Epilogue

Breathe and take the risk. Don't be afraid to run for your peace.

Walang direksyon ang buhay ko. Patapon. Walang kwenta. Palibhasa may mga bago nang pamilya ang mga magulang ko, naiwan na akong mag-isa. Ayos lang, hindi ko rin naman sila kailangan. Kaya kong patunayan na mabubuhay ako kahit wala sila. Pero nagkamali ako...

"Anak, lilipat na kami ni Pheliz doon kay Tito Phil mo. Tapos na iyong pinapatayo niyang bahay namin, e," my mother told me when we were eating our breakfast.

Hindi niya ba ako tatanungin kung ayos lang sa akin iyon? Na kaya ko ba kung maiiwan akong mag-isa at wala sila? Ngumisi ako kahit masama ang loob, parang gustong isumbat sa kaniya ang mga pagkukulang nila ni Papa sa akin. Gustong sisihin sila kung bakit naging ganito ako. I want them to know about how I feel. Na anak din nila ako. Kahit hiwalay na sila ni Papa, sana maisip pa rin nila ako.

Kaso hindi ko nagawa. Hinayaan kong umalis si Mama sa bahay. Hinayaan kong iwan niya ako. Hindi ko siya nakitang ganito kasaya mula noong iwan kami ni Papa at sumama sa babae niya. Hindi ko kayang ipagkait kay Mama ang kasiyahan niya.

Gustong-gusto talaga siguro ni Mama na umalis na. Sobrang saya niya siguro dahil nakalaya na siya sa impyernong sila rin naman ang gumawa. Samantalang ako, naiwang nakakulong. Mag-isa pero pilit kong iniisip na ayos lang. Masasanay din ako. Kakayanin ko pa rin kahit talikuran ako ng mundo. I thought I was strong enough to withstand the storm...

Hanggang sa nakilala ko siya... The Answer of Heaven... She made me realize that no matter how painful life is, every moment is still worth living. Siya ang nagpabago sa mga pananaw ko sa buhay. Na kahit ikaw pa ang pinakamalakas na nilalang sa buong mundo, kailangan mo pa rin ng iba. Na sasamahan ka sa pagsuong sa bagyo. Isang taong hindi ka iiwan kahit gaano pa kabaluktot ang mga prinsipyo mo.

She is the only one who sees through me. Siya lang ang nakakita ng paghihirap ko na pilit kong itinatago sa iba. She saw how broke I was and she vowed to help me pick up my pieces. She spent her remaining life with me. And I find it... heroic. Nahulog ako. She's the only one who stayed with me even though she's the one who's running out of time.

With those pink heart-shaped lips, she whispered to me those three words that I was craving for. Niyakap niya sa akin ang mga salitang hindi ko naramdaman sa mga magulang ko.

Her troubled black eyes illuminated the pain that was haunting me every day. Katulad ko, winasak din siya ng malupit na mundo pero lumaban siya. She refused to die without fighting for life. Death already knocked on her door but she just slammed it on Death's face. I love her guts... I love how badass she can be... I love how she fought her demons away... I love every single thing about her...

Noong una, akala ko natutuwa lang ako sa kaniya dahil nakahanap na ako ng tulad ko. Pero 'di nagtagal, napagtanto kong iba 'to. Parang may sakit ako sa puso kapag kasama ko siya. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang malalim ang pagkakahulog sa aming dalawa.

Every time her cheeks burn and her pointed nose flares because of annoyance, I am seeing Heaven's wrath. Natutulala na lang ako kapag ganoon.

I cherish every moment she embraces me and her brown wavy hair settles in my shoulders. I found home in her arms... I found my peace in her... Moon above the cruel waves...

Tinapik ni Doc Walter ang balikat ni Tita Cha at sinusubukang pakalmahin siya. "To be honest to all of you, this is risky for her. Her two carotid arteries are already affected. So, let us just all hope that she will survive." Natulala ako.

My eyes dropped to the flash drive she gave to me. Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng panahon at agad na napagpasyahang basahin ang nilalaman noon. Pumunta ako sa reception area at nakitang may computer doon.

Tumukhim muna ako bago nagsalita. "Miss, pahiram naman ng computer. Saglit lang. May babasahin lang ako," I uttered.

Nagulat ang nurse na naka-assign doon pero pinagbigyan niya rin naman ako. "O-o, sige..." Nilahad niya sa akin ang swivel chair sa harap niyon kaya umupo ako.

'I Lived'. Iyon lamang ang lamang file ng flash drive. It's her blog that she kept on telling me. Almost everything about her was included here: her sickness, her academic pressures, our escapades.

