I think I'm pregnant.

Ya heard it well and I'm tellin' you people right now that I am pregnant with Lucian's babe.

He won't have any way out of this. I don't care if I sounded like a desperate and manipulative ex-girlfriend who would do anythin' as to keep her man in her vile and greedy clutches. I was gonna use this product of constipation to keep Lucian from leavin' me. He gotta support me in this! He can't just shove his dick inside of me and replace my virginity with his man chowder. How was I gonna raise this Dan Hastings properly without the supreme guidance of my other half? It was just impossible I tell ya.

"Return me to my parents. I demand it," Lucian repeated for the hundredth time. He was like a broken tape recorder.

And the only difference was: He was a super hot broken tape recorder.

"And what makes you think that I'm gonna comply with your request? You should remember that you're the one who's hanging there like a spider monkey," I pointed out smugly and unwrapped my arms around him to emphasize my point.

The blonde tightened the knot of his legs and arms around me and I hid a snicker.

What?

I wasn't bullyin' him.

I didn't bring him here to get bullied by yours truly. Nah man I ain't that sinister. I mean haha, who was I to be a malevolent bitch? I only lived in hell for the last 6,000 years. It was just impossible for me to adapt to the people's riotous, foul-playing, cunning, shameless, unholy and heinous behaviors. I was a grown demon who knew his holy and righteous responsibilities.

But even if I knew those responsibilities who told you that I'll implement them? Rules were meant to be broken and burnt into ashes.

The others agreed that I take Lucian here in hell just until his memories came back. They say it was much safer here compared to the mortal realm and definitely more secure than the chicken coop if ya know what I mean.

Actually, ya know what? They didn't agree 100% Sure they were all fightin' and squabblin' because they wanted Lucian to fall in love all over them first but those bitches know that Lucian had a crush on me at first glance. So while they were arguin' I took the sleepin' Lucian from under a table and warped the both of us here in Satan's big ol' castle. So yeah, the 5 other idiots didn't agree with my own decision of takin' Lucian here. I don't even know why Luscev had a say in this. He was just our mutant son who was a King of an Island that was composed of creatures that can overrule the U.S. Army.

But never mind that, I see that the Traitor didn't take down my portraits even when I finally retired. Satan must've had some guilt after what he did.

"Is this the 200th portrait?"

I saw two demonic Jackalopes in front of us who were takin' down MY best selfies in this floor. I frowned at the two Easter Rabbits and suavely strode towards them, keepin' Lucian secured against my body with one arm and grabbin' the two egg lovers by their long ears and raisin' them up to level my face. They weren't that heavy. They only stood at the height of at least 5 feet so it was easy for me to lift them like a bag of feathers.

If you people haven't seen rabbits lay eggs before, now was the best time to take a picture and place them in your instagram stories.

"Lord Samael!" one of the two shrieked and the both of them gave birth to multiple and colorful eggs.

Yeah, they shit those Easter eggs; wash your hands before eatin' kids.

"Who told you to take down those portraits?" I asked them. I can feel their bodies tremble. Hey, I wasn't scarin' them. I was even smilin' at them. It wasn't like my tail was swishin' behind me with my fangs startin' to grow. "Have I mentioned that I haven't tried roasted rabbits before? Maybe I should hunt for two."

The rabbits immediately covered their eyes in fear. I noticed that they were wearin' the servant's vest. Satan must have changed his rough lookin' butlers and maids to milder lookin' and adorable creatures for Keetan's sake.

"Lord Sa-Satan has ordered us to do so. He-He was pla-planning to fill the ca-castle with Lord Keetan's pictures."

I wasn't hurt that they were gonna take down my selfies. I just like playin' around with the innocent. It was a trait that I inherited from someone who was equally merciless.

"Well tell Lordy Satan that he has to pay a fee of $1, 000, 000, 000 worth of diamonds before he can take those down," I ordered and dropped the two veggie munchin' critters on the floor.

The two rabbits nodded their heads and immediately hopped away. And while they did scramble away from me, I noticed that Lucian was starin' at them with curiosity on his expression. He had his eyes furrowed slightly and when he noticed my stare, his face hastily returned back to its usual expressionless face.

Oh yeah, my bae liked animals. I should wear a black panda suit next time.

"I see you're back to tyrannize hell again," someone stated from the back.

Damn it, I was plannin' to lay low and not to get noticed.

"You're fast, I didn't figure that someone can sense my presence," I replied while turnin' around.

