-Theo-

The rest of the week was pretty much the same for me. I didn't eat, and I barely slept. The only times I managed to get some rest was when I passed out from the pain and exhaustion. My dad tried to start a conversation with me every time our paths crossed, but I didn't feel comfortable around him, even though he had been sober since I got back from the hospital. Whenever he asked a question, I answered shortly, but I always left before he could continue talking.

I saw Deon at school a couple of times, and I tried to approach him once, but apparently he was ignoring me even harder than I was ignoring my father. He treated me like air every time we were in the same room, so I didn't try again. After all, I wanted him to stay away from me.

Sean and his buddies noticed soon that Deon and I weren't friends anymore. I had to use all my tricks to avoid them, so I spent every break between classes in my hiding places. I even skipped a few periods so I wouldn't run into them. I knew I was going to get expelled soon if I kept doing that, but I didn't care anymore.

And Beau... He had apologized for trying to push me to have sex with him. He was still acting like he didn't even see me when someone was around, but when we were left alone, we always ended up making out. Every time his hands wandered into places where I didn't feel comfortable, and every time I asked him to stop before he could go too far.

I could tell he was getting more and more impatient. He kept telling me he didn't want to do anything against my will, and that he was just trying to make me get used to his touch; to make me ready for him. He always had a smile on his face when he talked about it.

Whenever he was like that, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I could barely even keep my eyes open when his hands raided my body. I didn't like the way he looked at me, so it was better not to look at him at all when he was like that. He kept speaking with kind and reassuring words, but I saw in his eyes that he wanted more, and he wanted it soon.

Friday evening came around, and I found myself lying on Beau's bed. Beau was hovering over me, pinning my hands above my head while his free hand dove under my T-shirt. I kept my eyes shut and tried my hardest to relax under him. I knew he expected me to be ready for him, and I wanted to please him. I'd decided it was time for him to get what he wanted. I was afraid that if I didn't let him do it, he would leave me soon, and I couldn't take that. I didn't want to be left completely alone ever again.

"You're not stopping me," Beau chuckled and let his hand slide inside my pants to squeeze my butt. "Does that mean you're finally ready?"

I looked at him and nodded. Beau gave me a wide smile, and his eyes flickered with something I didn't like. I closed my eyes again and bit my teeth together, hoping he would hurry up and get it over with.

They called him a player. I'd seen him date countless girls, and I knew he wasn't into relationships. When he got what he wanted, he tossed the girls aside if they weren't worth having around. I hoped I was worth something to him.

Beau kissed me hungrily while unbuttoning my jeans. The sound of my zipper opening gave me goosebumps, and not the good kinds. His lips moved slowly on my neck, and he bit my skin harshly, making me gasp in surprise. He laughed happily and pushed himself up on his knees, releasing my hands.

"It's so hot you have my name on your skin. You belong to me," he said slickly.

I shuddered when he leaned in to kiss my wounds, licking them here and there, making the letters sting with his saliva. His other hand was tugging down my pants while he played with my wounds with his tongue. Soon he grew too impatient, and he got back up on his knees, turning me around on my stomach with such ease it made me realize how weak I was against him. Then he hauled me up on all fours in front of him, and I heard him fiddling with his belt.

"I'll make you feel really good," he breathed and chuckled again. "I promise you'll love it. I can't wait to hear you scream my name..."

I hid my face behind my hand, trying to hold back my tears. I felt so unbelievably disgusted at myself. When I felt Beau's other hand on my skin, I wanted to shake it off. And then I felt him slapping my butt with his thing.

"I bet you're really tight..." Beau huffed. "This tiny little ass of yours... I'll make you mine, and I'll make you beg for more."

He wasn't the Beau I knew. He wasn't the boy I fell in love with. He was a total stranger to me at that moment. His voice was dark and heavy, not sweet and caring like I remembered. His smile wasn't tender anymore; it had turned into a victorious sneer. Even his gentle touch was gone, and his fingers felt rough and cold on my back.

