Chapter 10: Last Words

September 1st, 2017

Last words.

It had been a month since I last saw Keith or anyone in general. I tucked myself away in my old home, barely leaving my room. I sunk into the deepest depths of depression just as before. I was so weak and I couldn't hold myself together easily.

I came down the stairs, going to the kitchen. I hadn't shaved in days, my hair was severely unkempt, and my breath constantly smelled like booze. My mother always gave me a worried gaze in the morning, something I learned to ignore. But today, she wasn't even home. I checked the dining room and stared at the person sitting at the table.

"What are you doing here?"

"Lance, you've been missing for a month." Shiro said, crossing his arms, "What happened?"

I shrugged, smiling sluggishly, "I lost faith in myself and all of humanity I guess..."

"Have you considered taking anti-depressants?"

"Hell no..." I grunted as I went to the kitchen, pouring myself a cup of orange juice.

He glanced at my hands, "Your nails are a mess..."

"Can't stop biting them..." I didn't paint them anymore, I was too lazy. I set my glass down and popped a cigarette in my mouth, searching my sweatpants pockets for a lighter. I looked up at Shiro holding up his own lighter. I didn't hesitate to borrow it.

"Are you just done being a detective?"

"Nah, just taking a much-needed break..." I inhaled the tobacco, feeling the slow curdling of my darkened lungs. Every breath was pain.

"Well, we need you back..." He looked at me seriously, "We're so close, Lance... If we get Lotor and Haggar, then it'll all be over..."

I stared at him before tossing my small cigarette into the ashtray, "Fine. I'll help. But..." I lowered my eyes, "Take my resignation after it's over..."

His eyes became wide, "What?! No way! I can't have that! You're the best detective we have, Lance!"

"I've lost all my motivation to live..." I mumbled.

He looked bewildered, "Lance, are you considering..."

I smiled sadly at him, nodding. Suddenly, he was gripping me in a tight hug, crying. I was startled; It had been a long time since my last hug...

"Please don't kill yourself, Lance... You have no idea how much you mean to me... To everyone... You touch the hearts of everyone you meet and you brighten everyone's days... I-If you're lost on motivation, I'll help you get it back... I'll help you however I can!" He pulled back, looking at me with tearful eyes, "I love you..."

The words came at me with critical force; It felt like I just got stabbed with a hot knife filled with flashbacks. Keith said he loved me. Hunk admitted to having stronger feelings for me... Now here Shiro was, saying the words I dreaded most of all.

I pushed him away, "Shiro, you don't know what you're saying. I'm so fucked up and broken... Shit, look at me!" I forced out a laugh, "I look like a disaster and I wanna die. What's so great about that, huh? What the fuck are you guys seeing in me? I'm in a fucking love square of doom. You guys have a terrible sense of taste, you know that?"

"What are you talking about?"

I held my head in my hands as I laughed even harder, "Keith... Hunk... You... You're all attracted to me and I hate it so much! I hate myself so much! I don't want you guys to love me. I'm not good. I'm just..."

His hands moved to my cheeks and he gave me a sincere look of sympathy before pressing his lips to mine. Tears streamed down my face and I trembled. I wanted to love being kissed again, but I hated it so much now... I didn't deserve these three men that had such strong feelings for me... All of them were so beautiful in their own little way and I loved them so much... But I couldn't bring myself to be with them...

I pulled away, "Okay, you kissed me, satisfied?"

He frowned, "I've... Wanted to do that since the day I met you..."

"Heh, me too... But you waited way too long, Shiro... I got ruined... You were too late..."

"I... I know... I'm sorry..."

"It's okay... I'm addicted to the pain now... I love it when my heart aches..." I smiled genuinely and I could tell that it disturbed him, "Well, let's get on the case..."

I cleaned myself up within an hour before heading to the station with Shiro. I snuck sips of my silver flask as we drove, not wanting to be even remotely sober today. A part of me was scared because I knew exactly what was coming... But my adrenaline kicked in with the taste of bitter vodka.

"Look, it's Lance. He's still alive." Pidge snorted and Shiro gave her a stern look. He knew I was rather sensitive in my depression.

