"Hey. You okay?"

I snap out of my memories to face the man of my life. Yes, he is just not the love of my life, he is a little more than that. He is the man, the one I can always run to, no matter what happens.

I give him a smile, eyes desperately trying to hide the love I have.

Because we, him and I, are yet not ready for it.

"I should be the one to ask you this. When was the last time you came here?" I ask as I undo my seat belt, looking back at him to see him hesitate. I place my hand on his, which was kept on the wheel, despite us being in the parked car for more than a few minutes.

"I... The last time I came here, I was drunk out of my mind Lynnie. I had... They had confirmed that the body was yours and I had lost it. All I knew was, that one minute I heard the team say it was you and next I was lying here, smelling like alcohol and dirt."

He closes his eyes, throwing his head back as his other hand rubs his neck before going to play with his dog tags.

Unable to see him in pain because of me, I lean forward and hug him sideways. I keep my head on his shoulder, my arms stretching to wrap around him. We stay like this for some time, wrapping our head around and gathering strength from each other.

"Let's do this, Okay?"

"Okay."

The tree, the one signifying our friend and sister stood tall and separate from the others, the late evening sky favoring it as it sways gently with the wind. The water next to it creating ripples each time the wind parts a leaf from it and drops on its watery surface.

We both walk to it, with each holding white roses.

I had one, as per my tradition, while he held the number representing the exact days he has not been here.

Five hundred, eighty seven to be exact,

I stop a yard early, letting him go to her first. I see as he kneels down at the base of the wood that was once her favorite. After her demise, she had always wanted to be criminated, but we were not strong enough to spread her ashes. So we buried the urn in which she was, right amongst the roots of the tree she had loved. He places the bouquet down, between the old, dead roses before touching the stem with trembling hands, soon followed by his forehead.

I see his lips moving as he speaks, stopping a few times when emotions get too much for him to handle.

Minutes pass by, each brining us closer to the darkness of night as he struggles to speak words to convey what he has in his heart. Then he leans forward, planting a kiss on the bark, before taking a minute and then standing up.

He turns around me, giving me a small, sad smile and walks up to stand next to me, tilting his head to motion me to go ahead.

I heave a sigh, taking his hand that feels icy cold and giving it a squeeze before I mimic his previous actions and sit on my haunches, brushing of the dirt and nature from the rectangular wooden board that is slowly getting one with the bark of the stem and read over the words.

"I am Sarah Emily Carter, and if I have been with you in your life, even for a moment, then know that you must have been on the Nice list of Santa because not a lot of people get the privilege."

I let out a breathy laugh, my voice breaking as I recall the exact way she used to say this line.

Every time someone close to her felt down, or just not enough, she would say this with a flip of her hair along with a quirky smile and waggling of her eyebrows.

"I am so freaking sorry Sarah," I whisper, tears coming to my eyes, "I have been so stupid and selfish and god, so idiotic. I hurt the only man I have ever loved, I hurt your brother over something that I should've known. I should've trusted him. My insecurities, my doubts, my conclusions and my hatred. My decision. Man, was I always so... so petty? So ridiculous? So self-centred?"

A sob breaks me off and I breath in an attempt to cool down, "I broke your promise Sarah. I... I did exactly what I promised I would not do. i wish you were here, I wish you were here to stop me from following what that text told me to do. I wish you were here to stop me from jumping to conclusions, to stop me from making the idiotic decision of running away and leaving him to think of me as dead."

"Girl I can't even imagine what he must've been through. I had Chris to help me through. I had his close members, I had my freaking feelings and thoughts of his supposed betrayal. What did he have? The loneliness? The empty and cold walls of our home? How could I do that to him?"

"You must be so angry at me each time I came over to spew my sob story right? And why not? I... how will I ever heal the wound I gave him? Will he ever forgive me? Do I even deserve forgiveness, for doubting his love, our love, him and betraying him like that? I honestly don't know Sarah, but I am will to do everything to bring back the man I love the smile and happiness I snatched away. I promise to do that, no matter what."

