Fearless - Kat Leon

My mom was standing on the porch, holding onto my arm and staring at me with pleading eyes. They begged me to fess up, to come clean. To tell the truth.

Yet the words remained stuck, swirling in my head but not voiced out loud.

"Tell me what happened. We used to be able to talk to each other and now you barely tell me anything? Syd, I'm your mom, I only want to help you."

I brushed past her and walked into the house with mom close on my heels. "Don't walk away from me!"

Mom slammed the door shut and I turned around to face her. It felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. There was so much I wanted to say but the words wouldn't come.

I wanted to tell her how much it hurts. How much the guilt crippled me. How everytime I looked in the mirrior, all I saw was a monster. I wanted to scream all of it until my lungs bled but I couldn't.

"Mom, do you honestly think I could hurt someone?" I asked.

Mom frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "Syd, I don't what to think anymore. You're connected to a man wanted for murder, your friend is missing, and you're still not telling the truth.

"Because I can't!" I shouted back. "If I tell the truth, people will get hurt. People, I care about."

"You are not alone in this, Honey. I'm here just talk to me."

I gave a cynical laugh. "You have no idea how wrong you are." 

Mom threw her hands up. "Then what do you want from me, Syd? Do you want me to pretend that the police are not questioning you for murder? Do you want me to turn a blind eye to the sneaking out and the lying? Well, I'm sorry but I can't do that."

"I want you to trust me!" I let out a long breath while tears were beating behind my eyes. "I need you to trust me, Mom."

Mom pursed her lips together and shook her head. "I don't know if I can do that. I barely even recognize you anymore."

Her words sucked out the air in my lungs. If my own mother couldn't even trust me then, what did I have left?

I slowly nodded my head. "Then I don't think you can help me."

Perhaps I was just a monster and perhaps, it was time to start acting like one. The rage coiled around my body like an old friend. Hunger pulled deep within me. But, instead of being revolted by it, I embraced it.

After all, you could only keep a wild animal in a corner for so long, before it attacked you.

I turned away from my mom and walked up the stairs. With each step I took, the hatred inside me grew until I thought it would consume me. My whole life was thrown out of balance. I did things I would never be able to forgive myself for. I lost the only person who knew me and accepted me. Most of all, I was turned into a monster.

Forced to lie to the people I loved, to use my friends, and to do things that kept me up at night. I could feel the monster stiring inside. For so long it felt like a different entity but as my anger mixed with hers, we became one.

And there was only one thing we wanted. For once, it felt like I was in sync with that part of me.

Inside my room, I grabbed my backpack and chucked out all of my school books. I packed a few changes of clothes, a flashlight, and all the babysitting money I had saved up for college books.

I made sure to tuck in some soap, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. It didn't take long for my hatred to evaporate, leaving me with only sadness. I knew leaving was for the best but a part of me wished I didn't have to.

I wanted to say goodbye to my mom, tell her I still loved her and that I was doing this to keep her safe. To keep everyone safe and to save Noah.

Be angry.

Those words chased the pain away. I grabbed onto them like a lifeline. As if it was the only thing that stopped me from drowning.

I sat in my room for rest of the day. Mom came by once to tell me dinner was ready but I didn't go down. It wasn't that I wasn't hungry, I was. I could go to the woods and just let loose.

But my hunger was of a different kind, one that wouldn't be sated by chasing down deer in the woods. So, I just sat there, while the monster sharpened her grangly nails and waited. My time would come and they would be damn near sorry that they ever crossed that line.

The sun dipped and the air turned colder. I pulled the burner phone from my pocket and sent Peter a text, telling him I was ready. He would wait for me at the edge of the woods that bordered on our property.

All I had to do was wait for his reply. When the phone finally beeped, I shot from the bed and tossed the bag over my shoulder. I climbed out of the window and down the vines. On the ground, I peeked inside the living room window. Mom was sitting on the couch with her cellphone pressed to her ear. She looked worn and stressed.

My eyes drifted to the dark woods at the end of the lawn. I knew what I had to do but that didn't make it any easier.

I took one final glance at my mom before sprinting across the lawn. When I reached the trees, I looked back to see if mom had noticed me. There was no movement beyond the window, so I let go of the breath I'd been holding.

"Syd, over here."

