O L I V I A    V A L E Z

I was sitting in the midst of nothing. I could feel my emotions breaking outside of my consciousness as I began to release my misery on those who had done this...me. It's me. I couldn't keep my pain from slipping, yet I didn't cry. I sat here entirely still as the gray clouds conquered the heavens. As much as I kept trying my best to numb the pain deep inside my heart, the azure took the crying instead. 

With my shaking cold hands, I pulled down the blinds of the airplane's window. I have remained flying for hours now, but I felt like sinking into the abyss of oblivion rather than feeling afloat. I was also staring blankly at the skies, not minding the people here. I felt like a dummy tossed inside this plane to be consigned somewhere far away. If I could only go somewhere far without making my family and friends worry, I would. But, I should not be selfish. This is my pain and should not involve others.

I heard the heavy fall of the rain on my plane's window. It was the exact sound that my heart created when it was in pain. That loud burst of heavy rain dropped wildly was the thing I kept repeatedly hearing for the past few years. Parang hindi nagsasawa 'yung puso kong paulit-ulit umiyak. Parang hindi napapagod ang mata kong lumuha nang paulit-ulit. Kailan ba 'to titigil?

Oo, hindi nga ako umiiyak ngayon, pero deep inside I know my soul wept nonstop. Simula noong iwan niya ko para sa totoong mahal niya. Simula pa lang noong iwan ko siyang nakahiga sa kamang iyon. Pero doon nga ba nagsimula lang lahat ng sakit na ito? Hindi ba ito nagsimula noong ma-realized kong gusto ko siya? Na kinalaunan ay mas tumindi at naging pagmamahal? Nakatatawang isipin na sinabi kong I would kept my feelings to myself, na never kong sasabihin 'yon kay Atlas.

But damn, look at me now. So fucking wrecked. 

Hangang sa huli hindi ko pa rin naman nasabi. Maybe, I was foolish. Foolish enough to make love with him before he marries somebody else. Make love? Talaga ba, Olivia? Baka para sa 'yo lang 'yon. Sa kaniya is a lang 'yong plain sex. He just fucked you like another whore in that club. 

I'm filthy. So fucking disgusting.

I stood up harshly, making the person seated beside me jump from her seat. My mind suddenly became more chaotic than before, kaya hindi ko na naisipang mag-sorry man lang sa ginawa ko. Ni hindi ko na nga inisip kung p'wede bang tumayo sa oras na ito. I just run towards the bathroom hurriedly, not minding everyone's eyes. Kahit ang iilang stewardess ay tinitignan ako nang may pagtataka at pag-aalala. 

I forcefully locked the bathroom door. Cold sweats started forming on my forehead, and my stomach created a swirling hole inside me. Nanginginig kong binuksan ang gripo at napasapo sa aking tiyan. Mas lalo naman akong nataranta at kinabahan nang may kumatok sa pintuan.

"Ma'am, are you okay? Do you need anything?" a woman's voice laced with worry asked me. She's probably one of the flight attendants here.

Hindi ko na siya nagawang sagutin nang maramdaman ko ang hindi magandang pakiramdam na parang paakyat sa aking lalamunan. I puked hard. I was grasping after vomiting everything that I could let out. I was gripping the sink hard enough to make my knuckles white. I looked at myself in the small  mirror place above the sink. My face was so pale and sweaty. My lips were bloodless and my eyes were weary and teary. 

"I look so fucking disgusting," I said weakly at myself.

Napapitlag ako nang may kumatok muli. 

"Ma'am, are you okay there?"

I closed my eyes and put my palm on my forehead tiredly, "Yes. Yes, I'm fine."

What a shitty lie.

I swiped my mouth using the back of my hand and looked at myself again. I started seeing something swirling in my face, and it was getting darker. You're disgusting. You're disgusting. You're disgusting. You're disgusting. You're disgusting. You're disgusting.

Agad akong napatakip ng buong mukha ko. I rubbed my face using my hands harshly, trying to get off the awful feeling I got as I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt tenser when the things I kept hearing wouldn't stop. I covered my ears using my hands. Napaupo ako sa sahig ng bathroom na ito nang hindi pa rin tumigil ang mga naririnig ko. Sinimulan kong mahinang paluin ang tainga ko, nagbabakasakaling sa pagpalo ay mawala iyon.

After spending god-knows-how on that cold floor of the bathroom hitting my ears, I decided to stand up again. With my weakened knees, I started brutally washing my hands and my face. Wala akong pinansin kahit isa nang lumabas na ako. Pagod at nanghihina akong bumalik muli sa aking upuan. All this pain and anxiousness was making me puke the guts out of me. 

