Type: Angst
Characters: Philza, Tommyinnit, Tubbo, Wilbur
Words: 2616
Summary:

They visit.

Also on my ao3/tumblr: C4pricornC4ts

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The first month of living with Tubbo had its ups and downs. The boy quickly took to farming, starting several beehives in the unused field Philza had by the house. The boy had an affinity for gardening and had been slowly filling their house with indoor plants. Philza didn’t mind. After what they’ve been through a little color was always welcome.

Tubbo didn’t take the plants dying very well however. He’d look to Philza and ask what he did wrong, to which Philza would respond by gently guiding him to the nearest seat and telling him he did everything he could.

He loved to tag along and help Philza run their part of the markets. People took to the boy’s excitable personality quickly and before long he was being invited to events with other children. (Most were politely declined, Philza really didn’t like leaving him alone.) He went to school and was learning to read and write and all the things war did not.

To their town, Tubbo was another one of Philza’s chaotic adoptees. Extraverted and happy to talk for hours about his bees with anyone who’d listen. No one really questioned where he came from, and Tubbo was happy to avoid it.

The trouble came when they were home alone. Something as small as a pen drop sent the boy into a panic. Sometimes he’d attack Philza, forgetting where he was for a moment, then the second he’s calm enough to know he’s apologizing and sobbing while Philza forgives him over and over while holding him for hours. Other times he’d just hide. The boy would hide in the strangest places when he was scared and Philza was going gray from the heart attacks he gets when he turns the corner to see a teenage boy staring at him from on top of the fridge.

Neither of them talked about any of this, not even when it’s three am and Philza is stripping the teen’s bed sheets while Tubbo would dry heave in the bathroom after a bad nightmare.

The night before their first and hopefully not last visit to L’manberg is sleepless. Philza is startled by his bedroom door being thrown open, slamming into the wall so harshly he knew he’d need some paint later. Just as quickly as it’s open, Philza watches Tubbo throw his back against the door like he’s trying to keep something out.

Philza puts on his glasses and blinks until the scene was completely in focus. Tubbo looked exhausted. He’s breathing heavily, staring at nothing in particular as if he doesn’t know the other was in the room yet. “Tubbo what’s going on?”

He gets out of bed, grabbing his sword just in case there really was something outside. But judging by the lack of noise from anyone but Tubbo, he assumed this was the cause of a nightmare.

“Wilbur, h-he was he was gonna-” Tubbo stops abruptly when he processes that Philza was there.

He puts down the sword, and his heart drops. Philza begins to wonder just how much damage his oldest had caused. “Wilbur’s gone, he can’t hurt you anymore Tubbo. I wouldn’t let him anyways.”

“What about Tommy?” He leans forward, easing off the door but still not getting up.

“He can’t hurt Tommy anymore either. No one can.” He finds his way over to the door in the moonlight and leans against it. Albeit a little more casually than Tubbo was.

Tubbo looks at him, and Philza can see how pained he was. The circles under his eyes were dark, and his face was concerningly pale. He places the back of his hand on Tubbo’s forehead, checking for a fever.

He draws his hand away and sighs in relief that he felt normal. So it wasn’t a fever hallucination. Just a painfully realistic nightmare. Philza could handle that. No doctors needed.

“It feels so real.” The brunette sobs out. Philza opens his arms, an invitation that Tubbo quickly accepted.

“You’re alright Bee.” He decides to guide Tubbo to his bed, his legs already hurting from sitting on the floor. It takes a minute to make the move, since the boy refused to separate from Philza even for a second.

“I know they’re gone. I saw them die. I saw dad die too.” He whispers once they’ve settled on the edge of the bed. “It just feels so real. I miss Tommy. I miss Wilbur too.”

“I’m so sorry Tubbo.” He hopes it’s the right thing to say. Even after raising three kids, he has no idea what to do right now besides hold him tighter. He really hopes it’s enough.

“We’re visiting tomorrow. Shit.” The boy curses, then he freezes and looks up to Philza long enough to stutter out a quick “Sorry.”

Philza laughs. “I think you should be allowed to swear about this.” Tubbo takes a deep breath, sighing it out and trilling his lips.

“I even miss my dad. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is, no matter what terrible things he did he’s still your dad.”

“He was a good guy. The power got to him, Philza. He didn’t even remember me most of the time. I felt like I had already lost my dad and then I saw him die again and it-it just really, really hurts.” Philza cards his hand through Tubbo’s tangled hair. Stopping at the ends to gently pull them apart.

“You know, before the war Wilbur and Schlatt were good friends. I considered Schlatt one of my own boys with how often he was over here.” Tubbo looks up at him, tentatively wanting to know more about his father’s past.

“Everyone in L’manberg will celebrate the deaths of our family. But we remember who they were. And that’s who we mourn.”

“Philza please never become president. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. You won’t lose me. You’ve lost enough.” His voice falters at the end, his eyes clouding with tears. He started to see why Techno goes to such lengths to prevent order. Power changed people.

“What was my dad like as a kid?” Tubbo mumbles tiredly, closing his eyes and relaxing in Philza’s hold.

“He was snarky and loud and confident but he cared about everyone deep down. He was inconsolable when Wilbur fell in a frozen lake. No matter how many times I promised him Wil just needed to warm up.”

The winged man keeps talking about Wilbur and Schlatt long after Tubbo’s breathing evened out. Only stopping when he’s too choked up to continue. He lies Tubbo on the pillow next to his and tucks him in. There’s tear tracks down both of their faces and Philza considers postponing their trip another day.

Maybe the closure would help Tubbo sleep at night. Philza can only hope it will.

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“Philza? We need to go before everyone in L’manberg wakes up too.” Philza wakes up to a blurred Tubbo leaning over him, already dressed and ready for the day.

They get ready for the trip, Philza making breakfast while Tubbo does all the morning farm work. It’s cold outside and by the darkened clouds, it’s only getting colder. He wraps Tubbo in a warm coat only slightly too big on him and they grab their bags.

They visit the tree first, Tubbo says a eulogy for each of them, holding the paper he had written it on with shaking hands. Philza wrapped an arm around his shoulder, worried he’d collapse.

The boy finishes with a heavy sigh and looks up at Philza. Offering him a chance to speak. His mouth feels dry, he really didn’t want to say anything because nothing he’d ever say would be enough. No matter how much he stared at the paper where he was to write eulogies, he never found the words.

“I love you.” That’s all he wrote. It’s all he could say.

Schlatt’s grave is much different. There’s photos of him littering the area, Philza pulls Tubbo towards him and takes down the ones where his father’s face is torn out. The people can be angry, but Tubbo was hurting enough.

Tubbo turns around, staying close to Philza and looking up at the mural of his father. His expression is unreadable as he keeps staring.

“They hated him.”

“They did.”

“And yet, they made a mural of him, they gathered for his funeral.” The brunette tilts his head, heavily confused.

“People are given more respect when they die.”

“Why? Do they remember who he was? Did they care?”

“Maybe they always cared, just deep down.” He doubts it’s true, not many people in L’manberg were known to hide their emotions. If they had loved Schlatt, they’d say it. But it’s what Tubbo needs to hear. It’s what Philza wants to tell him.

They stand together, Philza stays.