My eyes blazed as they scanned the trees before landing on a terrified Peter. "Mind putting away the glowing eyes? They're kind of freaky."

I rolled my eye. "It helps me see better. Besides, if we use flashlights my mom will see them. Stay close behind me."

I started walking and Peter followed. I made sure to keep him right behind me because when I walked away from Noah, he almost got eaten.

My heart ached at the thought of him. These past few days everything seemed to remind me of Noah.

"Can I say something, or are you going to try and kick my ass again?"

I smirked. "I didn't try anything. If I remember correctly, I did kick your ass."

Peter took a hold of my arm and I stopped walking. "Syd, I'm serious. You're so angry and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I mean you've been like the frigging ice queen after Noah."

I sighed. "I'm fine, Peter."

"That's just it. You're not and you're not fooling anyone."

I felt that same hum start in my blood. The one that warned me of my anger. Ever since that night, I've been keeping it close because it was my safety net but I didn't want to hurt one of my friends.

"Come on, Syd. You don't have to pretend with me."

"I'm not pretending. All I want to do, is help Noah and get back to my life."

"If you say so."

I kept quiet after that. I hated that Peter could see right through me. I didn't feel like talking to him about how much I missed Noah or how hard I was taking losing him. I didn't want to embrace that heartache because I didn't accept it. I couldn't.

Peter and I kept walking in silence. The night air was freezing. Our breaths came out as white fog clouds in front of us. I heard animals stirring and wondered if I should hunt while we were out here. That idea, however, was squashed in an instant.

There was no time for that. We had to get to the school, get the journal, and get the hell out of town.

"My car is just beyond these trees," Peter said pointing towards a thick row of dark trees.

I knew what was on the other side. Wickery Road. It made sense for Peter to park on the most secluded part of town, away from prying eyes. After all, he was wanted and what we were doing was illegal.

We cleared the trees and stepped onto the broken road. I used to think Wickery Road was beautiful in a forgotten world kind of way. Now I just thought is was fogotten, swept away by the society built around it.

Then again, maybe it wasn't the road that changed at all, maybe it was me. In less than four months, I'm a completely different person.

Just beyond the trees stood the ugly ice cream truck we stole from Biotech. "We're driving in that thing?"

"Oh you wanted the black Mustang instead?" Peter laughed. "Syd, we'd be pulled over before we even made it to the middle of town. This is inconspicuous."

"So what about the chains bolted in the back? That's not conspicuous?"

Peter shook his head before sighing. "Just get in."

I laughed and got into the truck before Peter slamned the drivers door shut. Within minutes, we were driving around the back roads of Brookfield, making sure to keep away from busier roads.

A little later we pulled into the school's parking lot and I scanned the area for any cars. There wasn't any, so I hopped out and Peter followed.

Both of us kept quiet and I couldn't help but think of how different it would be if Noah was here. The thought brought a smile to my lips. He would talk non stop and tell me hownbad of an idea this was. Then he'd tell me that we were going to end up in jail.

"Why are you smiling?"

My eyes snapped up to meet Peter's gaze. He was staring intently at me and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Nothing, it's just if Noah were here, the sittuation would be a whole lot different."

Peter nodded his head. "You're right. If Noah was here we wouldn't be." Then he tuned back to the school. "So, how do want to do this?"

I turned back to the building before placing my hands on my hips. "Right. I think we should go in at the back and through the cafeteria. My locker is at the end of the hallway, so we can get to it easier that way."

Peter gave a stiff nod and started walking around the building to the back. I quietly followed along with my heart hammering in my chest. When we got to the small courtyard outside the cafeteria we found the doors locked.

Peter moved out of the way and pointed his hand at the door. "The honor is all yours."

I rolled my eyes. "Just because you can't break it. Do we have to be violent about it?"

"I don't see you flaunting any lock picking skills. So, unless you're hiding them, please just get the door open."

I scoffed but stepped forward anyway. He was right though and boy did I hate it. I grabbed a hold of the handle and janked back as hard as I could. The door cracked and the handle sprung loose.

Stunned, I turned to Peter with the handle still in my hand.

"Then she says, I'm violent," Peter laughed.

"Just shut up."

Peter pushed the door open and it creaked loudly. "Are you ready for this?"

I shook my head but stepped forward anyway. "Not really, no."