Naka-iinis. Naka-iinis na wala akong magawa sa nararamdaman kong ito. Na after all these years, I remained pathetic. Atlas had the life he wanted with the woman he loved. While I, on the other hand, stayed to be this disgusting little shit. Wala na ba talaga akong ititira sa aking sarili?

Hangang sa makababa ako sa eroplano bitbit ang maliit kong bag, ay wala pa rin ako sa katinuan. Where should I go now? I didn't want to go home. Our home was full of memories of him. It was soffucating. Should I stayed here for hours? Dito sa airport? Hindi mas lalo lang akong magmumukhang kaawa-awa? 

Dumausdos sa aking nang hihinang kamay ang bag ko. I stared blanky at the people walking back and fort. Ang mundo ay patuloy na umiikot para sa kanila, pero sa akin parang huminto na yata. Ako lang ang nag-iisang nakatayo at nakatulala rito sa kawalan. Na parang kahit anong oras ay hindi na babalik ang kaluluwa ko pabalik sa akin. 

I woke up from this misery when my phone suddenly rang. I bent down and picked up my bag. I stared blankly at my ringing phone—Prim's calling. I didn't know what to feel. Should I feel happy that someone reached out to me? Na may humila sa akin pabalik sa mundong ito? Kung hindi siguro tumawag si Prim baka ilang oras akong tutulala habang nakatayo rito na parang tanga.

"Hello?" I said quietly.

"I could finally reach your phone after many hours, so I guess you're home."

Am I really home? They say that home is where the heart is, but it seems that I lost my heart. 

I remained silent for a while. Prim chuckled awkwardly to my silence. Kahit na malayo ang pagitan naming dalawa, at itong cellphone alng ang nagkokonekta sa amin, ramdam na ramdam ko ang kaba niya.

"I'm..." I gulped and closed my eyes, "I'm still at Manila International Airport."

"I see. Uhm, papasok ka ba? Or uuwi kana sa inyo?"

"I don't know."

I honestly don't know anymore.

I hear her sigh, "Saan mo ba gustong pumunta? I can keep you company. Dali-dali lang namang tumakas dito, and I don't want to take that damn quiz in accounting."

"M-May quiz ngayon?"

Parang biglang bumalik 'yung pakiramdam ko sa aking narinig. I may make stupid decision on my life, but not in my studies. Eto na lang kasi 'yung natitira para sa sarili ko. Eto na lang 'yung makapag-pro-proud sa akin. Eto na lang talaga, kaya hinding-hindi ko ito p'wedeng pabayaan.

Prim grunted, "Yes, kakainis nga, e! Biglang suprise quiz. Okay lang sana kung minor lang, kaso accounting 'to! Accounting! Mabuti na lang at nasabi sa akin ng kakilala ko sa kabilang section, kaya na laman ko na agad." 

"Papunta na ako d'yan. Hindi ako p'wedeng walang quiz."

Mamaya na 'tong broken hearted ko. Mamaya na. Kung katulad lang ito ng isang video games na p'wede kong i-pause muna lahat, ginawa ko na. Baka nga ni-reset ko pa, e. P'wede ko bang i-reset 'tong buhay na 'to? Tapos bawi na lang ako next life? Kaso baka tanga pa rin ako next life, e. 

Agad akong nagtatakbo papunta sa mga nakapilang taxi sa labas ng MIA. Hindi na ako nagpasundo sa driver namin. Ang paalam ko kasi ay mag-o-overnight ako ng ilang araw kila Prim dahil may thesis kaming gagawin. Parang gusto ko nang sabihin kay kuya driver na paliparin na nag taxi niya nang makaabot ako sa pa surprise quiz ni sir. Mabuti na lamang at may dalawang oras pa bago ang accounting subject namin. 

Sinilip ko ang aking sarili sa rear-view mirror. Kitang-kita ang pagod sa aking mga mata. Malamang pati ang buong mukha ko ay mukha nang haggard. Pupunta ako sa school na ganito ang ayos, pero may bago ba? Noong mga panahon na lang akong dinadalaw ng aking mga bangungot, lagi rin naman akong pumapasok ng mukhang pagod. Mabuti na lang din at maayos ang suot kong damit ngayon. Kaya sigurado akong papasukin ng guard na parang principal sa sungit.

Nakapapanibago na hindi ako na traffic ngayon. Siguro naawa na sa akin ang dyos. parang sobra-sobra naman na kung broken hearted na nga ako, tapos maalis pa ako sa dean list. Mayroon pa akong thirty minutes bago magklase nang makarating ako sa university. Habang nagmamadali akong naglalakad sa corridor pa punta sa aming room nang makasalubong ko si Prim. Agad na namilog ang mga mata nito kaya lalong lumitaw ang pagka-green nito. Bahagya ring umawang ang bibig niya.