I promise my sister, my best friend with determination coursing through my veins. Now, no matter what happens, no matter who is out to get me, I will tell him the truth.

I will clear each and every doubt and insecurities I must have built in him.

The ones that make him question his love, his actions and himself.

I will beg, I will cry and I will fight to bring him back to the shine he had. The light that he fights against. And if he still wants me in his life, be it as a friend or as an acquaintance, because who will want a girl back when they were forced to believe she died, but to find out she ran away after believing he had tried to kill her?

Isn't it fucked up?

A mess that is dark and twisted?

I get up after placing a kiss on the words of wisdom she always charmed us up with and walk upto him. He wraps his arm around me gently, something that warms my insides at the contrast of his strong and muscled arms being gentle with me, and we stand their together.

It is well into the night when we find ourselves sitting in the nearest 24*7 café style restaurants, sipping on our drinks as we wait for our food to come.

"Jay?"

He stops scrolling through whatever he has been looking at on his phone before he looks up at me humming for me to continue.

"I have some questions I want to ask... Uh... It's about after me uh...?

"After your apparent death?" He offers, as he keeps his cell face down. His tone coming out cold makes me flinch unconsciously at the bite.

I hesitate but nod, waiting for his tense body to give me a signal to continue before I ask him. "How... How did you cope up? What happened? To the traitor and to you and Michael and everyone?"

He takes a few moment to speak, his whole body still coiled as it goes back to what it had been like.

"I have no idea. All I know is you were supposed to be at home, safe and sound so we can go visit Sarah as we had planned. I was a little late so I decided to get you flowers while I bought Sarah's but when I reached home, I found you gone. I figured you must've left to visit Sarah, probably annoyed at me for being late again."

He pauses as our food arrives, the waitress giving us a small smile before leaving us alone.

"I... I went to wash up, knowing you will hate the sight of me covered in blood but I found your note that sai-"

His phone buzzed and it distracts him. He cuts himself off and picks up the call. He motions me to continue eating before talking to whoever was on call with him.

This continues for the whole time it takes us to eat. He cuts off the call after paying for the food, despite my protests of wanting to pay for it.

His exact words being "You already spend a lot of your money on food, save this and eat something again."

I am still not sure how to take him taking digs at my constant habit of eating, no matter how true it is. But soon enough I find myself following him to his sleek black car, sulking at his unfair remark.

I slide in and buckle up, expecting him to take a left to reach our town so it surprises me when he takes a right instead,

Confused, I look at him to see his concentration on the road, jaw clenched and grip tight on the wheel. For some reason, seeing him like this makes a flash of heat spread through me.

I shake of my thoughts that make me lose my head whenever it comes to this particular man, which proves to be difficult considering the recent kiss shared by us flashes through my head.

I feel my body heating up, like it had been doing since that night.

To distract myself I get back to the task that I turned to face him initially.

"Jay... The town is the opposite side."

Blue eyes glance my way once, before going back to the road, "I know."

I narrow my eyes at the brute next to me, well acquainted with his tendency of not giving straight answers until and unless he absolutely have to. "Come on boy. You can do better than that, give me something more solid."

"We are visiting one of my friends"

I almost snort at his reply, about to make a comment how he barely has any one I can count as his friend but I stop myself. It will be incredibly insensitive to do so. Considering he has only me and Michael as friends, that too with me being MIA for the past so many months.

I nod at him and rest my head on the window, looking at the blurring scenes that pass by for I don't know how much time, with the soft music filling the car. Soft music from a drive I had gifted him years back with a mix of songs from mine and Sarah's playlist.

Memories and nostalgia, and the overload of today's emotions lull me to sleep.

"Princess, get up."

His husky voice reaches my ear, waking me up from the dreamless sleep I had.

The first thing I see after waking up is his face, close to me. The light coming from outside lights up the inside of the car enough to see him clearly, along with the exhaustion that dulls his blue irises. He pushes himself back once he sees I am wake and slides out of the car.

I open the passenger door, finally taking in where here is, only to freeze in my seat as my breath halts and blood runs cold.