"Yeah, it's weird. I never thought I'd see the light of day again..." I looked around the room, noticing Hunk. I frowned, furrowing my eyebrows when he adverted his gaze from me and left. I followed him. Time to mend some ties.

"Hunk, hey." I grabbed him by the shoulder, "Don't go... Please... I need to... Fix us..."

He gave me a soft smile, "Lance, there really isn't any fixing to be done now... We move on..."

"I suck at moving on. If you haven't realized that, you're stupid..." I huffed, giving him a hug, "Damn... I'm gonna miss you..."

"What are you talking about?" He chuckled. His laugh warmed my heart and I felt light as a feather for a whole two seconds.

I kissed his cheek, "Don't worry about it... Let's just get this case over with..." I forced a casual smile. He didn't notice, nobody did.

We went through our plan. Another lead, another raid. I got a gun and a bullet proof vest. A cool shadow was looming over me now and I enjoyed his presence.

Keith walked in moments later wearing handcuffs. So, he turned himself in. He would be going straight to prison right after the raid. I wished I could do something more for him, but I was already doing him a huge favor by not turning him in for my dad's murder. It went against my better judgement, but I still cared for him. Yuck. Why did I care for anyone nowadays? My heart was too big for my own good...

He explained the layout of the building we would be invading tonight. I was more prepared when he told us where the roof access was. For some reason, I felt my calling was there. Maybe I could jump off and my daddy would throw me onto his angel wings and drag me straight to hell where I belonged.

"Haggar is not a force to be reckoned with." Keith said as Shiro undid his handcuffs.

"We should partner up so nobody encounters a Russian roulette with someone dangerous..." Hunk recommended.

"I'll take Lance." The three men spoke at the same time. Pidge and I stared. I was no longer phased by this.

"I'm one special snowflake I guess." I sighed casually, "I guess I'll pick... Einey, meanie, miney, moe..." My finger was on Keith. I took a deep breath, tensing up, "Guess I'm with you..."

"Okay..." He looked down, some shame visible on his face. Good. I wanted him to feel that way...

"Let's get moving..." Shiro nodded to everyone and we were up and away in minutes. I took a long swig from my flask, stumbling slightly. Keith helped me up.

"You okay?" He asked quietly.

"Never been better." I said, sneering stubbornly as I drank the rest of my alcohol, "You?"

"I... Feel terrible..." He answered honestly.

"Lemme guess, you feel bad for all the shit you caused and wanted to partner up with me so you could say you're sorry?" I scoffed, "That's not how this works, Keith. You can't apologize for killing my dad and taking away all my innocence..."

"I didn't want to apologize... I just wanted to keep you safe."

"Boy, oh boy, my hero..." I choked, "I wish you would've saved me when I actually needed you... Heh, you freaking promised to help me 'Save me from myself'? Bull shit. Pure bull shit."

"It wasn't bull shit to me if that's what you think." He growled, starting to get frustrated as we exited the building.

"I can't believe you anymore. You kept too many secrets from me."

"I was trying to keep you safe, Lance!"

"From what?! From you? From how bad you were? Come on Keith, the person I knew before, the one I know now, he's just wearing a mask because he's too much of a fucking coward to admit he's just as broken as the person standing next to him!"

We stared at each other for a long time. His loving eyes were causing me to crumble, bit by bit.

"I... I don't wanna be alone, you know?" I sniffled, "All I wanted was to love and be loved... And then you ruined everything and I... I wanna be mad at you! Fuck, I wanna hate you more than myself, but... I just can't... You're the only one that knows how to shatter me by just looking at me... You've seen me broken so many times before... I'm surprised you're still hanging around trying to scramble up the mess..."

"Well, you said it yourself..." He closed his eyes, body language weak and vulnerable, "I'm just as broken as you... Maybe I need to save me from myself too..."

"We all do..." I mumbled as I got in the car.

A few minutes felt like dreaded years. I was sitting next to Keith in the back. Shiro was driving, Hunk was in the passenger seat. The sirens were ringing and we were traveling at the speed of light, but I felt like we were being far too slow. I needed to be at the raid now. I wanted to be on the roof ledge, ready to dive into a sea of flat concrete.