"Seryoso ka pa lang papasok?"

"Of course. " hinihingal kong sabi. 

Pinasadahan niya akong nang tingin mula ulo hangang paa, "I don't think you are in the right condition to take that dam quiz, Oly. H'wag mong pagurin ang sarili mo."

"I'll be more miserable if I have a missing quiz, Prim."

"Studious mo naman masyado."

Lumapit siya sa akin at kinuha ang may kabigatan kong bag. Inakbayan niya ako at hinili kung saan. Nagpatinuod na lang ako sa kaniya tutal ay medyo marami pa namang oras bago mag-start ang klase. Dinala niya ako sa library. Tinanguan niya lang sa librarian desk si Persia na siynag ngumiti lang sa amin. Pumwesto kami sa lagi naming inuupuan, at sa ganitong oras ay halos walang tao ngayon sa library.

Ibinagsak niya sa table ang bag ko na siyang lumikha nang malakas na tunog. Agad akong napalingon sa librarian desk, pero hindi naman kami pinansin. Ang lakas talaga nitong ni Prim. Hinawakan niya ang dalawa kong balikat, at tinulak ako pababa sa upuan. Hindi ni Prim binitawan ang pagkahahawak sa aking balikat kahit nakaupo na ako.

She looked at me intently, then it suddenly softened. "Kanina ko pa talagang gustong kamustahin ka, but I know you are not okay. I don't need to ask you if you're okay because all I need to do is look at you."

Akala ko kanina ay hindi na niya ako tatanungin. Akala ko she would let me sit to this pain. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o hindi. I'm not sure if I would like to open up, or shre it to someone. 

Bumuntong hininga si Prim, "I don't want to make the same mistake, Oly. Hinintay kitang magkwento noon about sa nangyari, but it took you years, and it ate you up. I don't want that to happen again."

When the first tear managed to escape, the others followed in an unending stream. I knelt down where I sat on the chair and broke down in tears with the ferocity of someone vomiting on all force. Prim hugged me as I cried my eyes out. I cried all the pain deep-rooted in my heart. I could feel the sorrow pumping in my heart and to my veins. 

"I-I'm so sorry," I said as I almost choked on my tears.

"It's okay, Oly. Why are you even apologizing to me? You don't need to do that." Prim said gently.

"Y-You helped me b-but I wasn't able to t-tell him. You helped me with my problem, but I didn't do my part. Your effort was wasted because of m-me."

"I helped you because I wanted to. Hindi naman ibig sabihin na tinulungan kita ay mangyayari talaga 'yung gusto nating mangyari, Oly. Don't be too hard on yourself."

"B-But... I should have told him my feelings. You told me to say my feelings for me to be able to let go. Ayon na nga lang gagawin ko, hindi ko pa n-nagawa. You even supported me kahit hindi naman d-dapat." my shoulder shook more as I cred harder.

All the memories came crashing down on me. I remember how Atlas asked me if I was okay after we did it. He even asked me if I wanted medicine as I lay on the bed naked with a bed sheet entangled on me. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I wanted to ask him if that medicine would be effective on emotional pain and not just physically. I even had the time to remove my mask and reveal myself and confess my feelings. But I did nothing. I only stared at him as his lips moved when he talked. I only watched him as he picked up the clothes scattered on the floor. 

I wanted to tell him to stop the wedding and love me instead, but I kept my mouth tightly shut. Atlas even gave me a friendly smile when I didn't respond to any of his questions. Akala ko nga iiwan na niya ako nang lumabas siya sa kwartong iyon, but he came back with a hot milk on his hands. I almost cry again because of his thoughtfulness. I forgot for a moment na hindi niya ako kilala. Akala ko he was that caring because I was Olivia Valez, but reality slapped me hard on the face and told me I was the masked whore he fucked. He was only caring because I lost my virginity to him. 

Naalala ko pa rin kung paano ako nagpanggap na tulog, pagkatapos kong inumin ang gatas na ibinigay niya. Ninamnam ko rin ang pakiramdam na makatabi siya sa pagtulog. We didn't cuddle or did something intimate. We weren't lovers to do that. Basta tumabi lang siya sa akin at natulog na. Hindi rin siya nagtanong kung bakit ako matutulog nang may maskara. He let me rest and let me felt comfortable with my hidden identity.

Nagulat pa nga ako nang hawakan niya ang iilang hibla ng aking buhok habang nakapikit.