"Beau, wait," I muttered and turned to face him. I knew I would only hate myself more if I let him take me.

"What? I'd rather do you from behind," Beau said with a frown.

"I just..." I muttered and got up on my feet, pulling my pants back up.

Beau's eyes grew darker when he realized I was backing off again.

"Don't be like that." He said it with a smile, but I could see anger in his eyes.

He stood up next to me. His jeans were still unzipped and revealing everything. I didn't want to look at his manhood, let alone have it in me. I kept my gaze on his face, trying my best to avoid looking down even once.

"It'll be fun," Beau kept insisting. "I know you want it too."

"I'm still not ready," I whispered, but I suddenly wasn't sure if I would ever be ready for him. "I have to go... I'm sorry..."

I stepped towards the door, but Beau followed me and grabbed my hand.

"Baby, please don't go, don't do this to me again," he said with a pleading voice. "I want you so badly."

"I'm not ready," I repeated with a stronger voice and freed myself from his grip.

I turned my back on him and opened the door, but Beau was persistent. He slammed the door shut in front of me and forced me to face him. He grabbed my arm, and I suddenly felt defenseless and scared.

"Are you fucking serious?" Beau said angrily. "Are you ditching me again?"

I lost my voice when I saw him looking at me with such an angry gleam in his eyes. It reminded me of the last time I had seen my brother. Beau was almost as mad as Allen had been. When did Beau change into that person?

"Why are you like this?" I asked with a tiny voice. "Why are you so different? Is it because of what Allen said to you?"

Beau tightened his grip on me. His fingers dug harshly into my left arm, right into my wounds.

"You're hurting me," I sniffed and tried to free myself again. "You said you don't want to see me getting hurt."

Beau stared at me for a moment before he let go of me. He didn't say a word at first, but his expression changed when he lifted his hand to my hair, brushing through it gently. He looked like he was dreaming about something fantastic.

"You really should dye your hair blond," he said suddenly. "I think you'd look great with blond hair."

"Blond?" I repeated. His sudden suggestion made me confused.

"Yeah, just like your brother has it," Beau said. "You look just like him..."

I took a step away from him. Beau smiled at me and followed me, forcing me to move away from the door. And suddenly I realized something.

"You're still in love with Allen," I muttered in shock.

Beau gave me a smile after hearing my brother's name. "I still don't get why he turned me down like that. I mean, I'm extremely good looking and really popular too," he said, placing himself between me and the door. "It really is too bad he's a homophobe. I tried to convince him to be with me, but he really hates gays."

"But I'm not Allen," I whispered. "I may look like him, but I'm not him."

"You are close enough," Beau said and smiled. "I came to tell you I was sorry so I could get close to Allen again, but when I saw you behind that maintenance building, you looked just like... I just had to kiss you."

"I'm a substitute?" I said with a weak voice when it all finally hit me. "You pretended to love me because I look like my brother?"

"I love the way you look – if only you had blond hair," Beau nodded without any remorse. "I could never be with you if you didn't look like that. You're so gullible and you cry way too much," he laughed. "You are so annoying, and every time you open your mouth, I just want to shove my dick inside it to shut you up. Your personality is just – ugh!"

I started to cry silently while listening to his horrible words. I really had believed he wanted to be with me because he liked me. My heart was aching from his cruelty, and I knew at that moment that it was all over – I couldn't take my life anymore.

"I didn't think that you'd actually buy my apology, but you did! All this time I've been amazed at how stupid you are and how easily you can be fooled," Beau said and leaned against his door.

"Stop..." I muttered, more tears falling down on my cheeks.

"I guess you are just so eager to jump into anyone's bed if they let you. You really don't think, do you? Like Deon, you just follow him around like a good little dog, hoping to get a treat. You know everyone is laughing at you, right?" Beau continued.

