When Louis walked into the hospital, he's not really sure what to do. The only other time he'd been in a hospital, since he was an infant, was almost two years before, when his granddad had been sick. But then, he had come with his mum and hadn't paid much attention to anything other than his grandfather.

So Louis approached the desk quite hesitantly, standing silently until the lady looked up at him. "Can I help you?" Her friendly voice and warm smile made Louis feel a bit less nervous.

"Uhm, I'm looking for my mum-she's uhm... a patient here I think," Louis stuttered, looking intently at the wooden desk.

"What's her name, hun?"

"Jay-uh-Johannah Tomlinson."

The lady clicked on her computer for a moment before speaking, "Alright her room number is 315, just take the elevator over there to the third floor."

Louis nodded and hesitated before speaking again, "Would you be able to tell me more details about what's wrong with her? I've been away at uni so I don't know much."

The lady frowned at him, "Why don't you head up to the third floor and talk to one of the nurses there? They might be able to help you."

So Louis thanked her and headed for the elevator, checking his phone to see that Harry had sent him a smiley face and a heart.

When the elevators opened he approached the nurse's station and gave the women standing there a reserved smile. "Hi, I was wondering if I could get some info on Johannah Tomlinson?"

The lady looked at him over her glasses, "Can I get your name?"

"Oh, um, I'm Louis Tomlinson, her son?" Louis said shyly, the woman was making him nervous.

Except a smile immediately graced her face. "You're Louis?"

He nodded.

"Your mother talks about you all the time!"

And that was something. Louis wasn't sure what he was expecting but it definitely wasn't that.

"Um..."

"Are you here to see her?"

Louis nodded, "I was wondering if I could get more info on what's going on first? I've been off at uni so I'm sorta out of the loop."

The woman smiled softly at him, "I'm actually not allowed to disclose any information without permission from your mother. Maybe it'd be best for you to just hear everything from her anyway?"

Louis thought for a moment before nodding.

"Alright, can I take you to her room?"

Louis nodded again and followed the woman down the hall. They approached the corner room and Louis stood in the doorway as the nurse entered, after a moment, she came back out and beckoned Louis into the room.

When he entered, the first thing he noticed was how pale his mum looked. Louis had always thought that she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and even lying in a hospital bed, pale with greasy hair, he still thought the same way.

Louis couldn't help but notice the way that his mother's eyes lit up at the sight of him, something that gave him slightly more hope.

"Hi mum," He said quietly.

Jay immediately smiled, "Baby."

With just one word, tears were brought to Louis' eyes and he felt like a little boy again.

"Mummy," He whined, letting the tears slip from his eyes, "What happened?"

"Oh Lou," She replied, her voice quiet and raspy, "It's okay."

"It's not okay." Louis took a step closer. "Lottie said it's bad."

Jay smiled at him but nodded her head, "Lottie's right."

Louis looked around the room with tears still in his eyes and reluctantly took a seat on the chair beside the bed. He sat quietly, staring at the floor rather than at his mum. Although he could feel her gaze on him.

"I'm sorry, Louis," She said after a minute of silence. "I should've told you but... We weren't talking and-"

"We weren't talking because you kicked me out!" Louis interrupted.

Jay smiled weakly at him, "I'm sorry, Louis."

Louis let his head fall into his hands, "I just don't understand."

Louis felt his mum rest her hand on his arm, "I'm sorry."

"How could you kick me out and then just this, say you're sorry and you're dying and everythings supposed to be better all of a sudden? This doesn't mean anything to me!" Louis was angry, he felt like his whole world was falling even farther apart. It took everything in him not to cry.

"I'm sorry, Louis, I want us to talk this through," Jay explained.

"Why couldn't we have done this a year ago? When you kicked me out?"

Jay just shook her head, neither of them really knew what to say, what they wanted. Louis bit his lip and let his gaze move to the window which overlooked the parking lot. He thought of Harry and wished that he had told the boy to come inside with him. It was too late now.

"Just say what you want to say, mum, or I'm leaving."

"I want us to be okay, Louis. I miss you." She sounded sincere, she really did. But all Louis could think about was the boy waiting in the car and how Louis' mother had told him he didn't love him. Louis loved him with every single thing he had. And Louis thought about the way that his mother kicked him out while he sobbed and called her 'mummy' and she didn't even care.

But then Jay looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes. Louis had never seen his mother cry. She was the strongest person he had ever known and there she was, crying.

"I'm dying, Louis, and I don't want you to be mad at me when I do."

Louis tried to swallow back the lump in his throat but he felt like he was drowning. His arms were numb and his chest hurt and he really just wanted to go lie in Harry's arms, in Harry's bed, in Harry's house. But his mother was crying.

"You were the one that was mad at me," Louis whispered.

"I was never mad at you," Jay replied. She reached over to take Louis' hand in hers. "I just didn't understand."

"And you do now?"

Jay tilted her head to the side the slightest bit. "I'll be honest with you, Louis, I don't."

Louis sighed and pulled his hand out from her grasp. "I don't know what you want then, mum. I'm gay, I'm always going to be gay," Jay nodded but Louis didn't stop, "I'm in love with Harry and nothing is going to change that. If you can't accept that then I might as well leave now."

Louis stood up but paused to turn back to his mother.

"I don't understand but I don't care Louis. I love you, you're my son, my first born and you always will be. I don't care if you're gay, in love with a boy... I just want there to be peace between us before I go," She took in a shaky breath, "I need the air to be clear and I need you to know that I love you, no matter what."

Louis pressed his fingers into the corners of his eyes and sighed, "How long do you have?"

"Not long."

"What happens to the girls then?" They were and would always be Louis' number one priority.

"I think their father will take care of that."

"Mark? But he lives all the way up in Durham, how 'm I going to see them?"

Jay closed her eyes for just a moment too long, "It'll be okay, Louis. The best place for them is with their father."

"What about me? They're gone and you're gone and I'll be all alone." Of course there was Harry. Of course there was, but with his mum and sisters gone he would have no real family left.

"You'll be okay, Louis. Mark loves you and I know he will check in on you after... You can spend the holidays with them and I'm sure he'll drive them down to see you sometimes."

Louis shook his head, "How did this happen mum?"

"It's cancer, Louis, it's out of my control," Jay said softly.

"No," Louis replied, "How could you kick me out and hate me and now - and now you're letting the girls be taken from me, and - and you're leaving." Louis choked back a sob and walked to the door.

"Please don't leave, Louis. I want us to talk about this."

Louis took a shaky breath, "I just need a minute, I'll be right back."

And he shot out of the room.

---

Harry looked up to see Louis approaching the car. He looked upset and all Harry wanted to do was hug him. Louis opened the car door and sat down, not looking at Harry.

Harry knew better than to ask about it, he knew Louis would talk about it in his own time, so he just sat in silence, however he did bring a hand up to rest on Louis' shoulder. To let the boy know he was there.

And that worked. They knew each other well.

After a moment, Louis leaned into Harry's touch before turning to look at the boy with tears in his eyes.

"Okay?" Harry asked, although he knew the answer.

Louis shrugged.

"Come here?" Harry asked, motioning for the older boy to sit with him.

Louis nodded slightly and climbed awkwardly over the centre console before letting himself fall into Harry's arms. Louis pressed his face into Harry's neck while the younger boy wrapped his arms tightly around him.

"Talk about it?" Harry asked. He waited a moment but Louis made no movement so Harry just nodded lightly and began to hum a quiet tune while rubbing Louis' back.

They knew each other well, they knew what they needed and that was only the other.

--

im going out tonight but idk if its a date 

college is confusing and tiring and classes havent even started yet