I woke up to something touching my face, I slightly opened my eyes expecting to see my sister but instead it was Evan I kept them open slightly seeing that he must think I'm still asleep, he was staring at me with a smile on his face as he played with my hair.

Mom used to do that.

I groaned and saw him quickly pull his hand back and try to act normal I opened my eyes and sat up feeling tears form and soon a hand on my shoulder " Are you ok" he said and I didn't want to face him.

" Im getting a shower" I said and went to walk out until my hand was grabbed making me look " Please don't do anything" Evan said giving me a worried look but I just shook out of his grip and walked to the bathroom shutting the door and sliding down it.

" John please don't do this" I heard him cry from behind the door " Don't tell me what to do you didn't have to follow me or stay" I snapped at him and I heard a sniff.

" But I wanted to and I don't want to see you hurt" he said and I set my head back against the door " Then don't worry about it or look" I said locking the door and turning the water on.

Stepping in I felt the warm water sting my skin at first and I just leaned against the wall.

What's wrong with me, it should have been me.

I washed myself off then sat on the shower floor curling my knees up to my chest as the water drowned out the sounds of me crying.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it should have been me.

I opened the curtains and grabbing the small plastic bag from behind the toilet and pulling out something cold.

I sat back down testing the sharpness with my fingers and once I was satisfied it was good enough I held my arm out and let the bite sink into my skin as the blood started to drip.

Why wasn't I the one who died.

I made another mark soon followed by a few more until I felt the calm and everything was silenced as I watched the red drip and slowly make its way to the drain.

" John if you don't come out or answer me I will break this door down" I heard Evan he sounded a mix of angry, sad, hurt, and panicked.

" Im almost done" I said shaky but loud enough he heard me " You have a few minutes" he said and it sounded like he slid down the door.

I got up and covered my wrist with bandages as I cleaned my mess up and looking in the mirror.

I hate this all I can do is remember you when I look at myself, I'm sorry I'm such a failure.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by the door being flung open but I didn't move, the towel wrapped around my waist hands on the sink holding me up and tears flowing from my eyes as I hung my head down.

Not a word was spoken I just felt arms wrap around me from behind and I gripped the sink tighter " Stop" I said and I felt him loosen a little " Am I hurting you" he said and the tears began to stream worse.

" No but you don't know me and why should you even care" I said trying to stop the tears but he held me tighter " You can say whatever you want but I'm going to care" he said into my back.

Don't the less people that care the easier my life will be.

" Im half naked in my bathroom and your hugging me" I said quietly " To be honest you could be fully naked and I'd still hug you" he said and I just felt worse " Your not even bi or gay so you should care" I said and I felt him rub his thumb on my stomach " But I do care".

He avoid the first part entirely.

I slowly pushed him off me and walked to my room with him right behind me " You can leave" I said and he shook his head sitting on my bed looking away from me " Really" I said and he nodded his head, I groaned as I grabbed some clothes and got dressed.

He is only going to hurt me.