I was so fixated on dying tonight. I didn't understand why. I had no good reason to commit suicide. I had a caring family and an amazing career; Why did I want to die? That jolt of reality caused me to freeze and grasp Keith's hand, holding it tightly. He squeezed it like he knew exactly what I was thinking. Was he going to stop me or would he let me jump? If he really loved me, he'd let my story end. I didn't need more of this bull shit living, no matter how much I doubted my choice.

The vehicle came to a halt and suddenly I was having an out of body experience. I was watching myself get out, load my gun, cross my arms, and lower my head in short prayer. What was I praying about? I had no clue. My instincts told me I was asking my dad to catch me when the final fall came. I gulped, coming back into existence when Shiro asked me a question.

"Lance? You okay?" He gripped my shoulder.

I nodded, "Yep. Yeah. I'm gonna be fine." I took a deep breath as I ran in through one side of the building.

As I tip toed, I didn't have to look back to know Keith was directly behind me. I could hear his voice in my consciousness screaming, "Don't do it. Don't do it." Repeatedly like a broken record. I gritted my teeth as I went through a jagged hallway, speeding up. I wanted to escape him once and for all. No matter how hard I tried, he would always be in the back of my head.

"Lance, stop!" He finally tripped over something and I didn't hesitate to run away just like he did years ago. I didn't want to go back, I wanted to kill two mobsters and then myself.

I stopped in one room when I saw a figure curled up in a corner. I held my gun upright, ready to shoot.

"Pull the trigger..." They whispered, "I'm done for anyway... I don't want to live anymore..." She revealed her face and I instantly recognized her from the suspect photographs.

"Haggar..." I kept my gun up.

"It's actually..." She paused and chuckled, "You know what, it doesn't matter, actually... My time's up... After my husband died, I had nothing left to live for..."

"...Why'd you do it?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Everything I did, I did for him... Zarkon... I loved him so much and did my best to please him even after he stopped paying attention to me... Started playing games with those hookers..." Her eyes were filled with tears, "Ever wonder what it's like to love someone with all your being just for them to betray you?"

"I... Know exactly how that feels..." I flinched at the sudden gunshot. Her blood painted the wall behind her, eyes wide open like Zarkon's when he died. I felt like puking. Now I had two awful memories...

"She always talked too much..." A familiar chill ran up my spine. Lotor shot her...

"Why the hell-..." My breathing hitched as the edge of a cold blade danced against my throat.

"Out with the old, in with the new. Didn't need deadweight in this new Galra gang..." His hand moved along my trembling skin; I felt numb.

"Harder..." I murmured, "Slit my throat..." I could go out just like dad.

"I'm not going to kill you..." I could feel his grin on my cheek, "I'm going to keep you, regardless of how miserable you are... I'll make you suffer even more for trying to screw me over, detective Lance Mcclain."

I closed my eyes, tears coming out, "I don't care anymore... I'm dead on the inside anyway..."

"How depressing... You really are miserable..." He nipped at my earlobe and I turned into a rag doll; Lifeless and limp.

"I just... Want to die..." Out of pure luck, I managed to wrap my arm around him, shooting him in the side. He gasped and quickly planted his knife directly into my chest before falling to the floor.

My eyes were wide in a mixture of surprise and... Joy. I chortled, clutching the weapon in my chest as I slowly went down to my knees. Keith burst into the room, screeching was followed by Shiro and Hunk. The three of them came to me as I laid down in a puddle of blood that was not mine.

I couldn't decipher their words. My mind was going blank. Is this what it was like to die? It was oddly painful yet disgustingly satisfying. Bittersweet perhaps? Maybe... I smiled at them. Hunk was sobbing, holding the wound with all his might. Shiro was shaking profusely, screaming at his phone after he dialed 911. I let my head droop to one side, catching Keith's gaze.

His eyes were clouded with fear and glazed over with tears. Pale face was paler, frowning was deeper. He looked as dead as I felt. He knew my fate and it tortured him slowly. At that moment, I knew he would never move on. He would never look at another man like he looked at me. As he held my hand for the very last time, he gave me my heart back and I robbed his.

"I'll take it to my grave..." I grinned charmingly.

"Do it. If you go, I go too..."

"Nah..." I laughed, coughing up blood, "You couldn't save me, so save you from yourself... Do what I didn't get to do..."

"Lance..."

"Keith..."

End...