He smelled my hair and said, "You smell so good, like fresh flowers on a spring day. Peony... you smell like a peony."

Pagkatapos niyang sabihin 'yon, ay hindi rin nagtagal ay nakatulog siya sa aking tabi habang hawak-hawak ang iilang strand ng buhok ko. Maingat akong umalis sa tabi niya, pero hindi naging madali para sa akin na iwan siya roon. Tuwing titignan ko siyang mahimbing na natutulog sa kama, ay parang hinahatak ako parang muling tabihan siya roon. Umabot din ng isang oras na panonood sa kaniyang matulog bago ko napagdesisyunang tuluyan ng umalis.

Prim swiped my tears using her thumb, "Saying our feelings out loud was so fucking hard, Oly. It takes a lot of courage, and sometimes it takes everything before we can say it. The mere fact that you dare to go there was already a huge thing."

"Hindi ko alam, pero natakot ako. Natakot ako sa p'wede niyang maging reaction kung sakaling sabihin ko 'yon. What if he thought taht I was trying to wreck their relationship? What if he thought that I was too stupid for falling inlove with him? It killed me thinking of all those things."

She sighs, "It's totally normal to think about the what-ifs. Hindi naman kasi talaga natin maiiwasan 'yon. It's just that we need to stop thinking about it to avoid having regrets. At saka, baka kaya hindi mo nasabi dahil gano'n talaga nakatadhana sa 'yo? Ikakasal na rin naman siya, e. Tara shot na lang." 

Kahit na iiyak pa, hindi ko napigilang hindi matawa sa sinabi ni Prim. Pabiro ko siyang pinalo sa braso at napangiti. My friends never failed to make me feel lighter. They are my angels. Bigla kaming napatigil sa pagbibiruan nang mapatingin ako sa orasan na nakasabit sa wall. Agad akong napatayo nang makitang seven minutes na lang ay magsisimula na ang klase namin.

"Fuck! Mag accounting na."

Muli akong naluha nang maalalang hindi ako makasasagot sa quiz. 'Pag kasi hindi ka nag-aral sa accounting ay wala ka talagang maisasagot. 

"B-Bakit na iiyak kana naman d'yan?" takang tanong ni Prim sa akin.

"W-Wala akong alam..."

"Gago, akala ko naman kung ano. Hindi ka naman nag-iisa 'no! Wala rin akong alam."

"Ayaw kong mawala sa dean list."

"Sabi noong sa kabilang section theory lang naman daw quiz."

"Kahit na,"

Napakamot na lamang si Prim ng kaniyang ulo habang nakatingin sa akin. May kinuha siyang pentel pen sa kaniyang bag, at hinila ako sa pinakadulong shelf.

"Lift your skirt." seryosong sabi niya sabay luhod sa harapn ko.

Agad naman akong nataranta dahil sa sinabi niya, "H-Huh?! Bakit ka lumuluhod?"

Nagtaas siya ng kilay sa akin, "Anong pinag-iisip mo d'yan? Dumi ng utak mo, ha. I'm doing a strategy for you to be able to answer the quiz."

Naglabas siya ng papel mula sa kaniyang bulsa sabay sabi ng, "Answer key," then, she smirked at me.

"Bakit mayroon ka niyan?" kabado kong tanong

"Because I'm brilliant?" she smirked at me again.

Prim lifted my skirt and started right there using the pentel pen she had brought. 

"This is bad, Prim." 

"I'm good at being bad, Oly." nagpatuloy lang siya sa ginagawa niya. Nang matapos ay mayroong satisfied na ngiti sa kaniyang labi, "Just lift your skirt ofr the answer. 'Pag na huli ka hindi naman nila p'wedeng ipaangat 'yang skirt mo, because that would be sexual harrasment."

O, my god! I never cheated in my whole life. Tapos ang unang beses ko pang gagawin ito ay sa ganitong paraan pa. Jusko ko pa talaga! 

Kabado ko lamang tinignan si Prim, but she just gave me a devilish smirk. Lumapit siya sa akin. Kinuha niya ang iilang hibla sa king buhok at inilagay iyon sa likod ng aking tainga.

"Olivia, sometimes in life, you need to be wicked so that life won't fuck you over and over."

At this moment, I know I need to change myself. I could hear my mask cracking, and my wicked side started slipping away.

~TBC~

I was planning on having a double update, but my school works kept pilling up! Anyway, hinabaan ko na lang 'to para makabawi sa inyo. If you guys are of legal age, kindly register, and let's do our responsibility as Filipino citizens. Let's make a change for our country.

Please, bear with the errors. This is the first draft.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots! :>>