Cain stood in front of us with his arms crossed across his chest. "The entire Pit knows that you're back again. The stereos that you scattered all over the streets and all over the castle automatically turned on and blasted everyone's eardrums off. I was fortunate that I took down those devices from this floor."

Oof I forgot about those. Hey, they gotta remember who ruled them first right?

"Tsk, you're such a killjoy. How will ya get laid at that state? Oh yeah, you fucked with your bro," I snickered.

Cain sighed and unfolded his arms to his side. He was wearing a black hooded cape that signified the role of the Reaper. He didn't have a scythe like I did. He protested that if Satan was gonna give him a special weapon, it might as well be a whip.

Oooh Kinky.

I don't mind his hate for old fashion just as long as Francis the Grim Skeleton didn't take the position.

"Who's that kid?" he questioned. He was referring to Lucian. "I would assume that that's your precious Lucian since no one gets that close to you to even live another day."

I smirked. "You're sharp-thinker."

"You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. Please return me while it is early. You're punishment will be reduced to a quarter if you do," Lucian deadpanned.

I raised a perfectly outlined brow at him. If Cain wasn't here, I would be erasin' the "word" purity in this blonde's mind and even delete the very thought of it in this hallway. And if I didn't adore Lucian so much, I would be doin' things that would traumatize him for the rest of his life but since I do adore Lucian than anyone and anythin' in the world, Daddy Sammy here is gonna be patient and responsible and all that shit.

"I didn't come here just to greet you. Satan told me to get you. He had something to say," Cain spoke.

"Is he gonna apologize?" I questioned.

The man looked up in thought. "Uh...I don't think he can ever do that especially to you."

I huffed in fake annoyance and thought of a bright idea to annoy Cain for a day. I can trust Lucian with him. Even though he appeared like a man who just got out of a war and got divorced thrice, he was a capable man of handlin' annoyin' shits.

But this one was an adorable annoyin' shit.

In a span of 1 second, I successfully detached Lucian off my body without him even noticin' and in a span of 2 seconds I victoriously positioned Cain in a carryin' position and with Lucian in his arms.

"Take care of Lucian for me will ya? He can be a really handful but I'm sure you can handle it when you've dealt with Keetan's Lordy Bullshit every day."

Shock overruled Cain's expression and Lucian was equally startled in this position as well. I blew a flyin' kiss to my bae and waved at him. "I'll come back for you. Don't annoy Cain into sterility now. He still needs to spread his demonic seeds across Earth."

"Samael, what the heck is this?" Cain questioned.

"Samael!" Lucian complained. "He is filthy!"

"What do you mean filthy? Do you want me to scrub your ass with a cleansing acid?!"

I left the two alone and quickly warped myself in Satan's office. I trust Cain with Lucian's life. Even with the height of annoyance that Lucian was gonna push him in, I know that Cain wouldn't do anythin' that would hurt Lucian.

Because he very well knew what would happen to him and his brother if he did that.

I stood in front of Lucifer's desk and found the man readin' Hell's Daily News. The front cover of the newspaper was makin' fun of some Christian religion. I cleared my throat and then moved a chair for it to directly face the desk. I plopped my ass down and placed my feet on the table.

"So whatchu call me for? I gotta babysit Lucian. I don't think Cain's sanity can last for 5 minutes."

"Knowing you, Cain losing his sanity is your purpose for leaving Lucian with him. Spare me the lies," the ruler of hell retorted.

I let out a "hmph" and crossed my arms over my bare chest. Lucifer folded his newspaper and then tossed it to the side. His red eyes were grave.

"I can feel it," he started our conversation.

I tilted my head at him in question. "What? Bowel Incontinence? Don't worry, that's a sign of aging. You better have your prostate checked as well."

Lucifer sighed exasperatedly. "Samael, I need you to be a civil demon for once and treat this matter seriously."

I raised my middle finger to get his attention. "Okay first of all, civil and demon and serious do not go along well together and secondly; I'm still really bitter that you hid Lucian all this time so...haha, nope!"

The man slammed his hands on the table angrily and stared at me furiously. "The end is near Samael. I can feel it. His son will come down and the Earth will succumb in fire. We don't have much time."

Compared to Lucifer I was more relaxed. "So what?" I answered back. "So what if he's coming back? We can't do anythin' about that Lucifer. That's already prophesized in the bible. The second judgment day is inevitable. It's gonna come sooner or later."

