. Yes, it would have been better than what happened after he came back. For that made my memories bitter.

A tear was trying to making its way out from my eyes as I opened them. My heart sighed, too deep and it hurt to breathe. Was I sleeping or was I awake? Was it a dream? The incident of our first fall-out never left me. Its been 6 months since it happened, yet it was as fresh in my mind as if it happened today. It was always torturing me and making me regret letting him go. Today, I let him go - forever.

Ah! I wanted to scream. My heart ached, really ached. It hurts so much and I feel like ripping my heart out of my chest. Maybe that would ease the pain but I know my hurt is taking me to the highest level of insanity, making me drown in the darkness that was slowly clouding my life.

I checked my watch. It was midnight. Stefan... He still must be awake. I felt like calling him but then I reminded myself that it's over.

"It's over". The truth of those words tormented me and tears came running down my cheeks again. I felt as if my heart was about to crack. I couldn't bear the pain. 

Things went on like that for days, weeks, and months. Many times I typed a text and then deleted it, dialed his number and disconnected before it went through. On one hand, I was making up my mind to move on so I was removing everything that could remind me of him. I gathered each of the gifts I got from him, all our pictures, cards, everything that could remind me of him. I was madly trying to wipe him out of my room; hoping maybe that would wipe him out of my heart, my memories, and maybe it will hurt less than it did. But on the other hand, there were days when I was waiting, hoping, and wishing he'd contact me and come back to me. It never happened. I kept fluctuating between the two for months until I had no other way but to accept reality.

Everyone came to know that we were over since we never met again. Caroline stood by me, trying to help me see reason and get me to move on in life. My family too, without questioning or saying a word, supported me. It still wasn't easy for me. I was completely shattered. I had to collect all the pieces of my heart, bring them together, and join into one - almost literally - but I couldn't do a thing for those scars that got etched on my heart because I got it broken badly. They remained the same.