"I'm leaving," I said and walked past him, grabbing the door handle.

Beau laughed and moved away from the door, just to grab my hand again.

"Don't be like that. Let's have some fun before you go!" he said and grabbed my ass.

"Let go of me!" I hissed at him.

I couldn't see him properly when my sight turned blurry from the tears. I tried to release my hand from his grip. I wanted to believe he was just saying mean things because I'd hurt his pride. When I looked at him deep in his eyes, I could tell he wasn't playing around anymore. He was fed up with me, and I had no idea if he really was telling me the truth or not.

"I can make you feel good," Beau said with an alluring tone in his voice.

"Let me go already!" I pulled my hand harder, and finally he let me go.

"If you don't stay, you'll regret it," he said, and his smile was fading away. "There is no one else you can go to, not now when your precious Deon isn't talking to you anymore. You should stay here with me. No one else wants you anyway, so we both can get something out of it."

"I'd rather die!" I spat at him, opening the door to step out of his room.

Beau didn't try to follow me, but I could hear him shouting after me. "You will come back to me! I know you will, and when you do, I will make you beg for me to f–" I slammed the front door shut behind me, cutting off the rest of his words.

My whole body was shaking in agony. Beau had played me. I was just a substitute to him. Of my own brother. Allen had once again ruined the little good I had in my life.

I started walking home, crying my eyes out like I always did. I couldn't understand why these things kept happening to me. Was I really such a horrible person? Did I really deserve everything?

"Why can't I just be happy, for once?" I whispered with a trembling voice.

But then again, I wasn't supposed to be happy. Ever. I still hadn't learned that, even though I thought I had.

*****

(TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM)

I didn't go straight home after leaving Beau's house. I didn't even pay any attention to where I was going. I just walked around without a destination. I was all alone again. I had no one to talk to, and no one to go to. I'd been alone for four months, and I had barely managed on my own. Just when I had learned to live without anyone, Deon had walked into my life, and even if he had never liked me or cared about me, I never had to be completely alone.

And Beau...

For a short moment, I had liked being alive. I had laughed and smiled. I'd almost felt happy again. But it had been just a big lie. Make believe. Fantasy. Maybe I had only imagined it all; maybe none of it had been real.

Then, just like that, it was all gone, and I felt lonelier than ever. After one tiny moment of being content with my life, losing it all was so painful I thought my heart was falling into pieces inside my chest. This time the loneliness felt so brutal I was certain I couldn't carry on anymore. I didn't want to keep on living. The little willpower I once had left was now gone, just like everything else.

And suddenly, I was standing in front of my mirror in my bathroom. I had no idea when or how I got there. It almost scared me to see my own reflection. I couldn't remember anything – I had no idea where I'd been after leaving Beau's place. My whole body was screaming in pain, but my heart was crying even louder.

I saw myself moving in the mirror, but I was sure it wasn't me that was moving my hand. I could see something sharp in it, and I fixated my eyes on that tiny glimmer.

And I knew. I was done. I was so unbelievably done.

It was time to end it.

Kneeling down on the cold floor, I pulled up the sleeve of my hoodie, revealing the name of the person who had hurt me the most in my life. The person I'd been in love with, who I trusted, who I forgave the cruel words and the bullying, who I let close to me again, and who made me believe I could be happy again.

I had loved him twice, only to let him break me so completely I couldn't even cry anymore.

But the sharp edge of my razor blade made me feel alive for one last time. When I woke up from my trance, the white tiles of the bathroom floor were turning red. There was one single cut on my arm, crossing each letter of Beau's name in its path.

I dropped the blade, and the sound of it hitting the tiles echoed in the small room. I stared at the deep wound, knowing I had gone too far. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. I wasn't crying anymore, instead a small smile emerged on my lips.

I was going to see my mom.