The man sat back down on his chair and sighed. "I just don't know...I'm afraid for Keetan. Once he sees that everyone he loves is burning in the sea of fire, he might-"

"-Regret not being holy and not being able to save everyone from their awful fate? Cut it Satan. No one knows who's gonna burn and who's gonna ascend with Him. What you have to do is to expand the lake of fire because I know and you know that this won't be a small crowd," I told him.

The man rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. There was a solemn silence between us. I was honestly confused with Satan's own bewilderment. Why was he actin' this way? He wasn't the one who was gonna burn. He was the cook in this. He was the one assigned to do the torturin'.

So, why was he actin' like he was gonna suffer while doin' so?

"Have you ever thought...of being someone else? Of being in another world where you're not...who you are supposed to be? Where you can choose who you can be and not be dictated of what you should be? Because I feel like...all of this is framed from the start."

At this time I discovered that Satan was having an inner turmoil of his priorities and his desires. It was something that I felt from before whenever I realized how powerful I was and how big my responsibility was. It was something that someone will feel if they didn't choose the position they were in yet they had to make a choice and to do somethin' that they didn't want to do. It was a feeling of extreme exhaustion.

Satan was tired.

He didn't want to play a role in the 2nd judgment day.

And I figured that this was the very reason why God didn't want Lucifer and Keetan to meet again.

Lucifer wanted to live in a peaceful life with Keetan. He wanted to live far away from this kind of life. He just wanted to be free and to drop the title of the ruler of hell.

Because nothin' else mattered at this point than to be with someone you truly love.

"Of course it's framed..." I replied. "What sane creator would place a fruitful tree in the middle of the garden and prohibit someone from taking a bite? He was just askin' for it. That's the big twist in His plot. That was the twist that fucked up the world."

Satan smiled sadly. I supposed he didn't open this up with Keetan since the kid was a big worrywart and he was a daddy figure so he gotta be the tough guy in the relationship.

"I suppose you're right. I'll just have to continue living..."

I removed my feet from the desk and stood straight to stretch my muscles. "Sad to say, that's what we have to deal with everyday. But if you think about it, we've lived through so much and being immortal has its perks. You get to enjoy the things that keep coming but you have to go through the everyday shit that's thrown at you as well. It's a total shit storm with rainbows and unicorns at the side."

I turned my back at the man. "We big bosses have to enjoy the little things...Ciao," I stated and raised my hand to signify a wave of goodbye.

"Little things huh?" I heard Satan murmur.

I smirked. "I'm not referring to your dick though so stop playing with that thing like a catnip."

I heard him grunt. "I'm so happy I'm not paying for an employee like you anymore."

"Hah, you wish you could pay for me, I'm requesting a double if you wanna rehire me again," I retorted and opened the door. "So just buy Keetan some video games and spoil the kid."

"You don't have to tell me what to do with my darling."

"Just makin' sure you're not neglecting him," I stated.

Wait, why was I gonna even use the door? I warped myself out of Satan's room before the conversation prolonged even more. I was so tired talking to that senile asshole. I should have asked him a fee for receiving my words of wisdom.

When I arrived where I left Cain and Lucian, Keetan was already there in the party.

"My Purity!"

"Oh my Lord!"

"OH MY SHUT IT!" Cain snarled.

The current Grim Reaper was slamming his head against the wall. There was already a visible crack against the marble. Lucian was lying on the floor with his body curled like a fetus. I picked him up while cacklin' at Cain's demise. Lucian automatically hanged on to me like the spider monkey he was.

"What the heck took you so long? Lucian is a fuckin' rude and whining bitch!"

"Cain, watch your language in front of a guest!" Keetan scolded the older man.

"I'm not rude. You're just insignificant," Lucian replied.

"Now now, Lucian, what did I tell you about disrespectin' strangers? Where are the nice manners that I taught you?"

The blonde and apathetic ancient furrowed his eyebrows at me. "I'll only be nicer if they become smarter and cleaner."

I nodded at him and then nodded at Cain. "He's reasonable enough Cain."

The other man gave me a look of disbelief. "Have you taken your medications today Samael or do I have to order a prescription from the doctor to get an over dosage?"

Before I can reply back to Cain's upset response, the ground shook in a massive intensity and Cain had to get a hold of Keetan who got out of balance. The sound of the ground trembling, the furniture of the castle that started to drop plus the panic of the maids and butlers caused Lucian to look around in curiosity.

If anyone wandered why demonic creatures were panicking from a mere soil fart then I only had one answer:

Hell never ever got earthquakes unless either Satan or I were having a bitch fit.

Yep, Jesus was coming soon.

Better have SPF 100 in your Go bags.