I met a cool stranger who can pass as a rugged prince. He's a man of God, a basketball varsity player and a certified gentleman. He's a rule-breaker. I remembered how he managed to call me in the middle of his class, while the professor was discussing. It's horrible but I loved how horrible he was. I fell in love with this cool stranger, knowing everything for me will end soon. It's crazy. He's crazy. We are crazy... The stranger made me feel strange emotions... and they are keeping me alive. I already accepted that it's already an end game for me but when I experienced how great it was to be with him, I suddenly don't want to lose my grip to life... but I know better... Eventually, my illness will get everything I have... including him. Back then, everything before him was bland and mediocre. He gave me the peace I was fighting for my whole life. And it's crazy... We are crazy. He treats me as the Answer of Heaven but for me he is my Answer of Heaven. He made me realized that no matter how little the chance there is for me to live, everything is worth fighting for. I am thankful that I met him. He's my moon above the cruel waves. So, I wrote this to fully entrust him with my heart... that if it stops beating, he will still own it like my heart itself is living.

For you, cool stranger, thank you for everything... Don't forget that I'm in love with you. Always. And at this moment, I'm already saying YES to you. I'm officially yours now... and will be yours forever... ALWAYS.

I smiled when I've read the last part. She did type this before her operation, didn't she? Gusto ko tuloy ngayon ay sumugod sa operating room at yakapin siya. Hindi ako makapaniwalang ang mga salita niya ay may kakayahang baliwin ako ng ganito. Paano pa kaya kung sa mga labi niya mismo ko madinig ang mga ito?

She's... crazy. No. Everything is crazy. I don't want to lose her but if she already accepted everything, I will be with her. Always.

Nakapikit lamang ako habang nakaupo sa waiting area. Hindi ako mapakali lalo ngayon na mayroon na akong pinanghahawakan. We are now official. It's still a blur and I can't believe she's already mine. Finally...

Tita Cha, Red's Mom, is with me. She's crying and wants to be alone. We talked a while ago about Red. She asked me if we are now together and I said 'yes'.  It is overwhelming that I have now the right to claim her as mine.

Nandito rin ang kaibigan niya na si Hera. Bad trip lang at nagpakita pa rito ang gagong ex niya at 'yong nagkakagusto pa yata sa kaniya. Kung wala lamang kami ngayon sa hindi magandang sitwasyon ay nabigyan ko na ito ng isa dahil sa pag-aaya niya ng date kay Red.

"Chalondra..."

Lumabas si Doc Walter at lumapit sa amin. Agad na dumalo sa kaniya si Tita Cha, nag-aalala sa lagay ni Red. Tahimik lamang akong naghihintay ng sasabihin niya kahit kabado talaga. Walang nagtangkang magsalita sa amin.

"Red is now in the recovery room. The operation is done. Puwede niyo siyang bisitahin na," imporma niya, walang makitang emosyon sa mukha.

Halos mapatalon ako nang madinig iyon. She came back! Akala ko ay mawawala na siya sa akin pero hindi niya ako binigo, she fought to be alive... to be with us. I trembled as I walked towards her room.

She is at peace while lying in her bed even though she just survived a deadly operation. Lumapit ako at umupo sa kaniyang tabi. I held her hand. Please, wake up already, miss. I am worried.

Yumuko ako at hinigpitan ang hawak sa kamay niya. Nag-angat lamang ako ng tingin nang naramdamang gumalaw siya. Napatayo kaming lahat at natigil sa pag-iyak sina Tita Cha at Hera.

"Anak..."

"R-red..."

I smiled when she roamed her eyes around. Nagtaka ako nang mapansing bumilis ang paghinga niya at lumukot din ang mukha.

I crouched a bit. "H-hey, what's wrong?" kinakabahan kong tanong.

Umawang ang bibig niya at nagsimulang umiyak. Tita Cha panicked so, she decided to call Doc Walter. I caressed Red's face and tried to maintain my smile and assure her that everything is okay.

Dumating si Doc Walter at ang ilang mga nurse. Agad nilang ch-in-eck si Red. Hindi niya ako binitawan. Umiiyak pa rin siya kaya lalo akong nag-alala. Every time she cries, I feel like the Heaven is also crying.

"How are you feeling, Red?" Doc Walter asked her.

She held my hands on her face and sobbed harder. "W-wala... akong m-makita..." she whispered that made me stiffen. Her words robbed the oxygen out of my lungs.

Suminghap si Doc Walter samantalang lalong humagulgol sina Tita Cha at Hera. Natigilan ako. "T-the operation affected her nerves in the eyes... It's one of the complications of this risky procedure. Permanent loss of vision." Malungkot ang ngiti ni Doc.

I was stunned. I can't believe that when I have already found peace, life started to brew a storm. Staring at her troubled eyes, it all dawned on me.

She lived but... blind.