And yet... What if... Those two little words crossed my mind like they always did whenever I felt like ending everything, preventing me from doing it. Only now it was too late. I looked at my arm, my sight already turning blurry. I guess I never got to find out if there was something to look forward to. I suppose there wasn't anything to look forward to, since my fate had brought me there, in that moment.

I closed my eyes again. I left my life in the hands of fate. If I survived, maybe there was something to look forward to after all. If I didn't, well, end of the story. I laughed lightly at my thoughts. There was no way I could survive. I had killed myself, and no one would miss me. I started drifting into nothingness, and I could almost feel my body starting to shut down. My time had come.

Thank goodness it was over.

-Deon-

I wasn't a stalker. I just happened to stop by Theo's house and have a smoke.

"Two fucking hours ago..." I muttered out loud, and lit another one.

I probably had smoked half a pack by the time I saw Theo walking in the distance. I really wasn't stalking him – I was just worried about him. I'd kept an eye on him after he got out of the hospital, and he didn't look too well. I had done my best to keep Sean and the others away from him, but it wasn't enough. He looked lonely and miserable every time I saw him, but it was best for him if I stayed away.

Theo walked past my car, but he kept his eyes on the ground so he didn't notice me lurking behind the corner of the street. My heart suddenly felt heavy when I saw the miserable look on his face. He had cried again. I could see his red eyes even in the darkness, and I wondered if everything was all right.

I was sure he didn't need me. He probably didn't even want to see me, so I stayed in my car. At least he didn't seem physically hurt, so maybe I didn't need to worry about him so much. I had no idea why I even was worried. I'd left my home hours ago, planning to take my usual tour at the bars, but instead I ended up driving straight to Theo's. I hadn't even noticed doing so until I parked my car near his home.

But Theo was all right, so it was my time to get going. I saw the lights turning on in his bedroom and a second later I saw him passing by the window. He was safe at home, so there was no need for me to stay.

If only I could have gotten rid of the nagging feeling that everything wasn't all right.

I stepped out of my car and jogged to his house. I stopped at the front door and took a deep breath. I was being stupid. I had decided to stay away from him so I wouldn't hurt him. God knew he'd been hurt enough already.

I placed my hand on his door, battling against myself, not knowing if I should press the doorbell or not. That argument ended soon, since the door creaked open just by my touch.

"Seriously...?" I muttered in anger.

Theo had forgotten to shut the damn door! Anyone could just walk in!

I pushed the door open and stepped in. I was going to have a few words with Theo about his own safety. I closed the door and marched upstairs, heading to his bedroom, growing angrier by each step I took. I didn't even bother to knock on his door – I just walked in.

"For fuck's sake, Theo, you left your door–" I saw him sitting on the floor in his bathroom, leaning against the wall, "–open."

I rushed to him and grabbed a towel from the shelf as I hurried to help him, wrapping it tightly around his bleeding arm.

"Theo?"

He was pale and unconscious, and he was hardly breathing. There was so much blood everywhere... My heartbeat was getting dangerously high when the adrenaline rushed through my body. I knew I didn't have a second to waste to save his life.

"Hang in there," I muttered, grabbing my phone from my pocket before picking Theo up from the cold floor.

Ten minutes later, when I hit the brakes in front of the hospital, my mom rushed towards the car with a bunch of people following right behind her. Theo was really weak – I was sure there was no hope anymore.

I watched my mom and her group rushing lifeless Theo inside the hospital, but I was unable to follow them. I leaned against my car, my body shaking all over. I almost threw up when I remembered what I'd seen in Theo's bathroom.

Theo had cut himself. He had intended to end his own life. Again, I felt like throwing up when I remembered the blood. I could still clearly see the long, deep wound on his arm. The wound crossed the name he had cut into his skin. The one he had recently carved again.

"Beau..." I growled in anger.

The deep wound had crossed his name, so it had to mean Beau had done something to him. I had never felt so angry before in my entire life as I sat back behind the wheel.

I knew where that bastard lived.